AIBU to not cut out ex-BIL after separation from sister ?

[verityeer]

My half-sister is from my dad's first marriage, and 18 years older than me. She married her (now STBX) husband at twenty, so I really do not remember a time where she lived with us, nor a time without ex-BIL in my life. We weren't close when I was young — mostly she popped in for Christmas/dad's birthday twice a year and that was that. But as adults, we became closer. I am closer to ex-BIL though, as I find sister to be hard work at times, whereas ex-BIL is very easy-going and has a lot of the same hobbies as me and my DH. Things like winter mountaineering, white water rafting, etc. Sister is always invited to such excursions, but doesn't like outdoor activities. They both regularly have dinner with my family and take my DCs out to cinema trips and so on.

They are now separating. Sister alleges financial abuse at the hands of ex-BIL, ex-BIL alleges financial abuse at the hands of Sister. Ex-BIL is just thrilled to remain in contact with me and my family, Sister is constantly running down ex-BIL to my kids. Things I think are inappropriate to tell DCs about their uncle, such as telling 13 year old DD about dead bedrooms!

Sister has now just found out we are still in contact with ex-BIL and his hit the roof. I think she's out of her gourd to expect me and my family to cut someone out I've known since literal birth on just her word. She thinks I'm being a terrible sister and bad feminist.

Not to be horrible, but she is prone to exaggerating and ex-BIL is not. I am more inclined to believe his account than hers.

AIBU ? Would you side with your blood relative ?

King Solomon ordered the execution of a live baby by cutting it in half and sharing the pieces out to both women who claimed to be the mother.

This is a disturbing and outrageous comparison. I am very sorry to read about your experiences, but being unsure which party was the abuser between two extended family members I have grown up with is not even vaguely comparable to chopping a baby in half. What the actual fck.

I'm the only one she's really regularly in contact with from our family these days, which is another reason I'm hesitant to 'pick sides' :(

The thing with Solomon was that two women claimed the baby as their own. He judged the baby be cut in half, one half for each woman.
Obviously the baby’s mother cried out to object, and to give up her claim on the child to save its life.
Therefore he established the true mother of the baby and ruled in her favour (ie the wisdom of Solomon)

I think the PP was saying you have a similar choice, and in going half and half you disadvantage the one that matters.

For me, if you side with your BIL - whatever the rights and wrongs - you will destroy your relationship with at least one and possibly both sisters.

Do they have kids together?

Just tell your sister it’s weighing heavy on your heart and you just can’t choose. She will choose for you.

Hope it works out for you and you don’t end up being ostracised by your family - hope he is worth it!

If PP had said that, fair enough, but all that was said was the disturbing paragraph about the poor baby.

I understand that I'll disadvantage one, which is why I'm finding the choice so difficult. I'm not sure who is telling the truth and would hate to cut out one or the other based on word alone, potentially isolating someone due to work of their abuser.

My other sister does not speak to this sister (they are full siblings, I am half-sibling to both) so this would not impact our relationship.

I think you’ve got beef with your sister and are enjoying the opportunity to upset her whilst ostensibly occupying the higher ground.

In fairness, the Biblical story of Solomon is basic Sunday school fodder (and I didn’t even go to church) so it was reasonable the PP assumed some basic knowledge.

It's tough losing valued relationships when family members break up, but it's something you should have seen coming, surely? Everyone knows that if your sibling splits up with their partner, that person stops being a member of your family. It's brutal, but it's life. I'll be quietly gutted if my dc1 splits up with their partner of 3 years, I've grown very fond indeed of them, but my loyalty would obviously be to my own child, as yours should be to your sister. It isn't complicated at all.

Yes, their children are around my age (mid 30s - early 40s).

Tbf, OP, the story about King Solomon is known to most people. Have you never heard the expression “the wisdom of Solomon”?

I have not I'm afraid

@verityeer I would suggest you post again(or move this thread) in Relationships, with all the background attached.

Most posters seem to come from a view of normal, loving and loyal family relationships, whereas it's becoming more and more obvious that's not the case in your relationship with your sister. For them, it's clear cut. For you... not so much.

Seems more like you’ve got perhaps a bit of a guilty conscience and you’re trying to soothe it here.
She may not be blood, but she’s still your step-sister and you’re betraying her by choosing her ex-husband over her.
Can’t wrap that up any more succinctly.
Most of us would be devastated if our families did this to us. It’s crushing.

I won't deny our relationship is complicated and I'm not her biggest fan. But I'm very much not happy to upset her. If I was, I'd have told her to pound sand and not bothered posting here at all.

But you’re happy to drag her.

If the kids were smaller I would think having a civil line of communication would be beneficial. Although, I wouldn't be buddy buddy. Instead,it would be more what do the kids have on their Chrismas list or my brother said DC was sick how ate they feeling. But, in this case your nibbling can communicate with you directly.

My current husband and my brother talk. They have been on extended trips together. They've probably spent 8 -10 weeks travelling together over the 15 years we've been together. I recently accidentally saw a text conversation I clearly wasn't meant to see and I absolutely feel betrayed by my brother and will be reducing my contact with him. My H had his own siblings and plenty of them who will support him wholeheartedly. My brother doesn't need to take that role. In all honesty I don't trust him anymore.

I guess you need to decide not only where your loyalty lies but also of the buddy relationship worth the fallout for you and your extended family. It's not only you whose going to be impacted.

Well that is part of the King Solomon tale but misses out the wisdom behind the judgement!

Once again, I feel like you have obviously had a shitty time with your ex, but your responses here must be very coloured by that. Potentially the OP really believes this man she has known for about 40 years is a decent bloke and the sister is the dodgy one. Should she really ignore her gut instinct on this?

How ???

Thank you.

I do feel guilty — AFAIK sister only sees me from her extended family. I'm also feeling guilty that my gut feeling is ex-BIL's account is more plausible.

OP, your sister sounds like a nutter!

This entire thread.
If you were any sort of loyal family member, you wouldn’t write that you aren’t her biggest fan or go on about how tortured you are over this.
Just do it.
Ditch her and buddy up with your ex-BIL.
I really, honestly think that’s exactly what you want, anyhow.
Just do it and stop wasting time.
Be brave.

I think you're making this about you. It's a bit rich accusing the OP of being the narcissist while centring yourself in the discussion.

The OP is definitely not the narcissist here.

She is trying to maintain a relationship with two people who have been in her life for as long as she can remember.

OP, I hope you can maintain contact with both. I imagine feelings are very high at the moment, but in time they may settle. It's a very difficult situation and I don't envy you.

That was intended as a response to Purplevelvetshoes.