To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

[merrychristonabike]

Me DH and our kids went to a hotel for xmas - a tradition we adopted to escape the 'where will you be at xmas?' from mum and dad every year. We've invited them and my in-laws before, but it wasn't fun as my parents were clearly put out they were sharing the time with in-laws.
On arrival on xmas eve, my parents were there to 'surprise' us and we were furious. My husband later asked them why they were there and my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick. Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas, ignored him at dinner and left without saying goodbye to either of us,
It ruined the 3 night stay. They didn't bring the kids' gifts - I think so we will still have to go see them and I just can't face it. There's a bit of back story to their behaviour, but it's too long for here other than them being overbearing and intense. And I also just want to know AIBU? And what's your advice yo navigate this?

Abuse and challenges are two different things.

Well I have a note from my mum anyway.

Reducing contact is about protecting yourself not punishing the other person.

But teacher is very cross, a note might not be enough.

Book a hotel next year and don't tell anyone where it is. TBH i think you also need to feedback to the hotel you stayed in this year that it was not cool to let another party dictate room selection and seating without your knowledge, a lot of people go away to avoid family situations, I would be honest and say it ruined your stay.

Beautifully put! And good advice.

Exactly this! The fucking tiresome "At least you've still got your parents! I'd give anything to be able to spend all my free time with mine, even if they were joy-sucking, manipulative, selfish twats"....
Some people really can't be arsed to see things from the OP's point of view at all...

I agree 100%. I've lost both my parents and I miss them dreadfully because they were fantastic, lovely people. They were not manipulative, nor did they have no concept of boundaries like the OPs.

I'd happily dig up my awful mother for someone to spend Christmas with to see how soon they changed their minds about "giving everything" to have time with their family. (Answer: two hours max)

Are you a doctor’s receptionist?

This is starting to sound like my in-laws. Although in our case, my MIL is no better in her own way and hit and slapped my DH till he was old enough and strong enough to be able to stop her hand mid-arch as it were.
They would do exactly what you’ve described. As an isolated incident nothing was too bad (hence some of the replies) but it was truly awful to live with, My DH got some excellent counselling advice. He tried speaking to them once and they wouldn’t have it. His counsellor said not to try more than once. He didn’t cut them out of lives totally but we completely grey rocked them. Didn’t met and their house or ours and it was short manageable session. Look up FOG and grey rock - never tell them how you feel ever. It worked for us. Since FIL has died we do a little more with MIL but carefully maintain boundaries.
You've got this. Don’t correct their version of what happened here. Don’t comment on their barbs. If it’s hard to vote your tongue, pop to the loo or have a list of safe topics to start talking about, for FIL it was sport or himself! Ignore questions you don’t want to answer.
we used to give them a barb rating on the way home - score out of 10 for the effort and another score for impact on us. It was the counsellors suggestion as she said we should stop trying to change their behaviour. They weren’t up for changing. After about a year, we got home and realised we hadn’t talked about the rating. That felt amazing! Really left their behaviour with them.

So in your opinion, OP should put up with this abuse because they are her parents? Does this apply to all children with abusive parents? That abuse teaches the next generation a bit of patience and resilience?

Do you not see anything problematic with this opinion?

Christ alive, just when i think i’ve heard it all…

No-one has to put up with being angrily shouted at, controlled, manipulated or abused in any other way. No-one has to, and more than that, no-one should.

No ,there's nothing at all wrong with my opinion. It's just a matter of how you slant and interpret the words.
'Putting up with abuse" was used in reply to an earlier poster who used this expression. ` I meant that from time to time one does put up with bad behaviour from one's nearest and dearest, including some of the behaviour described in OP's post. It's part of the normal give and take of life outside of MN. Personally, I would avoid the word "abuse" without defining my meaning. It can cover everything from calling someone a name to serious life-threatening crimes. Also its a very trendy term. When posters say they have been abused by their parents, we don't actually know in many cses whether their Mum called them 'a lazy s-d', or or whether they have been subjected to serious crimes. That's a part of why I say it would be good to be a bit more resilient. Of course I'm not defending criminals. I do think posters should be more specific when they state they have been 'abused' by their parents.

@SixtySomething where do you think an angry and aggressive dad, enough to make OP worry about her mum in the aftermath , stands in your assessment?

I think it sounds dreadful. As I wrote in my first post, I think OP needs professional support to help establish a way of managing the situation. However, I would not call my opinion an assessment, as I haven't any experience of this situation at first hand. Also, I'm not professionally qualified to make an assessment. I'm just talking from personal experience.

But you are objectively wrong. You have been called out by many posters - no one has defended you or your stance? Why are you defending any level of abuse and telling posters - assuming mainly women who are th recipients of abuse to suck it up - we have been fighting VAWG forever - ZERO tolerance is the start point.

Anything less that respectful and polite is unacceptable - why should anyone tolerate shouting - its objectively aggressive, uncontrolled, emotional dysregulation. Why are you being an apologist for that? This is an opportunity for you to learn and support others rather than derailing with 'whataboutery'

These are the abusive behaviours the OP has experienced - in her own words:

He's an explosively-angry person.

The thought of my dad's reaction to this is frightening.

my dad went mental at him and caused a scene.

They don't like DS partner either and bitch about them to us and likely vice versa.

She never sees it from any other perspective than her own.

She's always the victim and I'm always the perpetrator in her eyes.

DM's not entirely blameless in that she's also not behind the door in her constant remarks and observations about me/DH/kids etc.

but my parents were rude to ILs.

And last year mum cried every day in the run up to xmas saying it'll be the worst ever because we weren't doing what she wanted.

but that is always met with disdain and ignored or me made to feel bad for even suggesting it.

I've also sat both parents down several times to talk about how their behaviour affects me but again this is overlooked and over ruled.

But my parents were rude, ungracious, made the 4 days awkward

my dad flies into rage and then doesn't speak to me for weeks.

DH was at the end of the line with their behaviour and the way it's been affecting me.

There's been a lot of upset and stress involved with them of late

and it's a never-ending cycle as they don't recognise

and I try to placate them to keep the peace between them and so on it goes to
the detriment of my happiness as I've done for years.

I do feel they're manipulative,

domineering,

extremely jealous of my in-laws

and generally self-centred and selfish,

dressed up in victimisation

but they completely dominate a situation,

have made it clear they're not big fans of my DH (of 11 years)

and generally suck the joy out of social occasions with their constant bickering,

them being overbearing and intense

my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick.

Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas,

ignored him at dinner

and left without saying goodbye to either of us,

I'm not telling people, especially women, to suck it up. I'm saying it's better to learn the skills to deal with the situation, rather than go NC, which in my opinion is essentially running away from the problem.
Secondly, the essence of abuse, as I understand it, is that it's a misuse of power by the stronger party against the weaker party, where the recipient has no control.
Unpleasant though the behaviour is, which you list above, I don't think a lot of it constitutes abuse. So far as I can see, it's mostly childish and needy.
I'm simply suggesting an alternative approach, that OP learns, with professional help, to understand that she is now an independent adult and her parents don't in reality have the power of an abuser over her. That's all.
I'm afraid I don't respond to emotive and politically-charged language like being 'called out'. I'm simply offering a thought out opinion based on a great deal of practical experience.
I'm happy for you to look at it differently, so long as you're civil, and don't see why I'm not entitled to the same.

I'm not telling people, especially women, to suck it up.

You’re doing exactly that by trotting out the old “But they’re her parents!” line.

Op I've not read all of the thread but have read your posts.

Why do you love your parents?

Do you enjoy time with them?

They don't seem to love you.

If they were friends, would you still bother with them?

Why do people accept more shit from parents than friends?

Why are they held to a much lower standard when they should love you unconditionally & be supportive?

Unpleasant though the behaviour is, which you list above, I don't think a lot of it constitutes abuse. So far as I can see, it's mostly childish and needy.

If that's all you can understand, despite what is so obvious to everyone else, there's not much anyone else can do about that.

What a load of old shite !! Not least because you think going NC is about ‘punishment’. It’s nothing of the kind. It’s simply admitting that the behaviour won’t change and protecting yourself from it.

Well, that is my honest opinion, as well as being factually accurate, ie that, for example, bitching about a family member to other relatives does not constitute abuse, although it is nasty behaviour.
Actually , all I'm doing, to repeat myself, is point out that OP might benefit from some coping mechanisms and that professional help would be a great thing in a difficult situation like this. I think that's more practical advice than going NC.
This is what I've done myself over the years and found it helpful. Eg I have myself learned to ignore people who shout and I'm sure many others do the sme in real life.

have myself learned to ignore people who shout and I'm sure many others do the sme in real life.

Very telling.

Conditioning family members to do what you want by putting them in fear of losing your explosive temper IS abuse