To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

[merrychristonabike]

Me DH and our kids went to a hotel for xmas - a tradition we adopted to escape the 'where will you be at xmas?' from mum and dad every year. We've invited them and my in-laws before, but it wasn't fun as my parents were clearly put out they were sharing the time with in-laws.
On arrival on xmas eve, my parents were there to 'surprise' us and we were furious. My husband later asked them why they were there and my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick. Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas, ignored him at dinner and left without saying goodbye to either of us,
It ruined the 3 night stay. They didn't bring the kids' gifts - I think so we will still have to go see them and I just can't face it. There's a bit of back story to their behaviour, but it's too long for here other than them being overbearing and intense. And I also just want to know AIBU? And what's your advice yo navigate this?

Post that again in English, after you read all the OP's posts properly

@merrychristonabike I'm annoyed for you and hope you managed to get some good times in with the kids over the festive break in any case.

Ref your parents - your DD sounds toxic and your DM adds to this. I think you're right, they thought they weren't invited versus they wanted to surprise you, but whatever the motive they behaved appallingly.

This year I refused to leave my 22yo son on it's own and spend Christmas day at a restaurant with my DM. She took Uxbridge, but eventually my DSis hosted her. I've done this for the last 4 years and on Boxing Day my DM was rude and attacked me - her old age dementia is escalating, so I've put distance between us. I may call her in a few weeks but as I am significantly less stressed and happier I may leave it longer...

I think some space and time may work for you too. I'd suggest only visiting your DPs as often as you do your in-laws and see if that helps. Your DH was right to challenge them and support you BTW, so good for him.

Good luck.

I think you need to take a decent length complete break from them. You probably need to block them for this or at minimum mute them. Your dad sounds like you cannot make any progress with him and there is no benefit talking.

Or they are like her parents and don't see a real problem with the behaviour. I often think people advise others to be tolerant of bad behaviour if they themselves are badly behaved.

From Christian perspective yes
Even though as a Christian I have boundaries which I keep and that might mean goodwill from a very looong distance

Sounds like your parents are still trying to control you and what you do OP. Always managing to make them look the victims. They view you as an extension of themselves and require you to do as you're told by them. They look to you to give them their happiness.

My DM has always been the same as this. Guilt tripping and emotional blackmailing me. It's very very hard to move away from these emotional ties whilst still trying to maintain some kind of nice relationship because I'm sure your parents have been lovely at other times in your life. You have my sympathies as I know how hard it is to navigate.

I would equally be furious that they turned up at the hotel. And for the way your F spoke to your DH. I imagine your DH is fed up of seeing the effect all the emotional blackmail is having on you and chose to question your parents at the time rather than leave it, I.e. allowing their dreadful behaviour to go unquestioned.

Her parents are bullies and out of order.

That day will not come. I sometimes wonder if people who ride roughshod over other people's lives, who don't care who they hurt or inconvenience or upset justify it by saying "well someday I won't be here and they'll miss me then" The sad thing is that people who are angry and inconsiderate and selfish are not missed when they die - no matter how much their hapless children loved them.

Yes yout are being unreasonable. Xmas is a time for family and you are clearly going out of your way every year to avoid them. You are the problem.

but also: why the poster bears this shit and even kept bearing it up to now

Basically. What else would be the case

Then why is she telling them what hotel she’s at? She’s clearly in good contact with them to tell them all her plans for Christmas ??? If they are so abusive why are they still in her life she should have put a stop to it. ?? If my parents were abusive my whole life and now I’m an adult I certainly wouldn’t tell them my plans I have with my family and I definitely wouldn’t be in contact with them !

Thank you exactly my point ! No point coming on here posting a whole load when poster is clearly in regular contact .. what you allow will continue. !

My inlaws are the same with their "bickering" and they do not care about creating a bad atmosphere. They have been told numerous times. It's like they suck the fun out of the air.

Because only Bad Daughters walk away from their parents. It takes a lot to get strong enough to cut that tie. I’m pleased for you that you have, or that you haven’t needed to.

Next year, make your reservation, tell them you have your normal reservation, cancel it, and stay home. Maybe even invite the in-laws over. Better yet, just go visit the ILs.

And I definitely wouldn't go to their house to pick up those Christmas presents for the children.

Tell us that you have no idea about how life is with abusive parents etc.

Well let me educate you. An abused child has had this since birth. They know no different. They were raised to walk on eggshells, they were raised to "not make daddy angry" and to "not make mummy cry". That is all they know. As adults they learn better lessons and as parents themselves, they see the horrible treatment they got, but that "dont make daddy angry or mummy cry" is drummed into their DNA and they struggle to fight it.

Its so fucking easy to sit on the internet and say "Well what I would do is...." sitting there safe in the knowledge that you will never have to.

How DARE you sit there all superior that you know best when you know nothing at all? What the hell do you think gives you that right?!

I do know what its like, and sadly judging by this thread alone, so do a lot of other people. You dont. Clam up.

I recommend the CGE SATS comprehension scheme.

You know, I don't

I had a 'normal' childhood with 'normal' parents

But I've read enough and seen enough to understand what people like the OP have been through and go through

I don't understand why so many fail to understand.

Lack of knowledge? Lack of belief? Lack of imagination? Or just sheer spitefulness?

You obviously can't be bothered to read OP's posts. OP's parents are abusive, particularly her father. They are the problem.

But by placing them next door they revealed a) that the OP was staying there and b) in which room they were staying. That is a data breach even if they didn't spell out the numerals.

Oh, it’s the old “One day they’ll be dead and THEN you’ll be sorry” routine? Pathetic, tacky emotional blackmail.

I hate to be the one to tell you, but everybody dies. Everybody, from the loveliest kindest people alive to absolutely evil scum, dies. If “One day I’ll die, so in the meantime put up with any old shit” is the approach we’re taking, absolutely anything and everything is forgivable - because after all, you’ll regret it when they’re gone, right?

If the OP’s parents carry on like this, maybe the Christmas when they’re no longer there WON’T break her heart. Maybe the opposite. And that really would be sad.

Who given me the right. ? It’s a discussion on the internet and I given my opinion I certainly don’t know who rattled your cage! Now
jog on to bed looks like you need it ! 😂

@Bubbletrouble2 you can have your opinion, that doesn't mean other people can't tell you exactly how wrong you are, and if they're kind enough, draw it with crayons.