AIBU to not cut out ex-BIL after separation from sister ?

[verityeer]

My half-sister is from my dad's first marriage, and 18 years older than me. She married her (now STBX) husband at twenty, so I really do not remember a time where she lived with us, nor a time without ex-BIL in my life. We weren't close when I was young — mostly she popped in for Christmas/dad's birthday twice a year and that was that. But as adults, we became closer. I am closer to ex-BIL though, as I find sister to be hard work at times, whereas ex-BIL is very easy-going and has a lot of the same hobbies as me and my DH. Things like winter mountaineering, white water rafting, etc. Sister is always invited to such excursions, but doesn't like outdoor activities. They both regularly have dinner with my family and take my DCs out to cinema trips and so on.

They are now separating. Sister alleges financial abuse at the hands of ex-BIL, ex-BIL alleges financial abuse at the hands of Sister. Ex-BIL is just thrilled to remain in contact with me and my family, Sister is constantly running down ex-BIL to my kids. Things I think are inappropriate to tell DCs about their uncle, such as telling 13 year old DD about dead bedrooms!

Sister has now just found out we are still in contact with ex-BIL and his hit the roof. I think she's out of her gourd to expect me and my family to cut someone out I've known since literal birth on just her word. She thinks I'm being a terrible sister and bad feminist.

Not to be horrible, but she is prone to exaggerating and ex-BIL is not. I am more inclined to believe his account than hers.

AIBU ? Would you side with your blood relative ?

To avoid drip feeding, the financial abuse issue is as follows;

Sister says ex-BIL controlled her spending and cut up her CCs. She has been unable to buy new clothes, go out to eat/drink, feels she has to ask permission to buy anything. Says ex-BIL is oppressive and controlling. Ex-BIL denies this.

Ex-BIL says Sister got them into high five-figure credit card debt with shopping addiction and they mutually agreed she should not have CCs any more. They stick to a budget that was pre-agreed for a year and deviations are mutually agreed. Sister denies this.

However, sister has always spent money hand over fist and seemed to have clothes/experiences that I found surprising for her income. She has rewrote history in the past with family members. This is why I'm more inclined to think whilst both could be at fault, perhaps ex-BIL's account is more plausible.

*edit: sp

I think you have to go with family on this one, even though you prefer him as a person. It just doesn’t feel right to chose an ex over a sister. Unless you would rather not have a sister any more.

I think my problem is I feel equally close, if not closer as a sibling, to ex-BIL. And it feels unfair to DCs go say they can't see their uncle ever again, because he and sister have split. But perhaps I am just being unreasonable, thank you :(

I don’t think you should cut out your BiL, and you don't have to side with either of them.

No reason to cut BIL out of your life, though I would be strict about not taking sides regarding the financial abuse allegations.

You'll obviously have to compartmentalize your relationships with each of them but I don't see it as such a big deal. I don't let other people dictate to me who I can see/socialize with.

Your sister needs to get over herself.

Choose who you want a relationship with.
Blood doesn't guarantee a bond.
If she kicks off just explain she should've invested in the realtionship like he did.

I’d stick with BIL

This is my gut reaction; I am not involved in the intricacies of their marriage and am happy to socialise with both separately. Ex-BIL is happy with this arrangement, but Sister is the one who wants us to cut off all contact with him with immediate effect.

Yeah, I am more than happy to facilitate separate relationships with both. It's the ultimatum that is p*ssing me off. As far as I'm concerned, they're both family and have been for my whole life. I'm upset that their relationship has ended, and wish them both the best.

Choose him over your sister and you’ve lost your sister. Then, when he moves on with someone else, you’ll lose him.

They’re not both family. She is. But you clearly prefer him over her and have made your mind up.

I would tell your sis that you’ve known your bil for a very long time, you have a bond with him. You’ve not split up
with him, she has & seen nice he’s a part of your life, you’ll still be in contact with him. It’s upto her if she then cuts contact with you. If I was in this situation, I would keep bil in my life.

If I'd made my mind up so definitely, I wouldn't be here and so upset! :(

This is also something to worry about, thank you. Sister has always been quite hot and cold and I always felt ex-BIL was the driving force in our relationship. However, will that be the case if both have new partners in the future?

It's up to you but you can't have your cake and eat it. Ultimately pick one as the other will go no contact with you.

Also, who is tittle tattling to DSis that you are still friends with BIL? They are someone to keep your cards close to your chest with to avoid any further shit stirring.

Would you?

Have you ever separated from a man who was abusive but he had embedded himself so deeply in your families life they feel that they can’t choose their own daughter or the man she married? How isolating for her that might feel? How awful it must be if he is randomly at family events in r peoples homes when she visits?

This in its self is abuse

I think it's not as clear cut here as you and your sister are not close and you don't like her much. Has she/would she show you a similar type of loyalty?

So let's reframe this. Imagine a rift between a really good friend of yours ( same possible issues of the friendship fading away) and your sister. Maybe the friend ran over her cat, or whatever big "sin". Would you be as conflicted? Who would you pick?

I'm very sorry to hear about your ex, but I think you are reading things into my post because of this. I'm not at all happy to be in the middle of this. I feel like I'm stuck between a brother and sister.

A lot to think about, thank you.

I'd pick my sister over her ex.

The ex is happy to have you around now but once he gets remarried his new wife isn't going to want him hanging around with the ex wife's family! So you'll have burned your bridges with your own family for nothing.

No, you have a sister and an ex brother in law. And you want to choose the ex brother in law. So do so. Your sister will cut you off. And later, he will move on from you too.

And you’ll be viewed with suspicion within your own family because for you, water is thicker than blood.

What's a dead bedroom?

I’m getting from op that it’s questionable as to who is abusive. She’s formed a relationship with her bil, I wouldn’t like to be told that because a family member has severed ties, I had to.