Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think of you're going to answer questions with "yeah.." or "no...." At a social event, then fuck offfff

1000 replies

fanaticalfairy · 31/12/2024 16:06

Why bother coming out to meet people if you can't even engage in basic conversations with people who are all there to get to know each other?
We were out for a birthday brunch this morning with about 20 people, some we knew, some we didn't as it was for a mutual friend (Graham)
Me .. spying someone unfamiliar at our table..."hi, I'm Fairy, what's your name?
Him: "John "
Me: "great. How you know Graham "
John: " through a friend, Steve"
Me: "oh, yes I know Steve, he's lovely, how do you know Steve?
John" work'
Me: "So, what do you do with Steve?"
John: "Software engineer"
Me: "great what kind of thing? Im a software engineer too..."
John: "Nothing interesting....'
Me: "Oh... Ok. So ... Got any holidays booked?"
John: "No."Tumble weed

"Ok, lovely to meet you ... I'll go and see Graham is okay "

Ugh

OP posts:
Sacredhandbag · 31/12/2024 23:39

fanaticalfairy · 31/12/2024 23:37

Well, I didn't stare intensely and declare "I'm fairy!"

I said "hi, I'm fairy, what's your name?"

I don't think it's awful to ask some one their name.

But apparently it is... 😬😬😬

Show quote history

It's definitely not

StepAwayFromMyCoffee · 31/12/2024 23:45

No social skills I guess. I no longer bother engaging with one of DH’s friends because literally every time I ask him a question, the friend answers back to DH as if i haven't said anything. Fortunately, we hardly ever see him
but, when we have to, i just stay out of the way.

Hyperquiet · 31/12/2024 23:45

He might be autistic. We need to stop being so judgmental. Move on. Speak to somebody else.

5foot5 · 01/01/2025 00:47

fanaticalfairy · 31/12/2024 23:37

Well, I didn't stare intensely and declare "I'm fairy!"

I said "hi, I'm fairy, what's your name?"

I don't think it's awful to ask some one their name.

But apparently it is... 😬😬😬

Show quote history

You have had some really weird responses on here. There was absolutely nothing wrong with your attempts to engage John in conversation. Perfectly standard, polite conversational openings that anyone with any social skills at all would have picked up on and responded to.

I suspect John is probably socially awkward rather than plain, bloody rude so you did the right thing on giving up after a few attempts.

Ignore the odd criticisms on here. Either mumsnet is full of people horrified at the idea of making polite conversation with someone they don't know intimately, or lots of people just ready to have a go at someone.

BlueSky2023 · 01/01/2025 00:51

StepAwayFromMyCoffee · 31/12/2024 23:45

No social skills I guess. I no longer bother engaging with one of DH’s friends because literally every time I ask him a question, the friend answers back to DH as if i haven't said anything. Fortunately, we hardly ever see him
but, when we have to, i just stay out of the way.

Oh my god, he sounds like a horrendous ass, how could your husband be friends with someone like that,
Your husband needs to respond with ‘ You can respond to my wife’ !……well that’s what I would do if I were in his shoes

Wintershealing · 01/01/2025 01:00

Sorry late to the thread but if my son was asked these questions he would stare straight ahead and answer in one word answers. He's autistic but not "obviously so", so you'd probably find him rude but his brain would be very overwhelmed. On the other hand, ask him a very scientific question and he'd most likely engage and enjoy giving the answer!

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 01/01/2025 01:18

So we have to constantly deliver to other people's needs like a specifically scientific question or something other than normal chitchat?

I really couldn't be arsed for all that delivery with probably very little or very tedious long winded self indulgent comeback. Sorry.

I'm really tired of having to always pandering to those who simply cannot bring anything back without total maximum effort and understanding from others in a very simple social situation.

andthat · 01/01/2025 01:23

roboroughgirl · 31/12/2024 16:11

That's only like interrogating because of his responses. They were leading questions that would normally result in a proper conversation. I think the OP was conducting herself correctly in a social setting

Course she was. But this is mumsnet, so….

Gwenhwyfar · 01/01/2025 02:08

Livingtothefull · 31/12/2024 18:31

Yes Darcy is fundamentally a good person.....but unfortunately he is genuinely socially rude and arrogant and is justly criticised for it at the start of the novel. He himself acknowledges this once he has learned better.

Show quote history

Yes, but the whole message of P&P is that you shouldn't judge people on first appearances. It takes time to get to know someone properly.

Gwenhwyfar · 01/01/2025 02:09

NewFriendlyLadybird · 31/12/2024 18:31

Yes. But Darcy was rude at that event. We see later that he’s perfectly capable of making conversation. He just chose not to. And thank goodness for that: there wouldn’t have been much of a novel otherwise.

Show quote history

No, I don't quite agree. He finds it much easier to talk to people he knows or in situations where he's comfortable.

Wheelz46 · 01/01/2025 05:29

5foot5 · 01/01/2025 00:47

You have had some really weird responses on here. There was absolutely nothing wrong with your attempts to engage John in conversation. Perfectly standard, polite conversational openings that anyone with any social skills at all would have picked up on and responded to.

I suspect John is probably socially awkward rather than plain, bloody rude so you did the right thing on giving up after a few attempts.

Ignore the odd criticisms on here. Either mumsnet is full of people horrified at the idea of making polite conversation with someone they don't know intimately, or lots of people just ready to have a go at someone.

Show quote history

Have you read the thread title?

So basically anyone who is socially awkward, in the OP opinion should not attend a social event.

Too right, they should be criticised and should be taking on board the feedback!

Read your last line, then the thread title, who is it having a go at someone?

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 01/01/2025 06:29

5foot5 · 01/01/2025 00:47

You have had some really weird responses on here. There was absolutely nothing wrong with your attempts to engage John in conversation. Perfectly standard, polite conversational openings that anyone with any social skills at all would have picked up on and responded to.

I suspect John is probably socially awkward rather than plain, bloody rude so you did the right thing on giving up after a few attempts.

Ignore the odd criticisms on here. Either mumsnet is full of people horrified at the idea of making polite conversation with someone they don't know intimately, or lots of people just ready to have a go at someone.

Show quote history

If OP had started a thread saying "I tried to talk to a person at a social event, but he didn't seem interested, did I need to try harder or was he rude?", she'd likely have had very different responses.

What she did was start a thread saying "this bloke at a friend's brunch didn't interact in the only way I would deem it appropriate, he should fuck off and not go to these things, shouldn't he?". Hence people telling her she's either interacted wrong or try to explain to her that people are all different, have different reasons to her for attending things like this and to not be so angry that a guy was less sociable than she is.

There's a big difference.

Newbeer · 01/01/2025 07:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Newbeer · 01/01/2025 07:54

BettyBardMacDonald · 31/12/2024 23:31

Socially inadequate is the understatement of the year.

Lumps who can't even feign interest in anyone or anything outside of themselves or their narrow circle. No idea of good manners or social graces.

As I said before, guests have responsibilities. If they can't muster up reciprocal small talk with those under the same roof, they should stay home. Not show up as useless bumps on the log.

Parents need to do better teaching their kids to think of other than themselves in social situations. It's basic civility.

Show quote history

Do you not think it’s socially inadequate to call people names and insist they isolate themselves because they aren’t talkative enough for you? If my child wrote your comment I’d be ashamed of them and myself for not instilling empathy in them.

rozziee · 01/01/2025 08:16

YANBU. In no way was anything you asked an interrogation, it’s a very normal way to initiate conversation. When I host birthday parties etc I want people to get along with each other, as they’ve all been invited as my friends. The polite thing is absolutely to make an effort and be friendly to all there.

rozziee · 01/01/2025 08:22

Have had people like this guy at events and afterwards people have commented “why did they bother coming?” They make the mood awkward and come across as incredibly rude. If you don’t want to even attempt to push yourself out of your comfort zone and engage in conversation at a social event — don’t go. That’s honestly preferable in my book.

BigDahliaFan · 01/01/2025 08:29

I have a 30 year old nephew,responsible professional job, and conversation is like getting blood out of a stone. He just doesn't get it. I watched him at a wedding once where he'd been put on a table with strangers and he couldn't wait to get up, luckily his brother who can chat away was with him.

But he doesn't get why you would chat to strangers or, even, really, his family. Talk is transactional.

Anyway I don't think OP did anything wrong, but maybe a little empathy that there are some people who just don't get talking to strangers.

Wheelz46 · 01/01/2025 08:54

BettyBardMacDonald · 31/12/2024 23:31

Socially inadequate is the understatement of the year.

Lumps who can't even feign interest in anyone or anything outside of themselves or their narrow circle. No idea of good manners or social graces.

As I said before, guests have responsibilities. If they can't muster up reciprocal small talk with those under the same roof, they should stay home. Not show up as useless bumps on the log.

Parents need to do better teaching their kids to think of other than themselves in social situations. It's basic civility.

Show quote history

Or parents need to teach their children that some people have social awkwardness and teach them kindness and empathy!

saltandvinegarchipsticks · 01/01/2025 08:57

BettyBardMacDonald · 31/12/2024 23:31

Socially inadequate is the understatement of the year.

Lumps who can't even feign interest in anyone or anything outside of themselves or their narrow circle. No idea of good manners or social graces.

As I said before, guests have responsibilities. If they can't muster up reciprocal small talk with those under the same roof, they should stay home. Not show up as useless bumps on the log.

Parents need to do better teaching their kids to think of other than themselves in social situations. It's basic civility.

Show quote history

I can’t imagine why people might not want to talk to you.

DandyTealSeal · 01/01/2025 08:58

This thread is crazy, we all have different personalities, some people like small talk and some people don’t. Are any of them out of order in the OP scenario? I’d say not. The guy wanted to be there for his friend’s birthday, he may have gone home and be going over and over it in his head, why he didn’t speak more, he may have felt the OP was overbearing or he may just be perfectly happy living life how he is. Not everyone needs social interactions to lead a fulfilling life.

Wheelz46 · 01/01/2025 09:03

BigDahliaFan · 01/01/2025 08:29

I have a 30 year old nephew,responsible professional job, and conversation is like getting blood out of a stone. He just doesn't get it. I watched him at a wedding once where he'd been put on a table with strangers and he couldn't wait to get up, luckily his brother who can chat away was with him.

But he doesn't get why you would chat to strangers or, even, really, his family. Talk is transactional.

Anyway I don't think OP did anything wrong, but maybe a little empathy that there are some people who just don't get talking to strangers.

Didn't do anything wrong? Read the thread title and that's exactly what they think your nephew should be doing!

FYI I have a primary aged son who has selective mutism and cannot talk to strangers or his peers. Even with psychological help, he hasn't overcome that yet. If he talks to someone outside the house, it's not transactional, it's an achievement!

Had the OP not been so offencsive in the title thread and shown a little more empathy in follow up posts, then I think the comments that some people seem to have taken offence to would be different.

notatinydancer · 01/01/2025 09:14

Can you not fathom some people just aren't very chatty , are introverts?
I'm not particularly fond of small talk with strangers,and wouldn't have liked you firing questions at me.

Wheelz46 · 01/01/2025 09:25

rozziee · 01/01/2025 08:22

Have had people like this guy at events and afterwards people have commented “why did they bother coming?” They make the mood awkward and come across as incredibly rude. If you don’t want to even attempt to push yourself out of your comfort zone and engage in conversation at a social event — don’t go. That’s honestly preferable in my book.

So saying someone should not have bothered coming isn't incredibly rude?

Maybe the person had actually pushed themselves out of their comfort zone by just attending, a big step for some people!

I am so glad my son is surrounded by people who like and understand him and include him in parties and gatherings even though he has social anxiety. Perhaps take a leaf out of their book, they are primary aged by the way and have a lot of empathy.

peacockbluefeather · 01/01/2025 09:43

It's such a bizarre thread. "John" attends a work colleague's "birthday brunch" and gets stuck next to some woman who thinks she's at a networking event and bombards him with dull questions, none of which she is actually interested in knowing the answers to, and when he tries to fend her off with his dull, brief replies, she show her true agenda by getting the hump when he doesn't reciprocate by asking any dull questions about her.

Why bother coming out to meet people if you can't even engage in basic conversations with people who are all there to get to know each other?

People at a birthday brunch are not there to "get to know each other". It's not speed dating. They are there to celebrate their friend/work colleague/relative's birthday, or to show polite interest in their friend/colleague/relative.

Lentilweaver · 01/01/2025 09:48

I am worried about my choir now that so many posters have said this OP is speed dating. I assume people have come there to sing so are not interested in getting to know me at all, but there is a break in the singing, and I dont fancy just sitting there in awkward silence. Or in the ten minutes before.

Especially as they all know each other.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.