To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

[merrychristonabike]

Me DH and our kids went to a hotel for xmas - a tradition we adopted to escape the 'where will you be at xmas?' from mum and dad every year. We've invited them and my in-laws before, but it wasn't fun as my parents were clearly put out they were sharing the time with in-laws.
On arrival on xmas eve, my parents were there to 'surprise' us and we were furious. My husband later asked them why they were there and my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick. Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas, ignored him at dinner and left without saying goodbye to either of us,
It ruined the 3 night stay. They didn't bring the kids' gifts - I think so we will still have to go see them and I just can't face it. There's a bit of back story to their behaviour, but it's too long for here other than them being overbearing and intense. And I also just want to know AIBU? And what's your advice yo navigate this?

Like tagging people to share their reactions to their comments? Yeah, you’re living quite the life.

was it meant to be a secret reaction? for my eyes only?

Well actually, that’s exactly how the reactions function works!

quite pointless and in your case nasty

and again laughter reaction

You could always report me. Although given I’ve used reactions that are available to every user on every post, I’d love to know what guidelines you’re going to claim I’ve broken.

It is so very complicated. And I know from your early posts that you didn't agree with my stance on this particular incident, which is completely fine. But it comes at the end of very many years of back story and incidents and tried-and-failed attempts of discussion and reasoning.
I love my parents very much and would like nothing more than to have them involved in all aspects of my family life - as has happened previously. But the reality is, I have been distancing myself (and my little family unit) from them in recent times because of how they act when they are involved in these moments. They dominate them, suck the joy out of them and make them all about them. We have to listen to my dad dictate and pontificate about everything and then put up with the bickering between him and mum when they're competing for the floor.
Imagine a child's 7th birthday party and your dominating it with football chat with sectarian overtones and him being indignant that not everyone is respecting his intelligence or knowledge on this subject. Does that sound appropriate?

no @merrychristonabike
you do what's best for your family group and your mental health

My Mum used to do this to her parents- she never told me it was going to be a "surprise", she just insisted we had to go because they wanted us there- I'll never forget the look of horror on their faces when we turned up- they hated I hated it and even my Mum hated it. When she tried to pull the same trick a year or two down the line I was determined not to go, I feigned illness , then miraculously improved on Christmas day- she got the message.
This type of "surprise" is never welcome- why would it be- there weren't enough beds or food or even chairs, it was a nightmare all round.
How did they know where you would be staying and when you would be arriving?
I think you made a huge mistake making this information open, if you go to the same place every year, stop doing that.
Clearly they were offended by your wanting to spend time away from them, and this is a backhanded passive aggressive way of letting you know you can't just shrug them off like that, it's packaged as a lovely "surprise" but that is just a cover.
Go away next year, be sure not to tell them where ,or when you are travelling.
I know it's not welcome news but you have to face your Dad over this- tell him he needs to apologise and make it up with DH, or you will not be seeing much of him in future- when it comes to choice between your husband and your kids and your parents there is no way they can win-you need to tell him that, you may lose them, but if you do you are better off without them., if you don't face this now it will fester and only get worse- best to bite the bullet now.

You need to sit down and think whether your relationship with your parents is more important than that with your DH. You seem to be continually appeasing them to the detriment of your DH. Be very careful - this could backfire on you

Imagine a child's 7th birthday party and your dominating it with football chat with sectarian overtones and him being indignant that not everyone is respecting his intelligence or knowledge on this subject. Does that sound appropriate?

Your poor DC. The lightness and joy drained from their birthday celebrations.

We had an insufferable (often hungover) single uncle who was a tedious dominaeering bore at the Christmas dinner table every year throughout my childhood and my memories are of all the tense adults and me trying not to breathe. I resent all the adults for prioritising his attendance and everyone tap dancing around him whilst he monologued incase he kicked off.

I dont allow these types of characters around my children.

Very true

@Tikityboo yes, very true. I've appreciated all your posts tbh - just not been able to respond directly to them all.
Good insight and fair points and thanks for your input.

They are totally out of order and quite honestly, childish. Smacks of entitlement and jealousy (of in-laws). I’d be fuming!

No, they were rude by turning up uninvited and unexpectedly! They were trying to get one over on the in-laws and clearly think they are entitled to be involved despite their previous argumentative behaviour.

why do you assume they’d have a nice day together? It sounds like they ruin get togethers. Why should their behaviour just be accepted? Because they are the grandparents? Because they are older? Respect and boundaries shouldn’t be based on age.

what?! But they just turned up!! That is just rude.

Absolutely agree. I can’t believe some of the replies - I’m assuming either grandparents themselves or people who have unusually perfect family relationships.

Have you read the post? You seem to have completely missed the point. You sound like a lovely person who has a wonderful relationship with their children. The OP does not have the benefit of having a parent like you.

It clearly wasn’t because they didn’t want to be alone!! They wanted to get one over on the in-laws and didn’t respect the wishes of their daughter and their family.

But they were rude to just turn up!

If you had read the thread or even just the OP's post, you might have gained a better understanding of the situation

Exactly, it’s called being a supportive partner!

@merrychristonabike

It sounds very difficult and painful. I had counselling over my Mum’s behaviour - she did some terrible things. Ruined many Christmas dinners when I was growing up.

For whatever reason your parents are not happy people…. Maybe they have a difficult marriage. Their unhappiness is not your problem. That’s on them.

The best piece of advice I ever got was ‘ you can control your own behaviour and reactions.’

So I reckon you do that now. They have really overstepped the mark - it’s quite obvious. You don’t need to explain why it’s overstepping. Your husband said something. It’s clear. So now you withdraw. You send a once a week text update - minimal information, hope you are both well. And you leave them to it. They will get cross and start to lash out. You maintain your line for your own happiness and sanity. Sometimes you can’t make the relationship work in a functional way and that’s ok. They may realise and sort it out. But this is unlikely.

My Mum overstepped massively over the summer when I visited - started to revert to type and reveal all the anger inside her. I stepped away. Told her I wasn’t going to listen.

I text her weekly and phone once in a blue moon. She something’s sends me a message saying ‘hope you have a good weekend’ which is code for ‘I’d like you to ring me.’ I don’t very often. She tries to control everything.

‘You reap what you sow.’

‘And in the end, the love you make is equal to the love you take…’

Best wishes - you sound like a decent person trying to do the best for everyone, but you will get split in half by this and it will make you sad for years unless you get your boundaries in place now. Xx

I remember once on Christmas Eve, I had hired a van (£200) to drive me and a friend and the extra large Christmas presents I had pre-arranged to deliver to my niece’s house far out in the country.
My brother lived across the lane from her and an ambulance was there and we stopped, and my niece’s husband came charging out to the road screaming at me to leave, screaming that he didn’t have to tell me anything. He was in a rage at me — we had spoken perhaps 8-10 words in the entire time I had known him, maybe 5 years.
My brother had just died. I couldn’t leave, because I had these huge Christmas gifts for the little children and only needed to drop them at his house — as arranged with him.
I’ve not spoken with them since, and I miss my brother.
People can be awful for no good reason.