To get married in secret, then forget about it

[Monster6]

Hi Mumsnetters. ☺️ I’m in a long term stable relationship, with 2 teen kids. We have a joint mortgage, and wills naming each other as the beneficiaries if anything were to happen. Neither of us have ever been particularly interested in getting marriage, but recently I’ve been starting to consider it. We’re both mid 40s. My question is, is it really bad form to just get married, quietly and not tell anyone? I hate fuss. Anyone done similar? I’d like the kids there but honestly that’s it. AIBU?

We had been together a decade later in the year so we did this kind of marriage ceremony then planned a big decade party which doubled as hey we got married party, come and celebrate with us.

one of the financial benefits is that you get double the inheritance tax threshold

Please include your children.

Mine were so upset when their dad got married without telling them and without them there.

One was very sad that they were ‘second best’ in their dad’s life.

We did. We got married abroad so no need for witnesses. Told our closest friends and family just before, they were over the moon for us. Told the rest when we got back. Everyone seemed made up for us (because we have lovely friends and why would you friends with people who weren’t happy for you to be happy). It was one of my happiest days and I wouldn’t change a thing!

If i remember correctly you cant do the grab a witness off the street anymore as you have to name them in advance…

so you cant do it like the movies

or maybe that is just me borough

Surely most parents just want their children to be happy and do their one and only wedding ceremony the way THEY want to do it? Wouldn't you be MORE sad if your children felt forced into changing their ideal way of doing it, to include you, even though they had only wanted a very small informal quick straight forward legal occasion with no fuss? And the minute they feel forced to include you purely to stop YOU feeling sad then up starts the guilt trip from other relatives too. Awful. I'd be gutted if my children changed their plans because they didn't want me to feel sad, and then felt sad themselves because they didn't end up having it the way they wanted to. Just be happy for people and let them do it their own way! That's your only job are a parent, honestly.

OP, I think you can probably guess my feelings on the matter 😆

We almost did this, registry office in jeans. Wussed out in the end and did a small abroad wedding with close family only.

This is what we did. We had 2 workers from the registry office as out witnesses.

I can’t even remember the date or how long ago we were married now… I said 6yrs the other day and my dh got offended and said it’s closer to 10! Even he doesn’t know… obviously we could just look at certain. But I like it this way ☺️

We’ve been together 21yrs

I think it's a bloody great idea. I can't bear the drama, control and narcissism of weddings (not to mention the expense) and I hated my wedding.

If I ever did it again (which I almost certainly won't) I would do it in secret.

I'm sure people will be along shortly to tell you its selfish and its a celebration for all the families etc. These are the exact reasons I wouldn't want to get married again. I don't want lots of new family foisted on me.

DH and I did this a decade ago - got married abroad, no guests, no fuss, no regrets!

oh well done. I loved doing it that way. We didn't even plan what we were wearing, just got up amd put on what felt comfy that day. Think my husband might have been in jeans and hoodie!

yes really important to know marriage invalidates any Will immediately so get that sorted! Because we were keeping our Wills the same after the marriage as they were before the solicitor just charged us about £100 to redraft the same wills in our married names. Until you do this if anything happened after marriage your estate would be intestate

God yeah, everyone has to stick their bloody oar in, give an opinion on trivia like what food you're offering, the type of music you want, what order you want things done in, make you feel guilty because you're not doing x/y/z or inviting that great uncle twice removed. Awful controlling behaviour over someone else's occasion. They bring out the worst in relatives' characters.

Also useful to think about how you frame it when you tell others, it very much manages expectations. For me it was “we were making things legal”, it wasn’t a “wedding”

Yes, I agree. You're bound to upset some people who'll bemoan the fact that would have wanted to get you a wedding present at least, even if not invited blah blah. So announcing that you made it legal and playing it down when letting people know your news is the way to go.

I wondered about this too, as we had to name our witnesses two weeks before, when choosing our vows.

I worked with someone who did this. He came in work after he'd taken half term holiday off with the kids. And just says "Sunday went to Chester Zoo, Monday went to Warwick Castle, Tuesday got married, Wednesday went shopping..." and we were all like "WHAT?!" but he didn't the see point in making a big deal of it. Nice and simple and still happily married 20 years later.

We did this in the summer - we have no children, the witnesses were 2 electricians who were working in the Registry Office at the time - didn't have to provide any witnesses details .....
Also a will does not necessarily need to be updated. It is legal to make a Will "in contemplation of a marriage"
A Will made in contemplation of marriageThe Will must state that you are intending to marry and that you intend that your Will should not be revoked by this marriage. The person that you are intending to marry must be named. The marriage should take place within a relatively short period of time after the Will is made

Yes that must have been it, wed been planning on the grab version before this!

We are planning the same in 2025 for tax purposes.

I got married in my lunch hour then went back to work. Asked a couple of random people in the building to be witnesses.

it was crap. My advice would be to do something a bit special to mark the day, like a nice lunch.

My friend did this. She never even told her parents, and they are both dead now. No regrets!

I did this. Got married overseas in the town Hall, couple of witnesses. Wore a dress I already had. Don't regret it. I hate fuss, would hate to be centre of attention. I never wanted a big wedding. I don't really get it. We had originally tried to plan a wedding but inlaws/SIL were a nightmare so I gave up.
Inlaws obviously were upset about it ans didn't speak to me for a while. Their loss.

We did this, after 14 years together. Only our witnesses and a lady I worked with knew in advance. We got married in a registry office on a Saturday then had a lovely lunch with our witnesses. Went back to work as normal on the Monday. People gradually became aware of it. We weren't keeping it secret but just mentioned it if weddings came up in conversation. Most people were surprised but pleased for us. Some, strangely, were kind of angry that they hadn't known.
We probably wouldn't have done it like that if we'd still had parents alive. Still happily together 21 years later.

Yes, I think you are right - in the end we had to give names in advance.

I would definitely invite my children to it. It would be nicer for them being there. It doesn't matter as they tell anyone does it?

Not unreasonable in the slightest. I had the full works and whilst I had an amazing day, I’m embarrassed about how much it cost. We should’ve just done it quietly, just the two of us.