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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For being nervous about dating a someone in police ?

115 replies

Lou9453 · 31/12/2024 12:56

I am in the early stages of dating someone in the police. They were adopted and exposed to abuse. Iv woken up today feeling anxious , we haven’t met yet but knowing he has seen lot in personal and work life, I don’t know if that’s going to mean a hell of a rollercoaster dating wise. He’s never introduced anyone to his mum and keeps it quiet from friends, not been on holiday with gf or had anything long term. I don’t judge but I feel bit uncertain ?

OP posts:
MagpiePi · 31/12/2024 13:30

One of my best friends is married to a retired policeman and he is friends with lots of ex-policemen and women, my next door neighbour is a retired policeman and I briefly dated a policeman, who had worked at the Met. You couldn't ask to meet a nicer, gentler bunch of men.
This guy you are talking to sounds like a bullshitting fantasist.
🚩

Snowmanscarf · 31/12/2024 13:30

But are your concerns because he’s a policeman, or Because he hasn’t had a long term gf etc? Two different issues? The second half of the op could apply to any shy, private person, in any profession.

Marchweshall · 31/12/2024 13:30

StrawberryWater · 31/12/2024 13:07

Having dated a police officer I would never in a million years date another one. Even if we were the last two people in the world I wouldn't touch a police officer.

The one I dated was a complete and utter ARSEHOLE on a massive ego trip, arrogant and extremely rude not to mention he treated me like shit (went to a restaurant and completely ignored me unless it was to tut or sigh, chatted up the waitress though, or talk about himself) and then afterwards was like 'so can I come back to yours then or what?' Um no dickhead. He also thought it was cool to admit he liked to treat the general public like dirt when he was in his uniform and admitted to getting punches in after arresting people when they had handcuffs on and couldn't defend themselves.

Yeah, never again. Bloody psycho.

Conversely I’ve been married to a Police Officer for nearly 30 years. He’s the best man I know. Just thought I’d offer a little balance.

lifeisforlaying · 31/12/2024 13:31

I was a Police Officer for years (retired early) and the common misconception is that Officers aren't normal people or are a certain type. This is nonsense, everyone is different, there are dodgy ones but also some of the most kind, considerate and trustworthy people I've ever met. I think your issue is less to do with his job and more about him as a person. Maybe meet him, see how you get on in person and go from there.

TheFormidableMrsC · 31/12/2024 13:33

If run a mile from a copper. Absolutely not.

TheFormidableMrsC · 31/12/2024 13:33

"I'd" 🙄

ginasevern · 31/12/2024 13:33

LuckysDadsHat · 31/12/2024 13:00

I wouldn't date anyone in the police. I don't trust them at all.

Nor do I. Every bloody week there's at least one copper in the news being sacked or disciplined over sexual assault and other vile stuff. The whole force must be rife with "bad apples".

CleanShirt · 31/12/2024 13:33

I'm a police officer, who married a police officer, who had an affair with another police officer and left me. And it's not an uncommon thing. Don't do it.

AccidentallyWesAnderson · 31/12/2024 13:37

I'm in the police, my partner is in the police so I'm going to be a bit defensive 🙂. He's wonderful and not a misogynist.

For me, the problem isn't 'the police', it's men. Especially in roles where there is an element of power. I have lovely male colleagues, I have twatty male colleagues. I hate when people say 'the police' like it's one big homogenous UK group. If you dated an arsehole doctor would you say 'I'd never date a doctor again'.

TorroFerney · 31/12/2024 13:39

Marchweshall · 31/12/2024 13:30

Conversely I’ve been married to a Police Officer for nearly 30 years. He’s the best man I know. Just thought I’d offer a little balance.

Show quote history

Snap. Well slightly less, together 28 years. I am sure it attracts a type and husband who was an inspector used to be more bothered about staff issues than criminals as they were always getting involved getting divorced etc.

I think it depends on your motivation for joining, I’m sure some feel disempowered in real life and use the job as a power trip but it’s not a particularly good job in terms of pay, was good once for the pension and commutation but no longer.

but back to the op, if he said anything else about being in the police than he’s in the police then yes red flag. My husband never told anyone what he did, he’d say civil servant if asked but I know some see it as their whole identity. Odd.

the trauma dumping though about the abuse is too much at this stage I’d suggest. Is he doing it so when he’s an abusive twat he can say I told you I was damaged?

AlwaysPerplexed · 31/12/2024 13:39

Oh goodness, yet another 'knock a copper ' thread.

For all of those who have met an obnoxious man who just happen to be a policeman, there will be an equal number of people who know/are married to lovely men, who just happen to be a policeman.

Make of that what you will.

And yes I know a lovely lovely man, my son-in-law, treats my daughter with love and care and who just happens to be a policeman.

PleaseStopEatingMyStuff · 31/12/2024 13:42

Nope. Sorry. Red flags all over that one. I'd move on.

KnewYearKnewMe · 31/12/2024 13:46

OP - please be more careful about what you take as fact, and how invested you get,

This is an awful lot to 'know' about someone who is sharing anonymous messages with you. Please be careful about what you share back.

GiveMeChocolate887 · 31/12/2024 13:46

It's not the job, my BIL is a policeman and lovely man, but everything else you mention about him that is a red flag. That's a lot of issues being revealed before you've even met. Why??

A girlfriend is not a therapist. You don't go out dating to find someone to dump all your problems on. Don't fall into that role.

Sossijiz · 31/12/2024 13:47

Oversharing is a red flag, whether he is a police officer or not.

devilspawn · 31/12/2024 13:51

AlwaysPerplexed · 31/12/2024 13:39

Oh goodness, yet another 'knock a copper ' thread.

For all of those who have met an obnoxious man who just happen to be a policeman, there will be an equal number of people who know/are married to lovely men, who just happen to be a policeman.

Make of that what you will.

And yes I know a lovely lovely man, my son-in-law, treats my daughter with love and care and who just happens to be a policeman.

And you don't worry he's going to get a life threatening injury or die on the job?

Coulddowithanap · 31/12/2024 13:51

I wouldn't worried about him being a police officer. But the over sharing before you have even met is a bit odd. If you are worried now then trust your gut and don't meet this guy.

Just to add, I'm married to a police officer and he's wonderful.

2024riot · 31/12/2024 13:53

@TorroFerney sorry can you explain what you mean about him talking about the police being a red flag

Pancakeflipper · 31/12/2024 13:54

Think there's 2 issues here for you;

Him (I've red flags waving at the description he's given you about himself - are you sure you need this in your life?)

Being in the police. Why is that an issue gor you? Lots of police officers date, often with each other (lots of affairs in police culture).

tolerable · 31/12/2024 13:54

"someone in the police"-what role?can yu verify that??
makes n difference- is ALOT of personal details- very redflag.
Yu arent obliged t meet him,ALWYS trust your gut

arethereanyleftatall · 31/12/2024 13:55

It's lovely to hear that so many of you know some lovely policemen. Can any of them do anything about the rife misogyny?

shuggles · 31/12/2024 13:59

@Lou9453 He’s never introduced anyone to his mum and keeps it quiet from friends, not been on holiday with gf or had anything long term.

All of this is true for me also, and many other people. Why do you think this is strange or noteworthy?

Combattingthemoaners · 31/12/2024 14:00

AccidentallyWesAnderson · 31/12/2024 13:37

I'm in the police, my partner is in the police so I'm going to be a bit defensive 🙂. He's wonderful and not a misogynist.

For me, the problem isn't 'the police', it's men. Especially in roles where there is an element of power. I have lovely male colleagues, I have twatty male colleagues. I hate when people say 'the police' like it's one big homogenous UK group. If you dated an arsehole doctor would you say 'I'd never date a doctor again'.

I do understand your point. Unlike the medical profession though there have been lots of reports and reviews that have proven a canteen culture of misogyny, racism and homophobia across police forces. There will be lots of decent and upstanding police officers but there is also something systemic.

I would stay well clear of this man though. Not necessarily because he is a police officer but because of everything he has disclosed before even meeting him.

Mabelface · 31/12/2024 14:00

Saying he's never introduced anyone to friends and family is setting you up to not question it. Chances are, he's married with kids and wants a nice little bit on the side. I doubt he's even a copper, just a complete fantasist. Your brain is pinging warning signals at you for a reason. Listen to them, shut him down and move on.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 31/12/2024 14:02

You are not ' dating '
you haven't even met yet!!!

you may not like each other when you do meet !

how long have you spent chatting to each other ?
if it's more than a week - get on with it and meet !!!

personally i would stop wasting each others time !