Worried about DH parental leave

Firstrodeo1 · 2024-12-30T08:41:18+00:00

DH is taking some parental leave soon as my maternity pay is coming to an end, we have DD who is 7 months. When we planned this a lot of the decision was financial as we can’t afford to drop to one income and DHs company will top up his pay. It obviously seemed more sensible than using childcare. However I’m a bit worried about DHs parenting style. He doesn’t interact a lot with DD when he’s looking after her and will leave her to her own devices. She’ll play independently for a bit but she is only 7 months old so although she has toys she doesn’t know what to do with them. Also, I feel it’s important for her development to interact with her. Eg yesterday I asked him to look after her for an hour whilst I did some cleaning and sorted out washing. He just laid on the sofa and watched a film whilst DD roamed around on the floor. She was safe but not exactly stimulated and he would just pause his film and speak to her when she cried. I could hear her crying and DH ignored her so I had to go down and play with her for a bit. The other day I went for a run when he watched her and when I came back she was in her jumperoo and he was cleaning his car with the front door closed. Yes she was safe but not exactly happy. Since we originally planned the leave I’ve come into some money and would be happy to use it to be off for the full 12 months but DH insists he wants to take the leave as he hates his job. I’m worried that DD won’t get any stimulation when he’s off which will be detrimental to her development. We don’t have any family near us besides MIL. To make it more complicated MIL has recently retired and he’s suggested he’ll just take DD to hers every day so he can get on with jobs around the house. Again I feel like if this is his plan I would rather be off work spending quality time with DD. Is this unreasonable? I know DD will be safe but she does get bored obviously and DH seems oblivious to this.

Topjoe19 · 30/12/2024 08:47

Well I'd be worried as he left a 7mo inside in a jumperoo with the door closed while he was outside cleaning! That's awful. Honestly he sounds like he just wants to use parental leave to escape work rather than spend time with his DD.

Superfrog3 · 30/12/2024 08:54

A conversation needs to be had, she's not a cat she's a baby who needs taking care of not just supervising, your DH is acting like a child who has been asked to babysit 🙄. I would try to help their bond - baby classes? Get him more involved in parenting before you go back. And an honest conversation about your expectations and what he thinks it will be like looking after a 7 month old?

Huskytrot · 30/12/2024 08:54

He sounds like a shit dad and definitely not one which your daughter will benefit from spending h hours alone each day with.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/12/2024 08:57

I'd look into taking some unpaid parental leave in addition to his paternity. Have you talked to him about this? Does he know one of the reasons for paternity leave is to form a bond with primary care givers? What is he doing to sort out his issues with work?

littleburn · 30/12/2024 08:58

Agree with the previous poster that his attitude is appalling.

If he's determined to have his holiday from work, can you give notice to your work that you intend to take your full entitlement to maternity leave and take the time off anyway, so that you're both off? Or is his leave entitlement dependent on you giving up that portion of your maternity leave? If that's the case, could you negotiate a period of unpaid leave with your employer?

PheasantPluckers · 30/12/2024 08:58

It sounds like he needs more time with her. All these examples are for short periods of time or with you in the background. He needs a good, solid chunk of time with her to learn what's involved. I doubt a child will let themselves be ignored for more than an hour.

The washing the car thing is awful an dangerous though.

itsallbowlsbaby · 30/12/2024 09:00

PheasantPluckers · 30/12/2024 08:58

It sounds like he needs more time with her. All these examples are for short periods of time or with you in the background. He needs a good, solid chunk of time with her to learn what's involved. I doubt a child will let themselves be ignored for more than an hour.

The washing the car thing is awful an dangerous though.

I'm inclined to agree with this. The more you step forward and become the default parent, the less he will do in future.

Mindymomo · 30/12/2024 09:01

He CANNOT leave child in any circumstances unattended and go outside the house. My DH wasn’t exactly brilliant at looking after our DC, but would never leave them alone, we agreed looking after them was a priority, housework, cooking and DIY could wait until I got home.

Penguinmouse · 30/12/2024 09:02

This is a good opportunity for him to learn. Charitably, he might be a bit burnt out from work which is why he’s not particularly engaged. Having the time and space to do it properly might help. As you approach the end of your leave, do a handover of what your daily routine looks like - if you have any mum friends on maternity leave, could they meet up with him still? Make sure you’re booked into baby classes so there is a structure to the day.

Penguinmouse · 30/12/2024 09:03

To add: leaving her inside whilst he washes the car is unacceptable and that needs to be sorted separately from this.

pikkumyy77 · 30/12/2024 09:03

What a shit father. He thinks paternity leave is a sabbatical. He has zero intention of looking after his own child. Make a list of what a good nanny would do—what you do—on an hourly basis and show it to him. Just say “we are reading this through together so you understand what I expect you to accomplish if you are the SAHP.”

These things are
all night wakings
child’s laundry
shopping and food prep
child’s meals (age appropriate and healthy)
play time enrichment
nap schedule
household chores

Not much free time except nap time.

pikkumyy77 · 30/12/2024 09:05

PheasantPluckers · 30/12/2024 08:58

It sounds like he needs more time with her. All these examples are for short periods of time or with you in the background. He needs a good, solid chunk of time with her to learn what's involved. I doubt a child will let themselves be ignored for more than an hour.

The washing the car thing is awful an dangerous though.

You are very naive to think the child has any choice if her father decides to shut her in her room and walk out of earshot.

Blanca87 · 30/12/2024 09:05

Let the strategic incompetence begin…. I can’t believe someone is that much of an idiot that they would leave 7 month baby in a jumperoo whilst he was cleaning the car. I would have gone nuclear. He is a total fuckwit.

DaisyChain505 · 30/12/2024 09:05

You need to be having a conversation that is clear and direct with him. Tell him you’re worried about him being the sole carer for your child because he isn’t present or hands on.

call him out in the moments.

“DH why don’t you turn off the tv and interact with DD on the floor”

”DH it isn’t appropriate to leave DD in a jumperoo and close the door”

“DH, DD will really benefit from us engaging and being present with her”

“DH I’m not ok with how distant and uninvolved you are when you’re in charge of looking after our child, I would like that to change”

SallyWD · 30/12/2024 09:06

He absolutely needs to be supervising her to make sure she's safe and of course he needs to interact with her. That's very important.
However, I also don't think it's good to be constantly interacting with them and stimulating them. I think this is a modern idea. The scenario you mention where she was roaming around the floor, seems fine to me. You say it's not stimulating but actually it probably is for a seven month old. He should have comforted her when she cried, but leaving her to her own devices if she's happy and is being watched is fine.
I strongly believe babies shouldn't have constant stimulation and interaction. I think they become overestimated. It's also good to let small children be a little bored sometimes. This is how they develop their own resources. The Royal nanny has spoken of the importance of letting very young children get bored.
Let's be honest, it's hard work looking after a seven month old, and no adult can realistically interact with them all day long. In the past, babies were plonked in cots or prams whilst mums got on with their chores and looked after their other kids. They didn't have the luxury of an adult who kid sit with them all day talking, singing and playing.
However, if your DH never interacts and essentially ignores her then yes that is a problem and is potentially unsafe

BettyBardMacDonald · 30/12/2024 09:10

What a useless arsehole. He just wants time away from work.

I'd set up several hidden webcams so you can monitor your baby's safety. But what a shitshow to have to contemplate that.

Has he always been this irresponsible?

Original poster

Firstrodeo1 · 30/12/2024 09:11

To address some of the points I would like for them to have more time alone but DH generally isn’t keen. I’ve asked him to look after her whilst I clean and it actually annoys me that I have to go down and intervene but I can’t listen to my child crying for more than 10 minutes because she’s being ignored. If shout down to ask if she’s ok I will hear DH pause his film to show her a toy then within a minute it’s back on. Yes she gets time to play independently but I would say DH uses this to his advantage to just ignore her.

He’ll also for example just give a bottle rather than make her a breakfast because he hates the mess from feeding her and says her mashed up food makes him feel ill, again it just makes me nervous because when he’s looking after her all day we can’t just not wean her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Firstrodeo1 · 30/12/2024 09:13

SallyWD · 30/12/2024 09:06

He absolutely needs to be supervising her to make sure she's safe and of course he needs to interact with her. That's very important.
However, I also don't think it's good to be constantly interacting with them and stimulating them. I think this is a modern idea. The scenario you mention where she was roaming around the floor, seems fine to me. You say it's not stimulating but actually it probably is for a seven month old. He should have comforted her when she cried, but leaving her to her own devices if she's happy and is being watched is fine.
I strongly believe babies shouldn't have constant stimulation and interaction. I think they become overestimated. It's also good to let small children be a little bored sometimes. This is how they develop their own resources. The Royal nanny has spoken of the importance of letting very young children get bored.
Let's be honest, it's hard work looking after a seven month old, and no adult can realistically interact with them all day long. In the past, babies were plonked in cots or prams whilst mums got on with their chores and looked after their other kids. They didn't have the luxury of an adult who kid sit with them all day talking, singing and playing.
However, if your DH never interacts and essentially ignores her then yes that is a problem and is potentially unsafe

I agree and when we’re at home alone I take her around the house with me to get chores done. She roams around the room whilst I get on with bits and pieces but she is supervised and I can chat to her. Since she has been crawling she gets bored much quicker.

OP posts:

marzipaninyourpieplatebingo · 30/12/2024 09:13

I’m sorry but I wouldn’t leave him unattended with her - he’s not even feeding her!! This is ridiculous! I am all for letting people step up but not with basic needs not being met! Honestly this is bad and he’s a bad parent that needs a direct conversation and no way would I leave my child with someone who does so little

MyPithyPoster · 30/12/2024 09:16

He is gonna use this as a sabbatical or extended holiday and dump her on his mother which is not necessarily a bad thing because at least that way you know she’s gonna get fed
If his mum has her for the majority of the time, are you comfortable with that and then literally he does whatever he wants which it sounds like he’s basically going to do anyway

MyPithyPoster · 30/12/2024 09:16

I’d be using the bit of money that you’ve come into as a running away fund. It sounds like you may need it

Original poster

Firstrodeo1 · 30/12/2024 09:19

MyPithyPoster · 30/12/2024 09:16

He is gonna use this as a sabbatical or extended holiday and dump her on his mother which is not necessarily a bad thing because at least that way you know she’s gonna get fed
If his mum has her for the majority of the time, are you comfortable with that and then literally he does whatever he wants which it sounds like he’s basically going to do anyway

No I’m not happy with it, it’s shared parental leave so only one of us can be off and I’ve shortened my mat leave to facilitate it. I would rather take that time myself but DH is insisting he needs the break from work.

He’s not been like this when I’ve seen him with other children before (nieces and nephews etc) so I’m surprised he’s acting this way with DD.

OP posts:

MyPithyPoster · 30/12/2024 09:20

Firstrodeo1 · 30/12/2024 09:19

No I’m not happy with it, it’s shared parental leave so only one of us can be off and I’ve shortened my mat leave to facilitate it. I would rather take that time myself but DH is insisting he needs the break from work.

He’s not been like this when I’ve seen him with other children before (nieces and nephews etc) so I’m surprised he’s acting this way with DD.

Show quote history

I think it’s a bit of a case of take the people that you live with for granted where is the niece and nephews are short term bursts of interaction and a bit of a novelty.
I honestly don’t know what you can do other than you’re both off together but then that seems like an enormous waste of money.

If you say no, he can’t have the leave. That will probably be the end of the relationship.

Everydayimhuffling · 30/12/2024 09:23

You need to have a proper discussion and agreement with him about the expectations of the primary parent/at home person. Make notes of possible. E.g. baby will be fed proper food X times per day at least. Baby will never be left alone inside while parent is outside, but can be left in x (child safe) room while parent is in another room.

Then ask him if he feels he is able to provide that level of care. If he can then you have set out a clear expectation. If he can't then you have your answer (and a clear list of why he should never be given primary custody if you need it).

Quite extreme, but you need to be on the same page and his decision-making is not good at the moment.

pikkumyy77 · 30/12/2024 09:23

Firstrodeo1 · 30/12/2024 09:11

To address some of the points I would like for them to have more time alone but DH generally isn’t keen. I’ve asked him to look after her whilst I clean and it actually annoys me that I have to go down and intervene but I can’t listen to my child crying for more than 10 minutes because she’s being ignored. If shout down to ask if she’s ok I will hear DH pause his film to show her a toy then within a minute it’s back on. Yes she gets time to play independently but I would say DH uses this to his advantage to just ignore her.

He’ll also for example just give a bottle rather than make her a breakfast because he hates the mess from feeding her and says her mashed up food makes him feel ill, again it just makes me nervous because when he’s looking after her all day we can’t just not wean her.

What.an.asshole.