To get married in secret, then forget about it

[Monster6]

Hi Mumsnetters. ☺️ I’m in a long term stable relationship, with 2 teen kids. We have a joint mortgage, and wills naming each other as the beneficiaries if anything were to happen. Neither of us have ever been particularly interested in getting marriage, but recently I’ve been starting to consider it. We’re both mid 40s. My question is, is it really bad form to just get married, quietly and not tell anyone? I hate fuss. Anyone done similar? I’d like the kids there but honestly that’s it. AIBU?

Pretty sure witnesses off the street wouldn't have gossiped! They wouldn't know who you were or who to gossip to.

Some friends stopped off at Gretna Green a good few years ago for a toilet and refreshment break, ended up being witnesses to an elopement. It made their trip! Apparently it happens fairly regularly, as it’s a tourist spot there’s almost always someone around. Maybe book a long weekend there without the kids?

I’ve never posted about marriage before. 😊

It's YOUR wedding. Have exactly what you want.

An elopement sounds perfect if, like me, you hate the thought of being the centre of attention for a whole day.

I’d Just feel so under pressure to be bright, smily and social. Not that relaxing, really. I’m actually glad I didn’t do the whole big wedding in my 20s. Yes, I’m an introvert 😊

Yes, do it. It’s for you anyway, we had a lovely time at ours.

I think it's really lovely to do it alone, or eg just with the kids or very close family - then it's just about the marriage, not the 'spectacle' of a wedding.

I cannot imagine putting myself through photos and a first dance and having to mingle with everyone there.

Nope 😂

A lovely little ceremony sounds perfect.x.

Relatives of mine did this a couple of years ago They were in their 50s, together over 30 years, adult DC. They had one sibling & partner as witnesses, and didn't tell anyone else - even their parents, DC and other siblings - until afterwards.

No drama, everyone was pleased for them.

My sister suggested we meet up for drinks, just before Christmas,
Said her partners sister and sister's husband would be there too. DP and I like them and we have often been to events as a six,
So the six of us met for a drink at lunchtime.
She said she had booked a tour of the council offices and then an afternoon tea in a restaurant/hotel we all like.
Popped over to the council offices and, you guessed it there was no tour.
Just a simple wedding with the six of us.

Do it!
Excellent tax planning especially if you have kids (look up the spouse exemption for inheritance tax!)
Also please make sure you update/re-sign your wills if you do it as marriage revokes a will so it will need to be re-executed (unless the wills were made in anticipation of marriage!)

I think with small weddings you just have to stick in terms of who comes.

I.e if it's just you and the kids no one is left out unfairly because everyone is left out. But once you add in one sister or one friend things go south. Or do just immediate family I'd you want any more.

We did just parents and siblings (and their partners) and didn't tell anyone else until afterwards.

It can also be handy to book the last ceremony of the day then you can just go straight out for a meal or drinks (no need for a long day).

This only really applies if you go for the handful of people option rather than the two of you. People feel like they have to hang around longer if it's lunchtime.

We did! Or at least in secret for my family.

We got a civil partnership last year after 17 years together. We had 2 friends as the witnesses and went for lunch with them and a +1.

We told my in-laws a few months later when they were encouraging us to improve our financial security. I told work colleagues and we told a few friends when they were talking about someone else doing the same as us.

I will not be telling my family for as long as I can get away with! I haven't changed my name, my title is Dr so that hasn't changed. We always call ourselves partners and not husband/wife so very little has changed.The only time I envisage telling them is if being pestered about having a wedding and being able to say "oh we did that 15 years ago"

So, if we did it this way, just immediate and partners it becomes a party of 12. Which is too big for me. If we had very small extended families then it could work, but there’s plus ones and small children everywhere. Nothing against small children, I used to have 2. 🤣 But it just makes it a different thing

Just spoke to partner. Gonna do it, just us, probably Feb, weekday, go for lunch locally then go home ‘and consummate’ (his words) He clearly thinks he’ll be getting more sex?!?! Whereas I just want to put the bit of paper in a drawer and forget about it. Thank you for all the advice especially re wills as I didn’t know that. 😊

Did it 10 years ago, still haven't told people.

My only word of warning is that after a few years as life moves on, I sometimes feel sneaky when, for example, a close friend or relative gets married and people around you are excited and celebrating because you feel guilty and like you're lying because you're hiding it. I worry that after so long it's no longer "surprise, we're married!" And more "um, yeah, we got married 10 years ago and didn't tell you"(and expecting a hurt look because people inevitably think not telling them is about them not being happy for you etc).

I also worry if either of us die, the other is going to be left to tell the others parents alone. "Thanks for asking if I need cash to tide me over before probate/assuring me you'll make sure I'm looked after in the estate/offering me to let me know when you register his death, but we actually got married so I can do that myself."

Plus, oh lord, if we seperated, the fun of telling family that it isnt a simple separation and that we will be divorcing and all the potential stress there.

In hindsight, I'd have told them. As it stands, I'm thinking of holding a party on our 15th anniversary and telling people then to get it out in the open.

As well as wills any deeds of trusts etc would also be supersede by the marriage.
Annoying for us we had just spent more money on renewing our deed of trust than we spent on the civil partnership 6 months before the civil partnership.

We held of doing the wills and got our witnesses to sign out wills after the civil partnership.

At our registry office we were restricted to Tuesday morning for the super cheap just witnesses option but we did get it 6 weeks after we decided to get one.

Still wish I'd done this. Got guilted into doing a big thing. It was lovely to have all the fave faces there in the end but honestly if we hadn't done it I don't think I'd have felt like I missed out, and the money would have been helpful since. We didn't even spend 1/2 what some people do but still added up!

It's not sneaky to want to be married (or civil partnered) quietly and privately. Just go for it.

Friends of ours got civil partnered quietly. They wanted minimum fuss and ceremony, no rings, no music, no photos ... that's what they had.

We had a civil partnership ceremony after 24 years and two children together. Didn't tell anyone beforehand (except the two friends we asked as witnesses) and haven't told anyone since. Civil partnership gives the same legal protections, rights and responsibilities as marriage now. We did it for financial security reasons (pensions, inheritance tax, etc) and frankly haven't thought about it much since. The only real expense was having to draw up new wills afterwards, as our existing ones were made invalid.

You want to BE married, you just don't want to GET married. You want to be husband and wife, not bride and bridegroom.
I always think everyone should sense-check themselves like this on the night before their wedding. "If I had to get married in my ugly old tracksuit bottoms with no makeup on, would I still want to go ahead".
It definitely sounds like you would.

This is such a good description, and yes it’s exactly how I feel

Sounds lovely. Have a great time. If dp and I ever marry I do want the kids there plus any partners, which would currently mean 7 of us - at least we could still fit into one taxi, just about. But I've certainly got friends who have done the weekday lunchtime dash. Need Boulter of Tour de France commentator fame did it this way I think.

Tbh why not just slowly tell people if it comes up? That's how I know the friend above was married.

It is a legal contract, the rest of fuss like flowers and guests is just optional. I say go ahead. I had a small wedding, pre-children though, no regrets.

We did this. The only difficulty was getting witnesses.

We went to a cafe and 2 people took pity on us.