To think of you're going to answer questions with "yeah.." or "no...." At a social event, then fuck offfff

[fanaticalfairy]

Why bother coming out to meet people if you can't even engage in basic conversations with people who are all there to get to know each other?
We were out for a birthday brunch this morning with about 20 people, some we knew, some we didn't as it was for a mutual friend (Graham)
Me .. spying someone unfamiliar at our table..."hi, I'm Fairy, what's your name?
Him: "John "
Me: "great. How you know Graham "
John: " through a friend, Steve"
Me: "oh, yes I know Steve, he's lovely, how do you know Steve?
John" work'
Me: "So, what do you do with Steve?"
John: "Software engineer"
Me: "great what kind of thing? Im a software engineer too..."
John: "Nothing interesting....'
Me: "Oh... Ok. So ... Got any holidays booked?"
John: "No."Tumble weed

"Ok, lovely to meet you ... I'll go and see Graham is okay "

Ugh

I'm autistic. I can come across as insular and stand-offish in social situations because I need a bit of time to acclimatise and assess the situation before opening up.

I'm okay with being asked questions but I often forget to ask them back, which means the conversation is a bit one sided until I remember that I need to show interest in the other person to be polite. It can take a good while for me to get into my stride but most people give up on me long before that happens, which is disappointing.

Maybe this guy is similar?

Some people are socially awkward.
I can't imagine giving it a second thought. I'd have just assumed she was stressed or busy.. or flustered by me speaking to her. And idve just wandered off and spoken to someone else.
(Or sat on my own round the corner with a book, until it was time to supervise my child with the food, if I didn't know anyone)
Why get the hump?
You are there for the kids sake.
And can I say that as an autistic person softplays are an absolute nightmare.
I usually sit in a corner. I'll struggle to chat to anyone.
I certainly did say thankyou for coming to people at my kids parties I hosted at softplays... but probably I will have accidentally missed people out or not recognised people to speak to them.
I panic and it's like white noise in my head. Just the incredibly overstimulating environment. The lights and noise and constant social interaction with many people you only vaguely know. Incredibly stressful. I often react as though I'm watching from afar abd not really inside my own body. Sometimes I can't even make sense of the words someone is saying to me because I'm just panicking.
Made more stressful when you know there will be people out there who just write you off as an idiot or rude.
It's a sore point when that's been going on your whole life despite your best efforts.
But I want my children to have friends, I want them to have fun birthday parties so I man it out.
Try and have some compassion.
You have learnt some rules you consider polite that you find relatively easy to stick to.
Many people are fighting battles you just don't understand.
There may well be some totally intentionally rude people out there.. but I think they are few and far between
Give people the benefit of the doubt instead of being outraged. Assume it's not about you.
Do you really believe that woman purposefully thought 'I'm going to pull a confused expression just to hurt this person.. I'm going to not thank her for coming just to wind her up' ?

Again, the normal response would be "No, nothing booked for 2025 yet, the last place I went was Lanzarote which was lovely, but I don't know if I'd go back" or similar. Not just "no".

He just siounds like an ignorant sod. Dress it up anyway you like but these people are just rude.

If you really cannot engage in a bog standard conversation in which you are being fed questions then stay at home with your mother. You don't enhance the event, you make others feel uncomfortable.

Unless you are drop dead gorgeous so that people can pleasure from merely looking at you, why are you there. I's a social event-the clue is in the name.

John didn’t want the conversation to go on from there.

John was offering polite disinterest in conversation. Imagine if you were out and a man was trying to start a conversation with you… he’s not being an arse but you just came out because your friend has a shite day and you aren’t looking to socialize with anyone else. So you don’t tell him to fuck off (again, he’s being perfectly nice) but when he asks you questions you give one-word answers and body language that says “I’m not interested.” If he’s got basic social sense and isn’t a dick he reads that and moves on. If not then he persists and then goes back to his buddies loudly talking about the snobby bitch who couldn’t be bothered to talk to him.

As do I, like I said in my post, I would engage and be polite but I’d still find it a topic of conversation I swerve.

I don’t think the OP has done anything wrong, she politely attempted to engage someone in a conversation, but the conversation was based upon personal questions that the person didn’t appear too keen to talk about.

OP thinks is perfectly ok to say such people who don’t want to engage with her regarding personal questions should fuck off. Smacks of an air of superiority to me,

Sorry OT but do you get what I call the "bubble" feeling in over-stimulating environment. It feels like I'm in a bubble, just trying to protect myself (too.much noise physically hurts). And I simply cannot distinguish a single voice among it all.

*I wear noise cancelling earphones in loud places, I can still.hear if someone is actually talking to.me, but it lowers the volume of the rest of the world.

John didn’t want the conversation to go on from there.

Why is John going to social gatherings when he does not want to be sociable is the real question then.

So don't go? It's not like you don't know in advance what you are in for. Turning up with that attitude just makes it awkward and uncomfortable for everyone else.

If we wanted to sit next to strangers in silence, we'd go to the library, not a party. I am not the biggest party animal and I do have to be in the mood, but once I am there I will make an effort to chat and show an interest in other people, even if I am never going to see them again. If I am not in the mood for that then I won't go. What I don't do is turn up and sit /stand there with a face like a slapped arse for the entire time, giving everyone the impression that they are already boring me before we've even got started.

I think having absolutely no interest in other people is not a terribly attractive trait if I am honest.

Exactly - I've asked OP several times now with no answer - what were the social cues that John was giving off before she introduced herself to him and during the first two questions?

Was John content and happy at the party and interacting with others, or was he looking awkward and lonely?

It's possible he's rude, boring or socially inept. Possible the OP is oblivious to social cues. Sometimes people are giving you the politest hint they can when they don't prolong a conversation with you.

I was answering a PP's question with one possible way John might have answered a question about his holiday. There are approximately five million other things he might have said.

And answering a question simply with 'No' during a social event being hosted by a mutual friend is not polite by any stretch of the imagination.

Aren't you lovely.
You know what I might be an ignorant sod, but at least I'm not a nasty piece of work like you are.

It might be a bit dull, but it's also a standard, non-threatening conversation opener.

My job is dull. I usually answer "oh, it's really boring but I do suchandsuch since COVID I used to do suchandsuch and that's where my heart really is, what about you?"

It's not hard to make dull things relatively interesting if you both make the effort.

Because some people who struggle to be sociable, still want to go to those events. We like to be included, even if we don't behave in the perfect, socially acceptable, NT way

It's an event to celebrate a mutual friends birthday. Not a networking event or a group single/mingle! Why do you assume everyone who goes to a social event is there to make new friends? Why can't he just be there to spend time with the people he already knows and be polite (which he was) to those he doesn't.
I'd find your approach really off putting myself, what happened to wandering up, nod and smile, say hey, making some innocuous comment (lovely day, nice food) and wait and see if you get anything back that suggests they want to make conversation? And if not the drift off again and see someone else? Why did you assume that he would want to get to know you?

He wanted to acknowledge his friend Graham’s birthday, and maybe chat a bit with another friend he did know. He might also enjoy just listening to conversations of other people and soaking in the happy atmosphere.

This wasn’t a networking event or a mixer, and it wasn’t about OP. Why should John have to sacrifice his existing friendship just because he doesn’t want to get to know a bunch of strangers?

Maybe John wanted to be sociable with Steve and Graham, Jennifer (Steve's wife) the other couple he already knew. He's happy sitting quietly and enjoying the food and the atmosphere and being polite but not forthcoming to the people he doesn't know.

I’m quite good at figuring out the boring, low energy people. After the first 2 questions I’d have made my excuses and moved on, to likeminded people.

Just don’t bother with people like this in future! In my experience this is why they don’t have many friends.

This is reproduced here because it is a perfect, museum quality specimen.

I just don’t process quickly enough to give an answer like that, my mind goes a bit blank in a conversation with strangers, to me conversation feels like when you’re watching a quiz show and there’s a question you know you know the answer to but when put on the spot you can’t think of it and so you either blurt out something stupid or can only reply with pass. I feel that high level of anxiety the whole way through conversations with strangers, my mind goes blank, I can’t remember simple things like where I’ve been on holiday or what I last watched on TV and I can’t think of anything ‘normal’ to say and then I so know I’m at risk of blurting out something stupid. On top of that I’m single and childless which makes me feel inadequate and I just know at some point the stranger will ask if I’m married/ have kids and that I’ll have to say no and they’ll judge me for being a failure compared to normal people. I’ll then go home and hate myself and pick over everything I said and just wish I was able to socialise like a ‘normal’ person and question why it seems so easy to other people.

Honestly it is easier and a bit of a self-protective stance to try and avoid conversations in social situations when you are a socially awkward and/ or neurodivergent person. If only it was as easy as just giving a ‘normal’ response but my brain just doesn’t work like that.

Also bear in mind if you’re socially awkward and not living a a typical life you may not have a lot to say about ‘normal’ topics of conversation. As I said I’m childless and single, that also means I don’t have anyone to go on holiday with so I haven’t holidayed in years.

Because it's a social event and people are expected to talk to one another.

It can be polite depending on tone and facial expression.

If they do a gentle "No" with a small smile and a "nice to have talked but let's leave this conversation there" expression.

Can be done in a very rude way too.

OP should really have noticed on the first very obvious one word answer "work" that John had no interest in prolonging a conversation with her. And certainly no interest in answering personal questions.

Maybe.. i think it's a form of panic. I sometimes feel very far away and almost like I might black out.
I wear earplugs at home but not out and about... I've been considering it recently.
I still have a lot of hangups about 'appearing autistic' Which is ridiculous but it's the truth. I need to get over that because my middle daughter us under assessment and I don't want her to ever feel like she has to pretend she's not autistic to win favour.
But I spent most of my childhood doing that. With some success.
So I feel real fear in these situations.. that I'm going to have a panic attack and everyone there will know I'm an imposter human being who can't human being properly..

I've got lots of friends who I'm very comfortable around.
But it's when I have to interact with people I only half know that I really struggle.
And in an environment like a soft play!! It's just awful.
I usually sit reading so that people won't try and talk to me. Not because I dislike them but just because I find it very hard to focus there.

God one of the last ones I was at the bloody fire alarm went off as well!! So the noise of the fire alarm was going on top of everything.. and then there was a big move to get out so people were brushing past me. And I had to somehow quickly round up the kids.
I kept it all together until I got down the road and then I sat on a bench with my head in my knees for a bit whilst my kids played on the grass.

i can get social anxiety too , however , I think it’s everybody’s responsibility to make as much social effort / conversation as they feel they can when they have decided to turn up to such social events . I don’t like it and certainly don’t think it’s fair that some people just say nothing , without trying , and leave all the graft (which it often feels like ) to other people . Pull abit weight people or don’t turn up .

It's not as some people are unemployed