To think this is off? Parents…

[BunnyLily]

So I’m 50years old and an only child. Separated with two young children. It’s always been an awkward relationship with my parents as I really don’t think they are child people and have never told me they love me or hugged where as I always do to my two.
they think I’m still an adolescent I think. I smoke roll ups and they constantly telling me to give up or to sweep my nub ends up which I do every so often… I said if you didn’t keep on I will give up for myself!
They are constantly obsessed with what I eat and if they see me eating something unhealthy I get a nose turned up. They have paid for me to go on diet jabs which I’ve lost a lot of weight and they keep saying ‘oh you look loads better’ where as I was doing it for me to be healthy. They recently commented that I had bags under my eyes so for Xmas they bought me some special cream to use… now I keep getting asked if I’ve used it and being told how good it is and it really works!
The kids were at their Dads over Xmas and they were coming back Boxing Day to me. I had missed them and wanted them back.. Mom n Dad said ah if they’ve enjoyed it they can stay another night and we can cancel their meals for Boxing Day! I was like ‘I really want to see my kids!’
They look after them when I’m at work and I do appreciate it but they would rather spend time looking after and helping other people than my children.
they are great with helping me with finances and always have been. I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable with all of this or if I’ve got a point?

This sounds like a very strange set up , if you don’t live with them how do they know about what you are eating and how much you smoke ? It seems to me that they feel that you have never fully grown up and the way you write / things you have written would lead me to agree with them . Btw smoking , even outdoors is not good for your children and leaving what I assume is dog ends about is disgusting.

Would you consider going for counselling next year? You really don't sound happy, and also don't seem to know what you want or how to fix things.
Do you ever think about where you want to be in 6 months or a years time?
The situation you are in now may feel suffocating, but freedom can be scary and full of uncertainty. Don't let that fear put you off exploring alternatives.

So they support you financially, provide free childcare, buy you things for you to take care of yourself and their biggest sin is wanting you to stop smoking because they presumably care about you? Am I missing something? They sound like good parents. My parents aren’t particularly tactile or cuddly people and I can’t really remember the last time we said I lovey you to each other but they do so much for my DH and I and our kids and are hugely supportive. I know they love me, I don’t need to hear it, they show it.

Ok so don’t confuse yourselves. I work two jobs - the kids are at school 99% of the time so I collect and take them.
on the odd occasion when they’re not at school like the school holidays they will maybe help out one day a week.
and to also clarify.. I was overweight, now I’m not. I eat healthy and exercise every day.

You confused us OP.

We didn't confuse ourselves 🤷‍♂️

Any reason you haven't chased your children's father for maintenance for them?

they think I’m still an adolescent I think. I smoke roll ups and they constantly telling me to give up or to sweep my nub ends up which I do every so often… I said if you didn’t keep on I will give up for myself!

That sounds very adolescent. Why wouldn't you pick up the ends every time? Grim. And saying that you're carrying on smoking out of spite because they go on at you? Sounds like teenager attitude. Tbh I wouldn't want a smoker living in my house even if they only smoked putside, especially if they left fag-ends lying around in the garden.

So, to sum up: you work two very part time jobs in school hours and your parents help out financially to support this, as well as providing childcare in the holidays. You were overweight until they subsided weight loss jabs, and have eaten healthily since. They would like you to stop smoking for your health, and to not leave butts around the children.
They sound supportive, but you don’t seem to appreciate the support at all. How would you manage if you didn’t have it?

Thanks for your help and support. I suppose this day and age there is a need to pick on what someone is trying to say without actually knowing the full facts which is very sad and makes someone asking for help feel bad about themselves. Apart from a few posts that have actually helped I think a lot of posters actually have to look at themselves and their comments and try to see themselves as having less than perfect lives.
I obviously know my parents do a lot and appreciate it. But the focus of my post was the suffocation I have felt since my childhood.
comments like … it’s a troll post or you need counselling are so funny….
please remember to be kind, kindness goes a long way and someone posting and asking for help on one of these forums may genuinely be really down or upset.

How are people to know what you are trying to say

If you want your parents to see you as an adult then maybe acting more like one might help?

And how does an adult act? Taking it that you act like an adult then in every possibly way?

OP your replies are confusing.

You say you pay all your own bills but then you rely on your parents financially.

You say you work two jobs but are there to drop/collect your children - how many hours are you working?

You say you have no help but then your parents look after DC and they've been to stay with their Dad for Christmas.

Parents showing care about you not smoking (it kills) is reasonable. Buying nice products as you look tired could be thoughtful.

OP, I am coming at it from a different angle and hope it adds a bit of humour.
My mum, when I was turning 40, turned up when I was getting my hair done and told the hairdresser to ‘just take off half an inch off the back’ and the hairdresser had to turn away in case she burst out laughing.
I lost my mum 12 years ago. While I was sitting with her waiting for an ambulance to come to take her into hospice care she said I should ‘bob’ on her scales. She asked me what I weighed and I told her 8 stone 4, and she told me I looked at least nine!
I was wearing some Zara trousers size 12 (which are tiny as in tall!) and she told me to get some in Reiss as I was an 8 in there.
She pre-bought my outfit for her funeral.
From when I was a toddler until the day she died, everything about me and my life was open season.
People think it’s funny, but it’s actually hard to deal with and I adored my mum. She was a lovely and very loving person, but all my life she wanted me to be the best I could be so I could have a better life.
I am in my 50’s now and if she were here she would I am sure be vocal about my weight gain and grey roots.
The one suggestion that I would make is to get counselling. Don’t bat it away.
It has helped me enormously because even though my mum isn’t here my more I still hear her voice a lot.
You have to make a life for yourself. Sadly some parents think that helping financially gives them a right to domineer.

I have a theory that parents will forever see you as their baby. Like my mum - I’ve raised my daughter and left home years ago - but she will still make odd comments as if I don’t know any better (like - does she eat her vegetables or something like that).

Every now and then she will treat me like the adult that I am - but usually if she wants something or needs to have a more serious conversation.

I believe this is more common with parent and child relationships that are strained though. I have a healthier relationship with my daughter (me and my mum are finally amicable but awkward) and although my daughter is a teen I try my best to meet her where she is and I believe we will probably grow together. I have friends that have a friendlier relationship with their parents who acknowledge the adult that they are as opposed to the child they believe they are- this takes some work.

I didn’t say I rely on them financially- they help me out occasionally here and there with small amounts. I work from home and work part time away from home.
it’s the first time in two years they stayed with their Dad.
And yes I know it’s thoughtful but being an adult I like to make my own choices and not be nagged about it every time I see them.
any more questions I’m happy to answer!

They look after them when I’m at work

financially I would struggle without their help and I honestly don’t know what I’d do without them in that case.

Well, that’s what you said.

They are doing it because you are letting them. You haven't left the parent child dynamic. You shouldn't have accepted them paying for weight loss jabs because that absolutely looks like you accept their criticisms of your weight, and also that they are allowed to interfere, and also that they are still parenting a dependant.
Obviously they are a bit rude and in an ideal world they'd be more loving and supportive. It must be hard for you.
But they are who they are and you know that..
You need to work on having boundaries and detaching yourself from them.
Shut it down if they make suggestions. Say "I'm not looking for advice thanks" or "it's rude to comment on what I eat"
They won't react well and you need to keep calm and to the point. Don't get into an argument. Use closed statements and walk away if they start trying to argue.
Lessen the time you spend around them.. lessen the detail you give them about your life. You are letting them believe they have the right to be this involved.
And do not let them pay for things other than birthday or Christmas gifts!! Because again this will make them feel they have some right to try and control you.. it will make them feel you only cope because of their input.
Eventually if you keep to your strict boundaries regarding not oversharing or asking for or tolerating their opinions.. they may eventually stop.

Well what help are you asking for?

All you've actually asked is I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable with all of this or if I’ve got a point?

So YABU is my answer and no, you don't have a point.

There's a long ru Ning thread on Mumsnet called something like ' we took you to Stately Homes' . It's about controlling parents and their effects on your life. You might get a more empathic response there.

Tbf, if I were financially supporting my 50 year old kids, I’d be quite judgy too. If you want to be treated like an adult, be an adult.

It sounds as though your parents give you a lot of help, not least financially. Maybe having your children stay overnight is too much for them I assume they are at least in their mid 70s if you are 53.
What sort of help do you want in the day? I think you need to stop relying on your parents so much and take responsibility for yourself and your children. Your parents probably seem suffocating because you rely on them so much

@BunnyLily It seems very obvious that help comes with some pretty short stings attached. I think you need to create boundaries but be prepared for offers of help to be retracted. I would pull back a bit as it sounds like you're a bit in each others pockets and you're not comfortable with that. I would (and do) pay for my own weight loss medication. In fact, I think the exhorbitant amount of money I have to shell out is a big incentive to actively put in the effort to keep the weight off rather than solely relying on the treatment itself. Take away all the crutches and live independently. That way, when you say "I'm a 50 year old woman who is perfectly capable of making my own choices", there isn't very much they can say.

I appreciate not the point of the thread - but they're expecting fast results from the eye cream😂

financially I would struggle without their help and I honestly don’t know what I’d do without them in that case.

looks like you do rely on them financially 👀