To think of you're going to answer questions with "yeah.." or "no...." At a social event, then fuck offfff

[fanaticalfairy]

Why bother coming out to meet people if you can't even engage in basic conversations with people who are all there to get to know each other?
We were out for a birthday brunch this morning with about 20 people, some we knew, some we didn't as it was for a mutual friend (Graham)
Me .. spying someone unfamiliar at our table..."hi, I'm Fairy, what's your name?
Him: "John "
Me: "great. How you know Graham "
John: " through a friend, Steve"
Me: "oh, yes I know Steve, he's lovely, how do you know Steve?
John" work'
Me: "So, what do you do with Steve?"
John: "Software engineer"
Me: "great what kind of thing? Im a software engineer too..."
John: "Nothing interesting....'
Me: "Oh... Ok. So ... Got any holidays booked?"
John: "No."Tumble weed

"Ok, lovely to meet you ... I'll go and see Graham is okay "

Ugh

So you agree you were interrogating him.

I avoid nosy Parker’s too.

You went in too early with probing questions IMO which can be off putting to someone who is shy. Your intensity also shows in the fact you have made a thread about the poor guy. Most people wouldn’t have thought about him again beyond the interaction, they would have just chatted to people on their wavelength and focused on remembering that.

Most people start conversations with how did you get here?/have you been here before? style questions with people they’ve not met before. You sound like THAT over intense person who shows up at parties expecting everyone to behave like them and also thinking everyone will instantly like them, and not really caring if you are making someone feel uncomfortable.

Did you read the whole book?
Because they both have flaws.. and hers was making an entire judgement of his character based on him being a bit socially awkward. Then believing slander about him because he was too quiet and then too principled to defend himself.
They both go on a journey as flawed people. She projects things onto his silence that turn out not to be his true nature and he misguidedly thinks he is upholding decorum and dignity by behaving as he does at the start. Their initial interaction has them both blinded by their preconceptions.
It's not a positive thing that she judged him for being quiet.. just as its not a positive thing that he judges her based on the behaviour of her family.
Fair for her to judge him regarding the snobbish rude comment he made though..

But the quiet, not chatty, aspect of him.. thats something she learns isn't what it seems.

I think it's a bit unfair to judge the poor man on not being sufficiently sociable to a stranger at a birthday party.

He was there to see his friend, he was there with another mate, and he's not the chitchat type. That's OK. Lots of people go to private events like birthday parties to see their friends, not to make new ones.

Like the OP, I'm a gregarious sort. But I can take a hint that chattiness isn't welcome and not judge someone for it.

She sounded like she was trying to work out if he was meant to be there. Who do you know, well how do you know them, what do you like to do together, can you remember the first time you met, are you really a spy for mi5 and not actually a friend of Graham's? You can make polite small talk without interrogating, and you can not investigate everyone's life without being accused of being in a clique.

Think I've already said before, if you actually want to know more about someone then you need to also ask better questions. There are plenty of people like me that if you asked a simple closed question you'd get a closed answer.

So ask me "How do you know Steve?" And I would just answer the question, so work

Ask me an open question (and give me time to answer) and you might (if I'm not too overwhelmed) get the start of a conversation.

Thank you, @Thatcastlethere, you make my case for me, perfectly. I empathise when appropriate but have a low tolerance of bs, wokery, limp-wristed neurotic self-obsessed snowflakes (as you’ve probably guessed) and media driven “trends”.

I do agree. I am quiet and socially awkward, and it’s something I have really had to work on. I’m more forgiving of myself now I am older, and accept that I’m not ever going to be a sparkling conversationalist but I am friendly, and I do love to chat. if I met the OP and she was asking me questions like that I’d have no trouble chatting back (the holiday question would likely get half my life story at the moment, family member abroad has a huge birthday next year 😬😬).

But for years and years I’ve struggled so much with conversation with people I’ve just met. I’d never just give one word answers like this person, how rude! It did lead to a funny situation when I was new in one job, me quiet & socially awkward and another colleague who was also quiet and possibly shy, alone in the office together and both wanting to be friendly to each other. Painfully asking each other questions similar to those in the OP. It was awkward for both of us but we did it because neither of us were unfriendly or rude.

Oh give over. She's making friendly conversation, showing an interest in him, trying to find common ground, which is what you are supposed to do when you meet new people socially.

It only reads like an interrogation because this socially inept arse of a man can't be bothered with anything more than one word answers. He has either no personality, no charm or no manners. One or the other, or all three.

So at a party of 20 people for the birthday of a mutual friend, some posters are suggesting guests should not attempt to speak to people sitting nearby in case they are
introverted
neurodiverse
autistic
have an eating disorder
grieving
had a bad day
socially inept
Suggests to me a silent, boring party.

Because he didn't want to talk to some stranger interrogating him on his friendship circle.

This is one of the more ridiculous comments on a frankly bizarre thread. There are no limits as to how often anyone may post, on a thread posted by an OP to invite comments. There are plenty of threads on MN which keep going for pages, despite no follow up posts from the OP at all.

You could have been describing me there.

It's definitely not you OP. People's social skills have gone backwards and it appears to be more tolerated these days. Sad state of affairs I find.

He’s IT. It’s to be expected - it takes all sorts. Reminds me of the appraisal scene in The Office:
”What are you strengths?”
”Accounts”

It's really dull

You asked if he had a holiday booked and he didn't. How did you want him to answer?

Sure, if someone’s got a dull job.

Most people's jobs aren't as interesting as they think

Yes! Multiple times. And yes, a lot of the point is that they both grow and learn to overcome both pride and prejudice.

But Darcy is rude at the start!

'She is tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt me, and I am in no humor at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men.'

Admittedly she's not supposed to overhear that.

And later he admits his awkwardness.

'Darcy: 'I certainly have not the talent which some people possess, of conversing easily with those I have never seen before. I cannot catch their tone of conversation, or appear interested in their concerns, as I often see done.'

Elizabeth:'My fingers do not move over this instrument in the masterly manner which I see so many women's do. They have not the same force or rapidity, and do not produce the same expression. But then I have always supposed it to be my own fault -- because I would not take the trouble of practicing. It is not that I do not believe my fingers as capable as any other woman's of superior execution.

Darcy smiled and said, "You are perfectly right. You have employed your time much better. No one admitted to the privilege of hearing you can think anything wanting. We neither of us perform to strangers." '

You sound delightful.

He could have answered something like 'No, but I'm hoping to go to Vietnam sometime soon', and the OP could have replied something like 'Oh wow, that's great! What interests you about Vietnam?' And the conversation could have gone on from there.

But even given all that, note how the conversation goes back and forth, how he responds to what she's said and takes it forward. That it what OP's person didn't do.

Exactly or even just returning the question would be just basic politeness and social etiquette.

Poor man must have thought it was a job interview.

Social anxiety aside, have you considered he might be hearing impaired?
I can hear perfectly well most of the time, put can find pubs/crowded events like parties a nightmare to hear what is being said.

Will often cry off from a big event where I don;t know many people in favour of a 1:1 lunch

This was a social occasion with about 20 guests not all of whom knew each other. That was large enough to have quite a mix of people but small enough to require everyone to make an effort to interact and for any unsocial people to be noticed. If everyone had taken the same approach as 'John' there could have been a lot of awkward silences, which wouldn't have made for a pleasant occasion for anyone least of all the host.

But everyone isn’t going to do as John did. In a group of 20 you’re going to get a spectrum of attitudes/comfort levels with mingling, with John on one end and people like OP who want to go engage every single person present on the other end. The vast majority of people will be in the middle - willing to eager to engage but perhaps needing someone like OP to spark a conversation. OP has confirmed that everyone else was happy to chat when she approached them. John’s presence as a quiet observer amidst a socializing group of 20 only seems like an inherent problem if you’re the type of extrovert who can’t understand that your idea of enjoying a social occasion is not universal.

John didn't say anything rude and OP’s initial efforts were completely fine. But OP being angry that John had the nerve to show up at his friend’s birthday if he didn’t want to get to know her is an OP problem. John shouldn’t need to snub his friend because OP can’t handle one person in a party of 20 not being interested in getting into a conversation with her.