To think this is off? Parents…

[BunnyLily]

So I’m 50years old and an only child. Separated with two young children. It’s always been an awkward relationship with my parents as I really don’t think they are child people and have never told me they love me or hugged where as I always do to my two.
they think I’m still an adolescent I think. I smoke roll ups and they constantly telling me to give up or to sweep my nub ends up which I do every so often… I said if you didn’t keep on I will give up for myself!
They are constantly obsessed with what I eat and if they see me eating something unhealthy I get a nose turned up. They have paid for me to go on diet jabs which I’ve lost a lot of weight and they keep saying ‘oh you look loads better’ where as I was doing it for me to be healthy. They recently commented that I had bags under my eyes so for Xmas they bought me some special cream to use… now I keep getting asked if I’ve used it and being told how good it is and it really works!
The kids were at their Dads over Xmas and they were coming back Boxing Day to me. I had missed them and wanted them back.. Mom n Dad said ah if they’ve enjoyed it they can stay another night and we can cancel their meals for Boxing Day! I was like ‘I really want to see my kids!’
They look after them when I’m at work and I do appreciate it but they would rather spend time looking after and helping other people than my children.
they are great with helping me with finances and always have been. I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable with all of this or if I’ve got a point?

I hope you have gathered from the responses you have received on here that you are being massively unreasonable?
You started out by saying your parents support you financially and with child care, when people pointed out you were being ungrateful you back tracked and said it was small amounts of money and a little bit of child care! You can't change the narrative just to get people to agree with you, people can see what you are doing.
Sweep your fag ends up immediately without being asked to do so, you are in your 50's not a sullen teenager.

You've gone from saying they don't help you to they offer a day a week childcare in the holidays. That's not bad going. They have also helped you financially.

Perhaps they aren't particularly affectionate or great with words but they are from a different generation.

And leaving cigarette butts around and occasionally clearing them up is quite grim.

They do give you money from time to time which you have said you depend upon.
They also look after your kids.
They paid for your weight loss jabs.

I am a decade younger than you and I last got financial help from my parents at 25. And that was a flight ticket. I didn’t rely on them between 20-25 either. DH and I paid for our own wedding. Never had childcare help as they live on a different continent. And have never asked them for anything. Same with DH. In fact in the last ten years I have regularly sent money to my parents to supplement their pension rather than taking money from them. And DH’s parents lived with us so we could look after them when his dad got sick.

So yes I am an adult in every which way? Why are you making it sound as if being an adult at 50 is a big deal? Your parents must be 70 at least. It is surely the bare minimum…

You've contradicted every single thing you have said. Every single thing, and you ask why people are questioning you. If you haven't said you're 50 I would have said you're in your 20s with young kids who needed this kind of help from your parents.

They have a say because they help you out. I don't blame them. But then everything sounds too entwined.

Ok so I get help one day a week in the holidays and financial in small amounts here and there.. I haven’t said any different and have no reason to? I said I don’t get much help with childcare (which I don’t) there are seven days and nights in a week and not many weeks are school holidays. And I said I got financial help but again never specified how much?! Why on earth would I back track when there is no need to?! That’s where these threads get confusing as reading the post it looks different to what I’m trying to say.

But thanks… being in my 50’s I’ve obviously supported myself over many various periods of my life. Times are hard with two children and being newly single. All of my wages go on bills. Whatever is left on UC is spent on the kids and paying for food / clothes and whatever else. My parents like to help and without them I couldn’t survive at times. But I know if my kids were in trouble financially I would help them wherever I could but it wouldn’t give me a free pass to control them when they are adults with their own kids.

I don't smoke roll ups and leave the ends lying around
I don't get my parents to help with my finances
I don't rely on people for free childcare
I don't get my parents to pay for medical treatment

Just a few of the ways that I act like an adult on a daily basis

Do you live with them?

Ah thanks for clarifying what it means to be an adult!
No, I don’t and haven’t since I was 18.

Interesting how quickly stories change once responses start coming in.

Just grey rock them and play the game of life.

Comments like they are making can only hurt you if you let them.

@BunnyLily , no harm sweetheart, but you, in your opening posts, said that. you rely on them for child support and financially , its only when responses have come in that you have chosen to drip feed and change the narrative

So in reply to the hard facts, the bits you havent changed, If you are smoking in their garden, use an ashtray or flower pot or a tin or something, dont be flicking your ends across the garden. I have houseguests that smoke, they get given an empty jam jar to use, Id go ape if I was finding their butts lying about the garden

Your parents paid for your weightloss injections - certainly not cheap, and now you are back rustling wrappers on the QT, and at your own admission, crave sweet stuff. So your parents are trying to keep you on the straight and narrow , trying not to see their money going to waste, and thats wrong?

Im sorry op if theres stuff happening that you arent articulating. Drip feeding isnt the way to go though. From what you have managed to get up, your parents are dammed if they do or dont. You are an only child, they are lavishing you the best of their ability. Suck it up or stand on your own two feet

YABVU

Good lord grow up (and pay for your own medication)

I'm an only as well OP and I recognise some of this. If you're at all close, I think because there's no one else to share the scrutiny, sometimes you don't have the space to go off and develop yourself out of the laser beams of their attention- I'm not talking physical availability/ distance. So when they innocently or well meaningful stumble across things that we feel undermine our autonomy, our reaction is to repel them.

My parents have previously suggested things for me that I've already decided to do independently or have been looking in to for myself. I back away from these things completely and wait awhile before doing them because parents now somehow feel along for the ride and I won't feel independent. It can look teenage but it's a way of claiming back mental space. You should clean your cigarettes up more though, that does sound a bit grim!

I also think of my mothers love as a blunt instrument. My mum means well but says things about my appearance or does things like give "helpful" presents that are unsolicited and frankly offensive. Focus on the intention rather than the method. It can be hard though when they have an opinion on everything and no one to distract. I erected some barriers. Clipped messages on text etc and stock chat phrases like "did you really need to pass comment on that?" "Why do you always swing the conversation around to this?", "Why do you always comment on appearance above all else? It's so vapid and shallow and boring".

I have a friend who is one of two who has disentangled herself but I think this is mostly an only child thing. I can't pass comments on parts of your lifestyle but the balance between you and them sounds familiar to me so do message if you'd like. I can't quite explain it - and I love my parents - but it's definitely a thing.

If you don't live with your parents it certainly sounds like you spend lots of time there; presumably they are asking you to clear cigarette butts at their house, rather than yours, and saying "we can cancel dinners for the DC" sounds like you are with them.

Your solution is to spend less time with them, which shouldn't be a problem, given you don't rely on them financially or for childcare (despite what was written in your OP).

Try to count your many blessings, Op.
You are an only child so YOU are the only object of their parenting.
They care about your health. It is polite for them to ask you to clear up your smoke ends.
My parents insisted their son give up smoking before they would help with any financial assistance. He did, and thirty years later, it is the best thing they did for him. (They helped with a house deposit but the non smoking has meant that he had excess money for bills and excess good health for playing with his kids and representing his country in sport!)
You owe it to your kids to be there, to be healthy, and smoking is the most selfish occupation.
You sound quite self centred. Try joining a local charity. (maybe go along with your folks) Help people more desperate than you and your mind might put your problems back into perspective..

In the kindest way op you say your 50 with your own children you should have your own life sorted out by now.
You should be on your own feet not depending on your parents.
We all have hard time in life i have but we get on with it we are grown ups.
You smoke so what i smoke but this is not about smoking is it really,
You say you wont cope without your parents what happens when there dead.
You really need to start your own life.

You've said they don't support you and that they do support you in the same thread. Stop amoking then yo might be able to have money to not be financially dependent on them.

I understand that it can be hurtful and frustrating when parents focus on things like weight and appearance... But you do sound quite immature and ungrateful.

Ozempic isn't cheap, and you have chosen to let them pay for the injections. You are continuing the cycle of them being able to comment because you take their money. You accepted the eye cream etc.

You can't have it both ways...

Either you sit them down and establish boundaries (no comments on appearance etc) and refuse all financial input in these areas... Or you gratefully accept their help, be proud of your weightloss and don't focus on the negatives.

And not immediately removing your cigarette ends is vile. They should be disposed of after every cigarette.
Children and wildlife (and other humans in general) don't need to be around them.

None of this is about being an only child (which you seen very fixated on). A lot of us have parents who comment on weight and health and are overbearing in general.

You are an adult. You CAN change the dynamic within your relationships.

I wouldn’t even leave one ‘nub’ at my parents house, let alone allow so many to accumulate that they need to be ‘swept up’.

Surely you just know that it’s not your place to decide when to dispose of them? It’s their house!

But they're not controlling you. They have opinions, you're free to not do what they want. It's unclear how their exerting control given they do barely any childcare and only make minimal financial contributions. Just say no. Say no to the diet jabs. Give up smoking because of your children instead of petulantly continuing to spite them. Assert your boundaries

They’ve never had the kids overnight so I’ve never had a social life mainly due to controlling x too That's by no means unusual. My children never had an overnight with GP. A social life is something you either have to fit around children or make your own arrangements for children - you can't rely on grandparents to pick up.

what more do you want them to do?!

Seriously.

Spend a couple of quid on a Butt Bucket or two.

There is no reason that ANY "nub ends" should ever be thrown on the ground or floor, let alone enough to warrant needing "sweeping up".

It's disgusting.

To be fair its likely to come from a good place and your habits do sound pretty unhealthy. They want you to be thr best you can.

Take their advice and make the changes to improve you. Pushing back you lose not them.