To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

[merrychristonabike]

Me DH and our kids went to a hotel for xmas - a tradition we adopted to escape the 'where will you be at xmas?' from mum and dad every year. We've invited them and my in-laws before, but it wasn't fun as my parents were clearly put out they were sharing the time with in-laws.
On arrival on xmas eve, my parents were there to 'surprise' us and we were furious. My husband later asked them why they were there and my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick. Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas, ignored him at dinner and left without saying goodbye to either of us,
It ruined the 3 night stay. They didn't bring the kids' gifts - I think so we will still have to go see them and I just can't face it. There's a bit of back story to their behaviour, but it's too long for here other than them being overbearing and intense. And I also just want to know AIBU? And what's your advice yo navigate this?

I'm amazed you have been able to get away with not having Christmas with your family/in-laws. For years we were 'summoned' to attend Christmas with my in-laws in London (mine are overseas). This is despite them not wanting to have anything to do with us for the rest of the year and making sure that they were always away over the school summer holidays (usually on a cruise) when we could have done with a little help with our kids (they had no other grandchildren in the UK). This led to annual arguments with my wife (who didn't want to go but felt 'family obligation'). It was all about keeping up appearances with their friends on London (now mostly dead) who did appear have family who wanted to spend Christmas with them, so my in-laws didn't wish to appear estranged. These dreadful tense false festivities were an annual blight on our lives. Bah humbug!

Don’t tell them where you are going & ask them to post your children’s gifts if they can’t tell them to keep them as there is obviously an underlying issue. Do what you think is best for your family.

If they wanted to spend Christmas with them why not take the children’s gifts. ??? You can’t choose your family & disrespecting her husband is wrong.

I'd tell them, I love you but your attitude towards my DH is tired and immature and there's always tension and unpleasantness. We will pop and see you for a few hours on Boxing day, if we don't go away. Otherwise, Christmas is for us, that's me and MY family.

YANBU that they “surprised” you is probably because they knew you’d say no. You’re allowed time for you and your family away from them, see how your DH parents reacted by simply respecting your boundaries.
It’s exhausting to have the same conversation with people especially when they refuse to see your pov but hold your ground. You didn’t do anything wrong, they did, and they’re probably embarrassed and angry that they were called out.

I can imagine that your anxiety is through the roof, with all that is happening with your parents. This Christmas, we went abroad. For very different reasons but it was the best Christmas ever! Maybe this would be something for you, your husband and children? Don't tell your parents though!

What’s a Santa gift ???????
the ones the children asked Santa to bring the ones the kids will have been excited about.
dear god

This is such an upsetting situation. At some point, I would suggest you talk to them about how you feel. Perhaps, as others have suggested, you get some counselling first, to unpick why you feel you need to keep the peace and appease them. It means that your needs are not met and that is detrimental to your health. You have every right to spend Christmas without your parents.
They need to respect your boundaries.
I wouldn't rush round to collect presents. Perhaps it's best to let the dust settle.

I suspect you were all to blame here. You and your DH were rude to them. They should not have just turned up.

The nice thing about family is that you can be blunt in the way you can't with friends, IMO. I'd tell them all the things you've told us here. If you don't nothing will change.

They might go off in an almighty sulk, or the penny might drop that they've behaved in a way they had no idea was unreasonable. Either way, it'll clear the air and they will have no option but to take on board the way you feel otherwise they'll risk losing contact with their grandchildren, which I'm sure they won't want!

@merrychristonabike best and easiest Christmases I had were dc and I, in a hotel, in the sun. Didn’t tell anyone else where we were going and it was bliss. Think of it for next year. Oops, this year.

As a Gransnetter, I feel so sorry for your parents. Without knowing the full background, I think you were hard and possibly rude and your husband equally so. They wanted to share with you and their grandchildren and were perfectly entitled to book into the same hotel. One of you needs to be the "better person" - why not let it be you and gently let things go by going with the children to collect the presents and being gacious about it. Make sure the children, if they are old enough, drop a little card to thank them for the gifts, it means such a lot. In time I hope things heal properly.

Very good point!

YANBU but I'd have been even more furious at this!! Really, you should have gone to reception and asked to be moved away from them, and same with the meals. I'd have made it very clear to the hotel that you didn't want to be next door or sharing tables with them!

Too late now, I know. Your parents sound awful. Glad you & your DH are standing your ground.

Do Gransnetters not bother to read all the OP's posts before dispensing their ill-informed advice? If you had, you would know the full background of how awful OP's parents are, particularly her father. OP already is the better person, so she doesn't need to pander to her abusive father.

This won't be a GDPR breach. They will have called up and asked to be put next door to Mr. & Mrs. MerryChristonaBike. No room numbers would have been given out when doing this when reserving their room.

IF however, the receptionist actually gave out their room number to them, then that is a security breach, which should not have happened, but not a GDPR breach.

I feel this would be a different story if you all got on with your parents. Them turning up would have been a wonderful surprise but yous don't get on so it wasn't wonderful.

I think your husband could have waited before he said something, maybe the time spent together would have been different if he'd just waited.

It's on YOU to tell your parents how you feel and don't make arrangements for Xmas just to get away from them. Tell them what's on your mind and tell them the reason you don't want to spend time with them. If you don't want to see them next Xmas you need to tell them.

Of course they were entitled to book the same hotel. However, they were not entitled to impose themselves on their daughter's family Christmas, which she'd explicably told her parents that they were looking forward to it just being the 4 of them (i.e. her own family unit). And in imposing themselves, they also imposed themselves by getting the hotel to put them in the room next door, then imposed themselves yet again by getting the hotel to seat them altogether during every single meal.

Just because what they did isn't illegal, doesn't make it any less out of order, disrespectful, and stalkerish.

Why don’t you just spend Christmas with them as they want? From personal experience I can tell you that however irritating they are and however they overshadow the day, there is sadly a strong likelihood that there will come a Christmas when it will break your heart that they aren’t there to drive you up the wall.

I’m shocked by your reaction. Your parents must have wanted to see you and to share Christmas. The fact that it didn’t work out is unsurprising if your reaction towards their attempt to be friendly (however poorly executed) was met with such antagonism.
I think you are being very selfish

It's ok for people to want to spend Christmas as they want. They shouldn't feel obliged to spend it with the OPs parents because they will die some day - we all will. I would be mortified if I felt that's why my DCs were spending time with me, rather than doing what they want with their own children.

I lost my parents years ago and still miss them so much, every day. They would never have ambushed our Christmas as the OPs parents did.

They asked tobe next door. They booked to sit together for every meal. They wanted to gatecrash op's family Christmas.

Christmas is such a painful time. All this pressure and expectation. "Didn't want to be alone" - I don't understand this need to get together so much at Christmas.

Anyway - glad it's over now for another year 😀

Did you not read any of the OP's updates? Why would they want to spend Christmas with aggressive and guilt tripping family members who have no boundaries and gatecrash their holiday?

sounds like waaaaaay too much missing context in this relationship