Worried about DH parental leave

[Firstrodeo1]

DH is taking some parental leave soon as my maternity pay is coming to an end, we have DD who is 7 months. When we planned this a lot of the decision was financial as we can’t afford to drop to one income and DHs company will top up his pay. It obviously seemed more sensible than using childcare.

However I’m a bit worried about DHs parenting style. He doesn’t interact a lot with DD when he’s looking after her and will leave her to her own devices. She’ll play independently for a bit but she is only 7 months old so although she has toys she doesn’t know what to do with them. Also, I feel it’s important for her development to interact with her.

Eg yesterday I asked him to look after her for an hour whilst I did some cleaning and sorted out washing. He just laid on the sofa and watched a film whilst DD roamed around on the floor. She was safe but not exactly stimulated and he would just pause his film and speak to her when she cried. I could hear her crying and DH ignored her so I had to go down and play with her for a bit.

The other day I went for a run when he watched her and when I came back she was in her jumperoo and he was cleaning his car with the front door closed. Yes she was safe but not exactly happy.

Since we originally planned the leave I’ve come into some money and would be happy to use it to be off for the full 12 months but DH insists he wants to take the leave as he hates his job. I’m worried that DD won’t get any stimulation when he’s off which will be detrimental to her development.

We don’t have any family near us besides MIL. To make it more complicated MIL has recently retired and he’s suggested he’ll just take DD to hers every day so he can get on with jobs around the house. Again I feel like if this is his plan I would rather be off work spending quality time with DD.

Is this unreasonable? I know DD will be safe but she does get bored obviously and DH seems oblivious to this.

Absolutely no bloody way would I give up my maternity leave so that he could dump the baby on his mother and have a holiday at my expense!! I can't believe he has the gall to even suggest this, the selfish sod. It shows what he thinks of the worth of your mothering - you're not doing anything valuable, just having a break from work, so he's entitled to have a long paid holiday too (and dump the actual work on the nearest woman - grrr!!).

I'd be telling him that parental leave is not a break or a holiday and under no circumstances would I be giving up the rest of my entitlement to facilitate a lazy man to avoid work, especially since he's so far proven to be incapable of looking after his child safely. If he can't very quickly prove that he's upping his game in terms of looking after and interacting with the baby, I would cancel the shared leave and take the rest of the maternity leave myself. I don't imagine that will go down well, but to be honest, if I were you I'd be reconsidering if I wanted to continue raising a child with such a useless father anyway.

Neglecting his child to the point where her basic emotional and nutritional needs are not being met. He must absolutely repulse you.
Do you want to remain married to the failure?

I'd be making it very clear you're giving up months with your baby so that he can become a better DF, not so he can have a holiday and pass the buck to his DM. I'd also tell him he goes back to work straight after, if you work so does he, he could enjoy his leave too much

So you're going to give up your maternity leave to let your DH have an extended holiday, basically. Even though you know your DD will get substandard care. Obviously he's an idiot but you also have agency here - just say no, it's not happening.

I didn’t like to say, but I read something very similar on. I think it’s threads. Hundreds of women commenting that as soon as the baby was born and she was on maternity leave there baby daddy got the urge to give up their jobs, set up a hobby type business and work from home. Jealous of the mum having time off basically as they saw it.

Honestly, I think it will do him good to have the time with her by the sounds of it. He is very naive to think looking after a 7 month old is going to be any easier than working. I would be sitting down for a discussion around what is expected though, a list of what you did whilst on maternity leave and that you'll expect him to do most of the night wakings etc.

Id address the jumperoo issue separately and in no uncertain terms tell him that leaving a 7 month old completely unsupervised is unacceptable.

Trust your instincts op. A 7 month old baby does need near constant interaction and definitely constant supervision.

Unfortunately, your DP sounds neglectful. If you really have no choice but to go through with his parental leave I’d be making sure the whole house is child proofed e.g all chemicals and medicine locked away, all button batteries screwed down and accounted for because it only takes a moment for accidents to happen. Try and send him on a parenting course. They do free ones at the Family hubs. (Although it doesn’t sound like he would be willing to put any effort in) 😕

The first time my friend left her DH looking after the baby he went to the shop and left them napping in their cot. She only found out when she noticed he'd bought stuff and asked how they'd got on in the pram, as normally the baby hated it and screamed the whole time. Casual as anything, he told her he went on his own as the baby was napping. Didn't occur to him that it would be a problem.

You need to have a conversation about your concerns and make sure you are on the same page.

Just to add about the jumperoo, I had my 8 month old in one, a literally nipped to the downstairs loo, was gone 2 mins tops & when I came back he was upside down. One side failed and flipped him over. If I hadn't had been in the next room, I dread to think what could have happened.

I can't believe anyone is defending someone shoving a 7 month old in a jumperoo and shutting the door and going outside 😳
Or not feeding her because he doesn't like mashed food?!
What the actual fuck?
He absolutely wants the time off work, not the time to spend with your DD. I'd be incredibly concerned about leaving her with him for any length of time.

You shouldn’t have to ask him to watch her whilst you go do xyz. She belongs to both of you.

@MyPithyPoster I've seen the threads too. The worst one, he brought in next to no money and called himself a SAHF but left all the domestic work to his wife, even when the DC went to school, because he spent all day doing as he liked. I'm cynical I admit, but it doesn't hurt to warn an Op what might be happening here

That is astonishing! Did he get his act together or did she leave him?

He's a lazy bastard.

🎯

Babirs dont need to be stimulated all the time you know. They can work out toys by themselves, they're clever like that.
However, babies can't be left out of ear and eyeshot behind a closed door and your partner needs to be told categorically that this is dangerous.

Big red flag.

Parental leave isn't time off work. If you're doing it properly it should be more tiring than your actual job.

He got both barrels for that and it was never repeated. He does seem to be a reasonable dad now.

Can open. 🥫

Worms everywhere. 🐛

He sounds like a lazy and unengaged parent. Paternity leave is not for doing jobs around the house! My DH took paternity leave and zero jobs were done, but DC was engaged, taken to parks and playgroups, fed well and not dumped on a relative. If you can’t trust your DH with your baby, I would reconsider the marriage. You will be a single parent basically in a marriage.

Parental leave is exactly that, not a break from work. You need to cancel his leave, basically. He's using this to have what he considers to be time off. He sounds useless and unattractive, frankly. A parent who isn't bothered about looking after his child. Can't say I'd tolerate that.

Infants and toddlers are very different animals. A neurotypical baby will not spend more than a few minutes at any one play task. They are wirking on gross motor skills, increasingly fine motor skills, and language acquisition . The first two skill sets create increasing danger as the child becomes more mobile and can put more things in its mouth. The third thing: language acquisition, requires direct
attention and near constant contact with their primary care giver. Toddlers can manage more independent play but also need miles more close supervision and they, too, benefit from spoken interaction, word play, reading, singing, and interpretive parenting. Studies have shown marked differences in IQ and in resilience and cognition between children raised hearing lots of words and complex speech versus those from impoverished and silent or neglectful backgrounds.

Shared parental leave isn't for him to have a break. It's for him to parent and take on the SAHP role. I would be concerned if he thinks it is a holiday. What exactly does he think you do all day? A 7 month old needs simulation and to be properly minded. At that age everyday DC and I went out. We went to a different free or low cost baby group, rhyme time at the library, parent and toddler swimming ect. Baby's want stimulation and routine. They don't want a lazy arsehole watching inappropriate shit on TV and laying their. I think you might need to rethink this. I reckon your going to come home to a bored and dirty child and a house that looks like a shithole.

If I had my time again, I would leave the Dad to it. By attending to her when she cries he is not having to deal with her. I'd talk to him and set out the expectations for him having time off with her, playgroups, swimming, park. One activity a day, play with her to held her development and keep house in order. (Or what ever you feel is reasonable ) . If your there he knows he will be rescued, might do him good x

Your focus on "stimulation" is wrong IMO. Your 7mo doesn't need to be entertained all day long, and it's ok for them to get bored or entertain themselves whilst doing your own thing for a bit.

But it really is not ok to leave her inside in a jumperoo on her own whilst washing the car, or to refuse to make her breakfast because it's too messy! He is also taking the leave for the wrong reasons. If he can't ensure a basic level of care now for a few hours, how is he supposed to take care of a baby all day long?