AIBU to not cut out ex-BIL after separation from sister ?

[verityeer]

My half-sister is from my dad's first marriage, and 18 years older than me. She married her (now STBX) husband at twenty, so I really do not remember a time where she lived with us, nor a time without ex-BIL in my life. We weren't close when I was young — mostly she popped in for Christmas/dad's birthday twice a year and that was that. But as adults, we became closer. I am closer to ex-BIL though, as I find sister to be hard work at times, whereas ex-BIL is very easy-going and has a lot of the same hobbies as me and my DH. Things like winter mountaineering, white water rafting, etc. Sister is always invited to such excursions, but doesn't like outdoor activities. They both regularly have dinner with my family and take my DCs out to cinema trips and so on.

They are now separating. Sister alleges financial abuse at the hands of ex-BIL, ex-BIL alleges financial abuse at the hands of Sister. Ex-BIL is just thrilled to remain in contact with me and my family, Sister is constantly running down ex-BIL to my kids. Things I think are inappropriate to tell DCs about their uncle, such as telling 13 year old DD about dead bedrooms!

Sister has now just found out we are still in contact with ex-BIL and his hit the roof. I think she's out of her gourd to expect me and my family to cut someone out I've known since literal birth on just her word. She thinks I'm being a terrible sister and bad feminist.

Not to be horrible, but she is prone to exaggerating and ex-BIL is not. I am more inclined to believe his account than hers.

AIBU ? Would you side with your blood relative ?

Thing is, your ex BIL will likely meet someone else in the future. His new partner may dislike him keeping any links with the ex’s family. He will then distance himself, and your friendship with him will fizzle out. Meanwhile, you will have caused irreparable damage with your sister, so will end up with neither of them. Personally, I would stick with your sister, but if you’re not bothered about the risk, then you do you.

I only mentioned this because others commented on our relationship first. In my OP, I tried to remain very X said This, Y said That.

I don't want to buddy up with one at the expense of the other. I want I'd for me and my DCs to remain in contact with both folks we have known as family since we were born. I wanted opinions on whether this was unreasonable given the circumstances. Obviously many people feel one way or the other, and there have been some very valuable responses with a lot to think about.

Your STBX BIL ! is not family and never was . He married your sister. You will lose nothing by distancing yourself no need for a big drama . He is definitely not worth losing a sister over . No matter the intricate details of their marriage the fact is that he is someone that she wants no contact with . She will never feel comfortable confiding on you or trusting you again . Your choice but most people agree it is wrong . Divorce is hard for everyone. Suck it up . You can get new friends but not a sister.

When you started explaining her account of financial abuse and him cutting up her cards, I immediately thought I bet she's racked up huge cc debt and this was him trying to get the family finances back under control - and there it was, right underneath.

It's so difficult... if he was a financial abuser, I bet he IS delighted to be still part of the family, because that would be her never being free of him.

My mother asks us not to let my brother know we've met up with his ex wife. But they're both in lasting relationships for a long time, we've known her 30+ years, she's the mother of my DNs who love her.

My view is it's none of his business who we have lunch with.

Same with your sister. Be discreet if you do meet or message him, be wary of wholly believing one or the other, and be aware of any odd behaviour.

Such massive projection on this thread. I feel for you OP, to say 'he's not family' is just absolutely denying the reality of the situation. On the facts that OP presents she is able to make a fairly reliable judgment that BIL is a good man and is not abusive to her Dsis. It's not unreasonable that she wants to keep in some form of contact with this man who has been part of her family since early childhood, a contact that does not infringe on or affect her Dsis.

People on here acting like every other thread on MN isn't about the nightmare family and how they're Cutting off their siblings....

I'd trust my gut and tell her to like it or lump it, you're not fond of her and you didn't grow up with her.

How expensive are things like winter mountaineering, white water rafting, etc?? These are things your BIL does but she doesn't. And she's being criticised for spending on clothes and meals out? how many clothes and meals out would she have to have to spend an equivalent amount?

I mean if you are prepared to loose your sister it's fine to keep him in your life. Maybe it's a genuine friendship it certainly reads like it in the surface. But will it last? Are you sure he's not continuing it to her her and once his goal is achieved he will drift off. Or maybe a new partner will feel uncomfortable him hanging with ex family and he will drift off then. Will it be worth it?

For what it's worth my ex was abusive. As we were starting to reach the point of splitting he made a real effort to get my family to love him, told them all these made up concerns he had about me. He's been drip drip dripping this shit for ages before I left behind my back so when I did leave most of my family told me I was an idiot for leaving such a good man. They saw the truth in the end but I will never forget that feeling of betrayal. It was actually my sister who was always 'on my side'. It's foreign to me reading how a BIL bond is stronger to you than your sister. My sister is just amazing though not many like her.

It's hard to judge as you describe years he's kept this act up and sounds like a genuine friendship more than normal levels of contact. Ordinarily Id always say believe your sister when she says he was abusive. But you don't have to not all family members are good for you to have in your life. I've cut my brother out my life because he's a horrible human and if he split with his wife I'd happily be her friend. I'd also be super pissed off if someone was talking to my 13 year old about their sex life and bad mouthing someone they love, that's really bad for the kids. But she's hurting her long marriage is breaking and if what she says about abuse is true she's going to be even more of a mess. She's suddenly able to talk about what she used to have to hide so maybe her boundaries need some work?

Why is she not close to the others in the family? Has he isolated her? That with her cards being cut up so she can't go out for meals with friends etc does sound suspicious?

Basically I think it does sound like to cut BIL out will cost you and the kids a lot emotionally but if you haven't been abused you don't always realise how well hidden it is. And how they gaslight everyone around you into thinking you are the one causing the problems. You could be really be failing your sister here

How do their children see the situation between DSis and BIL?

That would influence how far I was prepared to go either way

Imagine the same scenario if it were you and your husband splitting up. How would you feel if your sister wanted to remain friends with your husband.

Unless the friendship existed before the marriage I can't see that most people would not feel the same as your sister

It's obvious from what she has said that OP's BIL is actually a much nicer person than her half sister which is why she would like to still have a relationship with him.

Sometimes people are closer to friends and other non-blood relations than they are to their own families and that seems to be the case here. OP has known her BIL since she was 2 years old so the relationship will be different than if she met him as an adult.

I’ve kept in touch with an ex partner of FIL, and DH, MIL (divorced from BIL) and I have kept in touch with the ex wife of DH’s brother. Neither of them live locally to us so contact is mainly via social media and has slowly become more infrequent but at the time of both splits contact was more regular. Both FIL and BIL cheated on their respective partners, I wasn’t going to stop being friendly with these partners due to the awful behaviour of FIL and BIL.

Op, you have no idea of the ins and outs of your DSis and Ex-BIL's relationship, only they do, so to decide "you know which one is being abusive" is breathtakingly arrogant of you. The truth of it all will be likely somewhere in the middle, and you will never have any depth of insight into it, no matter the snippets you think you know.

On the outside my EXDP was the kindest loveliest SIL any parent could wish for, he was so helpful to my parents and would do anything for them. My DParents found it very difficult when I initially told them we were splitting, so asked to meet with him individually (with my permission) to see if they could help.

My EXDP's mask completely slipped during that meeting, and my DParents finally saw him for who he was with the contempt and lack of care he showed them towards me during that 2 hour conversation. He didn't even realise he had given himself away with the things he said, my DParents came away from that session reeling with shock.

You don't need to keep in touch with your BIL to see your nieces/nephews, your DSis can facilitate that for you.

There's absolutely no need for you to "keep in touch" with your BIL, unless you want to severely damage your relationship with her. As other PP have said, your BIL will drop you as soon as he gets a new DP, and you maintaining a relationship with him will have been pointless, but your relationships with your actual family members (wider than your DSis if they dislike what you are doing) may be irreparable. I certainly wouldn't forget it if you were my DSis.

If you can, put yourself in your DSis shoes, and think about how you would feel if she continued to maintain a relationship with one of your exes.

On this occasion, choose your DSis, and build a more positive relationship with her in future.

It helps to read all of OP's posts.

Sister says ex-BIL controlled her spending and cut up her CCs. She has been unable to buy new clothes, go out to eat/drink, feels she has to ask permission to buy anything.

Finamcial abuse isnt this.Not when she got them into high 5 figure debt. He isn't a financial abuser, she's a shopping addict who got reined in. Financial abuse is a helluva different story to "can't go out to eat with friends after shopping trips".

The commenter on a previous page is right, you're projecting. This case isn't the same as your very nasty abusive relationship, the word abuse has been manipulated by the sister when it seems the only "financial abuse" she fared was to have her CC's taken because of her very high debt. That's not abuse, its symptomatic of preventing further family debt problems.

You have to accept you will fall out with ds if you keep in touch with him

Id agree.

OP Your half sister is showing signs of knowing no boundaries (discussing dead bedrooms - wtf, who does that with a child) and trying to manipulate you by banning contact with BIL that make me side with the BIL. If she wasn't being manipulative she wouldn't use any phrases like you would if you loved me, or family comes first or bloods thicker than water etc. which no doubt have been trotted out.

This and the fact that you already aren't close with your HALF sister who is decades older than you who doesn't bother to maintain contact with you or your family aside from historic contact driven by BIL (some people on the thread acting like you 1 year apart and thick as thieves). She isnt a sister in true terms of the word.

The fact the have children who are your age, means that you will automatically still have ties with this group of people that most likely will be including BIL and your gut telling you to maintain contact, I'm agreeing that you choose your own friends, but there's no reason to flaunt it (she never keeps in touch with you anyhow so how will she know?).

Off the back of last night, sister has turned up a niece's house this morning and smashed a plate on ex-BIL's head. In front of their grandchildren. Niece has also informed me their split was due to finances, but specifically because Sister took out CC in Niece's name and defaulted on the payment, which Niece only discovered when we went to remortgage.

Regardless of maintaining contact with ex-BIL, I not longer intend to further puruse a relationship with my sister.

Thanks everyone for your heartfelt responses, participation those who shared their experiences with abusive partners.

Awful for your Niece and her family, but at least this incident gave you enough clarity moving forward. Can’t say I blame you.

I suspect the poor sis brigade will either not believe your update, or once again make her actions be everyone's fault but hers. Prepare yourself for that.

It’s not a case of poor sis, some behaviour absolutely is unforgivable.

But this information wasn’t available at that point last night when people were commenting.

No, but a lot of posters just assumed OP is a selfish twat and that there couldn't possibly be a genuine reason why she was conflicted, like a badly behaved sister. Which became more and more obvious with every update (way before the last one) but she still got told she's just too stupid, selfish and naive .

So basically, she dripped fed. And wasted peoples time I think that summarises it nicely.

I laid out my conflict quite clearly in the first two posts. If you feel my life is a waste of your time, keep scrolling.

It's all very convenient

Honestly I think most of us would have better lives if we just focussed our time and efforts on those that treat us well regardless of whether they are blood relatives or not.

Even before the plate incident you described it sounded like ExBIL was the nicer person and it's not unreasonable to want to stay in touch. If your sister behaves like that she'll probably fall out with you over something else anyway.