To think this is off? Parents…

[BunnyLily]

So I’m 50years old and an only child. Separated with two young children. It’s always been an awkward relationship with my parents as I really don’t think they are child people and have never told me they love me or hugged where as I always do to my two.
they think I’m still an adolescent I think. I smoke roll ups and they constantly telling me to give up or to sweep my nub ends up which I do every so often… I said if you didn’t keep on I will give up for myself!
They are constantly obsessed with what I eat and if they see me eating something unhealthy I get a nose turned up. They have paid for me to go on diet jabs which I’ve lost a lot of weight and they keep saying ‘oh you look loads better’ where as I was doing it for me to be healthy. They recently commented that I had bags under my eyes so for Xmas they bought me some special cream to use… now I keep getting asked if I’ve used it and being told how good it is and it really works!
The kids were at their Dads over Xmas and they were coming back Boxing Day to me. I had missed them and wanted them back.. Mom n Dad said ah if they’ve enjoyed it they can stay another night and we can cancel their meals for Boxing Day! I was like ‘I really want to see my kids!’
They look after them when I’m at work and I do appreciate it but they would rather spend time looking after and helping other people than my children.
they are great with helping me with finances and always have been. I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable with all of this or if I’ve got a point?

Do you live with them?

I think your parents have an opinion because you rely on them so much, if you want them to stop treating you as a child then stop acting like one. Make your own way financially for a start, clean up after yourself- why would you want you dirty fag ends left laying around for your kids to see? Wildlife to pick up? It’s not difficult- my DH smokes and we have a metal bucket he throw his ends in and empties. If you rely on them for childcare then they’re also going to have an opinion on the children.

All sounds pretty standard, OP. They’re obviously showing their love for you in the ways they know how to, which are just different to yours, not necessarily better or worse. Who are the other people they’re helping besides your kids?

They’re absolutely right about the smoking btw.

I'm sorry your childhood sounds pretty lonely but honestly I think you are acting pretty childishly due to the resentment.

Please use an ashtray rather than dropping your butts. Start appreciating the support they are giving you. Model the behaviour you want from your children when they grow up.

If you act like a mature independent grown up who can raise the children you decided to have they may start treating you like one

You either have to be more independent from them, or put up with it I'm afraid.
And to be honest, the examples you've given really aren't that bad!

If you want them to stop treating you like an adolescent stop acting like one:

Sweep up after yourself
Pay for your own weight loss treatment
Sort out proper childcare so you’re not relying on them

You can’t expect them to pay for things for you and look after your kids for free and then be annoyed they’re not treating you like an adult who can stand on your own two feet!

Thanks for your replies … I do clean up the nub ends by the way and I don’t smoke in the house at all it’s all outside.
Guess it’s just quite suffocating at times being an only one and they focus on what I eat and my weight and my appearance.
financially I would struggle without their help and I honestly don’t know what I’d do without them in that case.
They help all their friends and relatives. They’ve never had the kids overnight so I’ve never had a social life mainly due to controlling x too. And I don’t get any help on a daily basis with anything.., everything is down to me which I’m not complaining about but it would be nice to have a bit of help sometimes.

When you rely on your parents for financial support, they do tend to feel they can have a say about how you live your life

Stand on your own two feet, then you can put in the boundaries you want

You sound like a massive child and your parents sound loving and supportive. YABU

You said you are 50? You sound 15. Everything your parents are talking about sounds about right if you are so dependent on them. They help with your kids, financially help you, care about your health and you think they are a problem?

I'm sure they want you to
Stop smoking and eat better as they love you.

Also just use an ashtray!

Wow, it sounds like they help you a lot already? Financially, practically (watching kids while you work) etc etc. What else do you want? "Rather spend their time helping other people"...what time is left after already doing your childcare?

They treat you like a child because you are still quite dependent on them.

Your parents help financially and take care of your children while at work, yet you say they are more interested in helping other people?
What help greater than childcare and money are they providing these other people?

I appreciate being a single parent is tough but you still sound quite dependent on your parents for financial and practical childcare support for a woman in her 50s which probably adds to them infantilising you a bit

Only cleaning up your fag ends "every so often" is rank so fair enough that they point that out.

The emotional stuff - look, it's not ideal but probably of their generation. The money and childcare is showing they care. You aren't going to change them into huggy, gushing people now, it's too late. I would focus on what they do for you.

Your children need you to be as healthy as you can be. You're 50, overweight, a smoker, emotionally immature and they have limited extended family. Time to make changes to improve their long-term chance of happiness. New Year is the perfect time to start.

Only clearing up fag ends etc "every so often" is not cool when you have kids around. Do you live with your parents?

Why are you blaming them for your not giving up? Just do it!

You don’t get daily help? Apart from the money that’s paying for your lifestyle you couldn’t do without, including your fags, the free childcare, the weight loss jabs at hundreds a month?

They go above and beyond on a daily basis love, and all you do is moan it’s not enough.

If you can manage alone then do so. If you can’t then suck it up.

Is this a joke?

they think I’m still an adolescent I think

I don't even know you and yet I'm thinking this was written by a 15 year old.

Oh, and sweep up your fag ends without being asked.

You say you don't have a social life because they've never had the kids overnight but then also say that is mainly due to controlling ex husband.

I'm sorry you had a horrible husband but do you think perhaps you are blaming your parents for something that is much more a product of your bad marriage than their fault?

You can have a social life without grandparents taking children overnight - you can pay for an evening sitter until midnight and still go to the pub. You can arrange social activities during the day and pay for a sitter or do it while the kids are at an activity/party.

I imagine your parents are worried about you - unhappy marriage, difficult finances, poor health choices. That might then feel like they are suffocating you a bit because you know deep down that those worries are founded in reality?

You are looking for love to be expressed through hugs and visible emoting as well as ongoing financial support. They are possibly expressing love through being worried about you and trying to find practical solutions like weight loss jabs for those issues?

People express care in different ways.

You sound so ungrateful. It’s a massive undertaking for them to be looking after your kids while you are at work. Not all grandparents would be that supportive.

Ok so what I failed to mention is that I work two jobs too…
they have always made me grateful and I am extremely thankful for what they have done for me.
As a child I was heavily restricted from eating anything remotely unhealthy. Sweets and chocolate was hidden and banned. I only have to russel a wrapper and I get asked what I’m eating. It’s made me crave sweets and chocolate throughout my life so I’ve struggled with my weight. I’m not overweight and I exercise every day.
it would be nice to make my own choices and not be criticised. If I want my hair a certain way I get told how to have it done or what colour to have. The list goes on and honestly it’s suffocating at times.

Then move out?

So they help you financially, they help you with your children, they have to remind you to clear up after yourself and they have to pay for your medical treatments?

And yet you find it surprising they still think of you as a child?

I don't see what point you can have, they sound like they are bending over backwards for you. What are you hoping for from this thread - for people to side with you on normal, conversation points where you didn't quite agree?

If they have paid a lot of money for you to get weight loss jabs, then obviously they will then have an opinion on you eating badly.

Nobody is going to come on this thread and say that you should leave cigarette butts all over the place, it's mostly adults on this thread, it's time to grow up a bit.

I am extremely thankful for what they have done for m

No you’re not.

it would be nice to make my own choices and not be criticised

Stop taking the money and free childcare.

Why haven’t you answered whether or not you live with them? How old are your children?

You're not listening to the unanimous advice you’ve received to stand on your own two feet, support yourself and your kids independently and act like the adult you are. Stop wanging on about perceived woes from 40+ years ago.