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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get married in secret, then forget about it

118 replies

Monster6 · 30/12/2024 17:59

Hi Mumsnetters. ☺️ I’m in a long term stable relationship, with 2 teen kids. We have a joint mortgage, and wills naming each other as the beneficiaries if anything were to happen. Neither of us have ever been particularly interested in getting marriage, but recently I’ve been starting to consider it. We’re both mid 40s. My question is, is it really bad form to just get married, quietly and not tell anyone? I hate fuss. Anyone done similar? I’d like the kids there but honestly that’s it. AIBU?

OP posts:
heldinadream · 30/12/2024 18:01

I did! Hate fuss, just wanted it done. Adult children only mildly miffed for about half an hour. No one else gives a stuff.
Job done. Cost must have been under a hundred (don't actually know but no frills doesn't even begin to describe it!).

Hoppinggreen · 30/12/2024 18:04

Do it!
And if you need witnesses post on here, MNetters do love witnessing a wedding.
I did it once, it was an honour and a priviledge, there was me and my DC (school hols), another Mnetter, The Bride and Groom, their 3 kids and that was all.
It was lovely

weaselpatrol · 30/12/2024 18:04

We are doing exactly this. Don’t plan to tell anyone until after, and even then it won’t be some big announcement.

Original poster
Monster6 · 30/12/2024 18:04

heldinadream · 30/12/2024 18:01

I did! Hate fuss, just wanted it done. Adult children only mildly miffed for about half an hour. No one else gives a stuff.
Job done. Cost must have been under a hundred (don't actually know but no frills doesn't even begin to describe it!).

This is basically the dream. Part of me just feels a bit, I don’t know? Sneaky?

OP posts:
Ilovemyshed · 30/12/2024 18:05

Not a problem at all. Marriage gives you more legal protection so is better but there is absolutely no need for a load of fuss. Just book a registrar and then go and have a nice lunch just the two of you.

emmax1980 · 30/12/2024 18:11

Do what makes you feel comfortable

OrwellianTimes · 30/12/2024 18:14

Just do it. Find a pretty registry office (Bath Guildhall is beautiful) take your kids, grab a couple mumsnetters at witnesses, go for a lovely meal afterwards somewhere really nice.

Endofyear · 30/12/2024 18:15

I think it's fine if it's what you prefer. My BIL and SIL did this and just sent a photo and message to say we got married - they had been together years and two kids, didn't want a fuss! We were pleased for them and sent congratulations 🥰 no drama!

Mrswhatsit40 · 30/12/2024 18:15

I think if your family were decent types they’d just be happy for you and understanding. The last three weddings I know if they’ve eloped with only witnesses present. I think a “proper” wedding is out of reach for most people nowadays.

Needamagicfairy · 30/12/2024 18:17

We are doing this in February, just us and 2 witnesses then a nice lunch. As suggested above we are doing Bath Guildhall

Hensintheskirting · 30/12/2024 18:24

I did this. DH and I had been together for ages, two kids, we got engaged years and years ago but never got around to getting married. It felt daft to have a big do after so long and neither of us like being centre of attention but wanted the legal security - so we had a civil partnership. It was cheap and quick and not romantic but did the job perfectly!!

wwyd2021medicine · 30/12/2024 18:24

A friend did this. Had a civil partnership in local city. No guests but they took their adult DS and then had a meal out afterwards. Done for financial reasons for the long term.

Pamspeople · 30/12/2024 18:25

Go for it, hope you have a lovely day! Nothing sneaky about it, none of anyone's business!

Original poster
Monster6 · 30/12/2024 18:26

Thanks everyone. I’m feeling convinced it’s the right thing to do. Love a Mumsnet straw poll 👏🏻💕

OP posts:
MotherofPearl · 30/12/2024 18:28

We did this in January this year. Deliberately booked a weekday afternoon in January - the very last time of the year most people would choose to get married - and got it done. We had our DC there, plus DH's parents. My own family live abroad so that wasn't an issue. Told the rest of our friends and family as and when really - no announcement. It was wonderfully fuss-free which is exactly what we wanted. Afterwards we had a nice meal out. We've already been together 20+ years and had been put off getting married because we didn't want a proper wedding with all the (for us) mortifying fuss.

Buxomblondie · 30/12/2024 18:29

Go for it!

AngelinaFibres · 30/12/2024 18:30

I wouldn't have cared what sort of wedding my 2 adult sons chose but I would have felt a bit sad that they didn't want me to be there to witness something so special. You don't mention parents in your first post so maybe neither of you have them or maybe they bring drama wherever they go. It's absolutely and completely up to you what wedding you have and , if you can honestly say you wouldn't care if your children do the same one day, then crack on.Good luck with it all xx

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 30/12/2024 18:31

My aunt did it. She made a fb post at a later date just letting family know.
They just wanted to get all the legal stuff sorted in the easiest way after an unpleasant incident in the wider family.

Doggielove · 30/12/2024 18:32

heldinadream · 30/12/2024 18:01

I did! Hate fuss, just wanted it done. Adult children only mildly miffed for about half an hour. No one else gives a stuff.
Job done. Cost must have been under a hundred (don't actually know but no frills doesn't even begin to describe it!).

Same fine here - think it’s was £37 - it was just something we needed to do legally and it before different sex couples could have a civil partnership.

we didn’t treat the witnesses to lunch after

I wouldn't actually say it was unromantic and many people loved the way we did it.

Motheranddaughter · 30/12/2024 18:32

If that's what you want then do it x
Its a legal contract first and foremost x

Elphame · 30/12/2024 18:32

I had clients who did this for tax reasons.

They didn't tell anyone even afterwards. Not even their children!

Doggielove · 30/12/2024 18:32

Doggielove · 30/12/2024 18:32

Same fine here - think it’s was £37 - it was just something we needed to do legally and it before different sex couples could have a civil partnership.

we didn’t treat the witnesses to lunch after

I wouldn't actually say it was unromantic and many people loved the way we did it.

Show quote history

Did treat the witnesses!

happystrummer · 30/12/2024 18:32

Another one who did it that way. Just us two, my son and my sister as witnesses and my sister;s husband. Booked a tiny registry office, came home for home made wedding cake and fizz then off to the pub for a meal. It was honestly perfect.

Augustusjoop · 30/12/2024 18:33

My Dsis did this. I only found out last week that she got married in the summer! She had the wedding she wanted and I’m not bothered that I wasn’t invited but the secrecy around it afterwards was daft.

P00hsticks · 30/12/2024 18:34

Me and OH did it a few years back - we thought of just roping someone off the street to act as witnesses but decided that we wanted someone we knew we could rely on not to gossip, so asked a cousin of my OH's and his wife. None of my family know about it (we don;t have kids).

We've been together a long time and did it did it solely for financial reasons - we wanted to ensure that whichever of us survived the other would benefit from each others spousal pensions, and also avoid inheritance tax.