For being nervous about dating a someone in police ?

[Lou9453]

I am in the early stages of dating someone in the police. They were adopted and exposed to abuse. Iv woken up today feeling anxious , we haven’t met yet but knowing he has seen lot in personal and work life, I don’t know if that’s going to mean a hell of a rollercoaster dating wise. He’s never introduced anyone to his mum and keeps it quiet from friends, not been on holiday with gf or had anything long term. I don’t judge but I feel bit uncertain ?

I dated a policeman for about 6 months in total. He was a very intelligent guy who I think would be very interesting if he were not so closed off.

Just my observations-

We met on a dating site and he never put his job on his profile.

He liked a drink. He had lots of drink stashed under his bed. Was he an alcoholic - I don't think so but hard to say when you don't live together.

Once I got keen on him he didn't treat me very well. Made no effort to arrange dates and was lazy in bed

Even on our first date when he made a huge effort he showed signs of being moody (he was)

He suffered from depression due alot to his job. The rotating shifts were brutal and impacted his health alot.

I believe he was honest as I asked a couple of questions and got very honest answers that I didn't like

Some of the things he said sounded like what a bloke would have said in the seventies or eighties (don't worry your pretty little head about it!)

Our first time doing sexual stuff he wouldn't take no for an answer and kept trying to push me into more.

I made assumptions on the kind of person he would be based on his job - I was wrong to do this.

When we were out in pubs or for dinner he was constantly looking around and checking his phone. Couldn't figure out if he had another girlfriend or was keeping an eye out for criminals. Either way it made me feel shit.

I broke up with him twice and dipped my toe back in a 3rd time when he started being moody again and so date 2 was the last one.

He was very cheap and constantly tried to pay out as little as possible (except first few dates when I got flowers, chocolates etc)

When we were not dating he contacted me regularly. I assumed he was single but it turns out he was in a two year relationship. So that did not reflect well on him (and I assume he was doing same when dating me)

He brought up subjects which just put me right off him - 'why was german porn the best'. I just didn't want to hear this stuff from him (or anyman, seriously stop talking about your porn preferences guys)

Hard to say if he was a decent guy gone moody/depressed/cynical from job or if that was just who he was.

The job was without doubt dangerous. He had to talk down an armed man holding his partner hostage as there was a big delay waiting for the armed police to get there. He was as high as a kite that night from the adrenalin.

He had to spend some time back in uniform before he could get promoted to next grade. The shit he had to deal with in the city he lived on Friday and Saturday nights was incredible and not for the faint hearted.

Would I date a policeman again - well I don't date anymore (old now) but yes I would but with more caution and not make assumptions about his character based on his job.

I do think they have a very difficult job.

I have been married to a who has climbed through the ranks of LE our entire adult lives. He is now in federal LE. Being the partner of an officer/lieutenant/Captain is not for the faint of heart. The first concern for me is their personal safety. The second is that, in our case, women are sometimes quite clear about their interest in him. Its really a thing. I didn't believe it when we first got together but the number of marriages I have seen fall apart is really sad.

So why are you quoting American statistics.

I wasn't quoting any statistics but ignore the other two UK- related articles if you will.

Why on earth would you consider dating someone who spills his life struggles before you even meet him?
I'd be running in the opposite direction.

Because it isn't different to the UK, we have the same problem here it's just recent studies have focused more on the after when it is reported. Ask any therapist of person who works in a shelter for victims, they will tell you they have 0 surprise when told the abuser was in the police.

The links I provided included statists for the uk, one being that about 40% of families of police officers report experiencing DV however that is only the reported numbers.
Some other specific numbers from the articles I quoted are:

Prevalence of Allegations:

Over a three-year period, 1,319 police officers and staff were reported for alleged domestic abuse across 41 UK police forces. Of these, 1,080 individuals remained in their positions, indicating that approximately 80% of those accused retained their jobs. Only 36 officers and staff (2.7% of those reported) were dismissed, while 203 either resigned, retired, or left for other reasons.

In the Metropolitan Police Service, 398 domestic abuse reports were made against serving officers and staff over a three-year period. Of these, nine individuals were dismissed, and 336 continued in their roles.

Conviction Rates:

The conviction rate for police officers and staff accused of domestic abuse is 3.4%, which is lower than the 6.3% conviction rate observed in the general population.

You can also find out more here - https://www.endviolenceagainstwomen.org.uk/inspectorates-highlight-systemic-deficiencies-in-response-to-police-perpetrated-abuse/

What's wrong with dating someone in 'that' profession pray enlighten me?

I am retired from 'that' profession and I was very successful in dating until I married.

Are we somehow pariahs because we deal with the things you can't deal with or don't want to? Because we run towards danger to protect life and property whilst you're bolting in the opposite direction?

So you just deal with crimes committed against you, friends or family, yourself? Or do you call those untrustworthy lot ?

This. My brother-in-law (my brother’s husband - yes, police men can even be gay) is a police officer and the loveliest man. I’ve also met many of his (mostly male, straight) colleagues who were all lovely. I’m sure there are arsehole police officers, but why assume they’re all arseholes?!

Hello OP! It sounds like you haven't actually met this guy yet? So you're not really "dating", right?!

Why don't you meet up and see how it goes? It's so easy to develop a fantasy (positive or negative) in your head about what someone's like when you haven't met them yet. There's really no way to know until you actually get to know them, in real life.

That said...

If you're not up for being with someone who has been adopted and exposed to abuse, then it's probably best for you both if you knock it on the head. People who've been adopted and/or abused are wildly different; there's no one size fits all for either of those experiences. But if you're doubting your ability to cope with it before even meeting him, that suggests a lack of coping mechanisms that you might need in this situation, maybe?

You say he's never introduced anyone to his mum, and he's never been on holiday with a gf or had a LTR. How old is he? Those things would be more of a red flag for me, personally - but we're all different!

When you say he "keeps it quiet from friends" - do you mean he keeps you quiet from friends, specifically? Or relationships in general? That's a bit weird / immature, too...

Personally, I've been with my partner for over a decade, and she's been through the most heinous abuse imaginable. Imagine the worst you've heard, and multiply it by 10. But I sure as fuck would not date a copper, because, well, they're largely misogynist, racist cunts?! But that's quite a niche perspective maybe, and certainly not the one you're looking for lol

I'd never date a copper, for so many reasons.

This has probably been said but there are a lot of people 'in the police' who are not police officers. I was 'in the police' but in a civilian role, not a uniformed one. So is it just police officers you have to avoid or anyone currently working there regardless of role?

But police officers are normal people. Some are arseholes, some are great. The thing that would put me off is in the insane hours some of them do when they reach a higher rank. Some of them were in before 7 and still there at 11pm. Many of them were divorcees, I suspect due to the lack of work/life balance. Really nice guys but absolutely married to the job.

why have you started another post on this?

I wouldn't bother calling them over most crimes. It's not like they solve most of them. I would just call 101 and ask for the crime reference number and state I don't want any officers out. You need the reference for any insurance claim, so that's all I would bother with.

I have given up all trust and hope in the police force. Vehicle crime, shoplifting, burglary, assault, ASB etc..... locally they are very poorly solved even when you have video footage. ASB is getting worse and worse locally and the people committing it know they won't have any comeuppance.

@StrawberryWater Does his name begin with M? He sounds identical to my ex.

OP never get involved with a policeman, fifteen years on and it’s probably the biggest regret of my life.