To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

[merrychristonabike]

Me DH and our kids went to a hotel for xmas - a tradition we adopted to escape the 'where will you be at xmas?' from mum and dad every year. We've invited them and my in-laws before, but it wasn't fun as my parents were clearly put out they were sharing the time with in-laws.
On arrival on xmas eve, my parents were there to 'surprise' us and we were furious. My husband later asked them why they were there and my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick. Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas, ignored him at dinner and left without saying goodbye to either of us,
It ruined the 3 night stay. They didn't bring the kids' gifts - I think so we will still have to go see them and I just can't face it. There's a bit of back story to their behaviour, but it's too long for here other than them being overbearing and intense. And I also just want to know AIBU? And what's your advice yo navigate this?

Based on my experience, I would suggest that only the OP and her husband should know the name of the actual hotel until they get there.

Are you really that dense?

Perhaps the OP you know.. likes the hotel? Perhaps they maybe just maybe... like going there and enjoy the environment or fancy a break away from home?

There's some weird people on this thread. Either that or thick as pigs shit.

Thank you. Yes - there's an incredible lack of self awareness with them. And funnily enough no, they don't have any friends left. DF has managed to cut everyone out over the years when they don't align with his ideals - he cuts contact with them, and I think their lack of a social life makes them even more intense with us - we are their life and all they have to focus on.

That was our problem too.

DM having no one other than us. No friends. No other family that will entertain her more than once a year.

And she's conditioned me to feel that she comes first above all, or my life is worthless. I'm slowly breaking that.

Solidarity OP x

<<<<slow clap>>>>

Another who blatantly hasnt read OPs post.
They booked for 2 nights. Perhaps pop your reading glasses on.

What inheritance. No on has mentioned inheritance. Or even hinted at it. Are you on the right thread ?

The hotel went along with this, without checking with you first?

'Don’t be so hard on yourself, I imagine you’re only moderately cognitively impaired. I expect most people don’t even notice you.'

@Jennyathemall

With all due respect, Intelligent Jenny, you were the one having to ask why someone would go to a hotel.

Have you never been on holiday before? Or a short break away? And if you have, why did you choose to do that?

And there you have it. You can now answer your own question. Hopefully that was nice and simple for you. I can try and simplify it more, if needed. Did you need a handhold too?

100%

I see many posts where family members try to crash summer holidays, long weekend breaks, etc by booking the same hotel, and mumsnet is scathing over such behaviour. Add 'Christmas' to the holiday break and it's like they've all done a 180!

@LePetitMaman thank you x

Because most people don’t feel the need to lie about where they’re going in case family members turn up uninvited. Because most people wouldn’t behave in such an unhinged way.

I don’t think I told my parents the name of the hotel I stayed in on my last holiday, because I had no reason to do so. But I certainly didn’t actively keep it from them in case they booked in there too - because why would anyone do that?

I didn't see DS as didn't go to the meal. She's met up with the parents today with her partner and kids. I haven't heard back as to how it's gone. I've had a nice day visiting ILs and will be travelling to see DS and her fam with my DH and kids next week.
I still feel dread in the pit of my stomach as to how it's going to pan out with parents over the coming days/weeks.

What? Are you really saying OP and her family should have found another hotel on Christmas Eve, at huge inconvenience and expense, because her parents lacked the basic good manners and common sense not to gatecrash their daughter’s Christmas?!

But presumably you chose to go on holiday with other families, rather than them just turning up?

People who actually invited them? It’s quite telling that nobody did.

Ironic that on a thread about bullying you seem you be getting your kicks by tearing shreds off the other poster. Tone it down why don’t you, your OTT nastiness is unnecessary.

Your parents sound rough as nails. Totally classless. I’m sorry they ruined your Christmas, OP

I tried to have an " adult " conversation " with mine which resulted in even more stress because one of them doesn't like hearing the truth. Sometimes MN is a place to come and clear your thoughts to strangers. No harm all.

I often wonder why comments such as yours get put on here as forums, social media, blogs etc are made for things like this 🙄

Yes, it's going to be difficult, I'm afraid. If they sense they're losing the grip of control they exert over you, there will be instant pushback, and it will be strong. Google 'extinction burst'.

However, this will be your situation for the rest of your life unless you actively change it. In order to change it, there is nothing for it but to ride through this particularly destructive wave. It helps to understand some of the patterns coopted by abusive families, and to develop non-defensive strategies for dealing with them. Susan Forward's excellent book, Toxic Parents, helps to do just that. It's a game-changer and I can't recommend it highly enough.

You have some stormy waters to navigate, OP, but if you do so you'll emerge on the other end smooth-sailing, with peace in your life. Do nothing, and things remain exactly as they are.

I don't think this is any longer an option. In some ways perhaps it's good that things came to a head over these Christmas holidays in the way they have. You can get through this - and you don't ever have to spend another Christmas in an action replay of this one. Wouldn't that be the ideal gift?

Thanks @SerafinasGoose x

If you have an open and honest relationship with your sister I would aim to nourish it but I would be careful not to triangulate the relationships as this could just feed / fuel toxicity.

You may decide that a simple boundary is that you tell her in 3 simple lines what happened and what the consequence is and that you dont ask and she doesnt tell you any information about their situation as any feedback will get under your skin.

I would consider that you have been stuck in a FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) family dynamic and seek professional support to unpick this so that you are more confident moving forward.

As PP said expect them to up the ante to yank your chain - but be prepared to weather the storm and dont walk into any of their traps.

They need a nice long stretch of distance to reflect - but dont expect them to change.

This is good advice - and I think you're right about the FOG thing too. Thanks.

What do you think childless couples do?

OP, is there any reason to maintain contact with them, other than your fear of how your dad's anger may manifest towards your mother?

It doesn't sound as though they bring anything positive to your life. I get the FOG thing but, honestly, it sounds as though you'd be happier without them in your life.