To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

[merrychristonabike]

Me DH and our kids went to a hotel for xmas - a tradition we adopted to escape the 'where will you be at xmas?' from mum and dad every year. We've invited them and my in-laws before, but it wasn't fun as my parents were clearly put out they were sharing the time with in-laws.
On arrival on xmas eve, my parents were there to 'surprise' us and we were furious. My husband later asked them why they were there and my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick. Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas, ignored him at dinner and left without saying goodbye to either of us,
It ruined the 3 night stay. They didn't bring the kids' gifts - I think so we will still have to go see them and I just can't face it. There's a bit of back story to their behaviour, but it's too long for here other than them being overbearing and intense. And I also just want to know AIBU? And what's your advice yo navigate this?

Unlike the OP I was very lucky to grow up in a "normal" loving family. Sadly none of my 3 siblings were alive to meet my children and my parents are no longer with us since my children were teenagers. But I can totally empathise with the OP and understand how some parents/siblings are just completely toxic and narcissistic. We no longer have contact with my partners dad because of his volatile behaviour and our lives are no longer stressful because he is no longer a part of our lives.
I'm so sorry you have had such a rubbish Christmas, because of your toxic parents. I hope you can find the strength to break away from them for at least a short while, if not for ever! You and your DH have done nothing wrong and deserve to be left alone to enjoy your Christmas how you want, with your DC and DH.
I hope 2025 is a better year for you and your immediate family 💐

@Boomer55 if you can "just be happy" at the click of the finger, I want some of whatever you're on.

Normal human beings don't work that way. Doormats do, but then they just PRETEND to be happy, just to make everyone else happy.

Specifically, I would pick DF up on it every time he did it, in whatever way I decided stood the best chance of working.
Beyond that, I think it's clear that OP needs professional help in managing her situation, help which goes far deeper into the circumstances than is possible in MN.
No, I didn't miss any of it. Indeed, I have plenty of personal experience of this kind of situation, so I'm not talking through my hat.
There are several instances in my extended family of people cutting contact with a member of the family. Nothing positive was ever achieved by it, but various innocent bystanders did get hurt in the process.
With the benefit of hindsight, the cutters-off were spreading pain and don't come out of it well. It's far better to stay and fight your ground, difficult though it may be. In that way, things can be resolved. Situations change anyhow. GPs are not going to come cringing back with their tails between their legs because they've been punished in the worst way.
I sometimes wonder whether the advocates of NC have actually done this themselves, or, more interestingly, have ever experienced this as victims.

I’m not advocating that OP go NC with her parents. I agree with you that it’s more serious than a bunch of strangers on an Internet forum are likely to be idea for. But I wouldn’t advise her standing up to her DF every time either. From some of the things OP has said he may be controlling and abusive in which case standing up to him each time would probably not be a good idea.

Going NC or LC with someone isn’t about “punishing” them. It’s about protecting yourself. The point of going NC isn’t to have them change their behaviour, it’s to enable you to live your life without worrying about how their behaviour is going to affect you or having to spend so much time thinking about them.

Are you a teacher?

Your posts are weird. You’re braying for blood - you keep jumping on other people’s comments and seem to really enjoy the prospect of OP cutting off her family rather than encouraging her to find a middle ground.

Surely there's a clear limit to the 'control and abuse' DF can wield now that OP is a grown woman with, in her own words, a wonderful husband and family?

IMO someone in this situation needs to work on their self-confidence and process the reality of the present, rather than remain stuck in past patterns of behaviour. Hence the need for professional help.

One day OP and her DH may need GPs' help.

In any case, I beg to differ about NC and LC. I've witnessed the NC process over decades and found that, far from 'living their lives without worry ...', the cutters-off become stuck in a kind of obsessive resentment and self-pity they can't move on from and take every opportunity of telling anyone they can get to listen about how badly they've been treated. Personally, I don't have much time for it; it does no good.

Having more self confidence doesn’t stop someone being abusive. And someone having only a limited ability to control and abuse you is a pretty low bar for behaviour. Changing your own behaviour from the patterns of the past is, of course, a good idea. And it might well mean no longer spending time with them as they are not a positive in your life and you aren’t forced into dealing with them anymore because you are a child and need their support. An adult and confident approach to people who treat you badly isn’t to keep seeing them and call them out. It’s to stop spending time with them.

I’m sure there are people for whom LC/NC can be problematic for those cutting/lowering contact. Especially if you are doing it as punishment with the expectation it will change their That does seem like a recipe for disaster. I suppose if you have parents who are so poor that it’s something you consider it’s probably not surprising that your own tools for coping might also be poor.

But if you’re not in the class of people so damaged their only response to bad behaviour is to want to punish, then I it can be a good solution and certainly doesn’t have to be something that results in obsession. I have examples in my own family (all my GM’s children went low/no-contact with her except my mother) where there was certainly no obsession and the people cutting/lowering contact just got on with their lives more happily.

I think they must be. Now go back and read the thread properly so you can pass the test. You’re not letting me down, you’re letting yourself down.

You’re not letting me down, you’re letting yourself down.

It's your own time you're wasting.

I haven't advocated going NC. There is a world of space between going NC and realising that you cannot change someone else - especially someone who is angry and manipulative.

Your comments sound like if only OP tried a bit harder she should be able to get her controlling father to be nice to her husband. I think that sounds rather fat fetched.

But I agree, rushing straight from 'no boundaries' to 'no contact' is a massive and possibly unnecessary change.

I’ve also made comments on the thread that suggest’ that ‘low contact’ might be the way to go. The only behaviour the op can control is her own. Her parents have really overstepped completely acceptable boundaries and don’t seem open to conversation about it.

It doesn’t make you a bad person to back away from people who are causing you distress and pain after you have tried to resolve issues and I am speaking from personal experience.

Agree with a previous poster @merrychristonabike some counselling will help you if you haven’t already. People bang on about FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. It may also take the pressure off you and your husband got you to have another place to vent and work on strategies with a professional.

Best wishes :)

I wasn't meaning OP should try harder.

In my own mind, it's a matter of accepting that the individual is like this eg angry, but realising I don't need to be affected by his behaviour eg DF is shouting (as usual). Okay, I knew he was going to do that, so I'm not too bothered. That's the way to go IMO. Just smile and think about something else.

It doesn't work when you are genuinely under their control but I do believe it's feasible once you have your independence.

And I am speaking from experience!

I wasn't trying to say that the DPs need more self-confidence - I meant OP might benefit from building up her self-confidence. Just a thought.

It struck me that since the DPs appear to be behaving like children, a little more confidence might enable her to think of them as needy children and thus feel and be less manipulated by them.

As for two or more people going NC with one isolated person .... There are two cases in my family where two siblings have ganged up against a third and gone NC (for no sensible reason IMO). And yes, they're very pleased with themselves. As for the persons targeted, I do feel very sorry for them.

No - just switched on enough to tell when someone has skimmed the first post and taken incorrect conclusions from it.

Look, if you want to make a complete idiot of yourself it’s no skin off my nose. But don’t be surprised that people point it out.

In my own mind, it's a matter of accepting that the individual is like this eg angry, but realising I don't need to be affected by his behaviour eg DF is shouting (as usual). Okay, I knew he was going to do that, so I'm not too bothered. That's the way to go IMO. Just smile and think about something else.

Angry shouting is never acceptable for anyone.

Why should the OP, her DH and her DC or anyone endure this emotional abuse? What does that teach the next generation?

Sometimes we just have to accept that despite how much effort we put in, the people we love can't give us the relationship we need. Your parents are hurting you. They are putting a strain on your marriage and adding massive stress to your life. You've tried many times to explain yourself, to connect with them, to repair the relationship. You can't row the boat with one oar. They are not interested in compromising so you aren't being hurt. They don't care about your perspective. This is the end of the line in terms of expecting this relationship to become the healthy parent child relationship you might dream of having.
It's so sad and painful I know. But the constantly trying will eat away at you.. there's nothing you can do that will make them happy and love you without all these conditions. They aren't happy people and they aren't able to live without manipulation. That's just who they are. It's them not you.
Make your peace with who they are and don't expect more. Don't feel guilty about prioritising your psychological wellbeing. Look into the "gray rock" method for dealing with manipulative people you can't go completely no contact with.
Change the hotel you go to next year and rely absolutely no information regarding your plans to them or to anyone who may speak to them.
You are absolutely not being unreasonable. Their emotions aren't your responsibility. You've tried to reach out, they have repeatedly refused to make any changes. Thats it now.

As you haven’t tagged anyone, I can’t be sure this particular slice of vitriol is aimed at me. But if it is, let me make it clear - I’m not excited at the prospect of OP cutting off her parents. I understand that that would be an incredibly difficult thing to do.

However, do I think OP has the right to cut contact - and that she should do it if that’s what it takes to break this pattern? Absolutely. OP comes across as a good person who’s been trying to keep everyone happy against the odds. If she now needs to take drastic action to keep herself and her family happy instead, then I for one will be cheerleading her all the way.

I don't think it's about accepting abuse.. it's just about how to deal with people you have to have some kind of contact with. The best way is to work on accepting them for who they are rather than trying to get them to be better or respond better. This is not for their benefit but for yours. When you love someone you can pour so much energy into trying to connect with them in a different way or trying to change them.. as if you just tried harder they would be the person you want them to be... but if someone is abusive you need to stop. You need to accept that they are and always will be abusive. It's not got anything to do with you. There's nothing you can say or do that will stop them from being that type of person.
And then you need to detach emotionally to the point whatever manipulation or abuse they engage in is ineffectual on you. Because you know that's just how they are so you aren't going to waste any energy by engaging with it on any level.

For people who have to occasionally see abusive people for whatever reason then this is the best road to take to deal with that.
It's not about tolerating it it's about protecting yourself by disengaging.

Obviously this is regarding only emotional abuse and only people who aren't in your life all the time.
For example exes you have to co parent with.. or relatives you have to see occasionally and don't want to or or don't have a way to go completely no contact with yet

I don't think it's about accepting abuse.. it's just about how to deal with people you have to have some kind of contact with.

OP doesn’t have to have contact with them though.

She says that currently she does want to maintain some contact with them. That's up to her. I understand how hard it is to go no contact with a parent.
There are ways to gradually lower contact and grey rock the relationship until you feel strong enough to completely stop contact, if you ever do.
Op needs to do what's right for her.

It's not about tolerating it it's about protecting yourself by disengaging.

I agree - detach, disengage, distance. Protect yourself by stating a boundary and a consequence and then calmly walk away. No one deserves to be shouted at. Thats a clear red line. Its emotional violence which is seemingly reserved and targeted for the OP and her family. I suspect he isnt barking and shouting at people in the street.

A very large portion of the population go in for angry shouting from time to time to time!

As for why should OP put up with this abuse..,. Er well, they're her parents!

Perhaps putting up with challenges teaches the next generation a bit of patience and resilience?

Perhaps putting up with challenges teaches the next generation a bit of patience and resilience?

No you've got that wrong. Patience and resilience of what and for what? Abuse and aggression that you are inadvertently enabling by taking it?

Emotional resilence is showing people that they need to communicate and behave in a civil and respectful way by calmly requesting they speak appropriately and then walking away if they dont.