To think of you're going to answer questions with "yeah.." or "no...." At a social event, then fuck offfff

[fanaticalfairy]

Why bother coming out to meet people if you can't even engage in basic conversations with people who are all there to get to know each other?
We were out for a birthday brunch this morning with about 20 people, some we knew, some we didn't as it was for a mutual friend (Graham)
Me .. spying someone unfamiliar at our table..."hi, I'm Fairy, what's your name?
Him: "John "
Me: "great. How you know Graham "
John: " through a friend, Steve"
Me: "oh, yes I know Steve, he's lovely, how do you know Steve?
John" work'
Me: "So, what do you do with Steve?"
John: "Software engineer"
Me: "great what kind of thing? Im a software engineer too..."
John: "Nothing interesting....'
Me: "Oh... Ok. So ... Got any holidays booked?"
John: "No."Tumble weed

"Ok, lovely to meet you ... I'll go and see Graham is okay "

Ugh

I prefer when they don't actually enter the house. Just stand there at my windows. The curtains are drawn, but that's quite enough for me. Wouldn't want any uncomfortable conversations.

Asking questions isn’t interrogation - those are perfectly fine getting to know you questions - I’m assuming that as you are all taking part in a mutually pleasing activity that you’ll get loads of lovely back and forth conversation.

But if there’s one person who is giving off quiet and reserved vibes and body language - gives one word answers and doesn’t ask questions back, who doesn’t look engaged or interested in you - then if you keen firing questions at that person after the first 2-3, then that’s when it turns into an interrogation.

He doesn't owe you anything just because he's gone out to celebrate his friend's birthday. If he bores you, go find someone else to talk to. He's there to wish his friend a nice birthday, not necessarily to network and meet new people.

I can't quite tell if you're schooling me in how to do autism or not? But do not fear, I am well aware of how NTs like to do things, I have plenty of people love me for exactly who I am, and am perfectly happy. And can have the best time with other ND people too when we get to do things our way. Autistic people spend lots of time 'making an effort' as we're in a world of neurotypical norms. And there are plenty of neurotypical people who make an effort back rather than enforcing those norms.

My son has selective mutism. He might attend something like that if he really liked Graham but he definitely wouldn't talk to someone he didn't know.

FFS. She was at a party and speaking to strangers. Do you really think the only person who should speak to strangers at a party should be the hostess?

It's not "absurdly formal behaviour" - it's NORMAL behaviour.

You say she needs to learn to recognise social cues. You need to recognise that she was using her social skills to get to know people - people who had no social skills of their own.

Surely if you're there to support your friend, that would include being courteous to their other friends, and trying to make it a successful and enjoyable celebration for them?

Who said constantly? At a party there literally is an obligation to make small talk with people you don’t know. Either learn how to make small talk or don’t go to parties.

Thank you! Fair enough.

It's also quite possible the bloke just took an instant dislike to the OP 🤷‍♂️

It happens sometimes.

You know when you just look at someone and see/hear how they interact with others, and get instantly turned off?

Doesn't mean he's like that with everyone.

I truly, genuinely cannot comprehend how anyone can think that asking 'I'm Jane, nice to meet you, what's your name?' and 'how do you know Graham?' at a social event are 'intrusive questions'. It's not like the OP asked the bloke what his inside leg measurement and his favourite sexual position are, FFS.

Well luckily my friends know me and they know my quirks and they still want to be my friend and invite me to things. They are happy that I make the effort to turn up, they know how difficult I find things like that appreciate that I turned up at all.

But you're not supporting anyone if you turn up and refuse to engage with people. As the host I'd much rather a person was honest with me and declined because they weren't feeling up to being social.

I don't agree that this is a tactless question, people ask it all the time as an ice breaker. The person is then free to respond any way they like....if they don't feel comfortable talking about their job (or don't have one) they are free to talk about something else eg charity work engaged in, work with their children's school, book club, whatever they like.

It is called initiating a conversation, which can only be done by asking boring conventional questions initially; but these are to allow the other person to open up and engage so the conversation can be steered accordingly.

I really don't understand why the OP is getting such negative responses on here, I find them bizarre. It is normal and expected for people to initiate contact with strangers at social events; the alternative is to ignore them which some would no doubt complain about (I am sure I have read several MN threads from people complaining about this very thing).

It is not accurate that the OP didn't pick up his social cue. After what appears to be a very short interaction when she asked him a few questions to provide him an opportunity to open up conversation, she picked up on that very cue and left him to it. She did not do anything wrong here.

Shouldn’t he have just texted his mate happy birthday then? Or taken him out 121?

The pandemic and its restrictions on socialising have eroded people's ability to directly interact with each other. Things that would have been standard even a couple of decades ago are now outrageous it seems. If you cannot approach someone and attempt to start a conversation, it makes me wonder how, if you are single, you are meant to find a romantic partner without going through the toxic rigmarole of online dating, or how you find new friends with shared interests (e.g. climbing partners if you are into mountaineering)? Humans have evolved to be social animals, is technology now overriding this. Do people think having a thousand likes on Facebook is in any way comparable to F2F human interaction?

...such aaaas?

Because loads of people understand and are open to normal social interaction and don’t think she was being unreasonable.

I think it’s fine to not particularly want to talk to strangers. Everyone is different. However, she wasn’t self centred at all - she was asking this man about himself. Self centred would be telling him all about herself, surely.

I do slightly despair at the idea that asking someone “so what do you do for work?” is considered intrusive and over bearing. I’m not sure how people function in the outside world if they read so much malice and negativity into something so innocuous.

Good Lord, some of the responses on this thread. You have to wonder if some posters have any friends at all, or indeed any social interaction!

I am autistic, I am not anti-social. I don't turn up and refuse to engage with people. I have an inability to engage in a socially acceptable way with people I don't know. I do not understand social cues in the way most.people do.
Someone might ask me a question and I'll answer it, but that won't lead.to a conversation.
Maybe just maybe, John is similar.
He answered the questions for God's sake, I don't know what more you would want

Evidently.

I really hope the social ineptitude on this thread reflects the self-selecting nature of an internet forum rather than wider society! If it’s the latter, we’re fucked.

Treat it like a game of tennis.

How do you know Steve?

We joined Microsoft the same week. We've known each other for a few years now. How about you?

We met at university. So a long time now.

Did you also study software engineering?

Yeah. Do you work in the field?

Why? Does he have less of a right to attend just because he's not the most sociable/ talkative person? Should all introverts just stay inside and become even more insular? Don't be ridiculous.

Maybe he has social anxiety and it took him a lot to even go to the event in the first place, but he plucked up courage because he cares about his friend. Maybe he just hates social occasions but he really wanted to go and celebrate his friend.

If you meet someone that clearly isn't enjoying your company you just go and talk to someone else, you don't keep firing questions at them - that shows a complete lack of social awareness and OP is actually being just as rude/ ruder by not picking up on his cues that he doesn't want to chat.