To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

[merrychristonabike]

Me DH and our kids went to a hotel for xmas - a tradition we adopted to escape the 'where will you be at xmas?' from mum and dad every year. We've invited them and my in-laws before, but it wasn't fun as my parents were clearly put out they were sharing the time with in-laws.
On arrival on xmas eve, my parents were there to 'surprise' us and we were furious. My husband later asked them why they were there and my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick. Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas, ignored him at dinner and left without saying goodbye to either of us,
It ruined the 3 night stay. They didn't bring the kids' gifts - I think so we will still have to go see them and I just can't face it. There's a bit of back story to their behaviour, but it's too long for here other than them being overbearing and intense. And I also just want to know AIBU? And what's your advice yo navigate this?

I don't understand how these parents can't see that their overbearing behaviour has the opposite effect of what they want. My best friend's dad has always been very dictatorial and forced her into making decisions that weren't her own. The eventual result has been that she moved 350 miles away from them. And now you've had to do the same @merrychristonabike

some people I guess have no self awareness whatsoever

They are competing for favorite grandparents. This is not a healthy relationship. Children need boundaries.

I think that grandparents really like to see the grandchildren on Christmas Day. It’s only one day in a whole year. Maybe you could go off for your next hotel break on Boxing Day or the period between Christmas and New Year?
Next year be honest and just say you want to be away just with your husband and kids. Don’t say where you are staying. Say you haven’t decided but book it early!
Hope it all blows over.

Yeah, you're not going to fix their behavior through communication. They're crap people and you'd be better off without them in your lives. A period of low or no contact has a slim prospect of bringing them to their senses but I doubt it. Some people are just toxic.

That doesn't help with then being toxic, abusive arseholes the rest of the year though, does it?

I don't understand how these parents can't see that their overbearing behaviour has the opposite effect of what they want.

Words are pointless with irrational people.

They need boundaries and the consequences for overstepping communicated.

Then action needs to be taken.

They then need to feel the impact of your consequence on them ie removing yourselves from their lives for a time and to committ to a change in behaviour otherwise the same consequence will happen again.

However given these parents behaviour cutting out friends / ignoring OP and givin the silent treatment .... it will be a loooong time.

I have a lot of sympathy @merrychristonabike (love the user name by the way, I used that expression yesterday and thought how really weird it is!)

To my mind it’s actually stalkerish behaviour. But then I used to have a mother who would sometimes turn up outside my place of work on a Friday afternoon (teacher) it was the one day of the week I allowed myself to get out on the dot. So I could go for a swim and then do the food shopping. If she wanted to spend time with me she could have texted and organised it in the normal way…

It sounds a complex issue with your parents behaviour (like mine was - my mother was physically abusive). I ended up moving to Australia… one way of solving that and other issues.

Don’t reward this behaviour. When you do have a conversation about it both you and your husband should stick to a very clear script.

‘We booked to have Christmas as a family to relax. We were not expecting visitors we needed space at the end of a busy year. It’s normal to want time alone for our family. (On repeat)’

Or go very low contact - grey rock. I did that for years and after not speaking at all for eight years I’m doing it again. I would recommend completely cutting them out. That will cause you pain and guilt. Grey rock is best - and limited contact. Basically don’t tell them anything important. Remain neutral and unemotional…Text rather than chat if you can.

Best wishes - it’s highly stressful dealing with people like this.

Mine has estranged everyone - even after 60 odd years her best friend.

nope. If it is that bad OP may have to have it out with them very soon.

Yes - my reply was in response to your derogatory ageist comment. In my view rather than ‘dissing’ people/friends/family in a public forum (even if anonymised) - perhaps trying to speak to them directly with a view to resolving differences might be more helpful?

If someone forces themselves on you, act like you're having a nice time and talk about it later.

Hmmmmmmm

But OP's parents refuse to let the other grandparents see their grandchildren at Christmas.

Ageist?! 😆😆

Are you serious?

And I'd really like to win the lottery, but that's not happening either.

Tough titties on both counts.

they left to give the op space after 2 days

Did you tell them where you were going? Massive sympathy btw x

They weren’t meant to be there at all!

it is a free country!

I would feel sad if my children didn't want to see me on Christmas Day. I'd find it hard to understand as I'd always want to see them. Not for convenience or control just because it's special and I love them! But I'd understand if they wanted to focus on their children for the day, so see them Boxing day. I think it's what comes from the heart too , I'd be hurt if they just didn't care I guess.

@BrightonFrock thanks for your laughter, as usual
ahem,
nothing better to do than Mind this thread?

Just because you can do something, it doesn’t mean you should!

You’re desperately trying to make it sound like OP’s parents have done her and her husband a massive favour by “only” staying two days when they weren’t even invited for one. Give it up!

You do realise that, to know how much time I’m spending “minding this thread”, you must be here just as often?

no@BrightonFrock
things to do

Agree. My ideal is to have my parents at everything and include them - as I have done for so many milestone moments in my and my children's lives.
I feel sad that my parents feel it's ok to berate me, my husband and try to micro manage every aspect of our lives. To remark when I've put on weight; to remark when I change jobs (for one which makes me less important in their words) to pass judgement on how I manage my home, to talk about me behind my back to extended family members, and to be jealous that I have in laws who are supportive and caring and helpful. To never be happy that even when we've invited them to join us on summer holidays to villas that it still doesn't meet their expectations and is somehow not quite what they had in mind. That makes me very sad indeed.

sounds complicated @merrychristonabike