To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

[merrychristonabike]

Me DH and our kids went to a hotel for xmas - a tradition we adopted to escape the 'where will you be at xmas?' from mum and dad every year. We've invited them and my in-laws before, but it wasn't fun as my parents were clearly put out they were sharing the time with in-laws.
On arrival on xmas eve, my parents were there to 'surprise' us and we were furious. My husband later asked them why they were there and my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick. Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas, ignored him at dinner and left without saying goodbye to either of us,
It ruined the 3 night stay. They didn't bring the kids' gifts - I think so we will still have to go see them and I just can't face it. There's a bit of back story to their behaviour, but it's too long for here other than them being overbearing and intense. And I also just want to know AIBU? And what's your advice yo navigate this?

YANBU OP, and your DH.
This is totally manipulative behaviour from your parents and I would be absolutely furious - furious enough to change the hotel booking completely for next year and keep it secret.
However I do think a frank conversation will be required in the new year with your parents. Good luck 💐

I can actually see both sides point of view here. I feel like my parents are getting to the stage of needing us more than ever before. We have both sets of parents for Christmas and make the most of them all being here still. One day they won’t and that day will come sooner than you ever think. I however wouldn’t have liked the surprise , but even more so if it was my in laws rather than my own parents. Life is short. Make up and hopefully they can see their part wasn’t right in it all either.

Do you think they did it to piss you off or do you think they where being nice and genuinely though it was a surprise.

clearly your reaction indicates not all is good in the hood between you and your parents.

I’m glad your Husband spoke up, clearly he has your back and after everything this is the sort of partner you want by your side. It’s not like he has done this a lot from what you have said, just when it’s clearly got too much.

I really sympathize with you.
In days of yore when you booked holidays off teletext we booked a holiday to Turkey. We happened to have in laws to stay when we got the stuff about the holiday through the post. I showed them in a general conversation fashion and went for a shower. When I came back down they had rung the travel company to stay in the same place at the same time! Husband went mad- why did you tell them he said!
I ended up moving our holiday but could not change flights so had a whopping taxi ride. i told them there had been an issue with our booking!

I wouldn't want want to go to theirs to fetch the presents if that means dealing withyour Dad - no way. How come they came without the presents anyway? If you think your Mum wasaninnicent bystander then deal withher abiut the parcels.

They have been totally disrespectful to DH aand rude to boith of yoiu. Better for it to have comle out into the open really, don't you think?. I hope the kids weren't too shoicked??

There are times when we have dificult decisions to take in life. If they have been off with DH for 11 years, they aren't going to change. Partners we choose, parents we just 'get' !

Someone suggested oiu should apologise? That is just a joke after hearing your DH being called a dick.

Horrible imposition I’d’ve been livid. I say fair play to your husband for tackling them — it’s his family Christmas they’ve ruined too.

How awful. They need to apologise to you and your dh and kids. Until they apologise that’s it for them being part of your family. You don’t have to put up with these nasty selfish horrid people.

I'd contact your dad and advocate for your husband.

Tell your parents that you purposely go to a hotel to spend Christmas as a nuclear family, so the fact they decided to turn up was a major overstep and super entitled.

I would say that the fact your dad singled out your husband completely deterred from the fact that neither of you wanted to spend Christmas with extended family.

if they try to guilt trip/call you ungrateful over the kids gifts - tell them to take them back.

i would tell your dad that until they both accept some accountability and sincerely apologise, you need to take an extended break from them for now.

Tell them that you and DH are a grown adult couple with your own family now so any decisions you make with regards to your little family, including how you spend holidays, should be respected.

Do you think you could read OP's posts at least? It definitely helps.

Where did you read that between the lines? It certainly says nothing to that effect.

Here are some of the highlights in the OPs own words of her DF & DM behaviour over the past few days:

there's an incredible lack of self awareness with them - they don't have any friends left.

DF has managed to cut everyone out over the years when they don't align with his ideals - he cuts contact with them, and I think their lack of a social life makes them even more intense with us - we are their life and all they have to focus on.

They don't like DS partner either and bitch about them to us and likely vice versa.

The thought of my dad's reaction to this is frightening.

He's an explosively-angry person.

my dad went mental at him and caused a scene.

She never sees it from any other perspective than her own.

She's always the victim and I'm always the perpetrator in her eyes.

DM's not entirely blameless in that she's also not behind the door in her constant remarks and observations about me/DH/kids etc.

but my parents were rude to ILs.

And last year mum cried every day in the run up to xmas saying it'll be the worst ever because we weren't doing what she wanted.

but that is always met with disdain and ignored or me made to feel bad for even suggesting it.

I've also sat both parents down several times to talk about how their behaviour affects me but again this is overlooked and over ruled.

But my parents were rude, ungracious, made the 4 days awkward

my dad flies into rage and then doesn't speak to me for weeks.

DH was at the end of the line with their behaviour and the way it's been affecting me.

There's been a lot of upset and stress involved with them of late

and it's a never-ending cycle as they don't recognise

and I try to placate them to keep the peace between them and so on it goes to the detriment of my happiness as I've done for years.

I do feel they're manipulative,

domineering,

extremely jealous of my in-laws

and generally self-centred and selfish,

dressed up in victimisation

but they completely dominate a situation,

have made it clear they're not big fans of my DH (of 11 years)

and generally suck the joy out of social occasions with their constant bickering,

them being overbearing and intense

my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick.

Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas,

ignored him at dinner

and left without saying goodbye to either of us,

OMG - the cheek. What a pair of creeps!

Hi op,

i think that to navigate this you will need clear boundaries of when and where you see them for Xmas and absolutely no telling of what you are doing elsewhere.

when your DD will grow, it will be harder to keep the secret as no doubt they will prey on her independence to have her either ask if she can see them or where she went. So maybe you will have to just not see them. It is sad really that people with this behavior do not understand that they will drive others away further and further.

it looks like they suffer from this. Maybe consider mediation for you and your parents? Do you know who instigate this in your parents? See if the other one can help...? If they both are so intense...unfortunately... not much to do.

Good luck op 🌺

Why do you think she feels she should appease them? Why anyone having a perfectly normal reaction when her DH us called a dick requires therapy, God only knows, there are lots of causes nothing to do MI, unless you are, of course, American.

I'm not saying get therapy because of this Christmas.

I'm saying it might be helpful to have therapy to unpack the toxic dynamic that seems to exist within the family. It sounds like this dynamic is long-standing.

I had therapy for a similar issue myself as I have a mother with a diagnosed personality disorder and grew up in a very toxic family dynamic. Therapy helped me to see the parts we all play in the dynamic and how to stop playing our own role and protect our mental health.

The fact that OP sees parents weekly out of duty/fear of their reaction sounds quite enmeshed.

I would start googling ‘hotels Christmas 2025’ in a location as far away from them as possible.

Have they a good reason for not liking your DH? Because if they don’t that is terrible behaviour especially at Christmas and in front of your children. And how could they arrive without presents for your little ones? Shame on them.

Totally normal grandparents' tactics. Of course they buy the kids' love and it becomes a weapon.

My Granny never forgave my Mum for not bearing her a grandson to carry on the family name !

She would do anything to make me see her as super special. 'I'll cut the crusts off the toast for you: you can eat the yolks and leave the whites, do you want 3 eggs instead of 2; yes you can have all the crackling off the pork; of course you can leave the cabbage/green beans/brussel sprouts etc. ; yes you can have cream instead of milk on your cereal!

Hi. Sorry for not responding directly to a lot of these posts. I can't seem to reply to a post that's already quoted a post - and there are some really powerful and helpful points made in these that I wanted to thank the authors for posting because I felt they understood the situation and that really helped me. Especially from @binkie163 @thepariscrimefiles @Incenseda @2468KMNP @BlueSilverCats @LookItsMeAgain sorry - I couldn't work out how to reply to the posts at the time - and there's a load of others I wanted to reply to too but couldn't.

I joined MN about 7yrs ago and have to admit I don't think I've ever posted or commented - and I'm viewing on my phone - so don't know if that's restricting the usability or just me being a luddite?
I've found posting here a really cathartic experience. Naturally, there are some posts I feel understand my situation and I hugely appreciate their solidarity, advice and support. I also find it comforting - albeit sad - to know there are other people in similar situations with their parents.
And there are, of course, some posts that have hit differently - and I totally accept that. I posted on here to get external perspectives, especially when nobody knows the history (good and bad - because my parents have given me times of happiness and joy in my life and I appreciate that I could come across as ungrateful).

You are not at all unreasonable. personally if I was in this situation I would have told them politely that it is my family time with husband and kids and clearly communicate to them to not be present in my space. They came to a hotel that you were staying in, so if they want they can continue to stay there but they must give you the space and time you deserve and should not be part of your lunch/dinner etc.

Hi. No good reason for not liking DH, no. We have a brilliant, fun, happy and supportive relationship - that I think I've tested unintentionally by putting my folks' feelings first throughout the years.
When we started dating they didn't think he was good enough for me 🙄 and now they think we're 'above our station' and think that we think we're better than them. This is a construct in their minds. We've never intimated anything like that.

Sorry your Christmas was ruined OP. Your parents should have respected your wishes and let you enjoy your Christmas as a family. Just because they didn’t have better plans doesn’t mean they can gatecrash. Do you think they would have done this if they could have spent Xmas with your DS ( I presume that’s your sister)? Who have they spent the last 4 Xmas’ with if not with you?

I feel so sorry for you OP. Do you think that your parents have ?
got worse over time ,? Are they the same with your DS ?
I agree with others who say not to say when and where you're going for Christmas.
Is it possible to book a hotel using a different name , providing you pay by cash . I had the horrible thought that you dm would be ringing around to likely hotels to find out if you had booked in.

Instead of a 'refuge' hotel, after this shitshow, you can start having Christmas at home again without fear of them turning up if you handle it carefully going forward.

This would be my final straw OP. No more contact. Your father in particular sounds really toxic.

I don't have parents - abandoned as a toddler - and even I think you're doing right by laying down boundaries. Please thank your DH for being such a star and start spending more time with his parents.