Is taking toys away acceptable discipline?

[Nespressso]

I’m going to preface this by saying I HAVE READ THE FOLLOWING:
how to talk so kids will listen
explosive child
janet lansbury
big little feelings/ transforming toddlerhood/ dr Becky goodonside etc on insta
sensitive child

so please don’t just say “have you tried offering choices or making it a game?” I have tried all of this, and found none of it works on my 4yo, who is just fucking difficult. I’m not a useless parent as my other child is not at all like this, and is much easier to manage.

basically I’ve tried all of the above books and have come back full circle to maybe she needs stricter discipline as everything we have tried so far has not worked. However everyone now says parents shouldn’t do time outs or remove toys, so what on earth am I allowed to do? We aren’t allowed to shout, so what on earth do you do with a child where all the soft stuff DOESNT WORK

problems mainly with playing up (refusing, whining, writhing about) when asked to do ANYTHING, so mainly transitions and initiating tasks (eg go and wash hands, get your socks on, etc) we already do
all the prep work for transitions (eg daily routine, warnings for time (5 mins, 1 min etc) picture chart routines. Tried it all. What do we do when she still messed about? What sanction / punishment for bad behaviour?

we do all the scaffolding, rewards, validating feelings, etc etc and it’s all carrot and no stick. What metaphorical stick do people actually use? (Obviously I’m not suggesting physical punishment) but I am lost. I have tried all the good stuff and hard work and it’s not helped one bit. But I feel the minute anyone suggests putting their child into time out they are told it’s abusive etc but I’m at a loss with where to go. She doesn’t respond like my other child who is just generally more amenable and easier to manage.

All I can say is that I took toys away occasionally & my two boys are now 10 and 13 and seem to have survived! We have close loving relationships, they're doing well socially and academically, home life is calm and absolutely everyone praises their social skills and good manners (I get it a lot from other parents after play dates for example). My youngest really needed very strong boundaries and I think would've been a bit of a horror without them TBH. People telling you that your child will be irreparably damaged because you took away their Bluey play set a couple of times when they were four are absolutely wild.

I think I was lucky though in knowing quite a few families with older children who were clearly nice happy kids, so I just looked at what they did and copied it. I never read parenting books!

I don't understand how time outs work so I cant comment on that. (Not being disingenuous but genuinely how does it work? I mean won't a child just get up and leave the time out? And then it becomes another thing you need to make them do?)

I have read the same books. And I will also highly recommend

1. It's ok not to share
2. How to talk so LITTLE kids will listen

Both of them give you an arsenal of tools to use. If choice r gamefying doesn't work.try something else.

Sometimes however nothing works and we just need kids to to cooperate and sometimes a reverse carrot (ie essentially a threat) is the only thjng that works. The trick is to.use it as rarely as possible and to follow through on it so it's not an empty threat. In our house it's screen time but in your house thwt could be a toy

What happens when you take a toy away.and what exactly do you say before doing it? Does it help? If it helps abd nothing else does (and sometimes nothing else will) then do it. I used to go to great lengths at that age to justify what is essentially a punishment by dressing it up as a natural consequence but honestly sometimes I.myself feel it's just stupid. Not everything has a natural and IMMEDIATE consequence. So now instead I'm just honest with my 3 year old and say that i really need them to do x but I'm at the end of my wits of how to get them to do it so the only thing I can think of is to motivate them by taking away y (for a short fixed amount of time)..

This thread is depressing for what this generation of kids could grow up to be when they have been completely pandered too.

I'm all for gentle parenting and trying not to shout but in my opinion sometimes kids need to see the effect their behaviour is having on you. Yes I sometimes shout or get frustrated. If my child won't put their shoes on after I've asked 5 times, gave them a warning we were going out etc, then I pick them up and put them in the car with no shoes, and I'll put them on when we get there and they are strapped in their car seat. If they won't do what I've asked, I will remove toys, it usually focuses their attention pretty quickly.

If they won't sit at a table and eat with dinner, then no food until they do - I'm not going to serve some tapas style food as other posters have suggested, I'll reheat their food when they finally sit at the table.