To think of you're going to answer questions with "yeah.." or "no...." At a social event, then fuck offfff

[fanaticalfairy]

Why bother coming out to meet people if you can't even engage in basic conversations with people who are all there to get to know each other?
We were out for a birthday brunch this morning with about 20 people, some we knew, some we didn't as it was for a mutual friend (Graham)
Me .. spying someone unfamiliar at our table..."hi, I'm Fairy, what's your name?
Him: "John "
Me: "great. How you know Graham "
John: " through a friend, Steve"
Me: "oh, yes I know Steve, he's lovely, how do you know Steve?
John" work'
Me: "So, what do you do with Steve?"
John: "Software engineer"
Me: "great what kind of thing? Im a software engineer too..."
John: "Nothing interesting....'
Me: "Oh... Ok. So ... Got any holidays booked?"
John: "No."Tumble weed

"Ok, lovely to meet you ... I'll go and see Graham is okay "

Ugh

There's people on here trying to gaslight op that she's the one with no social skills. Only on Mumsnet!!! Madness!!!

At a party, assuming no prior fall-outs with the OP, that is rude.

I'm a IT programmer and I'm not surrounded by introverted people at work. It's an alfwul lot of team work and brainstorming non stop asking colleagues to unpick what's going on when you find a bug and do much client work. How do social introverts get requires out of customers?

Yeah, that's it. OP thinks she is the master of social interaction when clearly she's oblivious to the signals people are sending her.

I chat GPD’d ‘ice breakers’, and this came back…
Here’s a great icebreaker question:
“If you could instantly master any skill, what would it be and why?”
The answer could be, “conversation starters in socially awkward situations”. 😜

As said in Four weddings and a funeral"
Ah yes Toby( Steve) he was at school with my brother. Buggered me senseless.Happy days.

I think it's more a case that she seems to want everyone else to have the same social aptitude she has. And she doesn't have some of the social skills needed to.realise that her attentions were unwelcome.

Gaslighting! Am I also practising coercive control?

I'll pick the bones of it. You are doing what you accuse others of. This massively lacks empathy. You communicate in a certain way and are sure that is the 'normal way' that everyone should communicate. No attempt to understand why people may not be able to nor want to do that.. other than to loosely blame the Internet.
You expect people to cater to you and your communication needs and if they don't.. instead of thinking 'well for whatever reason that person is unable to meet my communication needs so I'll try and talk to someone else' you blame them.. consider it a flaw in them.. and actually imply they are dumb.
Pretty closed minded of you really.
Perhaps it's just that you are boring and not as good at conversation as you think so they can't be arsed talking to you??

I think it's not actually the issue you make it all out to be. You are you and they are they. People are different. That's all it is. You won't click with everyone. You won't understand everyone.
I certainly have met people who I've considered lovely warm people.. only later to hear someone else calling them rude and aloof.
People are all so different. Our needs are all so different, the way we express ourselves.

Just chalk it up to difference if you have a difficult interaction with someone. Why get on your high horse about it? Why project onto them negatively?

Banging on? But I just asked you how you know Michael and what you do for a living? 😊

LOL if you post on AIBU you will get a bunch of bitter trolls eager for a pile on. The irony of these posters talking about social skills

No it isn't. You might say that there's an implicit contract to be sociable, but not necessarily with everyone. Maybe the guy though OP was a twat. Maybe OP is a twat. I don't know and neither do you. He chose to communicate that he didn't want to interact with her and that's fine.

And got an answer. Seriously, if you want to get more detailed answers then you need to ask open questions rather than closed.

ETA :
A closed question would be one that requires a short, 1-3 word answers. For example "do you enjoy running?"

An open question would be one that allows elaboration such as "what is it about running you enjoy or dislike?"

Question 1 would only demand a yes, no, kind of answer
Question 2 would allow the person to elaborate and would more likely lead to a conversation about (in this case because it is my hyperfocus) running.

So, at a brunch, I'm assuming the OP would have been sitting at a table next to the non-social man. At some point I would have turned away, and tried to have a conversation with the person on the other side. That's one reason a good host organizes the seating with thought in advance.

This reminds me of a time I went to a social gathering including quite a few engineers. Oh boy, I hate to categorize people, but I think quite a few of them were brilliant but neuro divergent. This is in the years before this was recognized. That was one of the strangest get-togethers I've been to. Very hard to get small-talk rather than technical chat.

@fanaticalfairy - my issue isn’t with your handling of the situation. Pretty standard - you tried a couple of questions and moved on when you didn’t get much back.

My issue is with your response to what, perceived rejection? Someone came to a brunch to eat some nice food and support a friend. He didn’t come to make new friends, he sounds like he was probably quite introverted and just wasn’t comfortable chatting to you.

Your reaction? To get so pee’d off that someone wouldn’t engage with you at a brunch that instead of just brushing it off, you went online to ask the internet if you’re unreasonable to think introverts at social events should ‘fuck offfff’?

Jeez! 🙄

Fantastic advice. Which forum are you posting on at the moment?

It's odd that someone behaving like this would boil her piss to this degree. Could it be that she thinks she's the main character, and gets unduly upset when someone doesn't agree?

People have a funny idea about what is "cruel"

but I think quite a few of them were brilliant but neuro divergent. This is in the years before this was recognized. That was one of the strangest get-togethers I've been to. Very hard to get small-talk rather than technical

They were probably thinking - wow one of the best socials I have ever been too, people actually had something interesting to say 😀

So you think people should be punished for being an introvert or having (sometimes severe) social anxiety?

He was there for his friend's birthday, under no obligation to make chit chat with someone who was rude and pushy. After the second question, it should have been obvious he didn't want to talk.

I can't imagine why anyone would think it's polite or even acceptable to make judgements about someone's personality and social skills.

You and others don't have the right to dictate "correct" party behaviour, and@fanaticalfairy definitely had no need to make a thread about it. Someone may recognize the poor guy in this situation.

This wasn’t a networking event or social mixer. John presumably came to celebrate his friend Graham’s birthday - he wasn’t there to get to know you or anyone else and that’s ok.

Nothing you asked was abnormal. And nothing he said was rude, he was just sending clear “I’m not looking for a conversation” signals with basic answers and not reciprocating. But the fact that you’re hung up on this one person not wanting to chat with you is ridiculous.

It sounds like you went around trying to engage everyone in conversation. That’s great that you’re someone who sees an occasion like this as a time to do some fun mingling and maybe make new friends out of mutual acquaintances; that sort of engagement is really appreciated by many people. But some people are the opposite in that they absolutely dread making small talk and having a bunch of get-to-know-you questions and it’s not your job to convert them to your ways any more than it would have been John’s place to suggest you go sit quietly on your own and soak in the atmosphere. Whether you can wrap your mind around it or not, some people enjoy a party FAR more when they can sit on the side sipping a drink. Respect that and politely take their cue and move on to someone who does want to chat.

I went to a hen w/e with about 15 people. I knew the hen, her mum, and one other person. I didn't feel interrogated and hopefully I didn't interrogate anyone else, but I feel like I made a few new friends and got to know people better....by just chatting (I'm not really an extrovert)

It would have been a pretty boring weekend if I hadn't engaged with anyone I didn't know before

@fanaticalfairy you did nothing wrong. Ignore all the idiots

it was a social event, even the most “IT type“ people there know that it’s a social event and as hard as it is for them, they have chosen to come

you tried. At least you tried.

Quite possibly @GoldsolesLugs