Cancelled NYE plans - who is BU?

[GenerationAlphabet]

Deliberately trying to be vague/neutral so I can sense check this without all the backstory.

Fairly new couple, X & Y have plans to spend NYE together at one of their homes. Both are very busy so they see each other around once or twice a month usually. X has developed a moderate cold so Y cancelled the plans. X is annoyed because Y is getting over a cold anyway and upset because they will be spending NYE alone. Y doesn’t want to risk catching another cold because they’ve already had a couple over the last month.

Who, if anyone, is BU?

Thanks so much to those that answered the question. You’ve mostly confirmed what I was thinking. I’m X (woman), he’s Y which was probably obvious.

To answer a couple of questions, the cold is moderate I’d say. I slept a lot the first day or so and now have a runny nose (not snotty or bunged up) and an infrequent cough, so still damn sexy 😆. I’ve cleaned the entire house today to give an idea but would avoid crowds/groups so I don’t pass it on to lots of people. We compared symptoms and agreed that the cold he’s just had sounds very similar. He works in a home for looked after children (teens) so catches everything going and they’ve all just had noro apparently but I didn’t say he couldn’t come. When we discussed it on the phone, he said he would think about it but seemed to be leaning towards coming. I joked that he was waiting to see if he could find a better offer and I think that’s what’s likely happened.

I’d already decided this was the last straw for me but I was cognisant of the fact that it’s his prerogative to want to avoid a cold so wanted to check if this is a valid reason to end the relationship. And if it was just this in isolation, I would have brushed it off as one of those things but of course there’s a whole back story.

We were in a relationship not so long ago but I broke it off earlier this year because he’s let me down on a handful of occasions including leaving me to deal with a termination on my own. It all started to feel disrespectful. I’ve actually been very happy on my own but he asked for another chance saying he’d not been in a good place and as he’s a nice enough guy, I agreed but told him one strike and he’s out.

It actually suits me the casual nature of our current relationship, it was him saying he wanted to progress to something more serious once he’s earned my trust back but he’s fallen at the first hurdle. The saying ‘if he wanted to, he would’ is what I keep coming back to.

Now to decide how to end it. Block and delete or ‘thanks for everything and goodbye’ or ‘you’re such a dick and goodbye’? I know he doesn’t really care so it makes no odds to him but I want to move on in the best way for me.

Forgot to add that he’s in good health but catches a lot of viruses from the kids he works with. He can be a hypochondriac though. He once bruised his knee and convinced himself he had a life threatening condition. I had to talk him out of going to A&E in the early hours of the morning. I was sympathetic and kind about it of course.

He doesn’t know I’m pissed off as I accepted his reasons graciously. We ended the call by wishing each other a good NYE but I need to start the year as I mean to go on.

when I had better health, I would be upset about the cancelation,
but this days when I am constantly ill since middle of November I get it.

i haven't properly recover yet, so my immune system is still weak, and with close exposure to someone ill i would catch it again.

X has done nothing wrong with Y is being ridiculous

I'm so sorry you had to deal with a termination on your own. What a wanker is Y.

I’m not like this with an ordinary cold. Bit snotty. Take paracetamol or lemsip that I manage to get myself. I’m not antisocial to be with.

Catching up on further posts - we live an hour away from each other and he lives in shared accommodation so it makes more sense for him to come to mine. I suspect he’s already made other plans anyway. He did seem to be playing up my symptoms saying ‘what if it’s flu’ but I was clear it was just a moderate cold and we’d discussed/compared symptoms. We’ve exchanged colds previously.

This post has really helped me process what it is that’s bothering me so much and I think it’s because I’ve still not forgiven him for leaving me to go through the termination alone. It was very painful and upsetting but he can’t even brave a cough and runny nose to be there for me. But oh well. I’ve done a lot of work on being more boundaried over the last year so didn’t let myself fall for him until he’d proven himself. I can say with certainty that it’s his loss.

Thanks for update, OP.
Sounds like you've made up your mind for valid reasons.

Personally I would go with 'thanks for everything, good wishes, goodbye'. Then you can look back and feel proud of your conduct, and move on with positivity.

I've read your update. LTB and tell him clearly.

If X and Y lived together then they wouldn't have a choice re catching the illness of the other one. It's not always the case but it happens. I don't understand why you would cancel anything due to a cold of your partner..... I did chuckle as we have 2 DCs and one isn't nursery, other a baby, this house is a permanent sick note and we see people all the time/don't tell them we are ill yet again. It's non stop.

@GenerationAlphabet whomever cancelled plans isn't into the person with the cold. If someone likes you, they will make plans. I say this as someone who was faded out with tales of sickness

In order to move on cleanly, just end things clearly but perfectly pleasantly ‘this isn’t going to work out for us, thanks for everything’ rather than ghosting or ‘you’re a dick’

Sounds like there's no need for any drama. He's a shit for leaving you to cope with a termination alone in the past but you sound like you're under no illusions and are happy enough on your own.

I hope you have a great new year's eve without this wet blanket.

When you say ‘fairly new’ couple I’m guessing less than 18 months into relationship. That’s the honeymoon period; no way a cold would have stopped me or my partner seeing each other at that point.
Someone isn’t in love - possibly both.

I wouldn’t say cancelling plans over a cold is a reason for a break up, but it’s clearly much deeper than that. I ended a relationship because of a situation with a termination and while we still chat from time to time, I can’t forget how terribly he behaved and I just would never trust him in a relationship ever again. Hopefully 2025 will bring you Mr Right. As opposed to Mr Alright For Now.

Would you believe that we’ve only been back together for 6 weeks? 😂

I'd probably go ahead if X is well enough. So would say Y is being unreasonable.

If I was X I'd make other better plans

I’ve read your posts and understand why this is the end for you but I would want to avoid a cold and I know I’m generally seen as pathetic for it, but I suffer badly with them.

The cold I caught from DS absolutely floored me for over a week and I took time off work which is unusual. DH and DS had one shitty day and were fine.

I work in a school and catch everything so avoid that which I can.

He sounds like hard work regardless of this and anyone can end a relationship for any reason, but for me cancelling due to the cold in isolation wouldn’t be a problem.

All these posters who would stay away to avoid catching your cold, presumably aren't married or in a co-habiting relationship (or have kids). That's unlesss they move out when someone in their family has a cold

No, I avoid catching one when I can.

I nurse my children through the usual stuff and clean vomit and wipe noses and apply Vicks but I don’t go to a place I can avoid where people are sick.

And I don’t go and spread my illnesses around either.

Team Y here. The last thing I need in January is a cold. They already are worn down from being ill. X needs to grow the f up.

Somethings up - you should be running into each others arms at this point!

I know, I know(!) I shouldn’t say this but I read the op out to my teens - they fell about saying “gotta be millennials”…. Sorry, in the kindest way possible, whether you are the cold sufferer or recent recoverer you need to get a grip. Colds are sh!t but unless you are immune compromised you should shrug and look on the bright side - another set of antibodies that will see you through!!

Why are you the final authority on how people manage their health?

I’ve just had two cold/covid like illnesses back to back and i very rarely even get ill. It took ages to feel myself again. I don’t blame Y for not wanting to spend time with someone full of a cold that they don’t live with tbh when they’ve already been unwell so recently.

When i get a cold i feel rubbish, grumpy and certainly not sociable for a few days.