Worried about DH parental leave

[Firstrodeo1]

DH is taking some parental leave soon as my maternity pay is coming to an end, we have DD who is 7 months. When we planned this a lot of the decision was financial as we can’t afford to drop to one income and DHs company will top up his pay. It obviously seemed more sensible than using childcare.

However I’m a bit worried about DHs parenting style. He doesn’t interact a lot with DD when he’s looking after her and will leave her to her own devices. She’ll play independently for a bit but she is only 7 months old so although she has toys she doesn’t know what to do with them. Also, I feel it’s important for her development to interact with her.

Eg yesterday I asked him to look after her for an hour whilst I did some cleaning and sorted out washing. He just laid on the sofa and watched a film whilst DD roamed around on the floor. She was safe but not exactly stimulated and he would just pause his film and speak to her when she cried. I could hear her crying and DH ignored her so I had to go down and play with her for a bit.

The other day I went for a run when he watched her and when I came back she was in her jumperoo and he was cleaning his car with the front door closed. Yes she was safe but not exactly happy.

Since we originally planned the leave I’ve come into some money and would be happy to use it to be off for the full 12 months but DH insists he wants to take the leave as he hates his job. I’m worried that DD won’t get any stimulation when he’s off which will be detrimental to her development.

We don’t have any family near us besides MIL. To make it more complicated MIL has recently retired and he’s suggested he’ll just take DD to hers every day so he can get on with jobs around the house. Again I feel like if this is his plan I would rather be off work spending quality time with DD.

Is this unreasonable? I know DD will be safe but she does get bored obviously and DH seems oblivious to this.

Wow, he definitely just wants time off work and doesn't intend to look after her!. Maybe he can get a month off and you just accept that your mother inlaw will actually be looking after her for the period. He probably won't do much house work during the period also

This! Your dd could have got seriously injured and he wouldn't have known. All these things need to be used under supervision so he failed massively there. I would be furious. Raging furious. So now that she was ok being left alone in the house what is he going to do next? Pop to the shops for '2mins' while she naps?

He sounds neglectful and I wouldn't be leaving the baby alone with him at all. This is so wrong op.

I think you need to sit down and say it isn’t a break from work it is looking after your child and running the house

tell him exactly what you do chores and all and what the expectations are and that it isn’t a holiday

and that frankly shutting the front door in a 7 month old in a jumperoo is dangerous

He will agree but simply won't do it. He will do exactly what he wants

I completely understand the nervousness around this but, believe me, you are on your way to becoming a "baby expert" and you absolutely have to let go before it becomes solely your responsibility to raise your child. My friend had a useless husband. Her answer? She came to stay with me for three weeks and left her husband in sole charge of the baby. It completely transformed their lives. 16 years on, he is the most attentive and knowledgeable father I have ever met. After their second, he became a SAHP for a while allowing my friend to further her career. Both kids are happy and healthy and their relationship has never been better. And this is the same bloke who wouldn't let me and my friend relax with a cup of tea because he couldn't figure out how to put baby to bed.
Trust me, sometimes you have to do a radical thing. So take yourself out of the house and let them figure it out.

That could’ve gone either way, though couldn’t it? My dad used to get left alone with us and he used his foot to kick my sister out of the room.

A reluctant parent should never be left with the children.

You just need to ascertain whether he’s just useless or dangerous. I bet his family know the answer to that.

If he doesn’t like his job why doesn’t he start looking for a better one? The baby isn’t a good excuse for skivving off.

It might encourage him to bond with dd and step up. You kind of have to trust him to

I’ve suggested he looks for a new job many times and it just comes back to the fact he hates change. He usually puts it back on me as I wasn’t happy in my job either before I went on maternity leave although I was pregnant so decided it would be better to stay in it and I’ve got an internal move lined up when I return which I interviewed for whilst on mat leave so I have taken some action.

I did trust his parenting before he actually became a parent and has given me a reason not to?!

Obviously, if there are concerns about abuse, I wouldn't advocate this approach. But my friend's husband was not abusive in the slightest. He was just convinced that he didn't need to learn any parenting because he had a powerhouse of a wife who was a "baby expert" and was ready to jump in with advice, criticism or "oh, I may as well do it myself". So until she was no longer there, he simply didn't need to be a parent.

He’s opting out of everything isn’t he? Work and Child care.

Doesn’t like work so will use parental leave as an excuse not to go in. How is he going to motivate himself to go back?

His actions with your DD are neglect, leaving her to cry, not feeding her, leaving her unsupervised.

Over the next few months she will become more active. In what way will she be safe never mind stimulated.

I can’t believe this is real.

He doesn't feed her because he doesn't like mess? That's really not normal and I think you'd be within your rights to demand he steps up or extend your mat leave.

Since when are we calling being a shit dad a ‘parenting style’?

He isn't a safe person for your DD. He gives her a bottle of milk rather than actual meals because mashed up food makes him feel ill? He is absolutely disgraceful. He wants to take parental leave for himself, not because he wants time with his daughter.

I would say that you are stuck really. He is using the baby to get out of working. He does not actually want to be a parent or to spend time with her. In any event you need to have a proper discussion with him about this. I would be shortening his parental leave if I could but this will obviously result in a massive row. I think this is a serious issue for women who are now giving away their precious maternity leave for lazy men who just want to get out of work.

@Firstrodeo1 I fell for the “good uncle” trick as well! My exh was really fantastic uncle to his sister’s kids- I had absolutely no concerns about how he would be as a parent m, because he was so hands on with them. He always put them 100% first when we saw them at any family gathering.

He was a terrible dad when we were together - very uninterested in anything that meant he wasn’t doing exactly what he wanted at any given time.

I think he needs to actively demonstrate that he is going to put the baby’s needs first in order for you to agree to his plan. So you need to see evidence of him caring for her properly whilst they’re together.

I agree with those saying it could be quite dangerous to just go and leave him to it - the going outside and leaving her could easily have resulted in serious injury.

If he doesn’t reassure you, I’d just take the mat leave and he can hardly stop you.

Re the mashed up food, he could try baby led weaning which involves no mashing, except that I’d worry he wouldn’t supervise her and would leave her to choke.

Having read your updates OP, I think you’re between a rock and a hard place but on reflection, I would actually not shorten your mat leave. If he wants a break from work he can take annual leave. While I think “food before one is just for fun” does hold true, this is the time to be introducing new foods and he won’t even feed her because he doesn’t like mashed up food. He’s really not equipped to look after her every day.

"I have concerns that I would like to talk about calmly. I have shortened my maternity leave so you could take some paternity leave to spend time with and bond with our daughter. But every single time you look after her, you ignore her to do your own thing. That's not what parental leave is for. It's meant to grow your relationship with your child and help her developmental and social skills as she bonds with you. And now you tell me you're planning to do even more of your own thing and dump our baby on your mother to do so. That's not what was agreed. If you hate your job, find another one. But perhaps we need to reconsider you taking leave at this time and I will see if I can extend mine instead for our daughter's benefit."

Alternatively, suggest he use his leave to look for a new job if he's determined to take it. Talk to MIL about the things she can do with your daughter while she's looking after her. You don't really have any other options here potentially.

The car thing is outrageous. Crawling around exploring is good for her. You sound a bit helicopter-y, but he needs to get the basics right e.g. don't leave the baby in the house alone! If I was running downstairs and leaving baby in the lounge (our kitchen is downstairs) I always followed the rule that if I was to trip and break a leg, the space she was in needed to be safe for six hours until someone came home to help. A jumperoo isn't that.

I wouldn't be happy with this either!! My DD2 is 13 months and husband and I have both decided to go part time for a few months with MIL and my mother helping out once every other week each (we both work on one day).

We have just finished our first month DH has been absolutely fantastic and I can see he is loving the time with DD, taking her for days out, to groups and meeting with Mother in law etc.

I'm your situation I would definitely stay off the rest of the 12 months x

What purpose is he actually serving? What joy does he bring to your lives? Are you happy with him?

Go back to work and give him a chance to bond/look after his baby. Sounds like since you’ve been on leave, the bulk of parenting has fallen on you whether he’s at work or at home.
He’s entitled to leave too, to spend with his daughter. He needs to find his feet without you there telling him how to parent.
Leaving the baby in the jumperoo on his own is bad but surely, he wouldn’t do that again.
Going back to work after being off with your baby is very hard but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t get to spend time with his baby too.

I've only skimmed TFT, but I think the importance of parents playing with their babies for large chunks of time is overstated. Yes, they do need regular interaction, eye contact, physical touch, to be spoken to and engaged with etc. But I think it's also really beneficial for them to have time to crawl around and explore in a safe environment by themselves. We were intentional with both of ours from birth about putting them down in a safe place - starting with just a mat on the floor and then gradually adjusting our childproofing as they became more mobile so that the whole living room was safe for them by toddlerhood - and leaving them to their own devices for periods of time. They are now 5 and 2, neither has any unsupervised screen time (we do family movie night together once a week), have really creative imaginations, and are both usually quite happy to play together or by themselves for up to an hour at a time.

That's clearly not the same as sticking a child in a jumperoo and shutting the door on them, and we never left them to cry for more than a couple of minutes, but there is a middle ground between neglect and needing to be down on the floor playing with your child for 8 hours a day.

@whatabouthow's advice about the space needing to be safe if the caregiver had an accident and it was a few hours until another adult arrived on the scene is sensible.