AIBU to not cut out ex-BIL after separation from sister ?

[verityeer]

My half-sister is from my dad's first marriage, and 18 years older than me. She married her (now STBX) husband at twenty, so I really do not remember a time where she lived with us, nor a time without ex-BIL in my life. We weren't close when I was young — mostly she popped in for Christmas/dad's birthday twice a year and that was that. But as adults, we became closer. I am closer to ex-BIL though, as I find sister to be hard work at times, whereas ex-BIL is very easy-going and has a lot of the same hobbies as me and my DH. Things like winter mountaineering, white water rafting, etc. Sister is always invited to such excursions, but doesn't like outdoor activities. They both regularly have dinner with my family and take my DCs out to cinema trips and so on.

They are now separating. Sister alleges financial abuse at the hands of ex-BIL, ex-BIL alleges financial abuse at the hands of Sister. Ex-BIL is just thrilled to remain in contact with me and my family, Sister is constantly running down ex-BIL to my kids. Things I think are inappropriate to tell DCs about their uncle, such as telling 13 year old DD about dead bedrooms!

Sister has now just found out we are still in contact with ex-BIL and his hit the roof. I think she's out of her gourd to expect me and my family to cut someone out I've known since literal birth on just her word. She thinks I'm being a terrible sister and bad feminist.

Not to be horrible, but she is prone to exaggerating and ex-BIL is not. I am more inclined to believe his account than hers.

AIBU ? Would you side with your blood relative ?

Why? She can have a friendship with whoever she likes! As the saying goes you can choose your friends but not your family!

There's three sides to every story;
His truth
A middle ground
Her truth.

Personally, if a sibling of mine came to me and said they felt they'd been abused by their spouse and was splitting up, I'd probably tread very carefully and not necessarily keep in touch with the inlaw. Personally.

However. Having been part of an abusive relationship and leaving him in covid, I'd be pretty gutted if my brother continued a relationship with him my ex!

It's not for you to tell OP who her family is. That's for her to decide. A brother in law you've known your entire life can be just as much family as a half sister you barely knew growing up.

OP you can keep whatever relationships you want to.

Tricky situation. At the end of the day if I broke up with someone I would be devastated if my family continued to see them and can understand why your sister would be upset. I think the ultimatum is harsh situation for you and your family to be in and not okay but I would probably do something similar. Only to protect myself from feeling even more hurt knowing my family members were spending time and having fun with my ex.

It appears you think your BIL version of events in regards to the financial abuse is more likely but please be careful when it comes to abusive relationships. No one really know what is going on in someone else's life. I would be super upset if my family didnt believe the abuse I experienced. Its also why abusers get away with it for so long because they seem more reliable/likely.

Another complicating factor to consider is how long this goes on for. When your BIL gets a new partner will she be joining you? Will your uncle still be invited to big events like birthdays, christmas's etc or just social trips? future weddings?

Sisters title on MN would be - My family continue to spend time with my financially abusive Ex-husband and I'm so angry/upset.

Sadly when people separated people often have to pick sides or naturally take a side. Not always but often. It sounds like you want to choose your uncles but feel like you should choose your sister and that is so hard. Sorry OP.

I would choose family but all families different and I like a quiet life and the sister feels like less of a headache/drama. Choosing BIL means you are setting yourself up for years of resentment/nonsense. Proper rubbish.

Also, your sister is probably hurt right now finding out after the fact.

It all feels underhand and she is probably extra upset about it. I'm guessing no one mentioned seeing BIL before so not to upset her/cause drama which is understandable but thats always going to hurt the other person when they find out.

Before I read your post fully, it came into my mind that I wouldn’t necessarily sever a relationship with an in law just because they had separated from my family member, but that the only exception to this would be if it was an abusive situation. It’s difficult to tell from your account whose is the most accurate/truthful version of events. Be careful that you aren’t seeing bil through rose tinted spectacles because you don’t have a particularly positive relationship with your sister. And remember also that abusive people can also ‘groom’ the people around the victim to isolate them. I’m not saying that’s what happening here at all, but it’s worth bearing in mind. My gut tells me there is no clear victim/abuser here but that the entire relationship was toxic. So on that basis I don’t think I would look to sever the ties with bil on your sisters say so. But keep
an open mind and tread carefully, as others have said, he may move on if he meets someone else and forms a new family. If you don’t want to burn bridges with your sister, try to at least keep lines of communication open and let her know you still care about her but that doesn’t mean you will jump to her tune.

I definitely think you shouldn't have to choose one or the other. They are adults and shouldn't be involving you in their drama.

What's a dead bedroom?

You are not in the relationship here.
They were and they have made a decision to split.
This is relating to them and not you.
You are and have been friends with both, why change that. Your relationship with them as individuals has not changed.
This is their relationship not yours that is breaking up. If you value both people they will value you as staying in contact with both albeit it separately.
You should not be persuaded by anyone what to do rather this is your choice and yours only.
Good friends are difficult to come by. So whatever decision you make will feel right for you. You need to justify to yourself and nobody else.
People judging you negatively is their choice but why do you care.
In your life you are the most important for you.

There is absolutely no reason for you to have to choose sides now should you be asked too. I would calmly and nicely say to your sister that the reasons for the separation is nothing to do with you. You support her as she is your sister but she can not dictate who else you show support to. Xx

Everyone knows that if your sibling splits up with their partner, that person stops being a member of your family. It's brutal, but it's life.

Human relationships are complex and varied. There's no rule to these things.

Have a guess.

Very sticky, is there no way to talk to your sister and say you've know both all your life and you'd like to keep both in your life? Maybe take a little break from seeing either and see what happens once the dust settles.

As long as you can keep.any socialising with him separate and not included him in family gatherings and events I can't really see the problem. Tell your sister you will support her but not take sides or bad mouth either of them to the other. The dynamics will change if he finds another partner and he is likely to drift away from his relationship with his ex's family members, including you.

No sex

Thank you, never heard that expression before.

I am still very much in contact with my exh's family, and my new partner is still very much in contact with his exw's family.
Mainly for our respective kids. In fact if it wasn't for me my kids wouldn't have a relationship with his side of the family because he can never be bothered to visit them.
So I don't think it's that cut and dry about when he gets into a new relationship he'll drop seeing you.
I also don't think it's fair that your sister is giving you this ultimatum.
What I'm reading from your post is you've always felt more like friends than sisters and in-laws because you never lived together and because of the age gap.
Keep in contact with both even if it's just for your kids sake but don't take sides.

And this is very revealing, as is the credit card spending. The OP’s DS behaves inappropriately - OP is clearly aware of this. The ex-BIL sounds like a decent bloke.

Someone I know well is in a similar situation . She has maintained a good relationship with her ex-BIL over several years now. I don’t think her DS has issued an ultimatum but I’m pretty certain my friend would not go along with it if she did. She considers her exBIL a very decent bloke who is great with my friend’s DC.