Was my Christmas Day "abstemious"?

[romanfriendsandcountrywomen]

I'm a little bit nonplussed because my brother's new girlfriend apparently found Christmas Day at our house "nice but more abstemious than she's used to". However, I'm also now wondering if I was perhaps a bit boring....

Present on Xmas day : DH, me, DD (19), DS (15), my parents (late 70s), DB (43), DB newish girlfriend (30 something) my niece (DB's daughter, 16.)

People arrived at 11am. It's morning so I offered teas and proper coffees etc while we opened presents. At 12.00 I opened 2 bottles of M&S sloe gin fizz (admittedly only 4% alcohol but lovely and nicer than Buck's Fizz imo) and everyone had a glass while finishing opening the presents.

About 1.00 I we had champagne and nibbles- probably about 1.5 bottles of fizz and lots of nibbly things )

Full Xmas dinner at 3.00. (Turkey, pigs in blankets, 2 stuffings, roast potato, roast carrots and parsnips, sprouts, broccoli, cauliflower cheese, Yorkshires, Christmas pudding and chocolate log.) Opened 2 bottles of red wine.

After dinner we played games and finished off the red wine and champagne. I made the traditional Christmas snowball for the teenagers. Lots of adults had one as well despite laughing at them! (Advocat, lemonade, line juice, cocktail cherry perched artistically on top!)

About 9.00 we watched a film and had cheese. I offered to open more wine and we also offered port or baileys but people were full so most just had a cup of tea.

People went to bed or got an uber about midnight.

I thought it had been a lovely day so the abstemious comment had thrown me a bit. Girlfriend is from a bigger family with lots of siblings who all bring partners and apparently it's a more "adult" affair. She was surprised there were no spirits or cocktails as apparently she doesn't really drink wine and drinks vodka cranberry/ vodka coke. We don't drink spirits so it never occurred to me and I did wonder why she couldn't have brought her own but I haven't said anything.

So there were 7 adults and 2 teens and we had 4 bottles of wine/ fizz, a couple of bottles of low alcohol fizz and snowballs, port and baileys offered. Over 12 hours apparently this isn't a lot.

Be honest. Was my Xmas day a bit boring? I probably should have asked what she liked to drink...

She sounds like an ungrateful drunk, who should learn not to spew every stupid thought she has.

i think the db is in the wrong for passing on her message
perhaps she wont be with him next year

Yes, a bottle of wine per person plus a Snowball cocktail would count as quite a lot per person in our household as well 🤷‍♀️

I’ve been in households that drink more, and I’ve been in households that drink less. I can’t say I’ve ever given it that much thought before! We’ve always had plenty of alcohol in the house, of various types, and people are welcome to drink whatever they want.

As an aside, abstemious was a new word for me too. And I work as a professional writer! 🫣 I guessed what it meant as it’s fairly easy to figure out. It was appreciated though; I do enjoy unexpectedly learning something new!

I’m not surprised that others are familiar with the word, but I am surprised that some people are describing it as an everyday word. Perhaps it’s a generational thing? The books mentioned here that include the word are slightly more genteel, and a tad old-fashioned. I’m no spring chicken but I wonder if it’s a word that’s fallen out of use?

It’s a fabulous word and very descriptive in a way that a simple “ boring ” isn’t. So if nothing else, I’m happy to have learnt something tonight!

Ungrateful bitch is my first reaction. It sounds lovely. I’ve never hosted anyone who drinks and has turned down wine in favour of vodka and coke 🤮I think she could have asked but more appropriately would have been to bring this if that’s her drink of choice. I’ve also never been offered spirts over dinner beyond a g&t or cocktail on arrival and fizz is more standard. Did she make any contribution?

Ok, I've looked up abstemious, new word to me, but I can reflect on my own experience here.
Spent lovely Christmas with our in laws, almost completely alcohol free (which suits me), but I missed the lovely cheeses I like to indulge in, choc biscuits for brekkie, ice cream for tea, maybe silly games or daft dancing. It's all very traditional and civilised but the olds are in their 80s so perhaps that's a factor too.

I love my in laws and they are great, and yes I could have brought extra food but it was tricky to get here for lots of reasons so I didn't. So perhaps she's just saying her Christmas's are more indulgent, more alcohol fuelled perhaps, more of what she likes ?

Probably she shouldn't have said anything but we encourage honesty so it's a fine line.
Hosting Christmas kind of means you get to choose what happens, so maybe it's her turn.

I’ve christmased in three families. It’s positively luxurious compared to my childhood and ex-h families. My DP family would be very similar. It’s a large family with a range of kids, teens, 20s & 40s-60s. Most drink simmlar to you but there were other drinks (eg spirits & mixers) at the “bar”, I believe anyone who wanted something specific brought it. In terms of quantity , duration and entertainment yours also sounds like lots going on. We might have a party game or two but mostly just chatting (v large family so lots of people to catchup with) and people started retiring around 9pm with last ones in bed by 1am (youngsters who did drink and play party games).

For context, me and my sister drank 2 bottles of prosecco, 1 bottle of champagne and 4 bottles of white wine between us on Christmas day. Obviously spread over 10+ hours, I went to bed very tipsy but was definitely not at the loud and embarrassing stage!

We would have had a glass of champagne or sparkling wine over brunch but would have been drinking less by the evening, so would have balanced out with yours.

I can't really imagine offering up vodka cocktails on christmas day. I associate spirits as what young people drink to basically get drunk, not something you have with your Christmas lunch. Cocktails can be really strong & we don't actually want to spend the day pissed. We are only in our thirties, there'd probably be gin & tonic available but it wouldn't be offered at lunch, that would be served with red or white wine.

It sounds a little abstemious yes. The portioning out of the wine/champagne in each "activity" seems a bit.... frugal. In our house we would just be opening bottle after bottle as needed and no inventory ticked off or list taken.

I suppose it also depends on what good hosting looks like to you.

For me Christmas Day is also an opportunity for me to see the presents being opened and enjoy some of the atmosphere and activities.We tend to host because we have a bigger house, so many of the relatives at the day have never hosted themselves and never will because of circumstances.

If - in addition to providing a lovely meal and cleaning the place to a level that people can visit and looking after over night guests - there is an additional hosting obligation to ensure everyone's glass is topped up at all times, then that would be too much for me. We actually let people get their own drinks mostly because everyone drinks different things. It's a family occasion, not a hotel festive break.

Yours is positively bacchanalian compared to mine!

I barely think about drinks at Christmas, we did have some cava with the meal. Some beer and wine available. But also soft drinks and tea/coffee.

It’s more about having a good family get together in a too small room in a somewhat chaotic fashion. Obviously some people have booze as a higher priority.

Sounds lovely but not much booze consumed for the amount of time everyone there

But my family enjoy a huge piss up at Xmas

She should have brought some spirit or pre mixed cocktails

Frankly it just sounds as if she said it in passing and it wasn't a criticism but just an observation.

IMO when you are invited to someone's for Christmas or Easter you go with the flow. It might not be what you are used to or like or it might be better! We are much bigger drinkers than you but I think your day sounds fabulous! She sounds very thoughtful in calling you to thank you too.

I love that you used ‘abstemious’! I remember when I first heard it used (of me, for saying no thank you to a top up) when I was in my twenties and I didn’t know it but it was obvious what the meaning was and it’s a great word.

Christmas day is a family tradition however you do it and I don’t think you should feel you have to change it for someone new who joins the family! There are plenty of occasions to ‘party’ around the festive period. As you say, she was just being really honest and didn’t expect him to pass on what she said. I’m sure when I spent Christmas with my partner’s family I would have commented on ways it was different, not expecting it to be heard or intended as a criticism. As long as people don’t feel ‘rationed’ in terms of the food and drink I think it’s fine.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PoliticsandtheEnglishLanguage

Second rule: Never use a long word where a short one will do.

And related to this, 5. Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word, or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.

I'm with Bill Shankly and George Orwell.

Besides being pretentious, I'd argue using an uncommon term over an everyday term is indicative of low intelligence and insecurity.

Abstemious is not that uncommon.

Well, perhaps it's considered a big word if you have a small vocabulary.

Not that uncommon, so you concede it's less common.

As I said, pretentious, with low intelligence and insecurity thrown in.

Oh dear, you really do have a chip on your shoulder, don’t you?

Your're embarrassing yourself.

If you write to MN they'll probably do you the favour of deleting the tripe you are posting.

Did you miss the part about Gin Fizz, Champagne, wine and then snowballs?

As I said, I’m not a big drinker but the host offered a decent amount so shouldn’t worry about snide comments from some guests.

I’m not a big drinker either but 2 bottles of red wine for 7-9 over a meal is scanty.

@ChessorBuckaroo what word would you have used instead?

It sounds lovely and about the amount of booze I'd want. But I think Christmas is one of those times when you can go to someone else's version and it's just weird. Because they do things perfectly normally, but not how you do. I guess she didn't drink much because what was on offer wasn't her thing, and I can see that feeling a bit subdued on Christmas day of all days. But in her position I'd have brought vodka and cranberry.

So I think your hosting was lovely and no one's hugely in the wrong here, except I wouldn't have let the abstemious comment get back to you.

Anyone who thinks abstemious* *is an everyday term, are the type I'm referring to.

Can count on one hand the number of times I've had to Google the meaning of a word in the last year. The querying of the term in this thread alone is sufficient evidence that this is not an everyday term. But let's ignore this thread, what does Google say?

Is abstemious is a common word?

No, "abstemious" is a formal word that is not commonly used

Anecdotal, but I asked my father, a Brain of Britain finalist in the 1970s, did he know the term. He said yes. My next question, is it a common word? No.

Pretentious, low intelligence, and insecure. Those are my three characteristics for people who use such terms outside of academia.