To think of you're going to answer questions with "yeah.." or "no...." At a social event, then fuck offfff

[fanaticalfairy]

Why bother coming out to meet people if you can't even engage in basic conversations with people who are all there to get to know each other?
We were out for a birthday brunch this morning with about 20 people, some we knew, some we didn't as it was for a mutual friend (Graham)
Me .. spying someone unfamiliar at our table..."hi, I'm Fairy, what's your name?
Him: "John "
Me: "great. How you know Graham "
John: " through a friend, Steve"
Me: "oh, yes I know Steve, he's lovely, how do you know Steve?
John" work'
Me: "So, what do you do with Steve?"
John: "Software engineer"
Me: "great what kind of thing? Im a software engineer too..."
John: "Nothing interesting....'
Me: "Oh... Ok. So ... Got any holidays booked?"
John: "No."Tumble weed

"Ok, lovely to meet you ... I'll go and see Graham is okay "

Ugh

Op maybe he has social anxiety, on autism spectrum, or maybe you are just dull

I would find your line of small talk dull and back out of it asap too

“What do you do?”
”Software engineer”
”say no more John 😉 “

😂

Hi, how do you know John?

STOP TRYING TO NETWORK WITH ME!

Over the past few years, I notice people barely ask any questions at social events. Even with friends, more often it’s just me asking questions to try to get conversations going. People never ask me questions. People are increasingly introspected.

How do you begin a conversation with someone you don’t know? Straight in there with moral philosophy and ethics?

To be fair we don’t know that he’s very friendly with the birthday boy based on the OPs post - he’s a work colleague of Steve a friend of Graham - very possible it was a ‘come out for drinks on Sat - remember my friend Graham it’s his birthday - might be fun”

I have some very dear friends who are a little similar, and I appreciate them in the same way your friends do you. But I won't lie, it does increase the level of work and stress as a host as I want everyone to have a good time and don't want any of my guests to feel either snubbed, excluded or lonely.

Like I said upthread, none of this stuff comes naturally to me but I know how social situations work, that I was naturally very bad at them and found them stressful, and I totally clocked that my hosts were having to spend more time on/with me than others. It took a lot of work and uncomfortable effort and sometimes it didn't go well. But ultimately - if I'm going to a gathering it's because I genuinely like the host and I want them to have a great time at their event. And if that means I have had to put in a whole lot more effort over the years to learn how to grease the conversational wheels )and even though it's easier now it's still sometimes stressful and an effort), it's an effort I'm willing to make to try to make sure that the events work well for people I like.

How was he draining?

The poor bloke was just trying to tuck into his brunch, before Miss Marple sat down 🤷‍♂️

We have people who join our walking group , especially at this time of year, who join because they want to be more sociable. Some of them are understandably shy at the start and warm up as we go along. Some just don't give anything .If a perfectly pleasant person asks you a question and all you can offer is "yes", "no" ," no I dont" repeatedly when a variety of people have tried to engage you in conversation then the problem is with you not the group. Sometimes , in the outside world, you have to engage with other people whether you like it or not. If it's a social event and you hate those, then just do other people a favour and stay at home. Makes life easier for you and also for the , equally nervous, other person who might make the mistake of trying to socialise with you at a ....social event.

Well, if I'm invited to a party, I go to support the party person. They've invited me because they want me there, as part of their event.

I don't go because I want to talk to random strangers, and I disagree with the pp who say "don't go to parties of you don't want to talk to strangers". I don't want to be interrogated by people I've never met before, whom I'm unlikely ever to see again and who I really don't give a shit about anyway.

I'll pick out someone I know and stick with them. I might chat to someone unknown if they're in a group of folk when I know the rest of the group....in which case my conversation will be much more general and not like a series of personal questions fired off without preamble.

Amazed at the hostility towards anyone being averagely friendly.
I’m friendly. Often attend things on my own as I am single. Often start conversations with anyone else on their own. I think it’s pretty apparent when someone wants to be left alone so don’t push it but I refuse to sit silently in case I offend someone.

I was in a walking group once and one day only one other person turned up. The group was set up for people to meet other people and get some exercise. Usually half a dozen of us and lots of chat.

The other woman was always pretty quiet from my memory of her but as it was just me and her I persevered. Chat about the area, what we’d been up to that day, things I saw along the walk. Asked polite and open questions. Monosyllabic responses.Painful.

I thought OK I will stop talking! She’s obviously not enjoying it. So I did. I was the last one to talk. We walked in complete silence for about half an hour. Then I just said ‘bye Sue’. She said ‘Bye’.

When I next saw the group organiser she said Sue wanted her to ask me if she had upset me as I didn’t talk to her! Can’t win. Do some people see more sociable people as responsible for everything? So they can sit quietly observing and making no effort and feel superior?

Basic social courtesies are just that. Introducing yourself to people and opening conversations. What is wrong with people?!

I do slightly despair at the idea that asking someone “so what do you do for work?” is considered intrusive and over bearing. I’m not sure how people function in the outside world if they read so much malice and negativity into something so innocuous.

Well the simple answer is that many don't. Many think every social interaction is unwanted and rude. It's rude to knock unannounced on someone's door. Rude to facetime without texting first. Rude to strike up conversation with a stranger under any circumstances. Rude to talk about anything other than the weather.

The late Queen seemed to ask "And what do you do..." an awful lot. Rude old bat. How dare she speak to people she didn't know. 🙄

These are fairly generic ice-breaker questions and are ways of exploring things people might have in common and opening up conversations.
Going straight in there with asking someone’s stance on Syria or view on trans rights could be seen as controversial.

(And equally with those of my very reserved friends who hate social gatherings with lots of strangers, I make it very clear what sort of gathering it would be and try to offer alternatives that they'd actually enjoy.)

I'm starting to realise just how lucky I am in my group of friends, especially in how they protect.me from people like the op.

Oh and some of you are just reinforcing my idea that its not worth me making the effort to attend a lot of events. I'm just going to have people think I'm rude, because I don't fit in with their idea of how people are supposed to be.

@fanaticalfairy Yanbu, social events generally mean social chit chat. My personal hate is when you ask the man ( it’s always a man) sitting next to you about himself and he tells you in great detail and doesn’t ask a single question back. Usually bankers.

I have learned the art of silence in this situation and can hold out.

I hope you had a great time anyway. Who knows why John was so monosyllabic,some people just aren’t the chatty type.

I’m not a great conversationalist, particularly small talk amongst strangers but I do engage and chat best I can.
I find conversation openers with ‘ what do you do ‘ deathly boring.
I never ask anyone what they do for a living and don’t overly engage with anytime asking me about my job, even though it’s a fairly standard conversation opener, because truth be told, I really don’t care and don’t find it a particularly interesting topic of conversation.

and never answers their front door!

Just go and talk to someone else??
Wtf do you think anyone owes you their life story just to attend an event?
Horrific.
Not everyone has great social skills. Not everyone wants to share details of their life with a stranger. Not everyone wants to chat to you.
How nasty to suggest they shouldn't go to things just because they aren't entertaining enough for you.
It's you who are the one who shouldn't go anywhere if you get this pissed off when people aren't particularly receptive to chatting.

I'm very introverted, so you're never going to get an amazing conversation from me the first time you meet me. I don't think your conversation was an interrogation. As you're both software engineers, that was a good point at which he could have expanded the conversation, even if it was basically just throwing the question back at you and getting you to talk about your work.

I was guilty of doing the one word answer thing a lot as an awkward teenager/early twenties, as I was still learning how to make small talk with strangers. If I'd never put myself out there, then I'd never have developed any social skills. I'm sure many people have met me and found me rude for not being particularly talkative.

I agree. I have zero social anxiety and I can talk your ear off, but I absolutely hate when a stranger corners me and starts asking rapid-fire personal questions, totally ignoring my discomfort. No, just no. I don't know you at all. Why would I want to tell you where I work, where I live, how many children I have and where they go to school? If you want to engage in small talk with a stranger, start by talking about the food or something else non-personal.

Absolutely. I think the people thinking OP is the problem are very odd indeed.

For future reference, when faced with a person like this, I will often make general jokes and witter away for a bit rather than just walking away. Something about how difficult it must be to have a birthday at this time of year, impressed that so many people still had some social battery left etc etc. All very inane but it keeps the social world revolving.

Even if I find a question deathly boring, or I’m feeling socially anxious, I still try to answer it in a friendly way. Because maybe the person asking it feels anxious too, and is just trying to make polite conversation as well.

The art of conversation is such an important adult skill but I get it, networking is hard!!

A tip for the introverts, turn it back on to the extrovert, they love talking about themselves, a couple of reciprocal questions and you won’t have to contribute much more.

@fanaticalfairy so what was his body language like when you approached him? Did he smile, make eye contact, indicate the conversation was welcome?

Did you offer more to the conversation than a series of questions?