AIBU to not cut out ex-BIL after separation from sister ?

[verityeer]

My half-sister is from my dad's first marriage, and 18 years older than me. She married her (now STBX) husband at twenty, so I really do not remember a time where she lived with us, nor a time without ex-BIL in my life. We weren't close when I was young — mostly she popped in for Christmas/dad's birthday twice a year and that was that. But as adults, we became closer. I am closer to ex-BIL though, as I find sister to be hard work at times, whereas ex-BIL is very easy-going and has a lot of the same hobbies as me and my DH. Things like winter mountaineering, white water rafting, etc. Sister is always invited to such excursions, but doesn't like outdoor activities. They both regularly have dinner with my family and take my DCs out to cinema trips and so on.

They are now separating. Sister alleges financial abuse at the hands of ex-BIL, ex-BIL alleges financial abuse at the hands of Sister. Ex-BIL is just thrilled to remain in contact with me and my family, Sister is constantly running down ex-BIL to my kids. Things I think are inappropriate to tell DCs about their uncle, such as telling 13 year old DD about dead bedrooms!

Sister has now just found out we are still in contact with ex-BIL and his hit the roof. I think she's out of her gourd to expect me and my family to cut someone out I've known since literal birth on just her word. She thinks I'm being a terrible sister and bad feminist.

Not to be horrible, but she is prone to exaggerating and ex-BIL is not. I am more inclined to believe his account than hers.

AIBU ? Would you side with your blood relative ?

It's difficult. If it was a clear-cut right-wrong issue, I'd happily side with whoever I thought was the wrong party. In this instance, I'm not sure who has been wronged. I don't think my sister would take my side in a similar situation.

In my family we stuck together. If anyone hurt my sister then they'd be cut off. I'd be civil if we had to see them but apart from that I'd have nothing to do with them.

Your ex bil will move on and probably decide to lose contact with you in the future anyway. But your sister is family!.

My own sisters knew my exh from their young teens. They saw him as a brother. But when my marriage ended they stood by me. I'll always love them for that support.

Why would he drop op and her dh when he finds another partner?

Not sure at all what has prompted this response. I'm upset because two people I've grown up with as siblings both allege abuse against each other.

Because he won’t feel the need to wind his ex wife up anymore?

She was telling my 13 year old DD how they'd not had s*x for x amount of time. And other information about sexual habits. I obviously ended this conversation immediately once I walked in.

If that’s why he wants to remain friends, certainly.

Who says it is?

You havnt grown up with him. He is not your brother. He is your sisters husband - soon to be ex. You’re acting like your King Solomon.

If your upset it’s because you’ve been called out of your sister for stabbing her in the back

This is one of the scenarios where you really do need to pick a team. I found out that my brother was sending online request requests to play chess with my ex-husband.. my ex-husband was declining them and my brother was persisting.
This is not only gave my ex-husband the opportunity to take the piss and smirk at my family’s lack of loyalty but it was incredibly hurtful to me.

It’s controlling. And really fucking creepy. What he should be doing is allowing his wife to have the security of support of her family in peace. And then maybe reach out when it’s all died down if he was genuinely a nice guy.

But right now he is going to her sister? And her sister is lapping it up. It’s pathetic and reeks of sibling rivalry

You will be a fool to choose him over your sister but obviously you need to learn this the hard way. Once he has a new girlfriend you will be dropped like a hot potato.

DS mentioned we'd seen him briefly over Christmas when we saw her this evening.

When exh and I divorced and he put me through hell during divorce proceedings I felt betrayed by my sister having her photo taken with exh at a wedding we both attended, and chatting in a friendly way despite knowing what he had very recently put me through. I said nothing to her but she hurt me because she knew he had cheated in the first place then tried to bankrupt me by refusing to agree a 50/50 financial split. Instead making me take him to court and even just not turning up in court when he was supposed to and not paying child maintenance until they ordered his employer to take money from his salary. After the wedding she didn't see him again and I put it behind us and moved forward. You are risking losing having a relationship with your sister.

They were together since before I was born until I was forty odd. I've grown up with him as extended family, in the same way I've grown up with sister has extended family. Don't understand your Solomon reference sorry.

Actually if you read the OP carefully you will see that her sister married BIL when OP was only two years old so she very much has grown up with him in her life just as much as her sister.

It is impossible for randoms on the Internet to know the ins and outs of the situation but I feel your very heated responses are based more on your own experience and may not apply to OP.

I am close to both my sisters and cannot ever imagine taking anyone else's side over them. Then again, I know both my sisters to be decent reasonable people whose word I can trust. Clearly OP has doubts about her sisters role in this. Is it really always right to take the side of someone you believe may be in the wrong just because you are related?

Very sorry to hear of your experience, thanks for sharing your perspective.

The OP is his support system.
Close friend and considered family.

If it was my other half-sister (twenty-one years older), I wouldn't hesitate to take her side, as it were. But in this situation, I'm much more hesistant to cut off someone I've grown up with, who I think is possibly more likely the abused party based on previous behaviours, and who has no other family. It's not clear cut either way from my POV.

My sister split from her husband, very upsetting for everyone. He's a good guy and in my life since I was 11.
But she's my sister and my loyalty is to her, I will say hi to him if I met him on the street and I never speak bad of him.
If I ever separated from my husband, I would hate my siblings to turn on me.
You don't know 100% he's telling the truth. Choose wisely.

Even if you would rather have a relationship with the ex-BIL over that sister, your oldest sister might well choose family and distance herself from you too.

Exactly - he is extended family. Not your brother or sister.

King Solomon ordered the execution of a live baby by cutting it in half and sharing the pieces out to both women who claimed to be the mother.

Shes your sister and will be in your life and at family events much longer that this man.

My ex tried to kick my door in one night. He was still taking food parcels to my nanna who thought he was the Bees knees. She thought he was a lovely fella. Very generous. Because of what he was doing I called the police. The police came and took him off. He bumped in to my cousin who is not seen for a while and she asked him why the police were at my house. He told he he had called them on ME because I wouldn’t let him in his own house. She believed him. I also had to tell my nana not to accept any food parcels and she found it really hard to believe such a nice man would do that.

The next time he tried to drop her little pork pies, ham & cheese off she wouldn’t accept them and he shouted at her on the doorstep and punched the top of his car. She was 87. The mask had come off.

I have zero time for slimy men that smooze up to family members to tell ‘their story’ and I’ve even less time for family members who put their arses in the middle of it - and enjoy feeling important enough that they have difficulty in ‘choosing sides’

OP the people who disagree with you are doing so because your BIL is a man.

I guarantee that if this was your brother separating from a SIL the responses would be entirely different, and you would be urged to see your brother as an abuser. Because women on MN are never wrong.

I personally wouldn’t be dictated to over who I do and don’t have contact with. If your sister walks away then that’s on her not you. Plenty of people choose not to take sides in other people’s relationship breakdowns. The split of their marriage is between them and has nothing to do with the family’s relationship with the other party.

Ironically my DP went through something similar with his brother who split from his SIL. DP’s now ex was good friends with sIL and DP refused to cut her out of their lives. His brother rang him up demanding that he cut her out immediately, that allowing her to stay in contact was a betrayal of him yada yada yada. DP told him to do one, and to think hard, given that at the time they were calling it a trial separation, and reminding him that if they did get back together he would be expecting the family who he was previously urging to shun her, to welcome her back to the family, and he refused to do it.

And surprise surprise they did get back together.

They split further down the line, but dp’s brother was definitely the prime arsehole in the relationship.

In general once relatives divorce the non family member drifts away and forms other relationships. I would want to keep in touch with my SIL if my brother divorces as I like her but my brother would always come first

Hes been part of ops life for years. It sounds as though he's been an integral part of her family . I would have thought it possible to keep a relationship going with him separately and there is no reason to suppose he would not want to see them if he got a new partner. People can maintain all kinds of complex relationships if they wish to.
As for the financial control that sounds as though it has two sides to the argument and because he is male it doesn't always mean he has to be the culprit.

@purplevelvetshoes im very sorry for what you went through at the hands of your ex but you are seriously projecting onto the OP here. This thread has clearly touched a nerve given how many times youve posted and the vitriol you have aimed at the OP. It is not okay to take your issues out on her.