To feel that many men are totally unprepared and unsuited to domesticity?

[JFDIYOLO]

So many instances shared on Mumsnet of grown men behaving like adolescents.

Spending hours gaming, incapable of regulating their emotions, violent outbursts, dick-led decisions, expecting Mummy 2.0 from their wives, utterly lacking in empathy and care during pregnancy, labour, newborn baby & toddler years, father fails ...

But why is this?

Was it always so, or do we just hear way more now from women who are no longer prepared to put up with it and ready to discuss and share advice?

Should there be some kind of exam, a screening process before they can proceed to the next level of In A Relationship?

Doing chores from a young is so important. Not only does it teach you skills and the importance of pulling your weight, it also makes you realise how it feels to be lumbered with chores so you're more likely to have empathy around it.

I agree. It's about respect too and not expecting things to be done for you.

From a very young age my DS was taught to tidy up after himself and now, aged 10, it comes naturally to him. As he gets older he'll start to contribute more so hopefully he'll leave home with an idea of what needs to be done to keep a house running and won't expect chores to be done by someone else.

Haven’t read everything, but I don’t just think that the adage of some men are unprepared is the full story, I think some women are entirely the same. Priorities and perspectives are skewed by too much social media nowadays, and there’s a distinct lack of being able to choose a life partner (if that’s what one wants) as opposed to a sperm donor/good shag and a bit of fun. Successful relationships are built on good judgement, sound communications, shared values and responsibilities, a good bit of tolerance both ways, and it helps if both have practical homebuilding skills, a dual need to start a family, and being intelligent enough to compromise when some of life’s big challenges come along. Get any of these out of balance, and things can start to go badly wrong. You only get one life, so you have to hit some challenges very early in life for things to run smoothly all the way through, otherwise at some point you might see a dream coming to an end and having to make a new start. Never underestimate a little bit of luck as well at various times.

Hysterical much? You need to calm down a bit ..

My ex pretended he couldn't do anything about the house when we first got married. We were both working full time but I was doing everything in top of my job .

Then one drunken night I overheard him bragging to another woman at a party we were at , how his mother taught him to cook , iron , clean and sew so he wouldn't have to rely on a woman .

He could tell by the expression on my face that I had heard everything. His excuse ? " well I could , you let me and you wanted too ".

Things changed after that .

@CantHoldMeDown not always.
My ds have to do certain chores but others, like clearing their grandmothers garden, they get paid for. Ideally, they'd do it for the love of their grandma, but the reality is they'd rather not but grandma doesn't need to do that so a bribe works wonders.

I've seen people on here and other social media saying how wrong it is to give children chores, and they should have the freedom to just be children.
That doesn't stand them in good stead longer term though unfortunately.

DT’s had chores from being small - starting with tidying up their toys, clothes in the laundry basket, making their bed and moving onto emptying the bins, sorting the recycling, emptying the dishwasher and then cooking meals, doing the laundry and cleaning their room. They didn’t get paid for this - it’s part of being in a family.

Many men are completely apathetic about having a family and ‘family life’ so they allow themselves to be railroaded into it by women desperate for kids, and then the apathy just continues because they weren’t bothered and ‘you were the one who wanted kids and all this, not me’ blah blah blah. Women MUST choose life partners very carefully nowadays or risk being lumbered with everything, including a man-child.

Parents both men and women need to teach all of their children how to run a house. My parents did. My brothers can cook and clean. I taught my DS how to cook from 12 and not baking which seems to be what my English friends seemed to focus on, actual cooking meals. I’m English but of Chinese descent.

My DS was paid for chores, no chores no pocket money. He can do everything, cook, clean, iron, he can actually clean better than me.

DH did have some housework expectations when we first lived together, they were not met as I refused. His Mother had a housekeeper so he grew up doing nothing. That changed. It’s why it’s good to live together before marrying.

All that mental load stuff? I have never bought a birthday card or gift for any of his family, that’s his job.

I really think the best thing a mother could do for her sons is to teach them how to be domesticated.

Men make me laugh when they complain that their wives dont want sex with them any more - but let me tell you

Treat a woman like your mother and she isnt going to want to screw your brains out, simple as

I'm hoping as newer generations of women challenge this it will get better and eventually become the norm for men to share the load.

I'm not sure why people keep going on about it's not just the mothers responsibility but the fathers as well.
Well, yes in an ideal world but obviously, these fathers are not up to it so the mothers need to so they can break this stupid cycle.
As mothers, we have a massive impact on how our children turn out so let's not underestimate that.

Its because we live in a patriarchal world and we are forced into gendered roles before we are even born. Girls growing up are expected to learn household roles more than boys are. Girls are expected to be soft and gentle, and look out for other people's feelings. Girls are given dolls etc to care for, whilst boys are given trucks. That's the way we are parented and socialised. It's only in recent years people are more aware of this.

Cooking and cleaning are basic life skills that everyone should learn. This is not in our genetics and it's ridiculous to say it is. There is an element of evolution in the sense that as a species women will invest in a nice stable home to raise strong healthy offspring, whilst as a species men will be unconsciously wired to attract women and spread their genes. But we are the most intelligent species, and we are more than our evolution. We have the level of cognition to think that 'oh, sleeping with and getting as many women pregnant as possible might not be such a good idea'. That's what separates us from animals.

There are still a lot of societal expectations around gender around though, especially from the older generations. My mum still does my 40yo brother's washing (he doesn't live at home) because he 'works hard' and 'men don't want to do anything after work, they want to chill', whereas I, a woman, am expected to get on with it.

@CantHoldMeDown why is it women's fault? . It's men that need to do better.

Same! I’ve also found those same women don’t mind asking for help from “the village” ie. Female friends, and female relatives that they want to rope in to help while they ignore the fact their partner isn’t contributing.

Unless you're in a forced marriage, you're responsible for choosing your partner and you're responsible for what you tolerate.

@JFDIYOLO think a lot depends on parents. Mine brought brothers and I up to be independent. My Mum couldn’t abide the ‘mummy’s boy’ look 😂. Neither of my brothers are the kind to think domestic = women’s work. None of my friends (we’re in our 50s) has a Dh that thinks that either. My nephews and nieces, unsurprisingly, have partners with similar outlook i.e. not solely women’s work

@username299 it's way more complicated than we all have the same 24 hours in a day. Blaming women or making them feel crap for their choices doesn't solve anything.