Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was my Christmas Day "abstemious"?

721 replies

romanfriendsandcountrywomen · 29/12/2024 13:36

I'm a little bit nonplussed because my brother's new girlfriend apparently found Christmas Day at our house "nice but more abstemious than she's used to". However, I'm also now wondering if I was perhaps a bit boring....

Present on Xmas day : DH, me, DD (19), DS (15), my parents (late 70s), DB (43), DB newish girlfriend (30 something) my niece (DB's daughter, 16.)

People arrived at 11am. It's morning so I offered teas and proper coffees etc while we opened presents. At 12.00 I opened 2 bottles of M&S sloe gin fizz (admittedly only 4% alcohol but lovely and nicer than Buck's Fizz imo) and everyone had a glass while finishing opening the presents.

About 1.00 I we had champagne and nibbles- probably about 1.5 bottles of fizz and lots of nibbly things )

Full Xmas dinner at 3.00. (Turkey, pigs in blankets, 2 stuffings, roast potato, roast carrots and parsnips, sprouts, broccoli, cauliflower cheese, Yorkshires, Christmas pudding and chocolate log.) Opened 2 bottles of red wine.

After dinner we played games and finished off the red wine and champagne. I made the traditional Christmas snowball for the teenagers. Lots of adults had one as well despite laughing at them! (Advocat, lemonade, line juice, cocktail cherry perched artistically on top!)

About 9.00 we watched a film and had cheese. I offered to open more wine and we also offered port or baileys but people were full so most just had a cup of tea.

People went to bed or got an uber about midnight.

I thought it had been a lovely day so the abstemious comment had thrown me a bit. Girlfriend is from a bigger family with lots of siblings who all bring partners and apparently it's a more "adult" affair. She was surprised there were no spirits or cocktails as apparently she doesn't really drink wine and drinks vodka cranberry/ vodka coke. We don't drink spirits so it never occurred to me and I did wonder why she couldn't have brought her own but I haven't said anything.

So there were 7 adults and 2 teens and we had 4 bottles of wine/ fizz, a couple of bottles of low alcohol fizz and snowballs, port and baileys offered. Over 12 hours apparently this isn't a lot.

Be honest. Was my Xmas day a bit boring? I probably should have asked what she liked to drink...

OP posts:
Commonsense22 · 29/12/2024 20:16

Gem359 · 29/12/2024 19:59

I've never heard of the word I had to look it up, just sounds pretentious to my ear though. I can't imagine using it frequently, you'd have to be some kind of martyr surely?

Would you like a drink? Oh no I'm being terribly abstemious this year.

Would you like some dessert? Oh no I'm abstemious at the moment.

Can you use it in other ways?

Would you like a chocolate? Oh no I'm abstemiating from them.

Do you like sex? Oh no I'm abstemiate.

I reckon the same sort of people who use this word frequently are the same people who have an 'enormous salad' and a 'MN chicken'.

It's often used in the second degree, tongue in cheek. "Ha ha ha, how abstemious of you!" " ha, I was trying to be abstemious " so yes posh if you like, but not used seriously. It's a deliberate use of an elaborate word to overstate a trivial situation.

Original poster
romanfriendsandcountrywomen · 29/12/2024 20:25

DelicateSoundOfEchos · 29/12/2024 18:34

I'd probably be taken aback somewhat by a film being put on rather than music and merriment.

I wouldn't say anything though, I'd just make my excuses to go home at that point.

I've been thinking about this. They arrived at 11am. Film went on at 9 pm. That's 10 hours preceding the film - there was music, dinner, games (card games, Who's in The Bag, Pictionary etc.). By 9.00 I think people were flagging a bit. The thing is, we see each other a lot anyway (with the exception of girlfriend) so it wasn't really a case of catching up or anything. We had a 10 hour Xmas and then felt a bit talked out. I don't think we're massively sociable family so this was a lot for us! Sometimes when my parents come round for Sunday dinner we'll all sit and read afterwards. This is why I'm worrying we are perhaps a bit dull.

I asked DD what she thought but she's a chip off the old block so it suited her just fine. DS I think would have liked something a bit livelier.

OP posts:
Saz12 · 29/12/2024 20:29

IMO 5 bottles between 8 adults (I'm counting all the teens put together as one person) is a bit light for a full Christmas day, but not crazily so.
If I go put to dinner with DH we'll share a bottle of wine, and that seems pretty normal? So 5 between 8 is a small glass before dinner, wine with dinner, and nothing else.
However, the sloe gin fizz sounds amazing! And your day sounds great.

Original poster
romanfriendsandcountrywomen · 29/12/2024 20:31

Im also baffled by the people saying abstemious is a pretentious word. It's not and the girlfriend's lovely (and an English teacher but I know our entire family including teens know and understand the word.

She's called me an hour ago to thank me for the day which is lovely of her. She really is very nice.

Sometimes new people help you see that perhaps things could be a bit different.

OP posts:
Lifeisrelentless · 29/12/2024 20:31

Was it definitely the alcohol she was referring to? Or could it be that there wasn’t unlimited snacks/chocs left out to graze on during day. Was dinner help yourself or portioned out? And did you just have cheese and crackers nothing else at 9pm? It sounds a lovely day regardless but for example when I go to my MIL dinners are put on the plate by her, all portioned out so three potatoes, three carrots, two pigs in blankets etc. there isn’t anything leftover and you can’t help yourself. Whereas at my mums it’s help yourself to as much as you like and she always does loads so there’s lots more if you want it. I’m a bit of a pig at Christmas and don’t like to feel limited haha. But everyone does Christmas differently :)

Takoneko · 29/12/2024 20:32

Jean24601Valjean · 29/12/2024 20:09

I'm about the same age as the girlfriend and I think OP's Christmas sounds wonderful! Personally I don't associate cocktails with Christmas. I'd just expect bubbles, wine and beer. There's enough food logistics to worry about before adding mixers to the mix! I think it's probs more of a different families do it differently thing rather than an age thing.

Show quote history

There are no mixers in the sorts of cocktails I make. 😂

We had manhattans this year, last year was orange bloom martinis, a few years ago it was old fashioneds. I agree, I that it’s not an age thing though. like you say, just what some families do.

Firealarm1414 · 29/12/2024 20:35

It sounds like a lovely day but thats really not a lot of alcohol between that many people. Not necessarily a bad thing but i can see why she might have expected more, its Christmas

Jean24601Valjean · 29/12/2024 20:50

Takoneko · 29/12/2024 20:32

There are no mixers in the sorts of cocktails I make. 😂

We had manhattans this year, last year was orange bloom martinis, a few years ago it was old fashioneds. I agree, I that it’s not an age thing though. like you say, just what some families do.

Show quote history

Lol ok sorry I just liked the turn of phrase 😂and tbf OP mentions mixers heavily.

Point stands that cocktails are much more complicated than wine and beer!

BlueSky2023 · 29/12/2024 20:59

romanfriendsandcountrywomen · 29/12/2024 20:25

I've been thinking about this. They arrived at 11am. Film went on at 9 pm. That's 10 hours preceding the film - there was music, dinner, games (card games, Who's in The Bag, Pictionary etc.). By 9.00 I think people were flagging a bit. The thing is, we see each other a lot anyway (with the exception of girlfriend) so it wasn't really a case of catching up or anything. We had a 10 hour Xmas and then felt a bit talked out. I don't think we're massively sociable family so this was a lot for us! Sometimes when my parents come round for Sunday dinner we'll all sit and read afterwards. This is why I'm worrying we are perhaps a bit dull.

I asked DD what she thought but she's a chip off the old block so it suited her just fine. DS I think would have liked something a bit livelier.

Show quote history

It would be impossible to please everyone, if the majority seemed happy I think that would qualify as a success so I wouldn’t worry about it anymore

paulyispoorly · 29/12/2024 20:59

Christ if she finds that boring she would die at my house ! Sounds like a lovely day

Bloom15 · 29/12/2024 21:16

I do tend to have a few spirits as well as wine and beer but don't expect it when I visit other people's home. If she wanted spirits then she should have brought something.

Although I'd be annoyed that your brother repeated what she said. And the fact she used the word 'abstemious' - how pretentious! Is she prone to hyperbole (I assume she would say this rather than 'exaggeration')?

Youvebeenframed · 29/12/2024 21:26

romanfriendsandcountrywomen · 29/12/2024 20:31

Im also baffled by the people saying abstemious is a pretentious word. It's not and the girlfriend's lovely (and an English teacher but I know our entire family including teens know and understand the word.

She's called me an hour ago to thank me for the day which is lovely of her. She really is very nice.

Sometimes new people help you see that perhaps things could be a bit different.

Whether people know or understand the word or not is by the by …. It’s just not used in “everyday” vocabulary at all.
I’m equally baffled that you think it’s perfectly normal 🥴😂
I have literally never heard anyone say it.
It wouldn’t do for us all to be the same would it 🤷🏼‍♀️
Your Christmas Day sounded perfect to me 🎄

LoveRicePudding · 29/12/2024 21:32

We had non-alcoholic beer and grapefruit radler, so compared with us yours was a proper Saturnalia celebration.
I don't equal alcohol with fun. You can have a great evening and still wake up without even a bit of a hangover.

JazzyBazzy79 · 29/12/2024 21:46

Every family/culture does things differently. It's fine if that is the way you celebrate Christmas :) our Christmas is probably too excessive; far too much food/alcohol/gifts etc but that is how we do things :) our food and alcohol would have been free flowing. perhaps she just celebrates Christmas differently or perhaps guests were hungry if dinner wasn't until 3pm. X

ShowOfHands · 29/12/2024 21:47

CurlyhairedAssassin · 29/12/2024 18:02

As long as people know this in advance I don't see the issue. I would want to bring a chilled bottle of fizz as wouldn't enjoy it at room temperature so I'd like to have a bit of notice to chill it. I would never be so rude as to expect you to get some wine in for your guests if you're a dry household. But I think I'd allso want to know the reason why. Because if you were an ex alcoholic or had trauma issues from an abusive alcoholic parent growing up then I'd hate to put you in that position and would much rather abstain myself for the day so that you wouldn't be uncomfortable.

Show quote history

You sound a lovely and considerate guest.

I've been teetotal for 44yrs and my brother knows exactly why (we were raised by an alcoholic parent). He also knows to bring his own. I actually did offer to get something in for his newish gf (first one in 12yrs) to make her feel welcome but she was more than happy to bring her own.

If I'm honest, I'd prefer never to have alcohol in my home but I say this to nobody and accept and welcome other people who bring their own as it's usually important for their enjoyment.

I also then remember every year that I don't own wine glasses or a corkscrew and have to remind my brother to bring his own.

4pmfireworks · 29/12/2024 22:05

2 bottles of wine with lunch for 9 people is not very much at all. (Or 7 people if the teenagers don't have a glass with lunch).

However, your Christmas day sounds lovely and I think that whoever passed her comment back to you was bloody rude. And she should have brought her own vodka if that's what she wanted to drink.

2Rebecca · 29/12/2024 22:21

There doesn't seem to have been any choice of drink until 9pm

Bloom15 · 29/12/2024 22:31

BIossomtoes · 29/12/2024 14:53

I can’t believe how many people appear never to have heard the word “abstemious”, it’s in pretty common usage with everyone I know.

Really? I knew what it meant but don't generally use it. I work in IT though. And people I socialise with serve loads of food and drink so no need

Jellycats4life · 29/12/2024 22:41

Im also baffled by the people saying abstemious is a pretentious word. It's not and the girlfriend's lovely (and an English teacher but I know our entire family including teens know and understand the word.

I’m 44 years old. I have two degrees (one in English) and I swear I have never heard this word before in my life!

BIossomtoes · 29/12/2024 22:44

Jellycats4life · 29/12/2024 22:41

Im also baffled by the people saying abstemious is a pretentious word. It's not and the girlfriend's lovely (and an English teacher but I know our entire family including teens know and understand the word.

I’m 44 years old. I have two degrees (one in English) and I swear I have never heard this word before in my life!

I don’t know how you’ve managed it. That’s quite a feat.

BettyBardMacDonald · 29/12/2024 22:50

Jellycats4life · 29/12/2024 22:41

Im also baffled by the people saying abstemious is a pretentious word. It's not and the girlfriend's lovely (and an English teacher but I know our entire family including teens know and understand the word.

I’m 44 years old. I have two degrees (one in English) and I swear I have never heard this word before in my life!

Not sure how that happened. I recall reading that word as a little girl let alone as an adult.

It clearly is related to "abstain" which is hardly obscure.

Though I would use "parsimonious" to describe OP's Christmas repast.

Lassofnorth · 29/12/2024 23:06

Maybe absemtious ( I’d never heard that word before) was meant as a compliment !

KilkennyCats · 29/12/2024 23:07

Jellycats4life · 29/12/2024 22:41

Im also baffled by the people saying abstemious is a pretentious word. It's not and the girlfriend's lovely (and an English teacher but I know our entire family including teens know and understand the word.

I’m 44 years old. I have two degrees (one in English) and I swear I have never heard this word before in my life!

How embarrassing.

Lassofnorth · 29/12/2024 23:12

4pmfireworks · 29/12/2024 22:05

2 bottles of wine with lunch for 9 people is not very much at all. (Or 7 people if the teenagers don't have a glass with lunch).

However, your Christmas day sounds lovely and I think that whoever passed her comment back to you was bloody rude. And she should have brought her own vodka if that's what she wanted to drink.

We’ve always got lots of wine ( DH loves to buy nice bottles) but honestly don’t often get through more than two bottles with a meal for 7 . We usually have a pre dinner drink though ( as did the OP)

Bloom15 · 29/12/2024 23:16

ThisIsSockward · 29/12/2024 14:33

She'd hate it at my family's Christmas. Though not all of us are teetotal (by a long shot), we never serve alcohol at family gatherings.

If this comment was delivered through your brother, I'd tell him to keep it to himself next time. There are different ways of doing things, and there was nothing wrong with your way. If he and she want more booze, they can either bring more to share or host and do it their own way, another year.

If you aren't teetotal why do you never serve alcohol?!