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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For being nervous about dating a someone in police ?

115 replies

Lou9453 · 31/12/2024 12:56

I am in the early stages of dating someone in the police. They were adopted and exposed to abuse. Iv woken up today feeling anxious , we haven’t met yet but knowing he has seen lot in personal and work life, I don’t know if that’s going to mean a hell of a rollercoaster dating wise. He’s never introduced anyone to his mum and keeps it quiet from friends, not been on holiday with gf or had anything long term. I don’t judge but I feel bit uncertain ?

OP posts:
SaffronsMadAboutMe · 31/12/2024 12:57

Well what would there be to 'judge'? 😳

If you're worrying before you've even dated him, then I really wouldn't bother.

Dating is supposed to be fun.

solopanda · 31/12/2024 12:58

How do you know so much about someone you haven't even met?

Gustywindup · 31/12/2024 12:58

How can you be dating someone you haven’t met? You don’t even know him. The whole backstory could be BS.

arethereanyleftatall · 31/12/2024 12:59
  1. You're not dating someone if you haven't met them yet.
  2. Unless you're both 18, that's all very strange.
  3. Abusers are well known to overshare made up stuff. Why would he tell all that ro someone he's never met?!? Huge red flag.
  4. Policemen are notorious for being misogynists.
HPandthelastwish · 31/12/2024 13:00

Personally I wouldnt date someone who has that career or history. He may well be the loveliest man on earth but it sounds like inviting alot of drama into your life.

Out of interest are you in any way vulnerable? Care leaver / experience of own abuse as a child or in relationships / poor mental health?

Gustywindup · 31/12/2024 13:00

Just to add, if you are having second thoughts at this early stage just back out. Your spider senses are telling you something is very wrong.

LuckysDadsHat · 31/12/2024 13:00

I wouldn't date anyone in the police. I don't trust them at all.

Original poster
Lou9453 · 31/12/2024 13:01

Okay talking to him then All this info he has shared with me because I have asked questions about him & he mentioned his past so he has shared .

OP posts:
AnnunciataM · 31/12/2024 13:05

Sorry OP but you're not "in the early stages of dating someone in the police". You've been chatting online (and perhaps on the phone) to someone who claims to be in the police, and has shared an awful lot with a woman they've never met.

If it's already causing you this much anxiety I'd just block and move on. Life's too short for this kind of drama this early on.

MermaidEyes · 31/12/2024 13:05

LuckysDadsHat · 31/12/2024 13:00

I wouldn't date anyone in the police. I don't trust them at all.

I wouldn't date a politician. I don't trust them at all.

DivineHour · 31/12/2024 13:06

AnnunciataM · 31/12/2024 13:05

Sorry OP but you're not "in the early stages of dating someone in the police". You've been chatting online (and perhaps on the phone) to someone who claims to be in the police, and has shared an awful lot with a woman they've never met.

If it's already causing you this much anxiety I'd just block and move on. Life's too short for this kind of drama this early on.

Exactly.

AnnunciataM · 31/12/2024 13:06

Sorry, posted before I saw your update. But my advice still stands.

arethereanyleftatall · 31/12/2024 13:06

Lou9453 · 31/12/2024 13:01

Okay talking to him then All this info he has shared with me because I have asked questions about him & he mentioned his past so he has shared .

Ok op. No mentally well person shares this alleged history with a complete stranger.

StrawberryWater · 31/12/2024 13:07

Having dated a police officer I would never in a million years date another one. Even if we were the last two people in the world I wouldn't touch a police officer.

The one I dated was a complete and utter ARSEHOLE on a massive ego trip, arrogant and extremely rude not to mention he treated me like shit (went to a restaurant and completely ignored me unless it was to tut or sigh, chatted up the waitress though, or talk about himself) and then afterwards was like 'so can I come back to yours then or what?' Um no dickhead. He also thought it was cool to admit he liked to treat the general public like dirt when he was in his uniform and admitted to getting punches in after arresting people when they had handcuffs on and couldn't defend themselves.

Yeah, never again. Bloody psycho.

Over40Overdating · 31/12/2024 13:07

If you haven’t met him you are not dating. You are talking to a stranger.

Without having met, you already knew intimate details of his life - ask yourself why someone would disclose childhood abuse to someone they’ve never met.

You already know dating him would be a rollercoaster before you’ve spent a minute in his company.

You know he doesn’t introduce girlfriends to family or friends without having even gone on a date, much less established a relationship.

You are being groomed to accept some serious shit from this man before you’ve even set on eyes him.

Your anxiety is a sign you know he’s dodgy.
End things, block and work on having better boundaries with strangers online.

And for what it’s worth, my most abusive relationship was with a very senior, highly decorated police officer who uses that as a way to get people to trust him before he unleashes extreme domestic abuse. And he gets away with it because of who he is, despite all the vows from the police commission to root out the rotten apples.

HPandthelastwish · 31/12/2024 13:08

Why post two threads in the same hour, you aren't going to get different responses here.

No one is hoping to say "sure, go ahead you'll have a great relationship" with so many potential red flags

Snowmanscarf · 31/12/2024 13:09

He’s just a person, who’s a policeman. If he’s seen and done a lot, he may be an interesting person to date.

“He’s never introduced anyone to his mum and keeps it quiet from friends, not been on holiday with gf or had anything long term.”

That’s more concerning, unless really young, (and its irrelevant to the job he does. )

babbi · 31/12/2024 13:13

Trust your gut , it’s telling you to run .
DONT get involved with this man .

I married , (and divorced) a police officer .
Very bossy and a bit of misogynistic but in no way was he at the level of the men @StrawberryWater @Over40Overdating describe , though I VERY WELL recognise their descriptions from many of his colleagues over the years .

Please close this down now and take care of yourself .

Agapornis · 31/12/2024 13:13

Sounds like a fantasist who is setting expectations. This might go on for weeks or months before you even meet. You should listen to/watch Sweet Bobby.

Original poster
Lou9453 · 31/12/2024 13:16

HPandthelastwish · 31/12/2024 13:00

Personally I wouldnt date someone who has that career or history. He may well be the loveliest man on earth but it sounds like inviting alot of drama into your life.

Out of interest are you in any way vulnerable? Care leaver / experience of own abuse as a child or in relationships / poor mental health?

Edited

I am none of those things , It is just the world if internet dating where It’s hard to see who is real or not and sometimes posting on these groups can help affirm your guts not off

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 31/12/2024 13:17

Whenever there is a thread on mumsnet on 'which profession would you never date'
It's 80-90% 'policemen'
With hugely high numbers of posters detailing horrific misogyny.

Avoid like the plague.

Leafy74 · 31/12/2024 13:19

StrawberryWater · 31/12/2024 13:07

Having dated a police officer I would never in a million years date another one. Even if we were the last two people in the world I wouldn't touch a police officer.

The one I dated was a complete and utter ARSEHOLE on a massive ego trip, arrogant and extremely rude not to mention he treated me like shit (went to a restaurant and completely ignored me unless it was to tut or sigh, chatted up the waitress though, or talk about himself) and then afterwards was like 'so can I come back to yours then or what?' Um no dickhead. He also thought it was cool to admit he liked to treat the general public like dirt when he was in his uniform and admitted to getting punches in after arresting people when they had handcuffs on and couldn't defend themselves.

Yeah, never again. Bloody psycho.

I wouldn't date anybody who referred to their ex as a bloody psycho.

Massive red flag.

JHound · 31/12/2024 13:20

Lou9453 · 31/12/2024 12:56

I am in the early stages of dating someone in the police. They were adopted and exposed to abuse. Iv woken up today feeling anxious , we haven’t met yet but knowing he has seen lot in personal and work life, I don’t know if that’s going to mean a hell of a rollercoaster dating wise. He’s never introduced anyone to his mum and keeps it quiet from friends, not been on holiday with gf or had anything long term. I don’t judge but I feel bit uncertain ?

Nothing wrong with being uncertain at all. Personally I don’t hate men in the police force full stop and once ended it when I discovered that’s what a guy I had been on a few dates with, did for a living.

We all get to have our personal dating boundaries for whatever reason.

quoque · 31/12/2024 13:23

With the greatest of respect to anybody who is married to an absolutely lovely, gentle and kind police officer, they have a reputation for misogyny and abuse.

If you are getting red flags from this man before you have EVEN MET, then you shouldn't need support from randomers on the internet to trust your gut and stop messaging him. Your instincts are not letting you down here. Walk away.

Turophilic · 31/12/2024 13:27

Don’t date a cop.

I’m sure there are wonderful, caring and compassionate police officers out there who make great partners. I am honestly happy for anyone who is with someone Lije that.

But as a cohort? Hell no.