To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

[merrychristonabike]

Me DH and our kids went to a hotel for xmas - a tradition we adopted to escape the 'where will you be at xmas?' from mum and dad every year. We've invited them and my in-laws before, but it wasn't fun as my parents were clearly put out they were sharing the time with in-laws.
On arrival on xmas eve, my parents were there to 'surprise' us and we were furious. My husband later asked them why they were there and my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick. Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas, ignored him at dinner and left without saying goodbye to either of us,
It ruined the 3 night stay. They didn't bring the kids' gifts - I think so we will still have to go see them and I just can't face it. There's a bit of back story to their behaviour, but it's too long for here other than them being overbearing and intense. And I also just want to know AIBU? And what's your advice yo navigate this?

What I'm trying to put across is that as an adult one can choose to behave differently. One doesn't have to be conditioned; one can simply ignore. This is real.

Or one can simply not put up with it anymore and put themselves in a situation where they're shouted at and have to "teach" themselves to ignore.

Quite. I'm pointing out that one does have a choice.

Here is an official working definition of abuse that PP might want to update her knowledge:

https://www.devonsafeguardingadultspartnership.org.uk/abuse/emotional-abuse/#:~:text=It%20involves%20the%20regular%20and,their%20sense%20of%20self%20and

Intimidation and threats. This could be things like shouting, acting aggressively or just generally making you feel scared. This is often done as a way of making a person feel small and stopping them from standing up for themselves.
Criticism. This could be things like name-calling or making lots of unpleasant or sarcastic comments. This can really lower a person’s self-esteem and self-confidence.
Undermining. This might include things like dismissing your opinion. It can also involve making you doubt your own opinion by acting as if you’re being oversensitive if you do complain, disputing your version of events or by suddenly being really nice to you after being cruel.
Being made to feel guilty. This can range from outright emotional blackmail (threats to kill oneself or lots of emotional outbursts) to sulking all the time or giving you the silent treatment as a way of manipulating you.

More from RELATE

https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/emotional-abuse

They might know it has something to do with treating your partner badly – name calling or making them feel small – but not be clear on what’s actually classed as emotional abuse, or whether it’s really as serious as other types.

But if you’re on the receiving end, it can be just as damaging and upsetting – and this is reflected in the law. The Serious Crime Act 2015 makes behaviour that is ‘controlling or coercive” towards another person in an intimate or family relationship’ punishable by a prison term of up to five years.

The difficulty is, when you're in a dysfunctional/ abusive relationship your own view becomes very skewed. You can't imagine things being any different and you make excuses for the awful things the other party does (even to yourself) because otherwise the cognitive dissonance of staying is too painful.

Each isolated incident often doesn't sound 'that bad' to anyone outside, but the whole is more than the sum of is parts. This is why it's so painful for those who have been abused and often been gaslit by their abuser, to have outsiders tell them that x or y is not really as bad as they think/ the abuse wasn't that bad/ that's not even abuse is it? Without meaning to, you're siding with the abuser (or appearing to).

Of course learning coping strategies and ways to boost self esteem are useful but this is often near impossible while you're still deep in an enmeshed relationship with an abuser. Often some distance is helpful. As I said above, this doesn't have to be NC for ever, (but could be if the person decided that was preferable to living with abuse - they need to believe they have the right to that option if that's what it takes).

No one outside the relationship, certainly no one here with a little bit of written info to go on can know what's really going on. So no one here can determine whether those behaviours constitute abuse or not - but we don't need to, do we?OP posted looking for help and support. It's really harmful to dismiss the behaviour reported as angry and controlling with well everyone shouts occasionally, that's not abuse. It really depends on the context but from what OP has described, it sounds like it's abusive so why encourage her to believe that it isn't? That's not going to lead to resilience, it's going to be disempowering.

Some of the replies here skate very close to victim blaming and I really implore the posters to stop. These are sounding dangerously close to the age old 'but why didn't you just leave him? ' that women whose partners are violent get told. It's not helpful!

Yes of course everyone's entitled to express their opinion in an open forum but please think about the impact your words could be having on vulnerable readers, who may take them as evidence that they don't deserve help/it isn't that bad/ etc.

Why would you deny a vulnerable woman agency and support?

OP if you're still here I really wish you all the best for the new year and hope you can find the support you need to start making changes in order to have a happier, more peaceful life. We see you. It doesn't have to be this way. Living in fear is not normal and you don't have to endure it. 💐

@SixtySomething what I don't get from your perspective is why would you invest effort, time and even money (if professional help is involved) just to learn how to ignore being shouted at and other abusive behaviours? You put in all the work, for what? Why?

Going NC is not running away from a problem. It is an acceptance of the inability, or unwillingness, of some people to change and an exercising of the right to protect oneself from the, often visceral, impact that they have. If someone is an abuser, toxic bully, or exceptionally difficult person, they aren’t entitled to have everyone around them twist themselves into a pretzel, or spend money and time having therapy, in order to keep the relationship going. It really is okay and can be healthy to say “no more” and withdraw oneself. It often does create some upset for others too but they are not victims of the person going NC! It is collateral damage which is why most people try everything they can before opting for NC. It is far from a painless or easy option.
It is awful to live with the fear of seeing someone’s name come up on a message, the phone ringing, or the knock at the door meaning you are yet again going to have to cope with very upsetting words and behaviour. It is extremely difficult to undo that conditioning, especially if it has been present since childhood. There is no obligation to undertake that work unless you feel you want to and that it would benefit you.
The onus isn’t on the OP to solve all the problems here. She has tried the obvious already. Her parents are behaving like bullies so she shouldn’t be made to feel guilty about taking a firm stand against this.

Surely 'calling out' is just other posters disagreeing with you? I do think you are minimising OP's parents' behaviour, particularly her father's. Whether you think it meets your definition of abuse or not, surely her dad constantly being 'explosively angry', shouting, flying into a rage and not speaking to OP for weeks is abhorrent and frightening behaviour.

Going NC isn't 'running way' from the problem. It's protecting OP and her family from this behaviour as her parents have demonstrated no capacity or desire to change.

"Calling out" implies social wrong doing, 'disagreeing' implies respect for the other person's opinion and their right to hold their opinion. Check it online if you don't believe me.Using 'calling out' suggests I am actually doing something wrong in expressing my opinion.

I'm not minimising the behaviour. I've said clearly that I think it's really bad and OP needs help to deal with it. IMO she MIGHT be unwittingly pandering to it or easily rolling over, which a therapist could help her with. It's worth a thought.

The problem with NC was shown in a recent thread, now deleted because OP got so upset by it, where OP went NC with her family, who then didn't invite her to her granny's funeral as she was NC. OP was devastated, hence the post. She was savaged on MN with criticisms for going NC. That explains the problem with NC it in a nutshell.

I'm really not saying anything uneasonable.

I never suggested anyone was entitled to do these things. I said the OP might benefit from professional help in learning to manage such behaviour, which is clearly very wrong and OP is suffering!
If she goes NC with her parents, then her sister may go NC with her and further unpleasantness will result and so it goes on ....
I am precisely saying that she could benefit from professional help to equip herself in standing up to them.
It's hard to have a constructive discussion when some people jump straight to name calling ('abuse').

No, what you're doing is cherry picking the odd thing of a choice of 100 that would be classed as shitty behaviour instead of abuse. Then announcing that's what it all is.

Far from factual. Seriously lacking in comprehension, if you genuinely think you are "factually accurate."

I'm totally missing the point of the thread but I'm so invested in what hotel this is as it sounds marvellous. I've never considered christmas away like this and might fancy it!

I thought the inability to name change on a thread was to stop sock-puppeting does it not work?

Yeah they've stopped that, but they can't prevent people creating different emails log ins and switching accounts to post on the same thread under different names

Ah get you now! A lot of trouble isn't it, why bother????
Also, how do you spot them?

Good god. Every time anyone disagrees with you you claim it’s a “sock-puppet account”. Err, no, it’s just someone with a different stance.

Upthread I took issue with you being very spiteful and bitchy to other posters for no apparent reason. Two of your posts were deleted by MN as a result. You informed me that I was a sock
puppet account and you were reporting me to MNHQ. How did that work out for you?

I can't see this toxic dynamic in this OP. I thought it was all about Xmas. If my father called my DH a dick, I would be furious and certainly noit require therapy. My father would thoug, firstly for the insult and further for encroaching on our space.

No one has to 'be nice' to people who force you to do things you have chosen not to do, even if they are family. It was not one meal it was an entire weekend away.
The grandparents should have respected their adult daughters wishes not completely run over them with their own plans.
I think a lack of boundaries over time has led to what happened. I feel sorry for OP & hope that her parents can learn to respect her wishes.

How odd. No one else reacted.

@mnhq

I don't really want to say on the thread because then they cotton on and can evade being caught out easier. Just awaiting @mnhq further advice on situation.

Sounds like its time for a different hotel this Christmas but dont tell them which one!

😂 Course you are.

@LePetitMaman - you'll be waiting a long time if you think typing @mnhq does anything useful.

Have you met up with your sister yet OP? Do come back and update us.