Cancelled NYE plans - who is BU?

[GenerationAlphabet]

Deliberately trying to be vague/neutral so I can sense check this without all the backstory.

Fairly new couple, X & Y have plans to spend NYE together at one of their homes. Both are very busy so they see each other around once or twice a month usually. X has developed a moderate cold so Y cancelled the plans. X is annoyed because Y is getting over a cold anyway and upset because they will be spending NYE alone. Y doesn’t want to risk catching another cold because they’ve already had a couple over the last month.

Who, if anyone, is BU?

A new couple should be in the honeymoon phase and wouldn't let a minor cold get in the way of a night together.

I am generally in the “Y is a wuss” camp but you know, my husband had a nasty cough/cold most of December, still coughing over Christmas and now we’ve both picked up another one and it’s quite un fun. If we had plans next weekend and our hosts said they had a cold then we would cancel at this stage. We’re over it, we’re tired and it’s a long time until our next holiday, we can do without being ill again.

Also given that it’s a couple who see each other twice a month I would assume that usually a shag happens. Depending on who has the cold the other party might not really fancy a snotty bonk and it’s easier to just not go than to say “no thanks, I don’t fancy shagging someone with a cold”.

It looks like they are not young - of course they should be looking after their health, not passing on germs!

I think if you're going to end the relationship, I think most people deserve something rather than a block and delete. Friendship or relationship . Most people want an "end" rather than being left with a wtf. I think it's the adult thing to do. I know it's not always possible and I know maybe you don't feel like it, but for me, that's how I would always want to conduct myself. Even if it were a one sentence, "this isnt working for me anymore. We've come to the end of our chapter. All the best 👍 ". Even if you don't mean it.

Hi Y. Not gonna lie I’m a bit miffed about NYE but I’ve been thinking a lot about how things are going and I’m not really seeing a strong future in us as a couple. Have a great time tomorrow night and let’s both start the new year afresh! Love X.

Just read your update. Leaving you on your own for a termination is pretty shit, I do think the backstory is important. I get the POV of not wanting to be unwell but he’s got form for not caring for you. Start as you mean to go on indeed.

I’ve had colds and Covid one after the other since the end of September and it’s really worn me down. The last cold started nearly a fortnight ago, I had to have two days off work and I’m still coughing all the time and finding it hard to sleep as a result. My temperature is still up and down and the glands in my neck are swollen and I’m exhausted all the time. I’m
certainly doing what I can to avoid catching another one and would cancel social plans if need be.

That said, OP, it does sound like the relationship has run its course.

Y wants to do something more exciting than staying in with X who as they feel rubbish, won't have the best night.

And they're really not a 'couple' if they only see each other once or twice a month!

I wouldn't want to see someone with a heavy cold , and wouldn't go out if I was ill either

I've a cold starting. I plan to spend NYE in bed sleeping it off. Can't imagine wanting to be social

In a hypothetical scenario (not OP) —

Is rushing round with soup and tissues and cuddles showing your new beloved how thoughtful and caring you how are, how devoted you will be to their health and wellbeing, even unto potential infection/death?

Or are you love-bombing someone when they are incapacitated and vulnerable, deliberately setting out to manipulate them when they are least able to make good decisions for themself?

Could argue for either.

It is worth considering the extent to which an unhealthy and disempowering dependency has infiltrated every aspect of our social norms, especially those supposedly 'romantic' rituals that we are supposed to treasure the most. Half of them are giant red flags.

Avoiding infection shows pragmatism and intelligence, plus a respect for individual agency and the importance of wholehearted full-capacity consent. Rushing around with carefully chosen supplies shows practicality and a willingness to inconvenience oneself to serve others.

The optimum gesture would be dropping off homemade soup and something to entertain, at the door, then retreating and only connecting via letter/voice or video call/gaming until everyone is healthy again.

I don't really believe in "just a cold" anymore.

The last two I picked up from other people floored me, and I think were actually flu. I haven't felt that miserable in a long time. I'm talking couldn't stand, couldn't move, couldn't eat, killer headache, fever, chills... the works.

I'm not sure if my immune system has been shot since lockdown or if there are just worse bugs circulating, but I would be avoiding someone with any cold/flu symptoms, thank you. Just look at how many people have been hospitalised for flu this winter season...

Plus, if he's the type to 'always get ill', chances are your heavy cold will be worse when he gets it. I understand why you're frustrated, but I don't think it's because of him not wanting to get sick. I think it's because of everything as a whole.

Maybe attitude to common illnesses should be considered in relationship compatibility. In a new (or rekindled, in this situation) relationship situation, I wouldn't choose to be with someone who couldn't deal with a cold.

If there were genuine medical reasons it wouldn't be an issue in an established relationship.

I'd steer well fucking clear of another cold right now. This past week is the first time I've felt and sounded human in six weeks.

And it's only NYE. Officially the lamest night of the year.

First world problems. 😁

@SoNotMyMonkeys

The one I had just before Christmas was unbelievable.

I went to work on Wednesday with the slightest sniffle that I thought was just a dust allergy as I’d done a deep clean the night before.

By that night I was a soggy wheezy mess and in an absolute state until Sunday evening. Definitely hit harder than most colds.

I feel like Covid really hurt my immune system - I get much more ill now.

@GenerationAlphabet if my ex wasn’t dead I would have thought you were dating him - he’s also left me to deal with a termination by myself and once stood me up on NYE (after making me cancel the plans I already had).

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this - but onwards and upwards!! Block him and off to a great start of 2025 🍾

He left you dealing with a termination on your own?
And you took him back?
That would have been it for me!

Can’t drum up any enthusiasm for this. Are you 12 ?

Could you try and drum up some enthusiasm for reading all of OP's updates before commenting?

Sorry OP he just doesn't sound very invested in your relationship and the fact you only see each other 1-2 times a month makes it doubly hard.

But, having read your update that he let you deal with a termination on your own, I would be starting 2025 without him. He's not worth it and you deserve better.

I think you are over him, regardless of this. Stay dignified and respectful. Ignore the midnight text and text new year's day, or pre empt the new year's text.

He didn’t just leave me to it, he went drinking with friends, apparently because he was finding it difficult 🙄

Overall, he makes me feel unimportant and like an option but he always protests this and says how much he loves me when I say this to him. To be fair to him, his parents were abusive so he is very conflict avoidant. The fact that he’s told me in advance is pretty big for him as he’d usually leave it until the last second in case I’m upset. I’m not an argumentative person anyway so he doesn’t need to do this but I guess that’s his stuff to deal with when he’s ready.

I do find myself making excuses for him though and wondering if I’m listening too closely to his words and not his actions. There’s always plausible deniability because on the face of it, who would want to catch a cold but on the other, it just reinforces the fact that I’m not that important to him. He knows I struggle with NYE for reasons I won’t go into for risk of sharing my whole life on here 😬

There's no way of knowing if it's the same cold. I wouldn't want to risk getting another cold if I were just getting over one! It's only NYE. You can ring in the new year over the phone/laptop. Or just get some sleep to boost your immune system and get together when you're both well again.

I do