To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

[merrychristonabike]

Me DH and our kids went to a hotel for xmas - a tradition we adopted to escape the 'where will you be at xmas?' from mum and dad every year. We've invited them and my in-laws before, but it wasn't fun as my parents were clearly put out they were sharing the time with in-laws.
On arrival on xmas eve, my parents were there to 'surprise' us and we were furious. My husband later asked them why they were there and my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick. Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas, ignored him at dinner and left without saying goodbye to either of us,
It ruined the 3 night stay. They didn't bring the kids' gifts - I think so we will still have to go see them and I just can't face it. There's a bit of back story to their behaviour, but it's too long for here other than them being overbearing and intense. And I also just want to know AIBU? And what's your advice yo navigate this?

Have you considered moving out of the area?

Every post makes your DPs sound worse Op.
Your DSis moving away has made them cling even tighter to you and it's telling they don't like her DH either.
One day your DPs will start on your children, they won't want them having their own lives and not seeing them every week. You'll have a choice then, take your DC side or let them be bullied and emotionally abused just as you are now. Or you can get therapy and stand up for yourself now and save yourself and your DC from all that.
New Year, new start Op

Yes, that is how he controls others- by scaring them with his potential reactions or behaviours so he gets his way.

This is ridiculous. Let’s ignore for the moment that you’ve completely missed that they didn’t just pop by on Christmas Eve, but actually stayed for two days. What kind of person thinks this sort of “surprise” is normal behaviour? That it would in any way be a pleasant surprise?

OP previously invited her parents and in-laws to join them. It was a disaster. Anyone with even the tiniest bit of self-awareness would twig that, if none of you were invited to join on the next occasion, it meant you weren’t wanted - not that you should organise to join behind their backs and turn up shouting “Yooo-hoooo! Sur-priiiiise!!!” as if it was a wonderful treat.

On the off chance that this really was a genuine attempt at a nice surprise (ha!), why, when it became obvious that it was actually a completely unwelcome intrusion, were OP’s parents not mortified at getting it so wrong? Why didn’t they apologise and either go home or, if it was too late to do that, offer to give them as much time as possible to themselves and make clear they would never, ever do this again? They didn’t do any of this. Instead they ripped into their son-in-law, told him how much they’d always disliked him, spent days refusing to speak to him… you know, the husband of their own child and the father of the grandchildren they’re meant to adore?

OP’s parents knew very well what they were doing. They wanted it to be a fait accompli - and to get one over on the in-laws at the same time. It’s appalling behaviour that shows no consideration for the people they’re meant to love most in the world.

This is a great post.

Given that they surprised you, by then it was too late to be anything but delighted.
I think you were rude to react like you didn't want to see them.

Which is exactly why they did it. So bloody manipulative.

If this was any other break or holiday away everyone would be outraged at the parents gate crashing but because it's Christmas it's ok? Err no.

I'm seeing this as an issue your father has with your DH.
Why does what he say rule the roost??

My advice echoes with what a lot of others have said already - don't visit them to collect any gifts they may have bought for their grandchild(ren), don't reach out to them either. Leave them be for a while. They will probably get tired of tripping up over the gifts they have for the kids or they'll miss seeing them or something so when they do reach out, be ready and ask for an apology. You're all adults and you deserve to be treated with respect. When they respect you, you'll resume contact. Until then, just let them be.

Next year pick a different hotel!

This. 💯

Your Dad is the bully here.
It's not your job to police his bullying for your mother. You can point out to her that she is being bullied but that's it. Anything else is up to her.

You can however keep your children away and not expose them to the bullying.

I wouldn't send the message that was quoted in your post @merrychristonabike but I would follow the suggestions in it to the letter.
Don't have anything to do with them for a long time.
Do return any mail/gifts to them until you are ready to resume contact.
Do prepare yourself for the frightening explosive angry person that your father is. Don't back down.

You will come out of this a lot better than you went in.

I see the Mum as a covert bully also - she does the weeping and wailing victim in floods of tears in order to control and manipulate .... whilst the DF with his 'frightening, explosive, anger' is of the more overt type of bully.

They enable each other and spin with the OP around the "drama triangle" (rescuer, victim, perpetrator - look that up if not familiar) - so that she is exhausted, confused and exasperated and doesnt know which way is up.

You might find this helpful for your future endeavours

M

I can understand that you try to placate them because you're scared of the way your DF will treat DM if you don't. But this is keeping you trapped. Whatever you do will never be enough. You can give and give but your DF will still be abusive, your DM will still be manipulative. Your DM is an adult and you are not responsible for her. Look at what you and DH and DC need and try to detach from feeling responsible for your parents. They'll continue being the same dickheads if you're there to see it or not.

So then the piece of shit manipulative bully parents could do their whole performance, wailing at their evil daughter, cruelly denying them Christmas with their family. Then they could glower/wail/scowl/"ohhhh I can't possibly eat now, you've ruined my Christmas" from three tables away amongst the other diners. What a fucking glorious idea.

oh only in your warped imagination @LePetitMaman

Ahhh.

Hello OP's mum.

Your parents sound controlling and manipulative.

Why do you keep letting them in? Even now you’re answering the phone etc. Just say “I think it’s best we all have some space” and then block and mute for a while.

why such bitchy posts?

@WillowTit because telling a woman(or anyone) that is being abused that is all in their head, rewriting the narrative and that they should just be nicer/kinder deserves it.

Even if the abusers are parents rather than a partner.

Great post.

OP, your father is a bully.
Always has been.
It has worked for him.
A house terrorist that bullys and abuses his family.
Your mother is his enabler and manipulator.
My parents were the same.

When I refused to see my parents after a tantrum from my father he called to my door and told me that he was sorry if I was upset but that I was a part of the family and didn't have any choice about contact..

Big mistake.
He found out that he was wrong when he died 21 years later and I never reversed my decision.

I never regretted walking away from the behaviour you describe.

It enabled me to live a peaceful calm life without drama.
It enabled me to raise a family without the ugliness my father brought to everything.

He too thought my highly educated academic, successful in laws weren't interesting enough.

He was blanked by them the year after my wedding at my wonder FIL's funeral.

They had zero interest in him or his company which he was confused by.
The ego🙄

He was a complete narcissist that completely underestimated his daughters steel.

You will never change them.
People like your parents sour the lives of those they touch.
Send that text.
Take a break.
Get therapy and forge a new future.
Consider moving if it makes life easier, just far away that makes running into them unlikely.
You will never regret it.

Oh an expect the theatrics of a sudden serious illness and flying monkeys in the form of other family to try and guilt you.
I simply refused to engage with that too.

Why such stupidity?

and more bitching @LePetitMaman
totally uncalled for

there are other ways of persuading people

Oh an expect the theatrics of a sudden serious illness and flying monkeys in the form of other family to try and guilt you.
I simply refused to engage with that too.

YES be ready NOT to respond to the 'cancer tests', the 'heart failure' your angry auntie etc cross with what you have done to your poor mother and father.

Batten down the hatches and dont look back. These types get even more demanding and irrational/abusive with age as their MH declines - I would be swerving that chapter of their lives.