Worried about DH parental leave

[Firstrodeo1]

DH is taking some parental leave soon as my maternity pay is coming to an end, we have DD who is 7 months. When we planned this a lot of the decision was financial as we can’t afford to drop to one income and DHs company will top up his pay. It obviously seemed more sensible than using childcare.

However I’m a bit worried about DHs parenting style. He doesn’t interact a lot with DD when he’s looking after her and will leave her to her own devices. She’ll play independently for a bit but she is only 7 months old so although she has toys she doesn’t know what to do with them. Also, I feel it’s important for her development to interact with her.

Eg yesterday I asked him to look after her for an hour whilst I did some cleaning and sorted out washing. He just laid on the sofa and watched a film whilst DD roamed around on the floor. She was safe but not exactly stimulated and he would just pause his film and speak to her when she cried. I could hear her crying and DH ignored her so I had to go down and play with her for a bit.

The other day I went for a run when he watched her and when I came back she was in her jumperoo and he was cleaning his car with the front door closed. Yes she was safe but not exactly happy.

Since we originally planned the leave I’ve come into some money and would be happy to use it to be off for the full 12 months but DH insists he wants to take the leave as he hates his job. I’m worried that DD won’t get any stimulation when he’s off which will be detrimental to her development.

We don’t have any family near us besides MIL. To make it more complicated MIL has recently retired and he’s suggested he’ll just take DD to hers every day so he can get on with jobs around the house. Again I feel like if this is his plan I would rather be off work spending quality time with DD.

Is this unreasonable? I know DD will be safe but she does get bored obviously and DH seems oblivious to this.

Honestly, I would be terrified to leave my baby with him. He sounds incompetent and lazy. He can’t be bothered with actually parenting his child he just wants some time off work because the poor man is feeling a bit fed up with it all!
I would be taking the extra maternity myself and telling him tough.
Leaving his baby in the jumparoo while he’s outside cleaning his fucking car is just so selfish, uncaring and downright neglectful it’s unbelievable.

He doesn't want to spend time with his baby. He just wants time off work. He gives his 7 month baby milk instead of actual meals as mashed up food makes him feel sick. He ignores her crying and gives her no attention at all. Would you leave your child with a childminder who did this? Obviously not, so why is it acceptable from a parent?

You need to point out the examples you have highlighted here to DH, as to why he is not an adequate carer.
Have DH visit the welfare nurse with you and ask for some educational videos.
Take DH to be an observer at a softplay.
Do you have a friend who is married to an interactive Dad?
Could your DH have an afternoon play date with your child?
Is there a Dad's Playgroup?

Have DH prepare baby food from scratch - some for the freezer and some for now.

He should be able to learn the skills he needs.
And he will keep learning on the job.
I would be talking with him in earnest and making it clear that you will not be going back to work until he can up skill in baby care.

Seven-month old babies don't require constant interaction. She's warm, safe and dry. Leave them to it.

She doesn’t have constant interaction with me but I wouldn’t put a film on, leave her to it and then ignore her crying when she’s getting bored. She won’t play for 2 hours of a film without any interaction.

She's not safe in a jumperoo alone in a house! At 7 months they're only recommended for like 5 minutes supervised, how long was she in it?

He's seriously neglecting her if he can't be arsed to even give her breakfast.

This behaviour would have me thinking of leaving. He's seriously shit.

No way should you give up your mat leave for him to doss about on the sofa.

Hopefully once they are alone he will get more into interacting with your DD but I'd recommend getting DD booked into some baby classes/playgroup and swimming lessons/sessions that your DH can continue taking her to. When I went back to work my DH had our LO 2 days a week on his own and I moved our swimming lesson to that day. They did it together for years and loved it but my DH would never have thought to do that off his own back or even thought that he would want to.

Yet another useless man. OP you sound smart and switched on, have you explored what this man is adding to your life? Is he making it better?

This isn't the point of the thread, but it could help alleviate one sticking point: 7 month olds don't need mashed up baby food. If he doesn't want to deal with that - and baby food purees are a bit grim tbh - why doesn't he give her finger foods? It's also fine for milk to make up the bulk of her diet for the first year. She only needs to be offered 1 or 2 portions of solid food at that age. If he does decide to offer her food (in any form) rather than a bottle, then he needs to understand the importance of watching her while she eats.
OP would he be open to taking a paediatric first aid course? It might just open his eyes to some of the areas that risk can arise when you're caring for a small child. There's nothing like having to practice resuscitating a baby to stop you doom scrolling while they eat...

He needs to learn to parent his own child on his own, without you around.

The more he does it the better he will become.

Just let him get on with it and stop helicoptering around him.

I would say though under no circumstances is she left unattended while he is outside.

So not true. And if it has escaped your attention she won’t be seven months for long.

They do need some interaction though. She probably won't be safe or dry under OP's DH's care. He will only give her milk as he says that mashed up food makes him feel sick. He left her in the house in a jumperoo with the door shut while he washed his car. Babies are not supposed to be left unsupervised in jumperoos so she wasn't safe. I doubt he will rush to change her nappies either as he is viewing his parental leave as a break from work for his benefit. He sounds like an unfit father.

He is so lazy he cant be arsed to feed her?
He's a lazy selfish loser.
OP hang onto that money as a safety net for yourself if this marriage doesn't survive.

Women get the ick when men turn out to be selfish wasters who don't care about their children.

Bullet proof your contraception.
Do not go again with him.

Let him go go his mothers, she will look after the baby at least.

Warm, safe and dry? She’s not a pet and she’s not safe with a man who judges that it’s ok to shut her in the house while he is busy outside.

Put her in nursery better there than with your DH.

If you went to visit a childminder with a view to leaving your baby with them, and the childminder had her feet up watching a film while ignoring the baby she was supposed to be looking after and giving the baby milk for a meal, saying that mashed up food made her feel sick, would you leave your child with this person because 'hopefully' they would interact with your baby once they were alone together?

If you have come into money then can’t you just both be off? One on parental leave and one on unpaid leave?

What an absolute waste of money though.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t come into chunks of money very regularly and when I do, I’d want to spend them on something more productive and useful than basically facilitating dopey here to have a six month holiday.

Exactly!. Most me do not show what absolute assholes they will become after Marriage!.

Risk is: You’ll come home from work and find things aren’t being done the way you want. Dirty house, baby not been weaning and hungry…

… I would have a serious chat with dh about your fears and say that if he cannot show you he is going to be a hands-on sahd then you will change the arrangement as not safe or healthy for a baby to be left with him all day.

He won't do that again??. How do you know that?!!. He is going to do much WORSE things!

Perhaps BUT if used wisely this time off together could actually be spent building confidence looking after their child, especially for him. Realistically he needs the chance to be a parent, if OP isn’t comfortable with him doing that solo then the compromise is he can do that while she is also there.

No way I'd be leaving her with him in these circumstances. He doesn't even sound clueless -he sounds like he just can't be arsed. The feeding bit is shocking. While I'm not saying he'd deliberately put her in harms way, he is definitely neglectful. Who leaves a 7 month old unattended in a Jumparoo with the front door shut?!!! I'd have been raging.

That’s what weekends are for.

When I was a stay at home, Mum I got myself a Saturday job so that dad could hands-on parent.

Made the mistake of walking past the house and looking through the window one day though and caught him on the PlayStation with baby on his knee and the other toddler rattling around the living room.
Hopefully that was the worst of what happened that day. Not the best.

This.