To think of you're going to answer questions with "yeah.." or "no...." At a social event, then fuck offfff

[fanaticalfairy]

Why bother coming out to meet people if you can't even engage in basic conversations with people who are all there to get to know each other?
We were out for a birthday brunch this morning with about 20 people, some we knew, some we didn't as it was for a mutual friend (Graham)
Me .. spying someone unfamiliar at our table..."hi, I'm Fairy, what's your name?
Him: "John "
Me: "great. How you know Graham "
John: " through a friend, Steve"
Me: "oh, yes I know Steve, he's lovely, how do you know Steve?
John" work'
Me: "So, what do you do with Steve?"
John: "Software engineer"
Me: "great what kind of thing? Im a software engineer too..."
John: "Nothing interesting....'
Me: "Oh... Ok. So ... Got any holidays booked?"
John: "No."Tumble weed

"Ok, lovely to meet you ... I'll go and see Graham is okay "

Ugh

I can't believe we've got to page 16 without someone suggesting we should have badges or lanyards or wristbands at social events.
Green . Happy to talk to new people.
Orange . Happy to talk to people I already know.
Red. Not really up for conversation.
I believe they have them at sex parties.Not sure they relate to chatting preferences there.

You don't think suggesting that someone shouldn't attend their friends birthday party because they aren't a good enough conversationalist, is cruel??

I think it's pretty cruel.

Creating a thread on a forum about how pissed off you were that they weren't more chatty is also a little cruel.
But it's the suggestion that he shouldn't have even attended the event if he can't be chatty that is really quite shit.

I'm with you.

I can't stand people like this. People that say "fine" when you ask how they are and don't ask how you are are rude AF and one of my pet hates but honestly, people aren't taught manners and social conventions they way they used to be.

For example, I always thought you should go and say hello to the host when you arrive at a party. I once went to a kid's birthday party with my son and I went up to the mum and said something like "Hiya, I'm DS's mum, thanks for inviting us" and she said "oh right" gave me a weird look as if she didn't know why I was talking to her and then turned away to speak to someone else. I was gobsmacked. Was she expecting me to turn up at her party and just sit there and ignore her??

Nowt queer as folk.

I didn't say everyone who posts is that way, but that you will get a lot of them. Good try though

If I'm going to somewhere where I know there's going to be a lot of people i don't know, I sometimes wonder if I should wear my lanyard, just so people know that if they think I'm being rude I don't mean to.

Ok then @Thatcastlethere 👍

And how ON EARTH are you supposed to "get to know them" if you are monosyllabic and refuse to engage in small talk with them? Just stand by them and hope it happens by osmosis or something?

Of course perhaps the guy took one look at OP and thought she looked horrible and he didn't want to talk to her

"Gobsmacked" genuinely?? At someone being a bit awkward with you??

There are a lot of people out there who are kind and nice.. and don't make snap judgements. So will continue being friendly towards you over time until you eventually become relaxed and friendly back.

im with the op, i presume thats how conversations usually go, or at least gives the other person chance to talk

I think starting with mundane comments like the weather, the venue, the food, anything that's not personal right off the bat works better. And "what do you think of the...?" is a better open ended question rather than pointed ones. That way you can guage if someone is open to sharing more of themselves, or if you should move on.

Asking how you know the host and what you do for work isn’t intrusive. It’s small talk and you can be general like software engineer for a helicopter company. No one was asking his pay grade or number of women he’s slept with. I assume you don’t answer the door when someone rings the bell too.

It takes time. Jeez, maybe op should have asked the host if there was anything the guy was interested in, then the conversation would have been less stilted. There again maybe the host knew that they would have nothing in common and so didn't bother.
Again I know how lucky I am, when I go to events, if there are people I don't know (or more importantly don't known me) then someone will explain to them that it will take time for me to be able to talk to them about anything other than my special interests.

Perhaps, if Op is over 50, he simply heard a disembodied voice and couldn't actually see her . Everyone knows we women ' of a certain age' are invisible. 😃

Well, at least now I know that Lizzy Bennet is a monster and Darcy doesn't experience any personal growth over the course of P&P.

They stood for some time without speaking a word; and she began to imagine that their silence was to last through the two dances, and at first was resolved not to break it; till suddenly fancying that it would be the greater punishment to her partner to oblige him to talk, she made some slight observation on the dance. He replied, and was again silent. After a pause of some minutes, she addressed him a second time with:—"It is your turn to say something now, Mr. Darcy. I talked about the dance, and you ought to make some sort of remark on the size of the room, or the number of couples."

He smiled, and assured her that whatever she wished him to say should be said.

"Very well. That reply will do for the present. Perhaps by and by I may observe that private balls are much pleasanter than public ones. But now we may be silent."

"Do you talk by rule, then, while you are dancing?"

"Sometimes. One must speak a little, you know. It would look odd to be entirely silent for half an hour together; and yet for the advantage of some, conversation ought to be so arranged, as that they may have the trouble of saying as little as possible."

Yes.
Who throws a party and then looks at people like you don't understand why they are speaking to you and thanking you for the invite?
She didn't even say thank you for the gift I was holding, say thanks for coming, tell me to help myself to a drink, nothing. It was weird.

For example, I always thought you should go and say hello to the host when you arrive at a party. I once went to a kid's birthday party with my son and I went up to the mum and said something like "Hiya, I'm DS's mum, thanks for inviting us" and she said "oh right" gave me a weird look as if she didn't know why I was talking to her and then turned away to speak to someone else. I was gobsmacked. Was she expecting me to turn up at her party and just sit there and ignore her??

This is actually different becsuse she was the host of the party, not a random guest. Responding to your introduction and thanks by saying her name and “we’re so glad you could come” would be standard etiquette.

Not everyone is an extrovert or good at social chit-chat. That doesn't mean they should stay at home and avoid social events altogether just to avoid annoying someone like you. Perhaps they just don't want to be interrogated by a nosy parker.

You hit him with a barrage of questions, and then when you got one-word answers, instead of rephrasing things into more general terms or saying something about yourself (or the food, the party host, the weather etc), you just asked yet another question. I find it really uncomfortable if someone gives me the Spanish Inquisition like that, and would much prefer it if the other person started telling me something about themselves instead, or just randomly chatting.

Well, tbf, you approached him first so it's you who should FO.

I think under the circumstances what the op did was fine.
She was asking some randomer on the bus these questions.
John said he knew the ops friend through work, so it’s perfectly reasonable to develop the conversation along those lines.
I do think there is a time and place for indepeth questions. I often get people asking me questions whilst I’m working. Sometimes I give very brief answers but after all, I am trying to work.
If you are at a friend’s party then I think most people would like to mingle.

You were fine. I find social chit chat hard so I'd have loved you making an effort with me (especially when it turned out we had similar jobs).

The OP may have been just offloading about this situation, and observing that this kind of behaviour at a social occasion is rude. Every other thread on MN seems to include this kind of offloading/observations about experiences, and many of them include anonymous 'Fuck Offffs' to people who have annoyed/upset them. Perfectly legitimate use of MN, there is no need to want any specific outcome from a thread.

This was a social occasion with about 20 guests not all of whom knew each other. That was large enough to have quite a mix of people but small enough to require everyone to make an effort to interact and for any unsocial people to be noticed. If everyone had taken the same approach as 'John' there could have been a lot of awkward silences, which wouldn't have made for a pleasant occasion for anyone least of all the host.

For all 'John' knew the OP could find it challenging to interact too. I mentioned above that I have social anxiety but feel I need to make an effort at social events like these. It is quite painful when those efforts are shrugged off.
As others have commented: it is about social obligation and reciprocity.

I’ll be honest I don’t really want to talk to strangers if I go to a social gathering. I’m autistic (although not openly, very few people know I’m diagnosed) and find small talk with strangers really draining, I don’t process conversation that quickly, I find it awkward and then overthink my responses and I end up exhausted from the conversations. If I go to a social gathering I’d rather stand/ sit on my own for a bit than talk to a stranger and that way I save my social energy for catching up with the people there I know. Having to mingle is my worst nightmare! I still go to social occasions because I do enjoy an opportunity to talk to the people I already know where I don’t need to make small talk/ find talk draining and also because usually the people who’ve invited me appreciate I’ve made the effort to turn up.

I don’t think you were wrong to try and make conversation, but he wasn’t wrong not to want to engage with it either. It’s okay if he wanted to spend some of the gathering sitting quietly alone instead of making small talk to strangers.

But at that sort of event which OP describes as a brunch, you have a fixed period of 2 hours or whatever to socialise and chat. What would you rather do, spend time researching the guy or teasing more and more one word answers out of him - well no, because why would you waste time trying to get to know someone who is giving off "leave me alone" vibes, and also because you'd be told by most of the people on here that asking what he was interested in was akin to stalking, and ploughing on with conversation was intrusive, rude, and not respecting his boundaries.

So in the real world, you sack off the rude man who won't engage and chat with someone who will.

Social interaction is all about give and take. If you are not prepared to put yourself out there, do the small talk thing and answer those rude/intrusive/highly personal questions about where you work or like to go on holiday, then you cannot be surprised when you are left standing in the corner on your own.