Was my Christmas Day "abstemious"?

[romanfriendsandcountrywomen]

I'm a little bit nonplussed because my brother's new girlfriend apparently found Christmas Day at our house "nice but more abstemious than she's used to". However, I'm also now wondering if I was perhaps a bit boring....

Present on Xmas day : DH, me, DD (19), DS (15), my parents (late 70s), DB (43), DB newish girlfriend (30 something) my niece (DB's daughter, 16.)

People arrived at 11am. It's morning so I offered teas and proper coffees etc while we opened presents. At 12.00 I opened 2 bottles of M&S sloe gin fizz (admittedly only 4% alcohol but lovely and nicer than Buck's Fizz imo) and everyone had a glass while finishing opening the presents.

About 1.00 I we had champagne and nibbles- probably about 1.5 bottles of fizz and lots of nibbly things )

Full Xmas dinner at 3.00. (Turkey, pigs in blankets, 2 stuffings, roast potato, roast carrots and parsnips, sprouts, broccoli, cauliflower cheese, Yorkshires, Christmas pudding and chocolate log.) Opened 2 bottles of red wine.

After dinner we played games and finished off the red wine and champagne. I made the traditional Christmas snowball for the teenagers. Lots of adults had one as well despite laughing at them! (Advocat, lemonade, line juice, cocktail cherry perched artistically on top!)

About 9.00 we watched a film and had cheese. I offered to open more wine and we also offered port or baileys but people were full so most just had a cup of tea.

People went to bed or got an uber about midnight.

I thought it had been a lovely day so the abstemious comment had thrown me a bit. Girlfriend is from a bigger family with lots of siblings who all bring partners and apparently it's a more "adult" affair. She was surprised there were no spirits or cocktails as apparently she doesn't really drink wine and drinks vodka cranberry/ vodka coke. We don't drink spirits so it never occurred to me and I did wonder why she couldn't have brought her own but I haven't said anything.

So there were 7 adults and 2 teens and we had 4 bottles of wine/ fizz, a couple of bottles of low alcohol fizz and snowballs, port and baileys offered. Over 12 hours apparently this isn't a lot.

Be honest. Was my Xmas day a bit boring? I probably should have asked what she liked to drink...

Well, I think your Christmas Day sounds perfect, but I must admit that it is almost exactly the same as what we do when hosting, so perhaps I'm not the best person to comment.
I've now spent a few Christmas Days with various in laws of my adult children and have come to realise that families do things very differently.
I would never comment though.
I think the comment made was quite rude to be honest and what you describe certainly isn't what I'd call an abstemious Christmas Day!

Your Christmas doesn't sound particularly abstemious, but if the only thing she likes to drink wasn't on offer (not through your fault, and not necessarily hers either - just a difference of expectations) then she'll have had a much more sober Christmas than she's used to.

I only have a couple of glasses of wine on Christmas Day, but if I went to a family where they only had beer and spirits and was asked afterwards how it was I'd reply "dry ".

Some people have only had very narrow experiences and think that if they experience the event done differently, it’s wrong.

By 30’s most will have had Christmas elsewhere but some won’t. It reminds me of The Royle Family who lacked the imagination to see something different to what they were used to.

Youd be surprised how many people are quite rigid in their expectations.
It could well be that her comment though wasn’t intended for you and she’d be horrified to think it was passed on. It might have been a private and honest comment to a brother - an observation not criticism.

I recall my DH and I discussing how our family christnases differed when we first had them together. No doubt one of us would have commented on more/less booze or games or people or food or snacks available….bot criticism, just observation of difference. And intended for only our ears, not to be passed onto hosts and absolutely not criticism or suggestion anyone should change anything.

Could be Op is z little sensitive to what wasn’t actually a criticism at all.

And what was offered sounds lovely. Lots will go more over the top and lots will do less. Both absolutely fine and can be good hosting. It sounds friendly and considerate if guests - main conditions of hosting met absolutely fine.

You could start a whole other thread on this. I find it interesting that so many people say they don't know what the word means yet claim to be a writer or author or do a lot of reading. Even if I wouldn't assume that the person only wrote/read chic lit, I probably WOULD assume that they've never read any classics. And in all honestly I would assume that they hadn't read very widely as even if you had never come across that word before you could use your knowledge of a word that you HAD come across before like abstain, absention, abstinence,to gather what the meaning most likely is.

But OP wasn't catering for a dinner party or evening drinks, it was a Christmas Day daytime sit down meal. I've had 54 Christmas days in various locations and vodka has never featured at any of them.
At our own CD the young adults bought and enjoyed their own alcopops after the meal. I don't see it as my duty to pay for that, what with already having paid for a christmas dinner and accompanying wine and fizz.

Sounds superb. I’ll come to yours instead of her next time. Pop me a DM.

Absolutely no-one was trolled by lunchtime in our house 😂. As I said earlier, more than a thimble full of alcohol on here and folk are classed as alcoholics.

Sounds lovely, nobody needs to be plastered on Christmas day. Your dinner sounds divine too

Ooops, I misread lol

Oh poor you! Too many sentences starting with a "No" there. I'd add "No fun" too.

Fair enough attending Mass on Christmas Day if you're religious. But I find visiting various graves specifically on that day rather ghoulish. Life is for the living. Toast the dead later on. Not one of those dead relatives would want you to disturb Christmas Day to go and sit by a patch of soil with some bones in. Their souls would all be having a laugh at the bar in Heaven.

Probably drinking what else but......spirits!

I'll get my coat.

I would rather all my guests are catered for. At least 3 people at our table on CD, myself included, don’t drink wine or fizz, so I would be ensuring that they have something to drink. And yes that includes spirits

Sounds like you had a lovely and so did the people who really matter. Perhaps it wasn't what she's used to, but that doesn't make it boring. Next time she can spend it with her own family or friends.

Very rude of her. If she only drinks something specific, she should have brought her own. Your offering sounds completely normal to me.

Excellent point! Wonder if the brother would like it if she told her family what he’d said about their hosting? But I suppose this is mumsnet where admitting you like more than a thimbleful of wine at a social occasion makes you a raging alcoholic.

Your brother was out of order repeating her comments

But, she had a good time. I wouldn't make a big deal out of this

And you should continue the traditions that suit your family. My DC prefer a calm Christmas Day, so we usually have guests around 12 to 4pm, no games. Just a nice lunch and a walk. Each to their own. Extroverts and big drinkers don't necessarily have the monopoly on successful gatherings .....

Yep, when the DM gets hold of it it's a surefire way for the brother's girlfriend to know this thread is EXACTLY about her. 😆

Obviously this isn’t directed at the OP’s future sister in law (maybe) but just word snobs in general…
I know someone who is an English literature teacher and majored in it and is always flaunting her vocabulary and I find it quite irritating. It’s often done with people who aren’t as educated as her or to prove herself in certain company. It really bothers me and I don’t know why.

I think in part because I find it to be not particularly clever ? You read a book from 1756 and you memorised some words &
now you use them to make others feel inferior and behind in the conversation.

Reminds me of the Kipling poem - sitting with kings nor losing your common touch - there’s something far more gentile about speaking in a way that anyone can understand and with humility.

We had a very similar set up with me and dh, our dc (13 and 17), my parents (late 60s), my brother and his newish girlfriend and my nieces (16 and 15).

DB and his newish squeeze described the day as "wholesome"!

I didn't provide any alcohol at all. The rule is that people bring their own. I cook everything and I go to great lengths to make sure there are multiple starters, various stuffings, 8 veg options, 3 meats, vegan options, multiple puddings, nibbles and buffet options into late afternoon and evening and so on. I buy lots of soft drinks options and have ice and garnishes but if you want to drink, you need to bring your own.

I probably am abstemious (completely dry actually) but would be gutted if this were the thing people judged my hosting on.

Your day sounds lovely. She should have brought her own drinks with her if there was something really specific she wanted to drink

Sounds lovely, and sort of similar to our's, although I didn't offer baileys or port later on, we just finished off the wine, and there were a few driver's who were on the soft drinks. Although in my house, everyone knows to ask for something if they want it, or help themselves. So I do have vodka and gin, although we rarely drink it so I often forget to offer. But if anyone wanted it they know just to ask, is it ok to help myself to a G&T?

Gosh, Brits drink alot!

I'm not always wanting to be topped up though. It makes it very hard to know what I've already had, and to pace myself. I once made a total fool of myself at a party where I didn't know many people because DH's colleage sitting at our table just kept topping me up. I had no idea how much I was drinking because I never saw the level on my glass get any lower, and I was quite nervous with people I didn't know, making small talk and eating the food so was just sipping without even being conscious of it.

So I am wary of topping people up automatically. I will always ask "do you want me to just top you up or do you prefer to do it yourself?"

The problem is that brother fed back the girlfriend’s private comment to Op.

The comment wasn’t made to Op. Couples have private conversations and say things which are intended for each others’ ears only. Such a comment could easily have been observation of f difference to what she’s used to, not criticism.

Perhaps Op asked brother how gf had found Christmas?? Perhaps Heather volunteered the comment?? The way brother reported it led to Op feeling criticised and this thread. Perhaps Op is overly sensitive?? Perhaps the doesn’t like the new gf?? Either way, it would have been better for brother not to report the comment. I hope he also said ‘she said she had a lovely day’ - wouldn’t be surprised at all if she said this - but Op omitted it.

Maybe brother is desperate to impress new gf. Perhaps he’s been made starry eyed by her seeming sophistication re cocktails etc and the old usual family Christmas doesn’t seem exotic?? Those leaving the family nest can become critical of the home traditions when they experience different stuff.

Who knows really. But brother didn’t help by relating the comment.

Sounds perfect to me !

I absolutely could take a stab at what the word meant - but what would be the point in doing that, when I can Google and know for definite what it means? It was merely a comment that it is not a word that exists in my personal sphere.

My Husband is a science fiction author and hadn't come across the word either.