To think of you're going to answer questions with "yeah.." or "no...." At a social event, then fuck offfff

[fanaticalfairy]

Why bother coming out to meet people if you can't even engage in basic conversations with people who are all there to get to know each other?
We were out for a birthday brunch this morning with about 20 people, some we knew, some we didn't as it was for a mutual friend (Graham)
Me .. spying someone unfamiliar at our table..."hi, I'm Fairy, what's your name?
Him: "John "
Me: "great. How you know Graham "
John: " through a friend, Steve"
Me: "oh, yes I know Steve, he's lovely, how do you know Steve?
John" work'
Me: "So, what do you do with Steve?"
John: "Software engineer"
Me: "great what kind of thing? Im a software engineer too..."
John: "Nothing interesting....'
Me: "Oh... Ok. So ... Got any holidays booked?"
John: "No."Tumble weed

"Ok, lovely to meet you ... I'll go and see Graham is okay "

Ugh

What world do you live in

I’ve been with my DH for 13 years and I still could only describe his work as ‘just data stuff’. Like, he’s not exactly a data architect I don’t think, but he works out what the client requirements are for new datasets/flows/cuts and then works out the best way to make the raw data do the thing the client wants. I think.

And I worked for the same org as him for five years 😂

At a party, he is NOT going to go into detail about what he does for a living. Mine is equally confusing - my parents still don’t have a clue what I actually do.

@OriginalUsername2

The civilized one.

To be fair, if I'd had to read though 800ish posts slagging me off and calling me everything from Miss Marple to aggressive, rude, narcissistic and horrible, I'd be arsey too.

I know someone who talks like this. They have selective mutism. If they had this conversation, they'd be doing very well. I'd try to be charitable and assume they have some social difficulties and this was what they could manage.

Oh pardon me

I said I take a while to warm up in groups of new people. I didn't say you should therefore sit with me in silence til I do. I don't go to my friends events to force new people to befriend me at my pace. I go to them for my friend. I make friends in other ways. At work, through regular meetings with friends and their friends (often with our kids in town), through hobby groups, online forums for interests etc.

I don't care if a random person I've never met decides they don't want to talk to me at a brunch for a mate of mine. I don't care if they think I'm boring. I quite simply gave an example of why someone may be at one of these events AND not be as outgoing socially as OP believes everyone should be.

You decided that it was being said that it's therefore rude to leave someone "alone and miserable" (to paraphrase OP), although in my world it's "in peace to enjoy my friends event in my own way". No one who said they didn't enjoy small talk with strangers did.

Yes to this... I'm astonished at pps' attitudes tbh. To actually be ANGRY at this fella because he didn't perform up to scratch in an interaction someone else just decided they were going to have with him?

I do my best with social stuff but I can't have a sparkly back-and-forth with a stranger, I just can't. I do my best but it is a performance for me, not a thing that just happens naturally or enjoyably. I can tell when someone thinks I'm boring or awkward (and I totally understand!), and it's bad enough thinking they feel sorry for me, but now I'm hearing actually they might be angry at me? Because I'm inadequate at the thing THEY like to do and have decided everyone must do or else fuck off and sit at home? What?

I've always envied people who enjoy socialising and are good at it. But come on, you guys have the majority and you have the upper hand, you have the world tbh, you have loads of people to talk to, why be so hard on us poor sods?

You sound incredibly annoying OP. After his initial lack of interest in you you should have had the sense to leave it. Why on earth did you carry on asking him questions?

I often tell people my job title and they just look bemused. It took me a long time to figure out a way of explaining it that covered what I do without being boring. There's a lot of jobs like that and people don't want to hear some whole spiel about what we do, because while it may fascinate us, its really boring to a lot of people. So a brief "software engineer" is enough for most.

Your questions per se were not awful, its the fact that you didn't take the hint and ploughed on and on and on turning it from small talk to an interrogation.... you didn't offer up ANY personal info about yourself ("yeah I know Steve" doesn't count) until the bitter end and only then because you seized the coincidence of his job into an opportunity to ask MORE QUESTIONS!!

Such a hardnosed approach is guaranteed to annoy everyone.

She was arsey to begin with, you only have to read the thread title to see that.

Maybe he was trying to get out of his comfort zone? Why are you so angry about this

It depends what culture the people come from.
I have noticed that in middle-class circles, questions like the OP's are fine and expected. In working-class circles, it is best to avoid questions all together, and converse in statements.
e.g. you make a statement about the food being great
They make a follow on statement about the food, and add something about the venue
You make a statement about how you have never been to the venue before as you don't live locally.
They make a statement about how they live in the next town.
and so on.
The statements get longer and develop into little anecdotes or stories.

The reason for this is that questions can be embarrassing:
What do they do - nothing they are unemployed or long-term sick, or have a boring factory job
Have they been on holiday - no, they can't afford holidays
Have they read any good books lately - no, they don't read
How do they know the host - can't answer that as it would be incriminating

See, it's the Pixies @YellowPixie and the Fairies @fanaticalfairy that you need you to seek out at these events. Not the Johns.

Thinking about this a bit more …

im not great with social situations but wouldn’t the normal approach be the say “Hi, I’m Fairy” and that’s IT … that way you invite the response rather than directly ask for it. Normally he would respond with “Hi Fairy, I’m John”.

I couldn’t imagine saying “what’s your name?” to an adult - that’s how you’d speak to a child!

im imagining OP staring at John intensely saying in a rather sinister manner “what’s your name” 👀

you keep asking for suggestions op so in future just introduce yourself. Then take their lead as to whether they wish to continue talking to you or not.

It's just that so many people ( I am not talking about ND people) are socially inadequate @fanaticalfairy They literally have nothing to say and no idea about what to do with themselves outside of their family and work circle.
I knew someone whose entire social circle consisted of people like that, so boring, count me out.

So what? It was a statement not a question…

I can really see how you have trouble trying to converse with people now..

Its also soooo rude giving one word answers so I’ll leave you to troll your own thread 👍🏼

I love how people are asked for alternatives and saying oh I'm not telling you, you're too rude. If John had answered the first question properly, after being asked his name, the OP wouldn't have needed to ask him other questions.

It's interesting how people assume that John has social anxiety but doesn't assume that the OP might have the same and find it difficult to sit in silence at a party.

She didn’t “need” to ask him further questions! He made it obvious from the get go that he didn’t want to chat.

Oh god, I would be so uncomfortable if somebody asked me that

Socially inadequate is the understatement of the year.

Lumps who can't even feign interest in anyone or anything outside of themselves or their narrow circle. No idea of good manners or social graces.

As I said before, guests have responsibilities. If they can't muster up reciprocal small talk with those under the same roof, they should stay home. Not show up as useless bumps on the log.

Parents need to do better teaching their kids to think of other than themselves in social situations. It's basic civility.

That's the point.

John was rude then

Well thank you for your kind words.

Well, I didn't stare intensely and declare "I'm fairy!"

I said "hi, I'm fairy, what's your name?"

I don't think it's awful to ask some one their name.

But apparently it is... 😬😬😬