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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

808 replies

merrychristonabike · 28/12/2024 07:31

Me DH and our kids went to a hotel for xmas - a tradition we adopted to escape the 'where will you be at xmas?' from mum and dad every year. We've invited them and my in-laws before, but it wasn't fun as my parents were clearly put out they were sharing the time with in-laws.
On arrival on xmas eve, my parents were there to 'surprise' us and we were furious. My husband later asked them why they were there and my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick. Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas, ignored him at dinner and left without saying goodbye to either of us,
It ruined the 3 night stay. They didn't bring the kids' gifts - I think so we will still have to go see them and I just can't face it. There's a bit of back story to their behaviour, but it's too long for here other than them being overbearing and intense. And I also just want to know AIBU? And what's your advice yo navigate this?

OP posts:
Dandelionsarefree · 28/12/2024 10:56

user1492757084 · 28/12/2024 07:42

Given that they surprised you, by then it was too late to be anything but delighted.
I think you were rude to react like you didn't want to see them.
You invited them one Christmas after all.

Maybe they felt like sharing a meal with you, without the in-laws, as a surprise.
You could have secreted the Hotel next Christmas to not have a repeat of this year.

The shock of seeing them made you rude; you should apologise.

I hope you do have a nice present opening.

Maybe send the kids with gifts and food and let them have a relaxed day at Grandparents playing cards and Chess.

Opinions like this come from people who are really naive as they never have to be part of a dysfunctional relationship with their own parents.

I do totally get it OP. My mother is like this, she ignores my own wishes and ruins important occasions. She showed up by "surprise" at a holiday destination with my dad, after being told we wanted to spend that week just ourselves. She can ruin anything and can't help herself to be the centre of attention.
It's very very difficult to navigate relationships like this, but please understand you don't have to endure constant criticism/ bickering just because they are your parents. I am in therapy thanks to all of this, and it's the best thing I have ever done.
You are not in the wrong, they are.

Rhaidimiddim · 28/12/2024 10:57

merrychristonabike · 28/12/2024 07:56

They booked in for the christmas package same as us, but booked 2 nights instead of 3 to "give us space".
We had xmas dinner together.

Show quote history

I would have gone home (and locked the doors and drawn the curtains).

Daleksatemyshed · 28/12/2024 10:59

Your DPs don't see you as an adult with her own life Op, your DFs rages at you and your DH because he still thinks of you as a naughty child and your DH as the man who stole you. There's no reasoning with that mindset.
Do they treat your DSis the same way or do they reserve the emotional blackmail for you Op?

lizzyBennet08 · 28/12/2024 11:03

Op
You're dead right for sticking to your guns. I think when the dust settles you need to tell them that your dh is your priority over them and if they can't be at least civil to him then you will have no relationship with them.

This is the tine to set new boundaries and stick to them. Your dad's behaviour to your dh at Xmas has given you this 'out' . Make sure you take it .

Original poster
merrychristonabike · 28/12/2024 11:04

GinToBegin · 28/12/2024 09:34

I swear some posters wilfully ignore pretty much all
of an OP’s updates/clarification just so they can wang on from whatever high horse they’ve chosen to mount. Have we had the ‘you’re lucky, my parents are dead’ line yet?

It patently clear that the OP’s parents are controlling and manipulative, and that rocking up at the hotel was nothing more than a power play. It wasn’t to benefit the OP, he husband or her kids. It was all about them, and it sounds like it always will be, given the chance.

OP, I’d find a different hotel for next year and give away nothing about it ahead of the day.

Agree with this. Thanks.

OP posts:
usernother · 28/12/2024 11:04

Good grief. If I was them, I wouldn't want to see you again. Needlessly nasty way to behave

Rhaidimiddim · 28/12/2024 11:04

merrychristonabike · 28/12/2024 08:48

This! I can understand why some people are saying I'm rude and out of order - because I've posted limited information about the back story - including a few weeks ago when my dad told me exactly what he thought of DH and me (so I was surprised he'd want to spend extended time with us).
But I feel like you understand this situation. Thanks!

Show quote history

Google "the missing missing reasons"

It will lead you to a web site that deals with the phenomenon of overbearing parents whose adult children who have had enough and gone NC with them. Loads of anecdotes like the one you've shared. It provides insights into the mentality of parents like yours, who cannot see that they are doing anything wrong, despite being told time after time after time.

I don't know if it will help you to know that you are not the only one.

GlomOfNit · 28/12/2024 11:07

But they didn't 'gatecrash your Christmas', they surprised you on Christmas Eve at the hotel and it seems from your posts, left later that evening. How precious do you have to be to see this as 'ruining your Christmas' (that, apparently, you'd rather spend in a sterile hotel room than at home if it risks coming into contact with your parents)?

You sound joyless and mean-spirited. We all have relatives who are a bit much to take over Christmas but it clearly means a lot to your parents to see you for at least a few hours and you were rude and miserable.

Original poster
merrychristonabike · 28/12/2024 11:07

AstonScrapingsNameChange · 28/12/2024 10:04

OP I feel for you, sounds awful.

The reason they surprised you was because they knew you'd say no if they asked. It was to deny you agency and choice and that's bullying.

When you say you 'were furious', do you mean you felt furious and tried to hide it or you actually behaved in a furious way and shouted at them in the restaurant? I assumed you meant the former.

You are allowed boundaries and you are allowed to get your needs meet too. They need to take responsibly for their behaviour, which may mean they end up spending a lot of time just the two of them. They aren't 'alone' as some posters have manipulatively described it, they have each other.

They are adults, they could choose to behave better and if they don't, you are allowed to choose to not be in their company.

Hi. Yes - I was furious but wasn't going to say anything until after xmas, but my husband broached it and asked why they'd booked and my dad went mental at him and caused a scene.

OP posts:
Original poster
merrychristonabike · 28/12/2024 11:08

Yousay55 · 28/12/2024 10:12

Families can be so complicated and feelings are heightened at Christmas.
I suppose you know that next time you want to be alone you simply don’t tell them.
I hope things improve in your relationships in the future.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
merrychristonabike · 28/12/2024 11:10

LuluBlakey1 · 28/12/2024 10:18

Text them and say

''Christmas was awful and I am very upset at what you chose to do and the way you treat DH. I do not wish to have any further contact for the next 6 months at least. We all need a complete break from each other to give us time to calm down and reflect on whether we can actually repair the relationship and change it going forward.

I would hope we can and that you can change your behaviours and we can establish some appropriate boundaries, but am prepared to accept that might not be possible in which case we will not have a further relationship.

Please do not attempt to contact any of us. There will be no response from us. You are not welcome at our house. Any letters will be returned unopened and I have blocked you on phone/email/social media.'

Just let them stew on that. No doubt they'll be furious , dramatic, and all the rest but let them get on with it. Don't give in. I think you'll find you are happier without them in your life. They will, of course, remove you from any inheritance, but sounds like a price worth living with to me.

They both sound highly manipulative .

Edited

This is helpful, thank you. The thought of my dad's reaction to this is frightening. He's an explosively-angry person.

OP posts:
MILLYmo0se · 28/12/2024 11:10

She should be so lucky...... The GPS saw them Monday, were at hotel Tues, Weds, Thurs and have tried to insist on 2 meetups since, it's only Saturday!

BlueSilverCats · 28/12/2024 11:10

GlomOfNit · 28/12/2024 11:07

But they didn't 'gatecrash your Christmas', they surprised you on Christmas Eve at the hotel and it seems from your posts, left later that evening. How precious do you have to be to see this as 'ruining your Christmas' (that, apparently, you'd rather spend in a sterile hotel room than at home if it risks coming into contact with your parents)?

You sound joyless and mean-spirited. We all have relatives who are a bit much to take over Christmas but it clearly means a lot to your parents to see you for at least a few hours and you were rude and miserable.

Try reading OP's posts again rather than making up your own narrative.

Failing that I recommend finding a reading and comprehension tutor. Y6 SATS level should work to begin with.

Jennyathemall · 28/12/2024 11:10

WillowTit · 28/12/2024 10:24

curious as to what you do for 3 days in a hotel? particularly with dc
anyone else do this over christmas?

Yes I had the same thought. Wouldn’t everyone be bored out of their brains?

Sossijiz · 28/12/2024 11:10

WillowTit · 28/12/2024 08:31

and you think that is ok?

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Of course! Couples are supposed to spend time together; or if they can't tolerate each other, other people, including their children, are not obliged to be around just to defuse the tension.

MILLYmo0se · 28/12/2024 11:10

At least I think its Saturday, I've entered that stage of Christmas where the days are blurred!

Original poster
merrychristonabike · 28/12/2024 11:12

Runningribbit · 28/12/2024 10:21

It does sound quite full on.

But I’m stuck on you wanting their gifts for the kids but not their company.

I don't want the gifts for the kids - my point about the gifts was that they have them anyway - as they always do, naturally - but purposefully didn't bring them to the hotel so that we would still need to go to their house to get them (as mum asked) even after all that time spent together over xmas at the hotel.

OP posts:
BlueSilverCats · 28/12/2024 11:13

@merrychristonabike

This is helpful, thank you. The thought of my dad's reaction to this is frightening. He's an explosively-angry person.

Remember you are not responsible for his actions. He behaves like that because he chooses to , he can and wants to.

You’re in an abusive relationship, just with your parents/dad. You didn’t "make him do it". He wants to do it .

BeAzureAnt · 28/12/2024 11:15

ErrolTheDragon · 28/12/2024 08:02

YANBU, and neither is your DH.

Go somewhere else next year and don't tell them where, as they evidently can't respect (or maybe even recognise you have the right to any) boundaries.

Yup. I just can’t imagine the cheek of doing something like this.

BlueSilverCats · 28/12/2024 11:15

usernother · 28/12/2024 11:04

Good grief. If I was them, I wouldn't want to see you again. Needlessly nasty way to behave

Well hopefully you are them, because that would make OP's life a million times easier.

RTHJ14 · 28/12/2024 11:17

@merrychristonabike sending much post Xmas sympathies.. I feel your pain.. we were manipulated into a situation to exclude the in-laws this year too!

Honestly unless people have lived with this kind of relationship they just don’t seem to get it..

The best Xmas I’ve had in 20 years was the Covid Christmas where it was just us and the kids and the rules/logistics meant there was little other option.. for those who think I’m truly awful then they haven’t lived with the constant drama and manipulation which starts in about September year after year and causes unnecessary stress and strain for all. For all those who say ‘set the boundaries, alternate.. all the sensible things I would say to other people unfortunately that just doesn’t work.. and I’ve tried!

still.. done for another year.. pass the wine!

TwinkleLights24 · 28/12/2024 11:17

I’ve seen adult kids ‘surprise’ their parents on a two week holiday abroad. They turned up with prams in tow and kids running around them.

Their faces were an absolute picture. So selfish not to leave whoever has booked the holiday to enjoy it in peace.

Tink3rbell30 · 28/12/2024 11:19

Why do they dislike DH?

Original poster
merrychristonabike · 28/12/2024 11:19

confusedlots · 28/12/2024 10:54

@merrychristonabike I'd be furious too, but I'm a bit confused as you said you'd gone to the hotel to escape them, but also that you've been going to that hotel for the past 4 Christmas's? So you've been having Christmas on your own anyway for the past 4 years? Or did I miss something?

4 yrs ago we went as something different as we wanted to avoid hosting, again, with children. We loved it and the next year invited both sets of parents to enjoy it with us. It wasn't great. My dad latterly complained it wasn't great as he doesn't find my ILs to be good company or his level of conversation (his words). So last year we did it again to be alone, mum cried every day in the run up to xmas saying it would be the worst ever and we did it again this year - and they also booked without our knowledge in November so they would!'t be left out.

OP posts:
Original poster
merrychristonabike · 28/12/2024 11:21

Daleksatemyshed · 28/12/2024 10:59

Your DPs don't see you as an adult with her own life Op, your DFs rages at you and your DH because he still thinks of you as a naughty child and your DH as the man who stole you. There's no reasoning with that mindset.
Do they treat your DSis the same way or do they reserve the emotional blackmail for you Op?

Completely agree with this. They're not as bad with my DS as she lives further away. They don't like her partner either and bitch about them to us and likely vice versa.

OP posts: