To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

[merrychristonabike]

Me DH and our kids went to a hotel for xmas - a tradition we adopted to escape the 'where will you be at xmas?' from mum and dad every year. We've invited them and my in-laws before, but it wasn't fun as my parents were clearly put out they were sharing the time with in-laws.
On arrival on xmas eve, my parents were there to 'surprise' us and we were furious. My husband later asked them why they were there and my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick. Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas, ignored him at dinner and left without saying goodbye to either of us,
It ruined the 3 night stay. They didn't bring the kids' gifts - I think so we will still have to go see them and I just can't face it. There's a bit of back story to their behaviour, but it's too long for here other than them being overbearing and intense. And I also just want to know AIBU? And what's your advice yo navigate this?

@kazzer2867
you laughed at this post
i dont think this is an appropriate use the the Reaction button

They knew they were in the wrong, that’s why they did it as a ‘surprise’. They knew if they’d asked, you would have said no. I’m surprised people are saying to were wrong to be rude when blindsided like this.

Come on, it would be quite rare for an adult to find their parents popping up on their holiday without consultation a nice ‘surprise’.

100% - OP’s patents sound like narcissistic nightmares who only think of what THEY want and everyone else is supposed to bow down to them.

OP - don’t give in and change your plans to appease this selfish pair who thrive on drama

You do you - let them cry and wail to whoever they want

Indeed. The Christmas spirit of goodwill is simply overflowing on this thread 🙄

OP your parents sound awful. The pp saying you are at fault are cruel or stupid or both.
You've done the right thing, pulling back from them yesterday and today. The more you do it, the easier it will become.
Have couragtand faith in your own opinion.

It happened. You can't change that. It's fine if this is the last straw. However, how you move on from this and what you do next is crucial. That’s what you should be focusing on , and putting yourself, DH and the kids first rather than the FOG(fear,obligation,guilt).

Just a reminder, you are not their parent. You are not responsible for their feelings or actions. It is NOT on you. You can't change them or save them. They made their choices and are behaving accordingly. That is on THEM.

Hello ops mum and dad.Perhaps next year take the hint😏

Whilst behaviour like this is incredibly difficult to change in another person, it can happen.
Write a letter to your parents. No texts or phone calls. Write a letter detailing how you feel and what you need to change going forward. It may even be worth having a therapy session or two to help you process what you want to say. The letter allows your parents time to absorb and reflect on your words without immediately replying. Detail in the letter that when they're ready to change you will be open and will listen.
Until then, I think no to very low contact would be healthier for you and your family.

Oh how my sides are aching in laughter at this wonderfully original and hilarious comment.

i do think it would be good to hear their opinion
the fact that they booked to spend christmas with you means you do have a relationship, as far as they are aware

Then they thought wrongly.

And as a result of their overbearing behaviour they are now likely to be seeing far less of their grandchildren at Christmas in future, rather than managing to bulldoze people into doing precisely what they want them to do and finding to their shock that they are not quite the pushovers they imagined.

Predictably, any pushback is being met with severe resistance, abusive language, and unedifying scenes. This is likely to have precisely the opposite effect to the one they intended, as inevitably - as with this Christmas - a final straw breaks the camels back. This is the stuff of which NC, or at best VLC, is born, but abusive personalities of DF's type can never see this.

I can guarantee there will then be a variation on the script of 'I have no idea what I did wrong!'

Smart move.

Oh my God talk about drama.
Just talk it out in person

Indeed I’m known for my hilarity.Sarcasm on the other hand is the lowest form of wit..

Nah, only to those who rightly deserve it.

I agree with this. It wouldn’t have killed you to make them feel welcome instead of the family leaving them alone and then your DH bollocking them for trying to change that.

It wouldn't have killed them to allow their DD and her family unit to spend Christmas in the way they wanted, but Op is supposed to modify her plans to make them happy (because spending a day as a couple is so intolerable to her parents?) while they get "rewarded" for ignoring her boundaries?

Does Op ever get to have a day or does she have to martyr herself and her family unit for the wants and needs of her abusive parents forever?

@merrychristonabike I think the holiday companies may already be advertising beach holidays for Dec 2025. Might want to get in and pay a deposit now. Someone I know is in Mauritius now and having a love time. Your DM won’t be able to crash that one…

I think the hotel deserves an email from you asking why the fuck they didn't ask you before they added two strangers to your booking? Why didn't you get the heads up someone wanted to have the room next to you and be seated on your table?

Amd you've got to drop the rope with your parents. Whatever you do isn't going to be enough for them, so just do what you want and they will have to accept it.

I think the hotel deserves an email from you asking why the fuck they didn't ask you before they added two strangers to your booking? Why didn't you get the heads up someone wanted to have the room next to you and be seated on your table?

While the hotel was somewhat out of order on this, I wouldn't blame them because the op and both sets of parents had been there together before. So they knew it wasn't 'strangers'.

I suspect that, deep down, they know they're in the wrong.

And yes, they won't have bought the kids presents so that you'll feel like you have to go and see them again this holiday season.
Personally, I wouldn't. Just don't mention the presents again. Pretend you never knew about them, and never acknowledge their absence. The kids will get over it, as I assume they got plenty of other lovely gifts.

In my own long experience of narcs, silence is their most hated thing. They'll sit there and stew like angry little teapots, until they eventually bubble over and start communicating sensibly.
They'll like to think they're holding the kids presents over your head, so a complete lack of response or interest is the best answer.

@WillowTit

the fact that they booked to spend christmas with you means you do have a relationship, as far as they are aware

Having a relationship with someone does not entitle them to do whatever the fuck they want whenever they want.

And you are plain rude.
Congratulations, dearie. Your parents must be so proud.

whatever the fuck they want?
stay at a hotel?
if op really didnt want to see her parents they could have asked for their own table

You do know that some people just can’t be spoken to ‘in person’? I have a fairly relaxed coparenting relationship with my ex, but if anything needs to be seriously spoken about I do it over text as I cannot revert back to the ‘spoken over/interruptions/‘how dare you say anything negative or critical (even if it barely is)’ arguments it turns into. Exactly the sort of relationship I had with my mother who was 10x worse - the only reason I haven’t had to navigate the same issues as an adult with my own children around my parents is one died and the other fully lost interest many years ago. Some people can only be dealt with in a formal, arms length way, for the sake of your own mental health.

@merrychristonabike I'd be furious too, but I'm a bit confused as you said you'd gone to the hotel to escape them, but also that you've been going to that hotel for the past 4 Christmas's? So you've been having Christmas on your own anyway for the past 4 years? Or did I miss something?

..... Or tell them that you have done, and what's the currency in Mauritius.....

OP might have a very quiet Christmas next year if the DPs are accidentally elsewhere.