To feel that many men are totally unprepared and unsuited to domesticity?

[JFDIYOLO]

So many instances shared on Mumsnet of grown men behaving like adolescents.

Spending hours gaming, incapable of regulating their emotions, violent outbursts, dick-led decisions, expecting Mummy 2.0 from their wives, utterly lacking in empathy and care during pregnancy, labour, newborn baby & toddler years, father fails ...

But why is this?

Was it always so, or do we just hear way more now from women who are no longer prepared to put up with it and ready to discuss and share advice?

Should there be some kind of exam, a screening process before they can proceed to the next level of In A Relationship?

Don't blame gaming, my dh games and does more housework than me.

Perfectly possible for both men and women to successfully provide and nurture. All depends on whether you want to.

Sarcasm alert - Yeah it's fundamental that they are incompetent at anything domestic because they are not really human beings after all but sone poor subspecies with learning difficulties

Or perhaps - This proves men are the superior species as they manage to get away with a much better life then them stupid women who take on all the boring stuff and even faff around with dusting the skirting boards rather than living life

No it's not. Women weren't born with a domestic goddess manual in hand. It's just men prefer not to do boring stuff and too many women allow it. It's not some innate desire to do it that makes women do more housework. It's socialisation. There should be equal free time for both partners in a relationship and currently women pick up far too much and consider men's contribution 'helping'. It's not helping to keep your home habitable. It's lazy and unattractive to expect someone else to clean up after you.

I am lying in bed with a cup of tea brought to me by my husband. He is now downstairs sorting laundry, emptying the dishwasher etc. 🤷‍♀️

That's why I'm so glad I'll never need to bother with any of them, anymore.
Set up for life, domesticated or not, they can go to hell.
😂

Great, this old trope again!

People aren’t going to change their minds, but I have noticed a pattern on here. Those that believe that men are ‘genetically programmed’ to be able to hold down a job, spend all their time in their hobby - miraculously able to clean their cars, bikes, golf clubs, just not the bathroom, seem to end up with those sort of men.

Those that think both sexes are capable of looking after themselves and each other, able to hold down a job and clean a house, tend up together.

So, maybe it’s just personal preference, rather than the fact genetic engineering has somehow morphed into the ability to clean a tap with a toothbrush.

Disclaimer: #NAMALT (not all men are like that)

Whenever I see threads of women who complain about being left to do it all, there is usually at least one smart poster asking if he acts the same way at work or his own house was a mess before they moved in together. Sometimes the answer will be that his own house was a mess and other times it will be that he was very neat before he moved in. At work, he always seems to be able to be somewhat organized; at least enough to not get in trouble for it.

The answer to why they leave their female partners with all the household and child-rearing duties is: patriarchy

They believe they are entitled to live of the efforts of their female partners and will kick up a fuss if they do not get what they believe is rightfully their. It's the entire way they view women. At least up until the point they you have daughters and see how they are being treated, then it becomes a problem. Although there are exceptions to this rule as well. Some father can't even see their own flesh and blood as human beings, particularly if said flesh and blood are female.

It's entirely a choice. This sort of behavior is not in either male or female DNA. So if a men leaves you to do it all, it's because he looks down on you.

Because they're too important, silly.

That’s because many women will overlook a great deal to have children. We never talk about it much on MN but where all these women moan about useless men once they’ve had two kids to them it’s the women prioritising having children over having a suitable partner.

The biggest issue for me that most men don’t seem to grasp is the “mental load” women carry. Yes, there are many men that can do domestic tasks when nudged by their partners to do so but it seems to be accepted that women will carry the “mental load” alone- housework, food shopping, booking childcare and kids clubs, booking dental appointments, buying school uniform. The lot.

Many men think they are helpful as they may clean a bathroom when asked or take the bins out but this doesn’t compensate for the mental load women carry.

'Everyone in history' used to think women were 'genetically' mentally inferior. My stepfather spent years telling me that 'genetically' women aren't good drivers and can't hold down management positions.

Women don't have this magic, genetic ability to do housework. I certainly haven't, I can promise you that. I have just been 'trained' into it. Because so many people believe the sort of 'genetic' taradiddle that kept the glass ceiling firmly in place, men still aren't being trained like women are into cleaning. That's why men don't see it. They aren't taught to see it.

The problem isn't that now we think men and women aren't different. It's actually the opposite. Somehow we have gone back to this outdated idea that men and women are SO different that if you exhibit certain tendencies as a man, you must in fact, be a woman, and vice versa.

@Forky1 I've found the best way to deal with the mental load is simply transferring a fair amount of admin jobs to dh. He sorts his out or they don't get done. He then has to deal with the consequences.

That's true in some cases. However, there are also plenty of posters on here who said that their partner was neat, clean and hands-on till marriage or after having children. So if the signs where not there before, how were they supposed to know that is what their partners were really like if they misrepresented themselves before they felt their female partner was unlikely to leave them?

There is also the fact that men are held to different standards. Women are quickly giving the stink eye if (for example) their kids show up in the wrong colors on "purple shirt day", but with father's this lack of planning is laughed off as in "well, he at least his is trying" or his female partner gets the blame. This external dynamic can easily fester and grow within the relationship as well and before you know it you are now Mrs Disney Dad, responsible for all the non-fun child-rearing tasks.

But why is this?

Because they can. The bar is very low for men and some women have low standards.

If they were kicked to the kerb when they started to coast, they'd either remain single or up their game.

Sounds more like people can't divide the labour of life effectively and accept lazy partners.

Snap!

Well yes, there is or should be a screening process. I am always reminding my young adult DC that dating is a discovery phase.

It was probably worse when couples didn’t even live together before marriage.

Yes. But when they get married they revert to stereotypes A lot of men get married to be "taken care" of by a wife.

It’s only going to get worse, in my opinion. My guess is that the men you’re describing are likely from the very first wave of millennials. And just to be clear, I’m from that same era. We were the first generation to grow up alongside evolving technology—starting with brick phones and transitioning to iPhones and so on.

What you’re describing isn’t an isolated issue; it’s part of a larger trend, and I believe it will only intensify as time goes on. The same applies to girls and women, too. When I look at the younger women in my own family, it’s clear there’s little to no preparation for real-life challenges—and honestly, I’m not sorry for saying it.

Many men are fully household trained

Those that aren't we're probably not brought up to be housetrained ... by their parents which included their mothers

And so are some women. I'm one of them. But guess what, I'm here doing it. And acing it. That's the difference.

"But why is this?"

They have lazy bastarditis, that's why.

But if they haven't done so already, I expect it won't be all that long before people come along and start passing the buck and blaming women for enabling men's uselessness. That's what usually happens on threads like this. It won't be his fault. Oh no. It will be his mother's fault for not teaching him how to cook and clean, and do housework. It will be his partner's fault for not putting her foot down and insisting that he step up and do his fair share of household chores.

Some people will never put the blame where it really lies, which is with the sexist, misogynistic patriarchal men who believe that the domestic realm is women's work.