Page 21 | To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

merrychristonabike · 2024-12-28T07:31:37+00:00

Me DH and our kids went to a hotel for xmas - a tradition we adopted to escape the 'where will you be at xmas?' from mum and dad every year. We've invited them and my in-laws before, but it wasn't fun as my parents were clearly put out they were sharing the time with in-laws. On arrival on xmas eve, my parents were there to 'surprise' us and we were furious. My husband later asked them why they were there and my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick. Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas, ignored him at dinner and left without saying goodbye to either of us, It ruined the 3 night stay. They didn't bring the kids' gifts - I think so we will still have to go see them and I just can't face it. There's a bit of back story to their behaviour, but it's too long for here other than them being overbearing and intense. And I also just want to know AIBU? And what's your advice yo navigate this?

RawBloomers · 30/12/2024 00:57

MumonabikeE5 · 28/12/2024 08:13

Whist it might have been an unwanted surprise I think your husband was rude and unkind.

your parents came because they didn’t want to be alone, and because seeing your would be a pleasure. They were happy to surprise you

whilst it might not have been a welcome surprise, I can’t imagine being so rude to people unless I was intent on being NC with them going forward, as it was hurtful and ungracious

You absolute doormat. The rude and unkind people in this scenario are OP’s parents.

They surprised OP because they were aware she did not want to spend Christmas with them and if she knew they were coming she would have made sure she wasn’t there. They knew they were not welcome and thought the public pressure in a hotel would force OP to spend Christmas with them - which it did. Despite her DH being somewhat candid with them, OP did not treat them the way deserved (which would have been to let the hotel staff know her parents had stalked her to the hotel and ask for help ensuring she wasn’t harassed by them while she was there).

stargirl1701 · 30/12/2024 01:19

This just all sounds so shit for you and your family, OP. I hope you can plan better Christmas next year.

Yellowsubmarineunderthesea · 30/12/2024 01:25

merrychristonabike · 28/12/2024 10:07

We were supposed to be meeting up with them and DS and her family today and I've said we're now not going.
My mum has since been on the phone wailing that she's devastated and that I've ruined her Christmas and why am I stopping my children from seeing her? She never sees it from any other perspective than her own. She's always the victim and I'm always the perpetrator in her eyes.
They saw us Monday, were at the hotel Tue, Wed and left Thursday. She was then on at me to come to theirs yesterday (didn't) as well as meeting up at a restaurant with DS and fam today. I think that's excessive to want to see us that much over xmas. Meanwhile, we still haven't seen ILs yet.

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I'd feel totally suffocated by all this family time.

thepariscrimefiles · 30/12/2024 08:13

KikiandCo · 29/12/2024 21:12

Yes - my reply was in response to your derogatory ageist comment. In my view rather than ‘dissing’ people/friends/family in a public forum (even if anonymised) - perhaps trying to speak to them directly with a view to resolving differences might be more helpful?

As OP has said in her previous response to your post, she has tried numerous times to speak directly to her parents about their behaviour. Her parents acted how they always act, her mother in floods of tears and her father shouting aggressively with both denying that their behaviour is a problem.

People normally come onto Mumsnet for advice when they have tried all other avenues to resolve an issue and to hopefully receive not only advice but support and empathy. OP has got this from most posters with a few notable exceptions.

pistachio83 · 30/12/2024 08:29

It's very intense behaviour.

If they had turned up full of cheer and with gifts and excited then it might have been different. Still very intense but palatable.

But they turned up and sabotaged the whole thing and were rude to your DH. This was your event and they had no right.

And not bringing the kids presents is pathetic and unacceptable

I'd be giving them a wide berth for the foreseeable. You need an apology. You only get a certain number of Christmas's with your kids and they messed at least one of them up.

TBH I would go no contact

KikiandCo · 30/12/2024 08:30

Possibly not her intention but some people on this site are making very nasty / personal comments about her parents. If she genuinely wants to salvage her relationship with them and turn things around then perhaps sitting down and telling them how she feels (and listening to their concerns / perspective too) might be a more constructive move? It seems to me that some people (with notable exceptions) are rather enjoying the drama.

MinnieGirl · 30/12/2024 08:47

merrychristonabike · 29/12/2024 22:49

It is so very complicated. And I know from your early posts that you didn't agree with my stance on this particular incident, which is completely fine. But it comes at the end of very many years of back story and incidents and tried-and-failed attempts of discussion and reasoning.
I love my parents very much and would like nothing more than to have them involved in all aspects of my family life - as has happened previously. But the reality is, I have been distancing myself (and my little family unit) from them in recent times because of how they act when they are involved in these moments. They dominate them, suck the joy out of them and make them all about them. We have to listen to my dad dictate and pontificate about everything and then put up with the bickering between him and mum when they're competing for the floor.
Imagine a child's 7th birthday party and your dominating it with football chat with sectarian overtones and him being indignant that not everyone is respecting his intelligence or knowledge on this subject. Does that sound appropriate?

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And this is the tragedy of your situation.
You love your parents dearly and have tried to actively include them in your life and your children’s lives. But instead of being thankful and appreciating how lucky they are to have such a wonderful family, nothing you do is ever good enough. Your husband your job nothing. Soon it will be the children. Just think about how that would make you feel if they start to tell you your children aren’t clever enough, athletic enough pretty enough if they are too fat too thin etc.

The fact that they also dislike your sisters husband makes me suspect they would just like it to be you and your sister and them. Then dad could bully and control as head of the family, mum would get things her way and you and your sister would do as you were told…

You've sat them down and tried to talk but mum denies it all and dad gets angry. So there’s no point in repeating that. Sadly you need to remove yourself from their clutches. You are already worrying about what will happen when you see them. Do you really want to live like that? And keep your children away before they damage them.

Don’t contact them. Don’t block them. Yet. But don’t message them. Don’t agree to any meetings. If they turn up at your sisters be prepared to leave if they start any nonsense. Start explaining to the kids that granny and grandpa are being a bit silly and have said nasty things. This is all down to them and they will never change because they won’t accept any responsibility for their actions. Imagine the future….dad dominating school events graduations weddings…. Stop it now and walk away. You’ve really tried and they won’t behave. You can’t change them but you can change how you respond to them. Your husband and children are your family. Hopefully you are moving further away from your parents so that will help.

It’s so hard when you clearly love them dearly and want to include them but they just won’t behave.

Rosscameasdoody · 30/12/2024 08:51

KikiandCo · 30/12/2024 08:30

Possibly not her intention but some people on this site are making very nasty / personal comments about her parents. If she genuinely wants to salvage her relationship with them and turn things around then perhaps sitting down and telling them how she feels (and listening to their concerns / perspective too) might be a more constructive move? It seems to me that some people (with notable exceptions) are rather enjoying the drama.

OP has posted several times that she has tried this approach. Her mother turns on the waterworks and her dad shouts and denies that they are the problem. Can you explain how you can salvage a relationship with people who behave with complete disregard for anyone else, treat you with utter contempt and then blame you and shout you down when you try to discuss a way forward ?

KikiandCo · 30/12/2024 09:53

You actively listen / hear them out without passing judgment. Likewise - they do the same for you. If the conversation is likely to turn into recriminations then family mediation is another option. Both sides need to be willing to commit with the long term goal of rebuilding trust. It’s worth a shot if their family relationships are valued / worth salvaging.

Longleggedgiraffe · 30/12/2024 10:11

user1492757084 · 28/12/2024 07:42

Given that they surprised you, by then it was too late to be anything but delighted.
I think you were rude to react like you didn't want to see them.
You invited them one Christmas after all.

Maybe they felt like sharing a meal with you, without the in-laws, as a surprise.
You could have secreted the Hotel next Christmas to not have a repeat of this year.

The shock of seeing them made you rude; you should apologise.

I hope you do have a nice present opening.

Maybe send the kids with gifts and food and let them have a relaxed day at Grandparents playing cards and Chess.

Inviting them for one Christmas does not constitute an open invitation to go every year. Gatecrashing is Gatecrashing. OP had every right to be annoyed. Why should she be delighted at others bad manners? I'd be pissed if it happened to me too. People with bad manners need to be called out on their behaviour, not welcomed into the fold.

thescandalwascontained · 30/12/2024 10:17

KikiandCo · 29/12/2024 20:25

Perhaps speak to them directly rather than dissing them publicly?

It's an anonymous forum where people can field opinions and ask for support, FFS. She's not publicly 'dissing' her parents. 🙄

Tikityboo · 30/12/2024 10:20

KikiandCo · 30/12/2024 09:53

You actively listen / hear them out without passing judgment. Likewise - they do the same for you. If the conversation is likely to turn into recriminations then family mediation is another option. Both sides need to be willing to commit with the long term goal of rebuilding trust. It’s worth a shot if their family relationships are valued / worth salvaging.

Likewise - they do the same for you.

They dont tho.

The OP has tried for decades to communicate in a civil way and their response is repeatedly 'frightening' and 'explosive anger' or 'weeping and wailing'.

Expectations and boundaries need to be clearly and simply stated and the consequences of overstepping them and/or emotionally abusive behaviours as above need to be consistently enacted and held firm until a change in behaviour results.

They are irrational and dysregulated in all relationships in their lives. Words are a waste of breath. Calm actions are the OPs only recourse.

BlueSilverCats · 30/12/2024 10:23

KikiandCo · 30/12/2024 09:53

You actively listen / hear them out without passing judgment. Likewise - they do the same for you. If the conversation is likely to turn into recriminations then family mediation is another option. Both sides need to be willing to commit with the long term goal of rebuilding trust. It’s worth a shot if their family relationships are valued / worth salvaging.

With a mum that wails every time things don't go her way and a dad that flies into rages ? Seriously?

And the thought of them agreeing to family mediation is seriously deluded.

Babadookinthewardrobe · 30/12/2024 11:55

LePetitMaman · 29/12/2024 20:28

Ohhhh, you're that poster I put in their place under a new account name.

Got it.

(That I have reported @mnhq aren't fans of sock puppet accounts)

No, I’m not but whatever. Have a good day.

AstonScrapingsNameChange · 30/12/2024 11:55

I wish people would rtft and stop victim blaming. It's really damaging to be told that other people's bad behaviour could be fixed if only you tried a bit harder.

If all it took was a little bit of calm listening, I'm sure the OP could have sorted it out by now 🙄

SixtySomething · 30/12/2024 12:07

Meadowfinch · 28/12/2024 07:44

It seems they wanted to share Christmas with you, or at least with their grandchildren, while excluding your dh's parents. It's nasty and manipulative, they want to gain the upper hand regardless of your wishes. How horrible.

Don't see them until Easter. If they want to visit, tell them you are booked elsewhere. Make it clear their actions have alienated you. That their behaviour is not acceptable.

I'd not tell them anything next Christmas. Choose a different hotel. Make it impossible for them to interfere. Don't tell them where you are going on holiday either. I hate that sort of stuff. It's bullying by any other name.

I think this advice is overly confrontational. Okay, I quite understand why OP is upset, or rather, very angry. However, I don't agree the right response is to cut contact. Surely it would be preferable to find a way of improving the situation? The grandparental relationship is important for children.
I would prefer to work on eg getting OP's father to be polite to her DH, or at least not rude.
There may be something else driving GP's behaviour. We don't know.

klimtchakra · 30/12/2024 13:29

There are some absolutely barmy people on this thread! I hope you're ok OP and not reading too much into the comments from people who clearly have no idea what it's like to live in an abusive/controlling family.

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2024 13:37

Newbie999 · 29/12/2024 21:09

nope. If it is that bad OP may have to have it out with them very soon.

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Have you read her posts at all?

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2024 13:39

SixtySomething · 30/12/2024 12:07

I think this advice is overly confrontational. Okay, I quite understand why OP is upset, or rather, very angry. However, I don't agree the right response is to cut contact. Surely it would be preferable to find a way of improving the situation? The grandparental relationship is important for children.
I would prefer to work on eg getting OP's father to be polite to her DH, or at least not rude.
There may be something else driving GP's behaviour. We don't know.

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Grandparent relationships can be a wonderful bonus

They are not necessary. Especially with toxic people

Skodacool · 30/12/2024 13:51

GlomOfNit · 28/12/2024 11:07

But they didn't 'gatecrash your Christmas', they surprised you on Christmas Eve at the hotel and it seems from your posts, left later that evening. How precious do you have to be to see this as 'ruining your Christmas' (that, apparently, you'd rather spend in a sterile hotel room than at home if it risks coming into contact with your parents)?

You sound joyless and mean-spirited. We all have relatives who are a bit much to take over Christmas but it clearly means a lot to your parents to see you for at least a few hours and you were rude and miserable.

You have clearly totally misunderstood the OP, or, I suspect, not read it.

AstonScrapingsNameChange · 30/12/2024 14:14

SixtySomething · 30/12/2024 12:07

I think this advice is overly confrontational. Okay, I quite understand why OP is upset, or rather, very angry. However, I don't agree the right response is to cut contact. Surely it would be preferable to find a way of improving the situation? The grandparental relationship is important for children.
I would prefer to work on eg getting OP's father to be polite to her DH, or at least not rude.
There may be something else driving GP's behaviour. We don't know.

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And how, specifically, would you 'work on getting OPs father to be polite to her DH'?

Did you miss the parts where she described her father's terrifying rage and how she walks on eggshells to avoid him taking out his disapproval on her mother? And that this behaviour pattern has been going on for years, it's not a one off spat?

Working at a relationship is a two way process, it cannot be all one way. That's abusive.

helpplease01 · 30/12/2024 14:33

They are not respecting you or your boundaries.
you are going to have to spell it out to them exactly what space you expect. And explain how their behaviour affects you.
It sounds like they are blaming your husband for everything. You will need to stand up to them.
I would not go round for a while. Give everyone space. Let your parents understand they need to be invited into your life , not just assume and take over as you have been allowing them to. They won’t like it. You need to make them understand this is on your terms.

CogFire · 30/12/2024 16:35

merrychristonabike · 28/12/2024 07:54

Totally get this - as does DH. He was at the end of the line with their behaviour and the way it's been affecting me. There's been a lot of upset and stress involved with them of late and it's a never-ending cycle as they don't recognise that and I try to placate them to keep the peace between them and so on it goes. I wouldn't have said anything at the time and played along with it as usual - to the detriment of my happiness as I've done for years.
It undoubtedly ramped things up, but I am glad he said something as it's really brought it all to a head - just not at the best time, but as he said - they chose the timing.

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See, I take the flack from my in-laws to be the bad guy for my DH to be the one they blame for LC as it means he can slowly break away from them. I do it for him as I know how much they have tried to ruin his life and still keep trying. I’m proud of him for working though things and needing me to help him do it.

Boomer55 · 30/12/2024 16:53

JLou08 · 28/12/2024 07:54

I agree with this. Why spoil the day for everyone, you could have had a nice day together and spoke about it afterwards. It's not surprising your dad was put out if DH had a go at him. They may have honestly thought it would be a nice surprise for you all.

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This. It was Xmas - best to just be happy and not cause dramas🤷‍♀️

BrightonFrock · 30/12/2024 16:56

Another one who clearly hasn’t read the OP’s posts properly…