To get married in secret, then forget about it

[Monster6]

Hi Mumsnetters. ☺️ I’m in a long term stable relationship, with 2 teen kids. We have a joint mortgage, and wills naming each other as the beneficiaries if anything were to happen. Neither of us have ever been particularly interested in getting marriage, but recently I’ve been starting to consider it. We’re both mid 40s. My question is, is it really bad form to just get married, quietly and not tell anyone? I hate fuss. Anyone done similar? I’d like the kids there but honestly that’s it. AIBU?

It’s hard cos once you start saying “ooo
we will invite X then you feel you have to invite Y” so we just decided none - it was that or at least 30 id say

We did this last month - the plan was us plus 2 friends as witnesses but woke up to 4 inches of snow! Cue frantic calls to round up 2 local emergency witnesses. Ended up being a lovely ceremony & home by lunchtime!
No big announcement afterwards, people found out gradually. Not changed my name but we did make new wills in anticipation.
Best thing we ever did, really happy that we kept it small.
Do it!

We did. About 25 years together, once we had wound down at work and had amalgamated the finances ( even) more, we just wanted the tax advantages etc that being married brings (we were planning to live in France as well, and it is much simpler there if you are married.)

We didn’t tell anyone except our witnesses for about six years! But as we get even older, we find being married is somehow a comfort in times of ill health or other stresses.

We did this! We did tell close family beforehand but made it clear it wasn’t a big deal - just nipping to the registry office in our lunchbreak. We didn’t feel comfortable with hiding it. My dad was a bit upset - I think he was hoping to do the toast/walking down the aisle thing. But otherwise, our families accepted it. Definitely the right solution for us.

If you're in Swansea or the surrounding regions, I claim first dibs!! I'll be a witness

Get married. Inform people after. I’d have your kids there though.

Would you mind explaining the financial benefits further please? I can’t find much info all in one place regarding all these

We did - quick and simple. We invited 11 people, to the ceremony and a lunch afterwards - didn't tell anyone else beforehand and haven't made a thing about it since.

So much less hassle than a full blown wedding and reassuring on the next of kin and financial aspects.

We've just done this, with our adult DC as witnesses and we had a fabulous day. We got married at the Town Hall and it cost just under £200. Both of us hate fuss and I was really nervous, so I certainly wouldn't have wanted anyone else there! We've been together nearly 26 years and a lot of people assumed we were married anyway.

We went out for a meal afterwards and then let everyone know. Our parents, siblings and friends were fine about it and very happy for us. The only people who have had a problem are a couple of aunties, who feel we have deprived everyone of a big party!

My sister did this. Just got the neighbours along to witness. They just wanted the 'piece of paper' to appease our dad who was distraught that she was pregnant and not married - they had been together years but no plans to marry. All worked out fine, everyone happy.

I did it, it was great, I absolutely recommend it. Google elopement packages if you want a weekend away or just book in at the registry office once you have your licence. We got a package, went away for a weekend and the B&B owners were our witnesses mainly because I had not discovered Mumsnet

(Edited because you can't unfortunately just turn up at the registry office due to the whole licence palaver which can take a couple of months depending on how busy your LA is)

Do it, but note that marriage invalidates your will so you’ll just need to get it refreshed.

My DSis tried this and her and her DH had a registry office job one Friday morning. Let it slip out casually the next week but DP's weren't having that at all and guilt tripped them into having a church blessing and a family party.
At the time we all just went along with it. DSis still can't stand up to them. Now with the benefit of age and not giving a fuck I would definitely have made them back off.

I did, 2 guests and a registry office. I haven’t announced it to anyone we only did it to make it easier if one of us dies.

Ive known lots who have done this, I personally, think this is how weddings should be anyway.

We did! After 25 years together we got married, only our 2 DC knew as they were witnesses (both over 18). We have never bothered telling anyone and family still don't know. I don't feel it's sneaky, just none of their business. I don't tell them if I sign another form of legal document, why would I tell them about marriage, is my view.

Another vote for a civil partnership. All the same legal protections as marriage, without any of the trappings or expectations. You can cherrypick the bits you fancy (we did the honeymoon part!).

Thank you. Yes, it wouldn’t so much be aunties in our case but there will be some who do want ‘a big party’. I also don’t want plus ones there, or young children. I guess the more I think of it, it really is just me and partner I’d want. Our kids are t quite old enough to keep it quiet 🤣

I think it just has to be me and him, kids are not old enough to keep it quiet, and won’t care particularly I don’t think.

I think if you are going to do it, get on and do it but don't make a thing out of telling people after unless they absolutely need to know.

A vague friend and her partner went to a solicitor to sort out legalities. Together over 25 years, two kids, not married. He told them it would be easier to get married. So they did. Register office and Colin the Caterpillar cake 😄

Well the main ones were the two I mentioned.

Firstly, when we retire we'll both have defined benefit pensions, and the particular scheme we are in says that when we die only a spouse or civil partner would then be entitled to a widows pension, equivalent to 50% of the main pension. That would make the survivor around £10k a year better off if married than if just co-habiting.

Secondly, largely due to the rising value of our house, our total assets are more than £325k, which is the current IHT allowance. If you leave everything to your spouse your estate is completely exempt from inheritance tax, whereas if you leave it all to your unmarried partner, you'll be liable to pay IHT on anything over £325k - in our case, that could mean taking out a loan to pay it or having to sell the house.

Not only that, but when the second spouse dies having been left everything by the first(as we plan to do) they can then use the late spouses IHT allowance as well as their own, meaning that you can leave up to £650 k before paying IHT.

(If you have descendants that you are leaving property to there are additional allowances that can also be used that would take the totals allowances up to £1 million before paying tax).

Why on earth?! Marriage is about the 2 of you only, you don't even need to tell any of your extended family if you don't want to, definitely dont feel you ought to have a 'real' wedding with guests just to keep them happy
. Although I wouldn't give it the weight of keeping it secret like you have done something wrong, just wait til it comes up naturally in conversation.

Is this your third thread about getting married?

What's the deal?

If you are both happy with doing it that way, go for it.