To think of you're going to answer questions with "yeah.." or "no...." At a social event, then fuck offfff

[fanaticalfairy]

Why bother coming out to meet people if you can't even engage in basic conversations with people who are all there to get to know each other?
We were out for a birthday brunch this morning with about 20 people, some we knew, some we didn't as it was for a mutual friend (Graham)
Me .. spying someone unfamiliar at our table..."hi, I'm Fairy, what's your name?
Him: "John "
Me: "great. How you know Graham "
John: " through a friend, Steve"
Me: "oh, yes I know Steve, he's lovely, how do you know Steve?
John" work'
Me: "So, what do you do with Steve?"
John: "Software engineer"
Me: "great what kind of thing? Im a software engineer too..."
John: "Nothing interesting....'
Me: "Oh... Ok. So ... Got any holidays booked?"
John: "No."Tumble weed

"Ok, lovely to meet you ... I'll go and see Graham is okay "

Ugh

So op next time you are in that situation here are some ideas for you :

1. Leave the poor guy alone after he has made clear that he doesn't want to talk.

1. Read the guys body language, if he is (as you say) obviously looking miserable, ask if he's OK. If you asked me this, I would answer something along the lines of : " yes I'm fine, I'm autistic and struggling a little bit with their being so many people I.dont know". Bear in mind not everyone is happy to divulge that they are autistic and you also don't need to be autistic to find social.situations difficult. But if they do the next things to say would be "is there anything I can do to.make you more comfortable" and there's a quiet area over there if you need it, no-one would think you rude if you needed to take a break. Maybe even pretend you're going out for a cigarette (funny how even with how socially unacceptable smoking is, it's still more acceptable than needing to take a sensory break)

1. If the person still doesn't want to talk at that point, don't just write them off or think that they can fuck off. They may become more.social a little later in to the event.

No thanks, can't be doing with someone so fucking rude they can't even be bothered to ask the same question back.

That poster was trying to be helpful.

I’m not so sure John is the rude one here now.

Imagine lacking imagination to this extent.

It's not about being incurious or not wanting to be friendly. It's about the amount of energy it takes different people to achieve this.
Some people are incredibly drained by social interaction ... not because they don't like people.. but because of 'rules' like the OP has made. Unspoken rules that people may expect you to inherently understand but are not obvious to you. Like not just answering a question with a simple answer.
In this case these people can't just simply relax and be themselves. They have to put effort into preforming a role. They have to think constantly about everything in order to stay on top of what's expected of them and if they don't achieve what's expected of them they may face backlash. Incredibly draining and stressful.
But it doesn't mean they don't want to be at their friends birthday party.

What part of him sitting there quietly minding his own business led you to the conclusion that he was “miserable and alone”? Some people like being around people without liking to engage with them. But that clearly wound you up.

Well, I could read the signs, because I left him to it ...

Because he sat there looking miserable and he was alone ...

It's not being rude. I honestly wouldn't even think of asking the same question back until.maybe 5minutes after you'd gone off on your merry, judgemental way.

Mind with your attitude I'm not sure i would want to socialise with you even if I wasn't autistic

I'm going to a friends birthday lunch in the new year, where I'll know no one apart from my friend. I really struggle in social situations, but I've been invited and want to accept the invitation as I rarely get invited to anything and live a very solitary life. If someone there talks to me and I struggle, so they give up on me, believe me I won't be left sitting on my own being my 'miserable self', I'll be sitting there feeling awkward, embarrassed and beating myself up for being so hopeless. So now im just hoping I don't meet you or someone like you there who has no empathy for those of us who want to join in but really really find it hard.

Well, I'm bored of people telling me that my perfectly acceptable attempts at trying to start a conversation are somehow weird, intrusive or rude.

When they are perfectly normal ways to start conversations with mutual friends.

Noone has told me these amazing ice breakers and interesting conversation starters they are telling me I could have used yet that I can see..

What's your amazing way to attempt a conversation then...?

Well the OP did leave him be. She just offloaded anonymously on here about his rudeness, in the way countless other posters do on other threads. Nobody is driving anyone out of social settings, just pointing out that their purpose is to facilitate social interactions between people.

On a thread where so many posters have advocated compassion for 'John' and speculated about the social anxieties and ND issues he may be subject to - the contrast with how the OP has been treated on here is stark. So many insults and offensive comments: 'Miss Marple' is one of the least of them....and she has done absolutely nothing wrong.

Maybe his partner had just left him or his dog had just died?
Maybe he's autistic and just doesn't know how to mask his expression and that's just his normal facial expression.
Maybe he's anxious or depressed but wanted to make the effort to come put to his friends birthday party?
Why jump straight to 'he's a boring miserable twat' based on a few mins interaction??
Of you are so obsessed with politeness and sociability I don't think jumping to that conclusion immediately goes hand in hand with those things.

Maybe he just has the male equivalent of resting bitch face?

Alone doesn't mean miserable. Quiet people can be happy.

Why are you so aggreived by this man not being interested in speaking to you that you e made a thread online slagging him off?

John wanted to go to his friend’s birthday brunch.

He may have been social with other people but didn’t want to chat with OP.

He answered her questions because he WAS being polite but he didn’t invite further questions because he didn’t want to carry on the conversation.

I really don’t understand why some people on here can’t comprehend this?

I am torn
you sound confident and like you do have social skills but you made an effort and it was not reciprocated so rather than judge John why not let him go in peace and move on to someone who may be your cup of tea?
I am very confident socially and love a mingle but I am definitely getting better at working a room quickly to find my people and enjoy their company

That's because the op has been offensive, and towards me at least ablest.

I mean it's not like it's not something every autistic person hasn't heard before, but in this thread I have been described as rude, lazy and basically a waste of time.

It's not that the questions were wrong per se just maybe a few too many and especially as he was showing he wasn't massively interested.

An alternative might be just sharing a funny story about something that happened recently or an anecdote about the birthday boy.

Or as you work in same industry maybe chat about something that's a recent development. It would have given him a minute to just listen rather than feeling on the spot to answer a question so if he was shy he might have come round or if he wasn't interested either way wouldn't have mattered lol

I wouldn't dwell on it just one guy at one party. It's possible other people have found you a bit intense but have done better at masking it, might just be worth considering in future but doesn't sound as if you've struggled with friends/relaitonshops 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well, you can at least ask an interesting question back to get it on your wavelength.

Instead of being rude and giving one word answers.

What are your interesting small talk openers/questions then?

They probably hide in the server room with sysadmin and the data manager (who only gets dragged out once a year to win the staff Christmas Do pub quiz) when she's heard bouncing down the corridor.

Don't tell anybody, though, as that gives away our second location with the milk crate seating and, most importantly, no windows at all.

She suggested he shouldn't have gone to the event.
Myself and many other autistic people on this thread.. and many introverts and people with social anxiety too, have found that quite triggering.
You can't win for losing.
You go out and you try.. it's not good enough. You are rude. You are shady. You are strange. You are wierd. You are antisocial and ignorant.
You stay at home then, you've given up. You need to put more effort in.
In fact theres another thread on here right now about people whove given up on life.
And theres a bunch of judgemental posters on there too saying 'stop funding them if they cant get off their arse and join in life'
If you've heard this your entire life you'd be petty upset to see what people are thinking... that you shouldn't even be allowed at your friends birthday party. You aren't even good enough to be at a mates birthday party.
Horrible.

Noone is ever a boring miserable twat any more.

Everyone has social issues or neurodiversity, or their goldfish just died yada yada yada

Is it possible that some people are just boring miserable twats who should just stay at home until they learn some social skills instead of voluntarily putting themselves into situations where people doing the very thing the event was for (socialising) are made to feel awkward due to their complete lack of effort?

Bet he's the type of person who turns up to a wedding in jeans and a t-shirt and that he probably spent half the evening staring into his phone.

I'm not bothering sharing a story with someone who can't be bothered to even pretend to be vaguely interested in making conversation, be made it clear he wasn't interested.

Omg this is just such incredible timing
I am rewatching watching Sex and the City, and it's the one where Carrie meets Enid, her Vogue editor.
Carrie: Do you live in the neighbourhood?
Enid: No.
Long pause.
Carrie: You got to give me something, I am working my ass off here!
😀

So what's your amazing conversation opener in this kind of mutual friend situation if it isn't 'how do you know Graham?"