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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to leave a man because of financial reasons

307 replies

Whatwouldyoudo26 · 28/12/2024 20:27

(Apologies with how long this is, trying to sum it all up)

I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now.

He's funny, affectionate, social, good communication etc. I'm just struggling with the financial situation that is making me want to break it off.

So I'm 26 and he's 40. He quickly moved in with me when he didn't actually have his own place.. not planned but just happened.

He promised to pay towards rent, only did for less than 2 months. He was then asked to leave because he kept promising payment that never came.

Fast forward and we're still seeing each other, only it's nice to have my home back.

He then took my car over a toll bridge and didn't even have the £2.60 to come back over it again - I then got lumbard with the £60 fine. I kept asking for him to pay, he never did.

We went for a meal with his friends that he said he was paying for. I ended up having to foot the bill with him saying he'll pay me the next day as the money hasn't gone in his account or something, he never did.

He then promised he will pay for a set of nails in return for a big favour I did for him and nothing despite having asked since. This might sound trivial but it's the whole saying things and never going through with any of it.

He showed me where we were going to go on a family holiday (I have one child, he has two) - in the end his children's mum took them instead because she probably knows what he's like!!

He showed my parents this beautiful hotel he said he was going to take me to as my birthday treat back in July. Still waiting. Although before this he got me excited showing me a different trip up country and enjoyed telling everyone about it without delivering on it.
Heck, there's even a restaurant he said he will take me to for our first date.. still waiting.

I do feel he's got good intentions but I'm not sure how much longer I can go on with a carrot dangling. He hasn't written any of these things off, it's still in the pipeline because they cost money. Fair enough I thought as I like him for him (clearly not his wallet!) but it doesn't stop me feeling let down and disheartened by it all.

I feel like I've spent the year of our relationship just waiting for things to happen. Coming to me excited about things and holidays only for nothing to ever materialise - I'd rather him just not mention it at all than get my hopes up.

Now he wants to book for us to go to a hotel for New Year's Eve. Of course I would love this but with him owing me money (and other people money), I'd feel more respected if he sends that back to me than keep splashing the cash. Honestly I think I'm going to feel rather resentful if I do accept the hotel offer before he has paid me back what I'm well overdue.

Do I just end things here? I have quite a list accumulating and I keep holding on for the best but not sure how much longer I can carry on.

YABU - you like him as a person and I should be more understanding over the current financial situation.

YANBU - it's not fair to feel consistently let down through empty promises.

OP posts:
Greengrasswalks · 29/12/2024 00:56

Whatwouldyoudo26 · 29/12/2024 00:33

Yea wish I did now. There's so many things in hindsight that I should have ditched him over.

Now reading some of the stuff he sends me, it all sounds so over the top. He has always had a way of brushing over things and moving onto the next thing, suppose it's a great tactic to avoid any accountability 🙄 just glad I can finally see it.

I've definitely made my decision. The more I think about all this stuff, the angrier I get that I had put up with it. I almost want to write him a list and give it to him!

Show quote history

Yes, tot up what he owes you and send it to him (even if only to meet you feel better), but you won’t see it again.

I wouldn’t bother meeting up to tell him it’s over; a phone call will do.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 29/12/2024 01:00

Whatwouldyoudo26 · 29/12/2024 00:33

Yea wish I did now. There's so many things in hindsight that I should have ditched him over.

Now reading some of the stuff he sends me, it all sounds so over the top. He has always had a way of brushing over things and moving onto the next thing, suppose it's a great tactic to avoid any accountability 🙄 just glad I can finally see it.

I've definitely made my decision. The more I think about all this stuff, the angrier I get that I had put up with it. I almost want to write him a list and give it to him!

Show quote history

Do write a list and give it to him with a bill for what he owes you. Tell him you're too young to live with a disorganised scrounger and he needs to move out immediately. Be firm as he'll probably wheedle and make more false promises.

MidnightMeltdown · 29/12/2024 01:12

Run away fast OP

Not only is he a cocklodger, but he's almost old enough to be your dad! Don't waste your 20s on this shite.

Incenseda · 29/12/2024 01:13

He is a loser, waster, grifter, and one big liar.
You have spent 12 months indulging and paying for this twat.
What on earth were you thinking?
Dump him and work on your self esteem.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk is something you need to do if you don't want to end up with another loser.

Actions not words are what count.
You have spent 12 months on words not actions.
Learn from this OP or life will be very hard for you.

Topsyturvy78 · 29/12/2024 01:18

Whatwouldyoudo26 · 29/12/2024 00:33

Yea wish I did now. There's so many things in hindsight that I should have ditched him over.

Now reading some of the stuff he sends me, it all sounds so over the top. He has always had a way of brushing over things and moving onto the next thing, suppose it's a great tactic to avoid any accountability 🙄 just glad I can finally see it.

I've definitely made my decision. The more I think about all this stuff, the angrier I get that I had put up with it. I almost want to write him a list and give it to him!

Show quote history

Write the list if you say it to him it will just fall on death ears. Be better if he sees it written down.

Overlyanxiousworrier · 29/12/2024 01:29

Don't walk, run. However nice he might be this is not going to get any better and it is unfair on you.

HomeTheatreSystem · 29/12/2024 01:36

Don't get caught up in the detail of each time he said he'd pay but didn't. Just tell him he's an inveterate sponger and you no longer find him attractive. He's also much too old for you. When he argues back (which he will as it's worth the effort rather than having to find and train a new meal ticket) just say you've said your piece, and you don't want him in your life anymore. Rinse and repeat. Don't engage in any back and forth. His opinion doesn't matter.

BMW6 · 29/12/2024 01:58

You've been an utter fool OP. Completely taken in by conman.

Here you are fretting about how to tell him its over when he's been ripping you off and laughing up his sleeve at how easy it's been to rinse you.

For a year. A fucking YEAR.

Over and over again.

How to tell him?

Text ""bored of you now, Fuck Off You Loser".

Why would you be any kinder to a thieving twat like him?

WearyAuldWumman · 29/12/2024 02:01

MidnightMeltdown · 29/12/2024 01:12

Run away fast OP

Not only is he a cocklodger, but he's almost old enough to be your dad! Don't waste your 20s on this shite.

Precisely. To use another Mumsnet expression, OP is well on her way to becoming a nurse with a purse if she sticks with this loser.

EarlyBird12345 · 29/12/2024 07:27

Change your locks as well.

SeaShellsSanctuary180 · 29/12/2024 07:44

Whatwouldyoudo26 · 29/12/2024 00:33

Yea wish I did now. There's so many things in hindsight that I should have ditched him over.

Now reading some of the stuff he sends me, it all sounds so over the top. He has always had a way of brushing over things and moving onto the next thing, suppose it's a great tactic to avoid any accountability 🙄 just glad I can finally see it.

I've definitely made my decision. The more I think about all this stuff, the angrier I get that I had put up with it. I almost want to write him a list and give it to him!

Show quote history

Be absolutely sure to stick to your decision. He's already had great success in manipulating you and again will trivialise every example that you give him.

I'd be inclined not to give individual examples to him but just to say it's a culmination of financial promises that never materialised and that he knows exactly what you are referring too.

Mix56 · 29/12/2024 08:05

error

PorridgeEater · 29/12/2024 08:13

As previously suggested I'd give him a list of what he owes just to have a clear record (though he'll probably "lose" it). Then don't engage any further - as has also been said, his opinion doesn't matter. I wouldn't bother swearing / being rude - just be distant. If he wants to negotiate tell him he should look (or should have looked) at his list.
You're not the first person to have been caught by a man like this and you won't be the last. In any case you're better off without him.

Missionimprobable · 29/12/2024 08:14

Don't wait until he gets back, text him.
"This relationship is not working for me, I wish you all the best but I don't want to see you again"
Then block him.
Don't bother trying to explain why, he knows what he's doing, trying to point out his faults/the issues will just give him an opportunity to keep the conversation going and talk you round.
Write the money off, he's never going to pay you back.
Good luck ❤️

PorridgeEater · 29/12/2024 08:17

And be glad you don't have a child with him.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 29/12/2024 08:28

End it. He's useless.

MorphandMindy · 29/12/2024 09:20

Don't wait for him to come back, call him up and do it now.

At least while he's at his mum's he has a roof over his head so you can just drop off his stuff. You won't have to deal with "but where am I supposed to goooooo?" That is absolutely calculated to make you feel sorry for him. Don't. He made it to 40 on his own, he will find a new girlfriend way - you are not the only thing standing between him and homelessness - he is!

Do the whole "This isn't working for me and I don't see a future in it long-term, sorrynotsorry bye" and just GTFO. The sooner you do it the better.

Give him a list if it makes you feel better, but IMO the golden rule of breaking up with someone is: the fewer reasons, the better - they're only going to twist your words and make you/others think you're unhinged and your reasons are petty or foolish. They're not!

Abitofalark · 29/12/2024 12:28

You have been beguiled by the facile charm of this man and the fact of being a single mother with a child makes you susceptible, even vulnerable because it is lonely and perhaps you feel it is harder to find someone when you have a child so you will put up with someone less than ideal. However he is a sponger and you have been soft and too easy for him to manipulate and use for money and a roof over his head.

As far as breaking it off goes, you need to focus on one goal - telling him you are ending the relationship - you don't need to give detailed explanations or lists or go over everything that happened and everything that he owes you - and will never pay. Doing all that will only give him ammunition to continue to entangle you as well as giving him cause to feel hard done by and angry or resentful at what he may feel is being unfairly criticised and found fault with.

Why give away your own position by doing that? Keep your thoughts to yourself and tell him only generalities such as that the relationship is not working for you; it doesn't have a future, there is no point in a post mortem, that your mind is made up and will not change; you are cutting the tie now in a clean and final break and that is your final word on the matter.

Takenoprisoner · 29/12/2024 12:44

Why are you worried about what to say to him? He doesn't care about your feelings. Just text and say, 'it's over, please don't contact me again'. Even a text is actually more than deserves I think, but at least he'll know where he stands.

Takenoprisoner · 29/12/2024 12:54

Whatwouldyoudo26 · 28/12/2024 20:59

Thank you for your responses already. It's obvious what I need to do. I think that's why I posted, I just need a push in the right direction because I've still got him promising things and I feel silly for clinging onto them.

Not sure how I'm going to approach this conversation so suggestions welcome.
It's not like we're breaking up over one big argument that is easily explainable, it's all these things mounting up over time.

You are breaking up over not one big thing, but several big things. Lies, false and broken promises, no financial contribution, not paying you back, racking up toll fines on your car and not paying them... every singles one of those is a big enough reason to break up over.

He doesn't have £2.60?? well he shouldn't be driving anyone's car then.

Ladybyrd · 29/12/2024 12:57

Get rip, asap. I went out with someone like this. He's a leech. He'll be all apologetic and ashamed every time you call him out on it, but will revert to leach mode every time - they can help it. Also, he should have his shit better together by now.

Ladybyrd · 29/12/2024 12:58

*rid!

Ladybyrd · 29/12/2024 12:59

MorphandMindy · 29/12/2024 09:20

Don't wait for him to come back, call him up and do it now.

At least while he's at his mum's he has a roof over his head so you can just drop off his stuff. You won't have to deal with "but where am I supposed to goooooo?" That is absolutely calculated to make you feel sorry for him. Don't. He made it to 40 on his own, he will find a new girlfriend way - you are not the only thing standing between him and homelessness - he is!

Do the whole "This isn't working for me and I don't see a future in it long-term, sorrynotsorry bye" and just GTFO. The sooner you do it the better.

Give him a list if it makes you feel better, but IMO the golden rule of breaking up with someone is: the fewer reasons, the better - they're only going to twist your words and make you/others think you're unhinged and your reasons are petty or foolish. They're not!

This 100%.

madmumofteens · 29/12/2024 13:02

I would text him saying to date you owe me ££££ you are nothing but a freeloader I am freeing myself of you goodbyeeeee you deserve so much better OP good luck stay strong

ButterCrackers · 29/12/2024 13:10

Take his stuff to his mother’s house (he’s there now if I understand right). Do this now. Tell him he owes you X amount. Send him an email with the amount and how to pay you. Don’t WhatsApp etc so as not to get into messaging. Tell him it’s not working and you are not in a relationship with him any more. You won’t respond to messages. Leave right away. Do not enter his mother’s place. Do you have a friend to watch your child?